Fade to Blue

by Julie Carobini

  At least I told myself that.

  “Suzanna?” Cynthia asked. “Are you still on the line?”

  “Yes, I am. Thank you for calling.”

  “I’m sorry if we’ve caused you concern.”

  I pressed the phone against my ear and drew circles in the dirt with the toe of my boot. “You know? I think maybe I’ll pick up Jer a little early today.”

  “Certainly. We’ll have him ready for you whenever you’d like to come.”

  We hung up and I slid the phone back into my pocket, swallowing against the building lump in my throat.

  “Anything wrong?” Seth’s voice jerked me from my thoughts.

  My eyes focused on him. “No, no.” I shook my head. “Not really. I just need to pick up my son early today, that’s all.”

  He paused. “You sure you’re going to be all right? Didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but that call sounded like there’s some trouble.”

  Hearing Seth say that snapped off some of the worry hanging over me. Some, but not all.

  My shoulders tensed. Should I be concerned? Len’s letter made it clear he was a new man. So why was I so slow to believe? After a tumultuous couple of years, no doubt it would take me a while to get used to Len’s newfound faith. The suddenness of Len’s declaration, I guessed, coupled with Gage’s obsessive worry last night, had made me paranoid.

  “It’s fine. Really.” My shoulders began to relax. “I should probably go.”

  Seth nodded toward the warehouse. “What about that treasure in there you were all excited about?”

  Scrubby bushes and low-hanging trees may have shrouded the old warehouse, but he was right, a treasure waited for me inside. The first of many. And yet nothing was more important than a mama checking on the well-being of her son. I also didn’t care to admit to him at the moment that the tediousness of art restoration had already rubbed away some of my initial enthusiasm.

  Seth waited for my answer and I shrugged. “It’ll wait.”

  Chapter Eight

  My brother eyed me. “So why the impromptu dinner out?”

  “Can’t I show my appreciation for all you’ve done by buying you dinner?” Jer snuggled next to me, tired from his long day at preschool. Although I’d washed his hands and face, his baby-fine hair smelled of crayons and soft clay.

  “Sure you can, but you already do the cooking for Jer and me nearly every night—”

  Callie touched Gage’s arm and smiled at me from across the table where she sat next to him. “Maybe Suz wants to relax and enjoy dinner being served to her for a change.”

  The day’s worries had drained me and now all that spent energy felt silly. Rather than staying home tonight and dwelling on my overreaction to that surprise phone call, the one I’d yet to mention to Callie and Gage, I decided on the spur to go out. “You know I love cooking, but I thought it would be fun to take us all out. The RAG’s not fancy, but the food’s creative.”

  Callie laughed. “The rum muffins are lethal, though.”

  “I’ve heard that.”

  Jer lifted his head and looked at me through half-closed eyes. “What’s rum?”

  I shushed him and patted his back until he lowered his head again.

  Mimi, the regular nighttime waitress, appeared at our table, ready to take our orders. Holly worked most mornings and afternoons, so for obvious reasons, I hoped she wouldn’t be here tonight.

  Character lines crisscrossed Mimi’s face, the kind earned by a mother of four young women. “Such a beautiful family you are.” She pulled a packet of crackers from her apron and set them in front of Jer. “How’re the wedding plans coming, Callie?”

  Callie tilted her face up, and her makeup-free skin glowed. “They are going well. Thank you for asking! The gazebo’s being erected on the Kitteridge land this week, so it should be finished in plenty of time. We’re having a simple wedding, so it’s not too overwhelming.”

  Mimi gave her a wide, understanding smile. “Not yet anyway. How about the job? You likin’ being the new camp director up at Pine Ridge? Haven’t seen you in here half as much lately.”

  “Oh, Mimi, I love it. Beyond my best expectations, really. I was overwhelmed when they offered me the position—”

  “But she’s the best director they’ve ever had.” Gage rested his arm on Callie’s shoulder. “The hottest one too.”

  Callie’s face flushed and she reached over and pinched Gage’s cheek. Mimi whacked him on the shoulder with the stack of menus.

  Gage’s continual gaga behavior over his fiancée made me smile and shake my head. Not that I didn’t love it; I did. But it’s a new phenomenon in his life and one that took a long time to come about. I’d waited many years for a sister-in-law. Callie was a miracle maker.

  The banter between the lovebirds made me wonder what my life would have looked like today if I had made faith a headline—rather than a sidebar—in my decision to marry. How might things have been different if I hadn’t ignored the inklings about Len’s lack of faith in God? My parents had provided the perfect example of a Christ-centered marriage. Why hadn’t I tried to live my life by their beautiful example?

  Seth’s face appeared in my mind, sending me back to a time so long ago.

  “Why now? And why him?”

  I hadn’t seen Seth in two months, not since we’d broken up over his plans to run wild out to California, to live a meager life on a journey of finding himself. When he showed up on my porch, demanding to know why I’d accepted Len’s proposal, I nearly slammed the door in his face.

  “You made your choice, Seth.”

  He stood there, clean shaven, imploring me. “And I chose you.”

  I stepped onto the porch, leaving the front door of my father’s home ajar, my hand still gripping the handle. “How can you say that? The only choice you gave me was to leave everything I know behind and chase some whim with you.”

  He stared at the ground and wagged his head back and forth, appearing to struggle to gather his thoughts. Almost from the start of our relationship, not knowing what Seth was thinking had been a problem for a girl who tended to wear her feelings on the outside. Seeing him struggle should have lighted compassion, but instead it made me angry. Seth had to have known what he felt and what he would say before coming over here and demanding that I explain my decision to marry Len. Surely he knew that Len, my neighbor and friend, could give me what I needed: his presence.

  Minutes passed. Seth lifted his head and stared straight into my eyes. “Of all people, I thought you, the dreamer, would understand. God has gifted you—I’ve seen it for myself. Haven’t you always wanted to paint your way across this world, Suz?” He lowered his voice. “I wanted us to do this thing together, to go out and grab the life neither one of us has ever had. I can’t imagine doing this without you.”

  I could have said, “Then don’t.” Only I didn’t. My mind, once open and carefree to what the future held, had been closed down by grief. I couldn’t see all the effort and how much of Seth’s heart this passionate plea had cost him. I could only think about what it would cost me.

  “Go to California or Oregon or wherever you think you’ll find happiness, Seth.” I let go of the door and slid my hand over the marquise-shaped diamond on my ring finger. “My mother’s gone now and Len has offered me a life here, where my roots are.”

  Seth didn’t say anything, but his gaze fell to my hand and his eyes seemed to glower. He implored me again, his eyelids heavy, a tinge of gray in the skin beneath them. When I said nothing, he swiveled around and bounded down the stairs. He never looked back.

  “Coffee?” Mimi held a hot pot over the table, her brows standing at attention, waiting for my response.

  I blinked. “Sorry, I—”

  She pulled the coffeepot away. “What was I thinking? You’re a chai girl, aren’t you? Can I bring you a cup?”

  I nodded. “Yes. Sure. Please.”

  Gage pulled his arm from around Callie’s shoulder and crossed his arms in front of hi
m, leaning on the table. His temples shifted as he studied me, the way our father’s used to before starting up one of his heart-to-heart talks. “We lost you there for a minute. Care to tell us what’s on your mind?”

  I hesitated. “Hunger.”

  Callie laughed. “If what you ordered isn’t enough, I will gladly share half of mine. Otherwise, I might not fit into my gown for the wedding.”

  I shook my head. “Not possible with all that running around you do, chasing kids all over camp. Speaking of your gown, can I see it soon? You won’t make me wait until the wedding, I hope.”

  He sat back, smiling. His buildup to intense questioning vanished, and instead he appeared pleased to be here with his family around him.

  In the distance, bells jingled, signaling that more customers had entered the restaurant. Gage’s facial expression moved from contentment to surprise to confusion. I looked over my shoulder, drew in a breath, and held it.

  Holly and Seth just stepped inside.

  The day’s phone call wasn’t the only news I had neglected to pass on to my big brother.

  His eyes riveted on the couple. “That looks like . . .” He turned to me, compassion softening his features. “Suz? I hate to bring this up, but the guy who just came in with Holly looks a lot like . . . Seth.”

  I swallowed and allowed my gaze to drop to the tip-top of Jeremiah’s head. My hands stroked his hair.

  Gage reached across the table. “Suz?”

  I let out a sigh and looked at my brother. “Didn’t I mention that we’d run into each other?”

  “You forgot to tell me? Wasn’t he . . . ? I mean, you and he were pretty, um . . .”

  Callie leaned forward. “Who is he?”

  “Suz’s ex-boyfriend from back home.” Gage turned back to me. “What’s he . . . ?”

  Holly noticed us from across the diner and her face brightened even more. We all watched as she took hold of Seth’s hand and dragged him toward our table, talking before reaching us. “The whole family’s here! How’s everybody doin’? Seth and I were going for a drive when I remembered my wallet was at the diner. Not that I needed it.” She patted Seth’s upper arm. “He’s a gentleman and always pays, but I don’t like bein’ without it. Know what I mean?”

  “Seth, you remember my brother, Gage, and this is his fiancée, Callie.” I motioned her way and then looked at my son. “And this is Jeremiah.”

  Seth kept his gaze neutral, almost professional. “Hello, Gage. A pleasure to meet you, Callie.” His eyes locked on Jeremiah. “Hi there.”

  Holly let go of Seth’s hand and linked her arm through his. “Such a small world isn’t it? I just couldn’t believe it when we ran into Suz at the beach yesterday.”

  I watched as Gage’s brows rose. His smile couldn’t have been more forced. “What brings you to California, Seth?”

  Seth politely answered his questions, as if we were all new acquaintances rather than old friends from back home. He told Gage things I never knew, such as how he managed to drive cross-country for free by delivering a car to Arizona, and how he bummed around in that state for months before realizing the heat and dry air weren’t doing him any favors. “After Arizona, I found another job delivering a car, this one to Seattle, but all that rain made me tired all the time.”

  Holly cinched him closer. “So he started hitchhikin’ south, through Oregon and northern California, and found himself along the coast highway with all our blue sky and pine trees.”

  Seth nodded. “I’ve never looked back.”

  He stared at me a beat longer than comfortable when saying that. After all this time, was he still trying to prove he had been better off without me? I get it already. Move on.

  Holly looked up at him. “I’ll just run and get my wallet so we can go.” She dashed off toward the back office, but not before stopping and hugging Mimi on her way. Holly had a way of drawing people to her. People like Seth.

  Standing there, he fidgeted with his fingers, his discomfort on display. He nodded as if saying good-bye, offering us both relief, then stopped. “By the way, Suz, did everything work out with that phone call you were concerned about today?”

  My eyes darted to Gage, who looked downright irritated, and then flitted to Jer, who wriggled in the booth. “Yes, fine. It all worked out. I shouldn’t have been worried.”

  He smiled and reached out to tousle Jer’s white-blond hair. “Glad to hear it.”

  Holly scooted to Seth’s side again and snuggled into him. “Ready?”

  “I am.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulder before raising a glance to us. “Nice to see you all.”

  Not until the happy couple had reached the diner doors and left the building did the fissures in Gage’s demeanor widen. He waited to speak until Mimi, who arrived with our meals, finished serving us.

  “Enjoy your dinner, folks. I’ll be back around with the water pitcher.” She scampered away.

  My Cobb salad, though a work of art with colorful rows of chopped, fresh toppings, sat untouched. My appetite had waned. Gage didn’t touch his soup either. Callie, bless her heart, offered Jer the ketchup for his fries and spoke in uplifting tones like a true peacemaker.

  Gage leaned forward, the undersides of his wrists against the table edge. “I noticed a change in you but couldn’t figure out exactly what was going on.”

  I went through the motion of picking up my fork and spearing crisp lettuce crusted with bacon bits.

  “I could understand your reaction to Len’s letter.”

  I whisked a look at him.

  “I said I could understand it, not agree with you. But now this? Seth’s in town and you didn’t tell me?” He sat back. “I’m confused about how you could talk to him earlier today and not mention that. And what phone call was he talking about?”

  Callie’s hand slid to the crook in Gage’s arm, and despite his growing annoyance with me, I couldn’t help but note how he placed his hand atop of hers. Had Len ever treated me with such tenderness?

  “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you about Seth. He owns some big window-washing business near SLO.”

  “So he lives down in San Luis Obispo?”

  “I don’t know where he lives, Gage. All I know is that his company cleans the massive windows at the art studio and he’s about to acquire a contract for Hearst Castle.”

  “No kidding.”

  I rolled my shoulders and shook off this line of questioning. “Could we just forget about all this and get back to dinner now? My salad’s getting, uh . . .”

  Callie smiled. “Cold?”

  I mouthed the words I love you, girl to her and she laughed some more.

  “Just a second.” Gage’s eyes didn’t let me go just yet. “What phone call were you worried about?”

  “Oh, that.” I glanced at his bowl. “Soup’s getting frigid.”

  He stared at me.

  “Fine.” I glanced at Jer, hoping my brother would see the warning in my eyes.

  Callie slid out of the booth. “I’m going to look for some mustard, Jeremiah. Would you like to join me?”

  “Yeah!” He didn’t wait for me to move and instead slipped off the seat and under the table. I cringed thinking of all the bacteria his pudgy hands just picked up.

  Callie caught my eye. “I think we’ll make a stop in the restroom to wash our hands.”

  When they were gone, I turned back to my big brother, who wore the intense look that reminded me of our father. “I was up on the bluff near the studio taking a break when Cynthia from the preschool called. Seth happened to be up there too.”

  Gage’s eyebrow shot up.

  “Anyway, someone from Heinsburgh had called the school and Cynthia was upset because the secretary messed up. She confirmed to the caller that Jeremiah attended there.”

  “Who called?”

  I reached for my tea and held the lukewarm cup in my hands. “I don’t know. A woman named Nina. She said she needed the information for Len’s upcoming hearing.”
r />   He groaned. “Suz.”

  “After I thought about it, the call made perfect sense. This shows me that Len must be serious about making amends. I can’t deny him that, Gage.”

  He eyed me, the slight shake of his head telling me all he held back.

  Chapter Nine

  “You’ll be cursing my name tomorrow morning, Callie,” I told her. “Trust me.”

  Jeremiah didn’t care if it was Saturday—he woke up every morning with more energy than swells rising off the shores of Waikiki. I tried to warn Callie of this when she had invited my almost five-year-old for a sleepover last night. Due to all the building happening on the hill, the camp she directed at Pine Ridge was closed. Why she didn’t take this opportunity to relax, well, I couldn’t understand it.

  She laughed and waved me away, making Jer promises of ice cream on his pancakes or something like that. A true mother in the making. More than ever, the pressure to allow Gage and Callie to have the space to raise a family of their own hung on my shoulders. I tossed around most of the night and dreamed of finding the little cabin in the woods Fred told me about.

  At five o’clock, wearing my most worn-out sweats to keep me warm and careful not to slip on the dew, I padded down the front steps and found my beach cruiser leaned up against the side of the house. After righting it, I hopped on and headed north through winding streets lined with cottages that yawned and stirred as I passed.

  My pulse increased along with early morning awareness that a new day had dawned. After returning home last night, Gage and I had continued to discuss his concerns about Len over cocoa and biscotti while the evening news played in the background.

  Gage pursed his lips while swirling the remaining hot cocoa in his mug. “You don’t have . . . What I mean to ask is whether you still have feelings for Len.”

  I grunted. “You, big brother, are entering into territory reserved for sistahs.”