“Austin, you know I, well you know, and once this is done I will be free of him.”
“I wish I knew that were true Ry. Are you sure this is the right move?”
“The truth is Aus I don’t, but it is the only thing I know to try. I will explain the entire sordid story when I get back, and you will understand.”
The line goes quiet except for our combined breathing before I feel compelled to break the silence.
“I miss you Aus.”
“I miss you too Ry, please call me or text me, so I know you are ok.”
“I will, baby, talk to you soon. Bye Aus.”
“Bye Ry and remember I you know you.”
Just hearing his voice has given me renewed courage to face my past. I know that I should have never let Ryan have this much power in my life, but as time went on it became easier to hide than to face him. There really shouldn't be much to the confrontation; all I want to know is why. Why wasn't I good enough? It is not that I want Ryan back, I don’t. I just need to hear him tell me why.
After being with Austin, I know that I was never truly in love with Ryan. I was in love with the security and the feeling that I belonged. That is what he stole from me, my sense of a permanent place in the world.
Chapter 14
Bode and I climb into the car provided by his service and head over to our favorite Italian restaurant on the edge of town. I have never come up to the cabin without making it to Ambrogio's. It is a small restaurant with a rustic Italian ambiance. There is a large, stone fireplace in the center of the restaurant that is both practical and decorative burning bright. The dark red walls magnify the exposed wood and high ceiling.
Bode and I are seated at a small table in the corner of the room. The candlelight sets a romantic mood, the last thing I need right now.
Bode is quiet except for his exchanges with our server. Something is on his mind as he tests the flavor of the wine he ordered before accepting it. He is not being rude or anything but something is wrong. I have known him most of my life and Bode is always the life of the party.
I want to ask what is wrong but my head is swimming in the what ifs surrounding tonight. What if seeing Austin and confronting him causes more problems. What if I can’t face him? What if I can’t put the past behind me and move forward? What if I lose Austin?
My mind is spiraling down a dark path when Bode breaks the silence, “Ry are you ok? You are looking awfully pale.” He reaches across the table and takes my hand bringing me back to reality and out of my head.
“I’m sorry Bode; my mind is getting the best of me. I am being horrible company.”
He squeezes my hand softly and looks deep into my eyes, “Sweetheart you could never be horrible company. You are my favorite person in the world.” The look in his ice blue eyes tells me he is trying to tell me something without actually saying it. I don’t have the mental capacity to dissect this tonight though.
He continues to hold my hand until our food is delivered. We eat in relative silence. My stomach is in knots and I find myself unable to partake in the amazing food. I hate that I cannot enjoy this meal since Ambrogio’s is one of my favorite restaurants on the planet.
I can see question dancing in Bode’s eyes throughout the meal and I imagine it has something to do with Austin. When the bill is delivered, he finally summons the courage to spit it out. “So what is going on with you and the quarterback?”
Given the current situation and the lack of privacy around us, I decide a brief answer is best. “Right now Austin and I are just friends at my request.” He looks taken back by my answer and seems to ponder his next question carefully.
“If you two are only friends why the sudden need to confront Ryan?” I really do not want to get into a deep discussion about my relationship with Austin.
I get the feeling Bode is hoping for an answer I cannot give him. “Bode, you know me. I have lived as a relative shell of myself for the past few years. I think it is high time I face my past so I can consider a future.”
He seems to consider my answer in full before raising the issue he has been dancing around. “A future with Austin,” he says with a defeated tone. The look on his face is one of sadness and understanding.
I am confused by Bode’s budding interest. We have been friends for years. Sure, we had a fling or two back in high school and before I met Ryan, but it was never anything serious. “I’m not sure what the future holds. What I know though is that Austin is the first person who has ever made me consider having one.”
He seems to understand my heartfelt meaning and declares it time to go. I hate there is now an uncomfortable vibe between us.
Once we are in the car I decide to text J:
Me: *Hey, is something up with Bode I need to know about?* 8:57 pm
J: *I don’t think so, why?* 8:58 pm
Me: *Just getting a weird vibe* 8:58 pm
J: *I’m sure it’s fine* 9:00 pm
Of course, asking my brother about Bode didn’t elicit any information, but I had to ask anyway. I snap open my clutch to put my phone back when a new text dings.
Austin: *You know* 9:04 pm
Me: *I do know and so do you ;)* 9:05 pm
The giddiness behind my smile must be obvious and Bode calls me on it. “So who has you smiling like you won the lotto?”
I decide it is best to avoid the Austin topic for now. “J is making jokes,” I say with a laugh. I don’t think he believes me but he lets the subject drop anyway.
“Do you have a plan on how you will confront the asshat?” I can’t help the giggle that comes with that question. That is twice he has referred to Ryan as an asshat.
“No, I don’t. I guess I am hoping I can wing it. Hell, he may not even want to speak to me.” The truth is, I have no idea how Ryan will react to seeing me. One thing is for sure though I bet his reaction will be far less explosive than mine will.
“Well whatever happens, baby girl, I got your back. And for what my two cents are worth I don’t think he is worth a second of your time.” The sincerity in his voice puts me at ease.
“Thanks, I just want to get this over with.”
Chapter 15
Club Blue is an exclusive nightclub that always has a line around the block and tonight is no different. Luckily, Bode knows the owner and we are able to skip the line and walk right in to a VIP area.
The club pays homage to its name decorated to the hilt in blue. The walls are designed to appear icy and the lights like icicles. There is a permanent flow of smoke flowing along the floor and the bars sit like mock glaciers in the sea. It is truly like walking into another world, one that reeks of exclusivity and money.
We take a seat at our table on the second floor. This floor is strictly for VIP guests and affords us some privacy. Kami, our waitress for the night, clad in nothing more than white triangles covering her business comes to take our order. Bode orders vodka seven for me and tequila for himself.
Kami makes sure to give Bode an eyeful before sashaying off after our drinks. I don’t know why but it pisses me off that she has the nerve to flirt with him right in front of me. It is not as if she knows we are only friends. After Kami drops off our drinks, I decide to forget about her boldness and focus on the task I came here for.
Taking a big sip, I see Bode’s eyes go wide. “Looks like he is willing to speak to you,” he spits out while nodding at something behind me.
A familiar hand squeezes my shoulder and I turn to find Ryan standing over me. Oh, shit what was I thinking. Ryan is still good-looking but not as gorgeous as I once thought.
He is tall with sleek black hair and dark green eyes. His broad shoulders and powerful stance are giving off an intimidating vibe, one I do not intend to succumb to. He is wearing one of the expensive suits he considers mandatory when leaving the house. I honestly think it makes him look like a pompous ass.
I glance back at Bode who gives me a subtle nod before standing up to face the demon of my past. Bode moves to stand
behind me as Ryan puts a hand on my arm. “Rylee Ash,” he draws my name out, “I was beginning to believe I would never lay eyes on your beautiful face again.”
I remove the uncomfortable touch of his hand from my arm. “Ryan. How are you,” I ask curtly.
He flashes a sly grin, “Well Ryles, I am better now that you are here.” I have always hated that nickname and no one other than Ryan has ever used it.
I take a step backwards into Bode a move that clearly irritates Ryan. Bode places a protective hand on my waist as he addresses Ryan, “Is there something you need here Ryan?”
Ryan lets out a creepy chuckle, “Yeah, there is something I need. I want my girl back.”
Bode tenses up behind me so, I interject. “Ryan I stopped being your girl the second you stood me up. Which, by the way, was a shitty thing to do. Leaving me was one thing but to take the coward’s way out was just low.”
The smile drops from Ryan’s face. “I fucked up Ryles,” he says with a hint of sincerity.
“Why Ryan,” I ask before I lose my nerve. My hands are trembling and my stomach begins churning. Thank goodness, I didn’t eat or I would fear is reappearing now.
He looks at me with a hint of sadness in his eyes. “Ryles, let’s go somewhere and talk just you and me.”
Anger takes hold of me when he reaches for me. “No Ryan, just tell me why, so I can walk out of here free of you. And stop fucking calling me that.”
Shock registers on his face before his famous temper begins to flare. “Free of me? What the hell does that mean? I know you aren’t with this trash,” he says motioning towards Bode. “I saw the pictures of you with Austin Black from last night. You two looked very cozy. Or do you just give it up for anyone now?”
The tension in the air has become thick and Bode is now a solid wall of fury. I lean back into him hoping to stop the fight I imagine is inevitable. Tears begin to sting my eyes as I register the hateful words Ryan has spewed.
“Fuck you Ryan, you have no right. What I do or don’t do is no business of yours. You gave that up when you stood me up at our rehearsal dinner,” I scream at him. I am suddenly thankful for the loud music pouring through the sound system. I cannot believe after four years I still give a damn what he has to say or what he thinks of me, but I do.
Not having unleashed all of my rage, I continue, “And for your information I have not given it up to anyone since you. Hell Ryan, I haven't even been on a date since the night you walked out on me. You see, when you walked away, you reinforced the idea that I am not good enough. You know the idea my parents drove into my head repeatedly. It seems that anyone, besides Jeremy, I allow myself to love comes to the same conclusion I. AM. NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH. So, before you go all high and mighty spewing bullshit, at me or Bode, maybe you should take a step back and check out the damage you caused. The worst part is you knew. You were the only person besides J that ever knew how my parents treated us and the damage they caused.”
Shock fills the air around us after my admission. Ryan's face has fallen and his posture is weakened. Bode wraps his arms around me and is holding me up as my knees go weak. My anger gives way to tears and exhaustion. My heart is beating out of my chest and I become overwhelmingly dizzy.
Ryan takes a calculated step towards me with a face full of concern just before my vision begins to blur and my world goes black. I come to a few minutes later laying on the bench of a booth with Bode standing over me in panic mode. My head is foggy, but otherwise I feel fine.
Bode is arguing with Ryan. I hear him say, “Get the fuck away from her. Don't you think you have caused enough trouble? She's unconscious for God's sake.”
Ryan snaps back, “I just want to make sure she is ok, I have never stopped caring about Ryles. Shit Bode, you know that.” I find that funny as I try to sit up. I am curious as to how Bode should know that though.
Bode takes a step towards Ryan. “Don't you try to put any of that shit on me. J and I did what was best for Ry,” he states as he pushes Ryan.
To cut through the tension and prevent a fistfight I mumble, “Bode, would you please get me some water?”
He immediately does an about face, walks away from Ryan, and comes to my side. “Jesus baby girl are you ok,” he asks, as he looks me over.
“Bode, I am fine I just got a little over excited.”
Ryan is pacing back and forth when the paramedics come up the stairs. He takes a seat at a nearby table looking as flustered as I have ever seen him. I really wish he would just leave. He may not have told me why, but I said all I have to say to him. I am done.
The medics check my vitals and ask what happened. I explain and they decide a doctor should check me out. Still being light headed and completely overwhelmed I agree. Bode rides in the ambulance with me where I lose consciousness again.
Chapter 16
I wake up in the sterile confines of the hospital with a nurse tending to the IV in my arm. The room is cold and white. There is one picture of a beach on the wall and a television mounted in front of my bed.
My nurse, Edie, notices I am awake. “Well, darling it looks like you needed some rest.” I give her a small smile while looking around the room.
“Where is Bode,” I ask her hoping he is close.
“Don’t worry honey he is here, I made him take his phone call outside so he wouldn’t wake you.” I don’t need to guess who he is on the phone with; I would bet it is my big brother.
Edie tells me to rest and that the doctor will be by shortly. I thank her and as she exits the room, Bode enters. He looks like hell. His hair is a mess and I can tell he has been running his hands through it, repeatedly from the looks of it. His clothes are wrinkled and his demeanor somber.
He looks down at me upon fully entering the room, “Rylee, Rylee, Rylee you sweetheart scared the shit out of me.” I hold my hand out inviting him to come to me. He takes my hand and sits down in the faded blue chair next to my bed.
“Bode I am so sorry for all this,” I say feeling horrible at what I have put him through.
“Don’t be sorry Ry. Get some sleep so this doesn’t happen again.”
Then I realize I don’t know what happened other than I passed out at Club Blue while confronting Ryan. “What happened, Bode? How long was I out?”
He takes a deep breath and runs his hands through his hair. “You passed out at the club and again on the way to the hospital. You have been asleep for about six hours. The longest six hours of my life I might add,” he says with a smirk. “The doctor says you are dehydrated and exhaustion over took your body when the adrenaline wore off.”
I suddenly feel so stupid. I knew I was tired. I haven’t slept more than a few hours in the past two and a half days, and basically all I drank was alcohol related.
“Gees Bode I am so sorry. I guess you called J,” I ask already knowing the answer.
“Yeah, I have spoken to him every hour. I even talked to Austin a little while ago. They are worried, but I assured them you are ok so they haven’t hopped on a plane yet. You may want to call and reassure them soon though.”
I sit up and pull Bode into a hug. “Thank you, I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here. I guess you and Jeremy were right on this one.” For that, he gives me a big smile and a wink.
The doctor comes in a few minutes later and recaps the story Bode told me. However, he adds that I should take it easy for a few days and try to avoid stressful situations. He said this is not uncommon and really isn’t something to worry about unless it occurs frequently. Finally, he tells me that I can go home in the morning. That is technically only a couple of hours from now. I thank him for everything.
Once the doctor is clear of the room, I talk Bode into giving me my phone and I find a bevy of missed calls and texts from Austin and Jeremy. I skip those for now and dial my big brother even though it is before dawn at home. Surprisingly, he picks up on the first ring:
“Rylee?”
“Hey J. Sorry if I woke you up.�
�
“No worries baby girl I am happy to hear your voice. How are you feeling?”
“I’m ok J, a little tired but ok.”
“Well, I guess that is to be expected. I don’t want to keep you. Go get some rest and call me when you can.”
“J, I am sorry for all this. I am glad you sent Bode though.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Ry. Well you will if you don’t call Austin and get him off my back,” he chuckles. “I am not sure which one of us was more worried.”
“I will thank you J. Love you big bro.”
“I love you too sis, take care of yourself and call me in the morning. Good night.”
Once we hang up, I see Bode is wiped out so I suggest he go lay down for a bit. He fights me at first but finally gives in knowing that I am safe in the confines of the hospital.
After Bode leaves, I pick up my phone again and consider calling Austin. I would hate to wake him up, but I also ache to talk to him. This night has been shitty, and his voice will give me a little happiness. Deciding he would probably be mad if he found out I even considered not calling I hit call. It rings several times before that sexy voice answers.
“Ry, baby, is that you? Are you ok?”
“Hey Aus, I wasn’t sure whether to call. I didn’t want to wake you up.”
“Oh baby, it is so good to hear your voice. I’ve been going out of my mind worrying about you,” he says with genuine anguish in his voice.
“I’m so sorry for worrying you, but I am fine. Apparently a little dehydrated and tired but otherwise ok.”
“Ry, I um,” he pauses. It sounds like he is trying to find the words, “Ry, I have a million things I want to ask and a million more I want to say. But, I uh, right now I am just glad you are ok.” His voice cracks and breaks my heart.
“Austin,” I wait for his breathing to slow and my eyes begin to water. “Austin, I realize this is a lot and I wouldn’t blame you for walking away.” My heart shatters as the words leave my mouth, but I want him to be happy.
Not Enough: Is love ever enough? (The Enough Series Book 1) Page 7
