“Rylee, no, I don’t want to walk away. I am dying being this far away from you. I want to be there for you. I want to be the one taking care of you. Rylee I am in,” I stop him before he can finish the statement.
“I know Aus, I do. You promised you wouldn’t say it until you can see me. But, I want you to know that it’s ok if you can’t handle all of this or if you don’t want to. Aus, it’s ok.” Tears are pouring down my cheeks. I want him to tell me it is all ok. I want him.
“Fine, I won’t say it but you know Ry, you have to. You should also understand that I do not take that lightly or say that freely. It means that I am in this with you. We may not have a label for us yet, but no matter what we are whether it is friends or more I will always be here for you.”
I cannot the stop the sobs that escape my throat as he says the words I so desperately needed to hear. “You are amazing Aus, and I you know you so much.”
“I know you do Ry, and this is going to work out. You get some sleep and get your beautiful butt back here.” I can’t help smiling. I can’t wait to go home.
“I will Aus, I can’t wait. I miss your face. My flight is scheduled to leave late this afternoon, and I will be on it come hell or high water.”
“Sounds good baby, now sleep. I you know.”
“Yeah I know and you do too. Bye Aus.”
Chapter 17
I can’t help the giddy smile on my face as I snuggle into my pillow. I hate the sterile smell of the hospital, but I hope to fall asleep. I want to get out of here and home to Austin. I am so consumed in my Austin bubble I don’t notice when Ryan walks through the door until he speaks. “Hey Ryles, I mean Rylee.”
I am shocked to find him standing here so distraught, but I really have nothing more for him. “What do you want Ryan?”
He shuffles forward with his hands in his pockets and his head low. “Rylee, I um, well I wanted to make sure you are ok and I want to apologize.” Looking into his eyes, I can see the distress and decide to listen to what he has to say.
“Ok, well I am fine. Apparently dehydration, exhaustion, and stress are a bad combination.” He looks at me with concern and confusion.
Ryan seems unsure how to proceed so I urge him along. “Say what you need to Ryan, I am tired.”
He motions toward the chair silently asking if he can sit, and I oblige. “Rylee, there is so much I want to say to you. Things I have tried to say for years. First, I need to apologize for that night. I was a coward and took the easy way out. You deserved better. You always deserved better.” I am intrigued by the genuine tone in his voice but choose only to shrug my shoulders.
“Ryles, shit I’m sorry, old habits die hard. Rylee, I screwed up with you. I heard every word you said tonight and, I want you to know, you are wrong. You were always enough. There was never a time you were not enough. It was me. I changed when we moved to Houston. I became consumed with the fame and money that came with my starting role. You were so busy between school and planning the wedding, I don’t think you saw it. You always supported me and I resented that you weren’t consumed with the things I was. When Cami came along, I liked that she was obsessed with my position and money. She wanted me for what I mistakenly thought was important.” He pauses to assess my reaction, which is one of disbelief at this point.
“I realized my mistake shortly after I married her and had the marriage annulled. It became clear that the unconditional support, love, and understanding you gave me were what were important. I messed up so bad Ry. I tried reaching out to you several times only to be met by the force of nature that is the boys who protect you. Jeremy, Bode, and even Eric made it abundantly clear I would never get near you. I tried calling, showing up, and even sent flowers a time or two.”
He notices the shock on my face as I process this new information. “I had no idea Ryan, I really didn’t.”
He gives me a shy smile before continuing, “You can’t blame them. I would have done the same thing. I didn’t deserve a second chance. I still don’t deserve it. But, true to form, you are here listening to me ramble when you should throw me out. You are truly the best Ryles.”
I stare into his eyes to see a broken soul. All this time I thought he walked away from me and never looked back. I am not surprised J and Bode didn’t let him near me, but I am pissed they didn’t at least tell me about it. “Ryan I don’t know what to say. Thank you for being honest with me it means a lot.” I mean that, the fact he is sitting here bearing his soul shows me I wasn’t wrong to love him once upon a time.
“I always said, if I ever had the opportunity, I would beg you for another chance. However, lucky for you I heard the last of your conversation when I walked in. I assume you were talking to Austin,” he pauses and I nod. “If he can make you smile and your eyes light up like that over the phone, while you are in the hospital, you must love him.”
The thought of Austin makes me happy, and I smile giving a small head tilt that confirms for Ryan that I am in love with Austin.
“Well, if he ever screws up or you need a friend I will be around. Considering he made you fall in love with him without ever taking you on a date I will have to bow down to his mad skills,” he says with a wink.
It is hard to fathom that in a matter of a few hours I have gone from despising the man in front of me to acceptance where he is concerned. I loved Ryan, and we shared a lot of wonderful times I can let take over my memory of him now. I have done what I came here to do. My past with Ryan can be just that, the past. It feels like a burden has lifted from my heart leaving me free to move forward.
I reach out and squeeze his hand. “I can tell you one thing, Ryan, you definitely made things a lot harder for Austin. Mad skills, or not, I have put him through the ringer. I actually came here looking for you. I had it in my head that if I could confront you I could move on. I really had no idea how this would turn out.”
Shock and a little mischief flash in his green eyes. “You were looking for me huh? I guess I will take that as a good sign.”
I can’t help laughing and feel a little relief as Ryan’s bravado returns. “Ryan, I appreciate you coming here and telling me everything. I am glad I can leave here and leave my hatred for you behind.”
His face falls slightly at the mention of hatred. “I will take that for now, but I won’t let it be another four years before I see you again.” That statement seems odd, but I will chalk it up to the long night we have all endured.
“We’ll see Ryan. Only time will tell.” He stands up and kisses my hand just as Bode walks back in.
“Ryan I told you to stay the fuck away from her,” Bode yells as he rushes towards Ryan.
“Bode, let it go. He came here to apologize and give me the answers I asked for.” He turns to look at me and Ryan gives me a mock salute as he makes his way around Bode and out of my life.
Bode eyes me suspiciously, “Are you sure everything is ok?”
Letting out the breath, I didn’t know I was holding I nod, “I am fine. You and J, however, have some explaining to do. But not tonight because I am exhausted and need sleep.”
The guilty look on his face tells me he knows exactly what I am referring to. Instead of pushing anything he sits down in the chair, turns on the television, props his feet up on my bed, and tells me to sleep.
Chapter 18
I am released from the hospital the next morning and Bode takes me back to the cabin to gather my things. We don’t talk much. I am still reeling from the fact he and J kept so much from me. As much as I would like to ask Bode about it, my brother was the ringleader, and the one who needs to explain.
After a shower and a light lunch, Bode and I head for the airport. I managed to get on an earlier flight home. I chose not to tell Austin wanting to talk to Jeremy and bury the past for the last time. I will be ready for more with Austin when I show up on his doorstep this time.
Bode’s silence in the car is making me nervous. No matter what happened in the past I adore Bode, he is like a br
other. Unable to let things stay awkward I speak up, “Hey, you ok Bode? You are way to quiet.”
He glances over at me, “Yeah baby girl, I’m ok. I have a lot on my mind, and I was a little afraid you weren’t speaking to me,” he says with a slight smile.
I place a reassuring hand on his leg. “Darling, I will always speak to you. I mean, you are my bestie and all, you know,” I squeeze slightly causing his leg to jump.
He smiles before a slight sadness seems to cloud his strong features. “Yeah besties,” he mumbles under his breath.
I decide to let that go unsure of what the issue is. “Are you sure you don’t want to come home with me,” I say hoping he will reconsider. I don’t like leaving him here alone in the funk he seems to be in.
He takes my hand off his leg and places on the console between us. “No Ry, I need to stay here and clear my head. I will see you in New York though.”
He is referring to the draft, which is two weeks away and the equivalent of my Super Bowl. “All right, if you are sure I guess I will let you stay.”
After hugging Bode goodbye, I walk away with a heavy heart. I can tell something is off between us, and I do not think it has anything to do with Ryan’s revelations. I board the plane taking my seat next to the window and hope I can get a little rest on the way home. My eyes close to visions of a future with Austin, one that just might come true before the day is over.
A brutal nine hours later, I am finally home and waiting for a chance to clear the air with J before heading over to see Austin. I settle on taking a hot shower to rid myself of the day’s travels and change into my black yoga pants and a blue V-neck t-shirt. Descending the stairs, I find J sitting on the couch watching basketball. I swing through the kitchen and grab a couple beers before taking a seat in the recliner to his right.
I hand J one beer, and I can tell he is trying to avoid this conversation. He looks at me crookedly, “So, how was your trip?”
Not eager to argue with my big brother I humor the banter. “It was fine. You know, a dinner out, some clubbing, a night in the hospital. All good things,” I say with sarcasm.
At the hospital mark, J’s face twists and his nonchalance disappears. “Ry, I am so glad you are ok, but I won’t apologize for keeping him away from you.” I can see anger mixed with pain in his eyes, and I know J would never do anything to hurt me. J is without a doubt the one person in the world I can count on. I have known that since I was seven.
I take a deep breath to consider how important this part of the past is to my future. “J, I don’t expect you to apologize for keeping him away from me. I would never expect that. What I don’t understand though is why. When you knew how much I was hurting, you didn’t at least tell me he tried to contact me. I spent the last four years believing he walked away without ever looking back. You could’ve told me.” As I finish tears well in my eyes, and my voice cracks. I am a little surprised just how hurt I feel. I can’t say knowing Ryan tried to reach out would have changed anything, but I think I deserved to know.
Jeremy gets up, takes a seat on the arm of the recliner next to me, and pulls me into a hug. As I cry my eyes out, he strokes my hair and quietly apologizes. “I am so sorry baby girl. I didn’t want to give him the chance to hurt you again. I never thought knowing might change your perspective. You were the best thing to ever happen to that shitbag. It never occurred to me you needed the reassurance.”
I hear the sincerity in my brother’s voice and I realize that I am the one who allowed Ryan to ruin parts of me. It is time I take responsibility for that.
I breathe through the sobs and squeeze J tight trying to calm myself. I can tell he is watching the end of the game over my head and I can’t help chuckling, boys and their sports. The truth is, I don’t care what he is doing, he is here, and he always has been. I wipe the tears from my face as I pull away from him and he smiles his reassuring big brother smile, “I love you baby girl.”
I smile back, “I know you do, and I still wish you would have told me, but I understand why you didn’t. I’m not sure how to overcome the feeling of not being enough sometimes, you know.”
He looks at me with acceptance, “Ry, of course I know how you feel. I lived our childhood too, but at some point you need to realize that our parents were pieces of shit and nothing in the world we did would have ever pleased them. I won’t say I don’t have a few down days myself, but those only come if I think I will disappoint my real family: you, Bode, Eric, or my teammates.”
He takes a deep breath running a hand through his hair as I ponder how to respond. Then he continues, “Ry, we were never the problem, we were always enough. They were the ones who didn’t deserve us, they were not enough, hell they weren’t anything. So please stop giving them control over our lives.” With that, he chugs the rest of his beer and walks to the kitchen.
I take a few moments to compose myself before repeating his performance of slamming the beer and walking into the kitchen. Jeremy is standing with his hands on the counter and head hung low as I walk up and put a hand on his tense shoulder. “Thank you J, you are right as always, and I am sorry I made you go through it again. I love you more than you will ever believe and am so grateful I for you.”
He stands stone still before finally raising his head and giving me a small smile. “I love you too baby girl, now do you have time for one more beer before you go off chasing the pretty boy QB?”
I nod, “Absolutely!”
J and I end up splitting a six-pack and laughing at re-runs on television. I have missed spending time with my brother. He is the one who keeps me grounded. Before I realize it, it is almost ten o’clock and I haven’t heard from Austin. I grab my phone expecting to find a message or two, but am shocked to see none. I guess he is just expecting me to come by like I said I would. I am still surprised since my original plane was scheduled to land hours ago. I thank J for the talk, give him a big hug before grabbing my flip-flops, and head for the door.
J is watching Boss tonight so I grab my keys and my purse and head out to the garage. Climbing into my car, I am incredibly nervous because this short ride will change everything. I check my appearance in the rear-view mirror, and despite the growing bags under my eyes, I am satisfied with my appearance. With a deep breath, I pull out of the garage and head towards my future with a smile in my heart for the first time in years.
Chapter 19
I pull into Austin’s driveway mere minutes later, my heart is pounding with excitement, and I can’t wait to throw my arms around him. I grab my things and practically sprint towards the door. Knocking twice I wait for him to open the door even though I have a key. After waiting a few minutes, I become concerned and grab my key letting myself into his house.
All is quiet until I hear what sounds like laughter coming from the living room. I make my way through the entryway and towards the source, only to see Austin with his arms wrapped around a blonde woman comfortably tucked in his arms.
I stand there for seconds that feel like hours as I take in the scene. He is smiling, and she appears at ease in his embrace. They are so consumed by one another they haven’t noticed my presence. Like a coward, I back out of the doorway and head back out the front door with my heart in pieces.
In complete shock, I run to my car and jump in before the tears overtake me. I cannot believe Austin would do this. I thought he loved me. I believed we had a future. I am so stupid. I fell for the lines of another ego driven quarterback. Once again, I am not enough. He needs more than I have offered, and who can blame him. My timing couldn’t be worse. I finally decide I am ready, and he figured out he is tired of waiting. Go figure.
I wipe the tears from my eyes and put the car in gear. As I pull away, I glance up at the rear-view mirror at what could have been. Shocked I see Austin come through the front door and the remaining shards of my heart explode. Due to the darkness, I can’t tell what he is doing. It looks like he is waving. I suppose that is appropriate.
Making my way up
the drive, I notice he is following me on foot so I speed up wanting to avoid any awkward confrontation. If he wants her, I will bow out while I still have a shred of self-respect. I want Austin to be happy even if it means letting him go.
Not ready to face anyone I drive around for a while until my phone begins to ring incessantly. The first several calls were from Austin all of which I send to voice mail. After about an hour, Jeremy calls and I know it is Austin related. He wouldn’t be calling otherwise. Last he heard I was leaving to go spend time with Austin. I ignore that call too and continue driving until I find myself in front of my office. In need of a distraction, I head inside to get a head start on the week.
After letting myself in and locking up behind me my phone rings again, J. Before I can say hello the inquisition begins:
“Ry, where are you? What the hell happened? Austin is here and is freaking the fuck out.”
“J, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I am fine, and I will be home later.”
“Rylee Ash, that will not cut it right now, what is going on?”
“Are you with Austin?”
“Yeah, I told you he is here freaking the fuck out on me, demanding to know where you are.”
“J, I don’t want to do this now. My heart is broken and I want to be alone.”
“Tell me where you are. Let me come get you. I don’t know what is going on, but I can tell by your voice that you are not ok. You were released from hospital less than twelve hours ago. Shit Ry, tell me where you are.”
I walk through my office settling behind my desk. I can make out Austin pleading with Jeremy to give him the phone. This whole situation has me beyond confused. If he was as happy as he appeared with that woman then why is he at my house hounding my brother. None of this adds up.
“J, let it go for now, and tell Austin to go home. I am sure the blonde will be ready and waiting. I’ll be around later. I am fine.”
Not Enough: Is love ever enough? (The Enough Series Book 1) Page 8
