Men of Mayhem

by Anthology

  After that, we continued to see each other every couple of months. Still, as the years passed, Cesare changed more, and so did I, and when we were apart, we were a mess.

  Six Years Ago ~ Age Twenty-One

  Cesare

  My third year in college, the fifth year into my relationship with Kinsey, I realize that our bond has been tainted by our miles apart.

  My life has become one of drugs and murder. I’m getting more and more immersed in the mayhem of the underworld. And my calmness, my home, has been living so far away for years. I’m starting to resent Kinsey and my love for her. I miss her so much that I ache and find solace in cocaine. We fight when we’re apart, and we love obsessively during the few days every couple of months we see one another.

  We rarely make love anymore. No, we fuck. During this time, we have rough and hard sex when we meet. Maybe it’s due to the pent-up frustration of being away from each other, especially since we know that if we were together, we’d be happy. The distance is killing us, and that same distance, combined with being a prospect in the Syndicate, makes me lonely. And choices made out of loneliness usually lead to the biggest mistakes. Moreover, drugs combined with loneliness can be lethal. And my solitude, and all the toxic things that came with it, was the catalyst for my creating the first cracks in our love.

  Five Years Ago ~ Age Twenty-Two

  Kinsey

  During our college years, Cesare breaks my heart twice. The first time, I forgive him, but after the second time, I’ve had enough of his indiscretions.

  I’m at his dorm the first day of my visit. We had a falling out because I think he’s been doing drugs. He looks terrible. And then he left and has been gone for hours.

  When he returns, I know something bad has happened. He’s been slowly slipping away from me for years.

  His red-rimmed eyes plead with me before he’s even opened his mouth.

  “What’s wrong with you? You just disappear when I’ve flown three hours to finally see you again?”

  “Kins, I-I need to talk to you about something important.” He edges closer and I step back.

  “Just spit it out.”

  “I made a huge mistake.” He studies me intently, and moisture wells in his eyes.

  Time stops as my heartbeat pounds in my chest. “Just say it. What did you do?”

  “I was drunk and high. I…” He averts his gaze.

  “Tell me!”

  “I slept with someone else. I’m so sorry. It meant nothing!” He strides to me and cups my face. “It was a mistake.”

  My heart shatters into a million pieces, again. Last year, he kissed another girl when he was pissed, but this is so much worse.

  I shake my head and push him away forcefully. “Don’t you fucking touch me! When did it happen?”

  “A couple of weeks ago. I’ve been feeling like shit, and I missed you so much. I…I was weak.”

  The trust we’ve built for almost six years obliterates in that moment. A hole forms inside of me, and I feel empty.

  “Kins, please say something,” he begs, watching me closely.

  I merely stare at the floor. “Who is she?”

  “No one. She means nothing.”

  “That doesn’t make me feel better right now,” I counter sadly and catch his gaze. “I’m going home.”

  “No!” He blocks my path at the door after I’ve swung my bag over my shoulder. “I want to talk.” He holds up both hands. “Kinsey, please stay. We need to talk!”

  “Get out of my way.”

  “Fine. I’ll leave, and you call me when I can come back and you’re ready to talk.”

  I grit my teeth but know he won’t budge, so I nod.

  Reluctantly, he goes.

  After five minutes, I glance down the hall and leave.

  Cesare rounds the corner. Of course, he was checking on me.

  I hurry along to the entrance of the dorm as he screams my name, but a guy blocks his path, so I run outside to hail the first cab I see.

  “To the airport,” I say and go home, where I crawl into my bed and sit with my knees drawn up to my chest and my face buried in my hands. I hurt too much to even cry, and I shake so badly that my teeth are chattering.

  I’m in a robotic state for the next few weeks. Going to classes, taking exams, and dodging Cesare’s calls. I’ve texted him once that I’ll contact him when I’m ready, but I’m coming to the realization that we might’ve reached our final destination. I can’t trust Cesare anymore, and I can’t be in a relationship in which I have to wonder if he’s being faithful. The drugs have made him too volatile. The distance has broken us indefinitely.

  While I’m alone in my room, someone knocks on my door, and I jump up.

  “Kinsey! Open the door. I know you’re home!”

  Shit! I’m not ready to confront him yet.

  “Kinsey!” He pounds the door harder, more furiously. “I’m not leaving until we talk!”

  Nervously, I sit on the mattress.

  He pounds the door again. “I’m fucking dying without you! I’ll wait here all night if I have to.” Another slam and then he whispers, “Please, don’t turn me away.”

  His broken tone hurts me, and I feel compelled to provide him closure.

  But Cesare’s unstable mood is scaring me, so I say, “Meet me at the coffee shop across the street. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

  “Okay.”

  Five minutes later, I sit across from Cesare in a booth, hearing him apologize for the umpteenth time. I don’t even recognize him with his scruffy beard, and I can tell that he’s high, which strengthens my resolve to end us.

  “I’m so sorry, Kins. I miss you. I lost my home, my lover, my best friend, all on the same day. Please, please give me another chance.”

  “I’ve already given you a second chance. I can’t do it a third time. Trusting you while you’re on drugs is breaking my heart.”

  “I’m not on drugs. I only use occasionally,” he defends.

  “You are still in denial, and I’m done. I’m sorry. You should’ve known better.”

  Sadness clouds his face, then ire blisters to the surface. The loss of control is making him angry; this is his harsher side. He’s not used to not getting his way.

  “I’ve done everything for you. All of it! This mafia fucking life that I’m in is for you. You will not walk away from me!” he whispers angrily.

  “Don’t make this ugly, Cesare. You’ll regret it. I’m sorry, but you and I are over. Our foundation of trust is gone. It’s been broken. By you. I need space now. Maybe in a couple of months, we can be friends again, but right now, I can’t see you anymore.”

  He clenches his jaw as his eyes water. “If you walk away now, it’s over for good.”

  “Don’t do this, Cesare.” I slide out from the booth, and he glares at me but stays seated, challenging me.

  “Kinsey, I’m serious! Don’t leave me.” He grabs my wrist.

  “Don’t give me ultimatums! You broke us. Not me. Now leave me alone so I can pick up the pieces of my life.” And I wrench free right after I see a tear rolling down his cheek.

  That was the last time I saw Cesare. But I was never free of him. During my time with him, I learned about love. Love is fantastic when it’s good. However, when it’s bad, it can result in a catastrophe. And after we broke up, I spiraled out of control due to my broken heart.

  I did text him a couple of times after that day in the coffee shop, but he never responded. I was left more heartbroken than I could ever imagine, and after graduation, I couldn’t find a decent job. Eventually, I ended up living paycheck to paycheck while life persistently continued. I drank, I did drugs, and I fucked around a lot to get over Cesare. But nothing ever helped.

  Five Years Ago ~ Age Twenty-Two

  Cesare

  When she walked out, I knew that I would never feel for another girl what I felt for Kinsey. She would forever be the one that got away.

  Dejected and furious, I return to N
ew York and to a seething father who sets me straight. He’s discovered I’ve been snorting cocaine, and if I’m to become a member, I need to be clean.

  “This is what I warned you about four years ago. You’re going to get clean, initiate into the Syndicate, and forget about that girl. She’s toxic to you. But enough about her. On to business. Here’s your new Syndicate-issued phone.” My father takes my old phone while I’m despairing, bitterness consuming my soul.

  Kinsey has ripped my heart out, and anger fills the hole she’s created.

  “Cesare, your love is destructive,” my mother adds. “She’s not the girl for you. Forget her and move on. You’re going to be a made man. Act like it.”

  “I’ve loved her for almost half my life. How do I let her go?”

  “One day at a time, son. Time heals all wounds.”

  I got clean and became a Capo right after graduation. Without Kinsey, I focused solely on the Syndicate. And when Michael became boss, he made me his underboss.

  Time might heal all wounds, but time never makes you forget. Women have come and gone throughout the years, but only one holds a place in my heart. And that will never change.

  Present

  Cesare

  “Michael, what was that all about?” I inquire in Michael’s office right after he shot the soldier in front of the other women in the living room.

  Michael is on the warpath. “That soldier should’ve informed us. You know that.”

  “Yes, but why the charade? Last night, you want to scare him, and today, you kill him on the spot. Let the rest leave. Only keep the date of the soldier you just killed, his accomplice. We killed all the men last night and eliminated the leader of the raid. Now, you need to calm down and focus on saying goodbye to Rachel. Don’t waste your energy on drawn out revenge. We killed the ones who killed her. Now, go grieve.”

  Michael braces his neck forcefully before relaxing. “Fine. Let them leave. I don’t understand why you kept them or Kinsey anyway. Do you hate her that much?”

  “No, I love her that much. There’s something between Kinsey and Joey, and I’m not letting him ruin my third chance with her. If she’d left last night, she would’ve disappeared. I needed her to think about us for a night. A little manipulation can be quite persuasive. I’m doing it to protect her,” I reveal honestly. “I want her back.”

  His gaze flies to me, astonished. “I always knew you were waiting for her. Every girl you dated had a certain…quality.” Michael sighs. “So go. Take her back. But Cesare, be prepared to always protect her when she’s part of our life.”

  “I’m ready,” I say with conviction.

  For five years, I’ve been living life going through the motions, but Kinsey belongs with me. She’s a part of me I’ve been missing for too long.

  “I failed. I would hate for you to go through what I am now.”

  “Together, we’ll get through it. Go to Rachel, Michael.”

  My confirmation regarding Joey and Kins’s peculiar connection comes when I’m back in the living room, and Joey is manhandling her.

  Rushing over, I slam his hands off her.

  “Do not ever touch her again!” I snarl.

  I can’t stand not knowing exactly what their association is, and I’m on edge, so I lock her back in the bedroom and order the soldiers to release the other captives, if they can be persuaded into silence. The rest will be killed.

  After I finish with the day’s business, I rush back to the mansion to see Kinsey and am confronted with how much she actually needs me.

  I unlock the door and frown at the empty room. Then I spot the lamp from the nightstand broken on the floor and I run to the bed.

  “No!”

  Kinsey is lying on the floor on the other side of the bed, unconscious.

  Rushing over the mattress, I check her pulse, but it’s weak.

  “Kins! Kins!”

  Panic I haven’t experienced in years almost renders me incapacitated, then rage overcomes me when I see fresh track marks on the inside of her elbow. Hurriedly, I check her other arm and see more scars.

  Unexpectedly, she starts to convulse and bucks, coughing. So I roll her to her side, and she vomits. I keep her in that position until she stops heaving, but I still can’t wake her up.

  “No! You’re fucking high!” As I sit on the floor, I take her weak body into my arms and hold her tightly while I call the Syndicate doctor.

  “I need you at Michael’s house. Right now. I’ve got an overdose!” And the phone slides from my hand, dropping onto the floor with a thud.

  While I wait in agonizing silence with her frail body in my arms, moisture wells in my eyes. I can’t lose her now that I’ve finally got her again.

  The doctor storms into the room after I don’t know how long. I’ve been incessantly checking her pulse and carefully lay her on the bed.

  He examines her as I stare down at the love of my life.

  “Cesare, she’ll wake soon. It’s good that you let her vomit or else she would’ve choked on it. Just keep her on her side until she wakes. And Cesare, from observing several puncture wounds on her arms, I can tell you that she’s an addict,” he states solemnly. “Who is she?”

  “My best friend. You can go. I’ll watch over her.” I take the chair and sit down.

  My best friend is on drugs.

  What happened to you, piccolina?

  Sadness washes over me, and the realization of how long we’ve been apart hits me. Life has a funny way of turning out. She left me due to drugs, and in the end, I’m clean and she’s an addict.

  I never wanted this for you.

  A tear streams down my face while I take her hand in mine, wishing she’d never left me. I won’t let this third chance escape my grasp. When she wakes, she must own up.

  Present

  Kinsey

  I awaken in an instant, meeting Cesare’s concerned face. He’s sitting in a chair next to the bed, studying me, clutching my hand tightly in his. The warmth of his skin seeps into mine, making me feel protected like only he can.

  “Welcome back.” His voice is low. “How are you feeling?”

  “Like crap…”

  He smiles tersely. “What happened?”

  Cesare leans forward, not letting go of my hand, and I realize it’s time to fess up.

  “Joey happened. He came in here to give me a fix.”

  His lips thin into a straight line. “So, Joey’s your dealer?”

  I nod and avert my gaze to the window.

  Cesare is absentmindedly rubbing my hand with his thumb, the touch so pleasurable in its simplicity. The permanent ache in my heart echoes the truth.

  How much I’ve missed him.

  Our gazes clash, and he sends me a grave look. “How long have you been addicted, Kins?”

  My words abandon me at first, yet I power through and confess for the first time that I am an addict. “A year. I try to stop, but it’s so hard. And Joey gives me drugs in exchange for runner jobs.”

  Cesare’s eyes narrow, and his fury becomes palpable.

  “I asked for a fix, but then I didn’t want to take the drugs, so we struggled and he shot me up because he was afraid I’d tell you if I was too lucid.”

  “You were out cold and started vomiting.” He releases my hand harshly and rises. “Is that enough of a warning for you to stop? Does your life mean nothing to you anymore? You could’ve died!”

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been a little lost, Cesare. And I miss you…a lot.”

  He stares down his nose at me, so I sit up. I’m aching and searching for peace in drugs, but I want him. A singular tear streams down my cheek, and he follows the trail with his finger, wiping my hurt away with his touch first and then with his words. “I miss you too. Why didn’t you ever contact me?”

  “I did. But after those dozen messages I sent you in the week following our break-up, I gave up.”

  His brows snap together. “I never got your messages. My father got me a new phone back
then. I assume that he or my mother erased your messages on my old phone. I kept it for over six months hoping you would forgive me, Kins. Otherwise, I would’ve answered. I-I…It’s killing me to see you like this. You were always this vibrant girl.”

  “Life got in the way, and I couldn’t find a job.” My head is starting to pound, and my weakened body is hurting.

  The mattress dips as Cesare sits right beside my hip, and I break down.

  “I was lonely, Cesare. I’m a drug addict. I ruined my life, and I don’t deserve your help, because I left you when the roles were reversed.”

  He forces my gaze on him by forcefully cupping my cheeks. “You left me, but I never left you. And I will never leave you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you want to be clean?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then we’ll do it together. You just need some help, Kins. And I’m here now to help you.” He kisses my forehead. “The situation regarding the attack is under control. You’re coming with me, and the doctor and I will get you through withdrawal. But…” He looks me in the eye. “No more drugs. Ever.”

  I nod. “And what about us?”

  “It’s time I mend the promise I broke. I’ll take care of you.”

  “Cesare, thank you.”

  “We’ll take it one day at a time. You’re coming with me, to my house.”

  I smile because I finally see some light in the darkness I’ve been living in since I made the wrong choice and used heroine that first time a year ago.

  Cesare rises and ominously states, “And Kins, Joey will pay.”

  Present

  Cesare

  I exit the elevator into my penthouse apartment with Kinsey’s hand entwined with mine.

  After the weekly visit to the doctor, we can celebrate her fourth week in recovery. Withdrawal has been hell for her, and my heart hurts when I have to hold her trembling and sweating body at night when she craves the heroin. But slowly, she’s getting clean. And she’s lived with me for over a month, letting me take care of her. Having her back calms my restless soul after five years of feeling incomplete.