Marvellous Mix-Ups

by Alexander McCall Smith

  “You haven’t been here a full day,” said somebody, “and already you’ve changed things for the better.”

  Jenny didn’t know how to reply. She had not meant to offend the principal like that and she hoped that everybody, including Miss Ice, would forget about it as soon as possible. All that she wanted now was to get home and to ask her parents to come to the school to sort out the mistake. But there were still several lessons left to be taught, and she would have to survive those before she could get away. Would it be easy? She had a dreadful feeling it would not.

  ~ 6 ~

  An Unexpected Reaction

  The bell went and everyone returned to their classrooms. Jenny found all the pupils in her class already in their seats, looking at her expectantly. They had been most impressed by her rescue of George Apple, and they wondered what this exciting new teacher would have in store for them next.

  It was chemistry. Jenny had not planned to have a chemistry lesson – she had not planned to have any lesson, in fact – but when she saw the box marked Chemistry she thought it would be a good idea.

  Everybody agreed. They watched carefully as she placed the box on her desk and took out the various bowls and bottles inside. There were also jars of chemical powders – red powders, white powders, blue powders – and these she put neatly to one side.

  “I shall now teach you some chemistry,” she said to the class.

  Picking up a jar of white powder, she opened it and peered at it carefully. The powder looked a little bit like sugar, but it smelled quite different. In fact, it smelled like rotten eggs.

  “I’m going to mix a bit of this powder with the red powder,” Jenny explained. “Then we’ll add a bit of the blue powder, just to be on the safe side.”

  “Why?” called out a boy from the back. “Why are you mixing the powders together?”

  Jenny looked at him scornfully.

  “Because that’s what chemistry is all about,” she replied. “And anyway, have you got any better ideas?”

  The boy shook his head.

  “Well, then,” Jenny went on. “Here goes!”

  She poured some of the white powder into a dish and then, standing well back, poured a small quantity of red powder in and mixed them up. Nothing happened.

  “You’ve got to put in much more, miss,” said one of the girls at the front. “Our last teacher used to put in loads and loads of powder.”

  “I know,” said Jenny crossly. “I’m just testing it to see if it works. I’m going to add much more now.”

  She took up the jar and tipped the rest of the red powder into the mixture. Then she stirred it a little with a long glass rod.

  Something was happening now. The mixture was beginning to sizzle a bit. Jenny stood a bit further back. You never knew with chemistry – odd things could happen.

  And they did. Suddenly there was a puff of smoke and a bang. Jenny gave a start, and a few people let out whistles of surprise. A cloud of green smoke was now rising up from the dish and beginning to fill that corner of the room.

  “There,” said Jenny triumphantly. “You see, that’s chemistry. It works.”

  The cloud of smoke seemed to be getting bigger and bigger, and every now and then it made a rather strange, popping sound. It was really rather alarming, thought Jenny, but at least it could not go on for ever. Sooner or later the chemicals would calm down and the cloud of thick green smoke would disappear.

  It was while Jenny was thinking this that the door of the classroom opened. Jenny turned round to see Miss Ice standing in the doorway, a look of outrage on her face.

  “What is happening here?” the principal demanded. “What is the meaning of this … this green cloud?”

  “Chemistry,” called out one of the boys.

  “Silence!” hissed the principal. “Miss … Miss whatever your name is, what do you think you’re doing filling the classroom with green smoke?”

  She did not wait for an answer. Striding forward, she went straight into the middle of the cloud of green smoke, waving at it with her arms.

  “I shall put a stop to this,” she spluttered. “I have never seen anything as disgraceful in my …”

  Her voice broke off. The principal had disappeared into the swirling cloud of smoke and now there was not a single sign of her.

  “She’s dissolved!” shouted George Apple. “Miss, you’ve dissolved the principal!”

  Oh dear, thought Jenny. I really shouldn’t have tried chemistry. If only I’d stuck to geography.

  Suddenly there was a coughing sound and the principal reappeared from the cloud, holding the dish of chemicals, which she had now covered with a cloth.

  “This is a disgrace!” she stormed. “You could have blown us all up!”

  Jenny was about to say how sorry she was, but stopped. There was something funny about the principal, and all the class noticed it too. Her hair, which had been red when she came into the room, was now quite green!

  “Excuse me,” Jenny said. “I’m very sorry, but your hair …”

  “Don’t you talk about my hair,” said the principal. “There’s nothing wrong with my hair. You just open all these windows and get the smoke out of the classroom.”

  Jenny did as she was asked, but as she did so everybody else started laughing. They had tried to conceal their mirth over the principal’s funny hair, but it was just too difficult. Soon everyone was holding their sides, tears of laughter streaming down their faces.

  Miss Ice stormed out of the classroom, holding the dish of chemicals in her hand. But just before she left, she stopped and turned in Jenny’s direction.

  “You’re dismissed!” she said. “You will leave the school immediately!”

  The laughter stopped. Now everybody sat as quiet as mice, looking at Jenny.

  “That’s not fair!” said George Apple. “You saved my life!”

  “You’re the best teacher we’ve ever had,” said another. “Please don’t go.”

  Jenny felt touched by these kind remarks, but at the same time she felt very pleased that she had been sacked. Her being a teacher could not last, and she was relieved that it was all over.

  But before she went, she thought she would do one last thing.

  “Let’s have a picnic,” she said. “It’s far too nice a day to sit inside and do lessons.”

  ~ 7 ~

  A Double Mix-up

  Out into the school garden they all trooped, taking with them the sandwiches they were meant to have for lunch. They found a good place, and they all sat, enjoying the sunshine and munching sandwiches and crisps. Everybody was very happy.

  Jenny sat next to a girl called Lucy, who told her how much she had enjoyed the school day.

  “Our last teacher was very nice,” said Lucy. “But not nearly as much fun as you are.”

  Jenny smiled and thanked Lucy. Then Lucy took two lollipops out of her pocket and offered one to Jenny. Jenny was very pleased. Lollipops were her favourite sweet, and red lollipops were her favourite of favourites.

  And that is what she was doing, sucking a red lollipop, when the principal stormed out of the building, her green hair waving in the breeze, and came over to stand indignantly in front of Jenny.

  The principal looked down at Jenny, her mouth wide open in astonishment.

  “I can’t believe my eyes,” she said at last. “I never thought I’d see the day when a teacher – a teacher, mind you – would be sitting out in the school garden s lollipop!”

  Jenny took the lollipop out of her mouth and was about to say how sorry she was. But she had no chance to say anything, as just at that moment the school secretary came running across the grass.

  “There’s a telephone call for you,” she said to the principal. “And it’s urgent.”

  The principal gave Jenny a withering look, and turned on her heels. Then, together with the school secretary, she strode off in the direction of the office.

  The telephone call turned out to be a very strange conversation ind
eed.

  “I’m so sorry about not being there today,” said a voice at the other end of the line. “I seem to have put the wrong day in my diary. I thought I was starting tomorrow.”

  Miss Ice frowned in annoyance.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she snapped at the caller. “Where are you? And why do you think you should be here, rather than there? And who are you, anyway?”

  “I was meant to be there today,” said the voice. “I thought today was tomorrow. I mean I thought that tomorrow was today. I thought that …”

  “But why do you think you have to be here tomorrow, or today?” said the principal in a voice that was by now becoming extremely vexed.

  “Because I told you that I was going to be here, or rather there, today. I mean, that today was when I was going to start, rather than tomorrow.”

  The principal drew in her breath.

  “Let’s start at the beginning,” she said coldly. “Who are you?”

  “I’m your new teacher, of course,” said the voice. “I was meant to be starting today.”

  “But you have,” said Miss Ice. “You’re here.”

  “No I’m not,” said the voice. “I’m not there. I’m here. And that’s the problem.”

  “But I’ve just seen the new teacher,” protested Miss Ice. “I’ve just been talking to her. She was sucking a lollipop …”

  “A lollipop?” asked the voice at the other end, sounding very surprised. “I don’t eat lollipops. I used to, of course, but that was a long time ago. Chocolates, yes, that’s a different matter …”

  Miss Ice cut her short. It was now becoming clear to her that something very strange was happening.

  “Very well,” she said in her steeliest voice. “Very well. You don’t eat lollipops and you’re not here. Just come along as soon as you can.”

  And with that she put down the receiver and stormed out of the office.

  Jenny was still sitting with her friends when Miss Ice returned. They had not noticed the principal return and they all got a shock when they heard the angry voice bellowing out behind them.

  “Now I know,” cried the principal, her voice cracking with anger. “You’re not a teacher at all!” She paused. “You’re a … you’re a girl!”

  Jenny dropped her lollipop. She could not deny it. It was all over.

  “It wasn’t my fault,” she said. “I didn’t want to be a teacher at all. I didn’t start it …”

  The principal, who was now quivering with rage, took a step forward, and stood on the lollipop. She looked down at her right shoe, which now had a lollipop stuck to it. Then she bent down to scrape off the sticky mess, and that was Jenny’s chance.

  “Run!” whispered Lucy. “Quick!”

  Jenny leapt to her feet and ran across the garden towards the school gate. The principal started to give chase, but Jenny was far too quick for her and had soon disappeared round the corner. She had made it!

  After a while, Jenny stopped running and began to walk. She looked over her shoulder to see whether she was still being chased, but there was no sign of anybody following her. She breathed a sigh of relief and turned the corner into her own street.

  As she did so, she almost bumped into a woman who was walking in the opposite direction.

  “I’m sorry,” said the woman, looking anxiously at her watch. “I wasn’t really looking where I was going.” She paused. “Could you help me? I’m very late, and very lost.”

  “Of course,” said Jenny. “Where are you going?”

  “Well,” said the woman. “It’s rather a long story. I put the wrong date in my diary. I thought today was tomorrow, or the other way round, I’m not sure. I’m trying to find the school near here. Street Pond School. I’m the new teacher there and I’m terribly late. I’ve just been speaking to the principal on the telephone – Miss Frost I think she’s called – and she sounded terribly hot, I mean cold, about it all.”

  Jenny listened to this carefully, and as she did so she began to smile. This was the real teacher, the teacher whose place she had taken for the day.

  “You’re not far away,” she said. “If you walk down that road, turn left, and then carry on all the way up the street you’ll reach the school.”

  “Thank you,” said the woman gratefully. “I do hope that my class has been looked after this morning.”

  “Oh I think they had quite an interesting morning,” Jenny said. “They studied rats, I mean maths. And then they did gym. I shouldn’t worry about that if I were you.”

  The real teacher thanked her and went off on her way. Jenny watched her as she went, pleased that they had bumped into one another. She liked the sound of the new teacher and she was sure that the pupils would too.

  But Jenny had not yet solved all her problems. Although she had managed to get away from the school, she would have to go back there the next day. And what would happen then? How could you go back to a school where you had dyed the principal’s hair green? Miss Ice would not forget something like that in a hurry.

  Jenny was thinking of this, feeling quite miserable, as she walked in the front door of her house. So she paid very little attention to her mother’s calling her until her mother rushed out of the sitting room and gave her a big hug.

  “There you are!” her mother said. “What a relief! I’ve been so worried about you! Where were you?”

  “At school,” said Jenny simply.

  “But the school telephoned,” said her mother. “They said that you hadn’t arrived this morning. You can imagine how worried I was!”

  Jenny sat down and sunk her head in her hands. It was going to be very difficult to explain.

  “I was at school,” she said. “Or rather, I went to school. But there was an awful mistake, you see. They thought I was a teacher.”

  Her mother looked at her in astonishment.

  “Do you mean they put you in charge of a class?” she exclaimed.

  Jenny nodded.

  “It was terrible to start with,” she said. “But then it got better. In fact, I think that all the children enjoyed themselves very much.”

  “I see,” said her mother. “Well, I shall be able to phone Mr Brown now and tell him not to worry.”

  Jenny was puzzled.

  “Mr Brown?”

  “The principal of Pond Street School,” said her mother. “I spoke to him on the phone this morning. He was very puzzled as to why you weren’t there.”

  “But the principal isn’t Mr Brown,” protested Jenny. “It’s Miss Ice. She’s a lady with green … I mean, red hair.”

  Jenny’s mother looked surprised. Then a smile spread slowly over her face as she realised what had happened.

  “Jenny,” she explained, her voice breaking into a laugh. “You went to Street Pond School, didn’t you? That’s the other school! You were due to go to Pond Street School.”

  Jenny began to laugh too.

  “So I don’t have to go back there,” she said. “What a relief!”

  She was very pleased that she would not have to face the principal again. She was also pleased that she would not have to explain to all her pupils at the school that she may have started off as a teacher but was coming back as a girl. That would have seemed very odd to everybody.

  So she went to school the next day – to the right school this time – and she was very happy there. She didn’t have to sit at the teacher’s desk and she did not have to conduct any lessons. It was wonderful to be able to sit there, not having to know the answers to everything.

  And as for Street Pond School, well, her day there had changed things in more ways than one. A few weeks later, while she was helping her mother with her shopping, she met Alison, the friendly teacher, in the supermarket.

  “There you are!” exclaimed Alison. “I’m really glad that I saw you. I wanted to thank you for making things so much better at the school.”

  Jenny was puzzled, but Alison explained everything to her.

  “You s
ee, after what happened in the staff room, we all decided that we would stand up to Miss Ice and not let her push us around quite so much. So we started to vote on all the important things. And since there were far more of us than of the principal, the school began to be run the way we had always wanted.”

  “I’m glad,” said Jenny. “I thought that I had just caused trouble that day.”

  “Not at all,” said Alison, smiling. “And another thing – Miss Ice got used to the new way of doing things and became far, far less bossy. She’s really quite nice now!”

  “I’m very pleased,” said Jenny.

  “But the oddest thing of all,” said the teacher, “is what happened about Miss Ice’s hair. She decided that she rather liked her hair the colour you made it – green. So now she has it dyed green permanently, and it suits her very well!”

  “So everybody’s happy?” asked Jenny.

  “Yes,” said the teacher. “Everybody is very happy. What’s more, any time you’d like to come back as a teacher for a day or so, please do!”

  Jenny thanked her warmly. She did not think that she would go back, but it was nice to know that the invitation was there. She thought back on her day as a teacher. She hadn’t done so badly after all. She had sorted out George Apple, and saved his life as well. She had stood up to Miss Ice, and made her much better while she was about it. And she had given the whole class something to laugh about. Perhaps she would go back now and then, just to make sure that things were still going well. After all, she thought, I was really quite good at it!

  Bloomsbury Publishing, London, Oxford, New York, New Delhi and Sydney

  The Spaghetti Tangle first published in Great Britain in 1991

  by Methuen Children’s Books

  Teacher Trouble first published in Great Britain in 1994

  by Young Corgi Books

  This edition published in September 2016 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc

  50 Bedford Square, London WC1B 3DP

  This electronic edition published in 2016