“Wait what, what blonde, what are you talking about Ry?” The anger rises in J’s voice as he confronts Austin.
“Who is the blonde, man? My sister goes over there and what you were with somebody else? Get the fuck out of this house.”
Austin tries to explain. “Wait J, you don’t understand. It is not what either of you think, she….”
He doesn’t get the rest of the sentence out before J is shouting at him again. “Get the fuck out. How could you do that to her? Fuck you. Get out.” The door slams on my relationship with Austin both literally and figuratively. J is breathing hard and I can almost feel the anger rolling off him through the phone.
In a gentle voice he returns to the phone, “Baby girl, where are you? I want to come get you.”
Unable to hold my tears in any longer I sob into the phone before squeaking out, “At work.”
“Stay there. I will be there in ten minutes. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?”
“No, bring your keys.”
After hanging up the phone, I curl up into a ball on the couch in my office and free the pent up emotion of the past four years. While I continue sobbing my phone continues to ring, chirp, and make every annoying sound possible. Looking at the screen, I see numerous missed alerts from Austin forcing me to hurl the damn thing at the opposite wall shattering it.
By the time Jeremy arrives, I am sick of crying and exhaustion is taking over my body. This weekend has been a full-blown assault on me both physically and emotionally. J rushes through the door and wraps me into a protective embrace. “It will be ok Ry. I promise.”
The sincerity in my big brother’s eyes is comforting. I can only hope he is right. “I am in love with him,” I say through hiccupped breaths.
He squeezes me tighter, “I know you are. I am so sorry Ry. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I should’ve left it alone. I thought he was a good guy.”
I am astonished that somehow J is taking responsibility for this mess. “J, this is in no way your fault. In fact, you did me a favor at least I finally put the past behind me.”
I look up meeting eyes that mirror mine and realize that no matter what the world throws at me I will be ok because I have J. He pulls back from me noticing my cell phone across the room. “I take it he was still calling,” he asks with a hint of sarcasm.
Smiling half-heartedly I relent, “Let’s go home I am exhausted.”
On the ride home, I am spent. The somber lights passing through the window lull me into calmness. I doze off to the poignant lyrics of ‘I Will Survive,’ with an ironic smile on my face. I wake briefly as J caries me in the house and lays me in bed. I am fading off when the arguing begins between Austin and J. Their voices are raised at first and then fall to a whisper before I plunge into a restless sleep.
Chapter 20
The next morning I wake with sadness in my heart, but a determination to break free of the confines of my past mistakes. I pull myself out of bed, shower, and grab my riding clothes hoping J is up for a ride this morning. As I make my way down the stairs I find J is already up and typing away on his smart phone. “Hey you, feel like a ride this morning?”
He looks up at me confused by my pleasant demeanor. “Yeah, sure I am. Are you ok?”
I think about the question and the answer is no, but I refuse to let my past, even yesterday, affect my future. “I’m not great, but I want a nice day with my big brother on the open road. Nothing is better for the soul right?”
I can tell there is something he wants to say, but instead takes my words at face value and leaves it be. “Give me ten minutes and we can go,” he says with a genuine smile.
I grab a can of Monster and lace up my motorcycle boots. I am wearing my black leather riding pants, a red tank top, and my tall motorcycle boots that boast six buckles up the sides.
This outfit always makes me a little like a Hell’s Angel. But, J says the leather for is for my own protection. I also kind of feel like a bad ass in them, and this morning I can use a little bad ass in my blood.
Awe set off towards the garage, I there is a knock on the front door, and I can’t help wondering who would be here so early in the morning. I walk back to the front door and peer out the peephole to find a sullen Austin with the blonde girl standing next to him. Yes, I said girl, there is no way she is over the age of sixteen. My heart falls immediately at the sight. He looks disheveled as if he hasn’t slept in days. Trying to steel my wound up nerves, I take my time unlocking the deadbolt and cracking the door open.
“What do you want Austin? I am getting ready to walk out the door.” It takes everything I have to say the words without breaking down. I know without a doubt, after laying eyes on him, I am one hundred percent head over heels in love with him. However, the sight of the blonde is still breaking my heart.
“Ry, please open the door and let me introduce you to my sister.” Holy shit, did he just say his sister. I slam my head on the door causing it to close as I realize what a complete fool I am.
“Rylee, did you hear me? Please open the door.” I am beyond embarrassed by my actions. I would love to crawl into a hole and hide. Instead, I open the door to the man of my dreams looking completely distraught standing next to his sister. She is a beautiful girl. The family resemblance is obvious now that I can see her face.
I extend my hand out to her. “Hi, I am Rylee.”
She graciously takes my hand, “Hi, I am Ally, Austin’s younger sister.”
I give her the biggest smile I can manage as I look between the two of them, “It is a pleasure to meet you Ally.”
Austin appears to calm down a fraction as he leans forward taking my hand. “Ry, can we could talk for a minute?” It breaks my heart that twenty-four hours ago I was rushing home to fall into his arms, and now it’s like there is an ocean separating us. An ocean I put between us with my stupid insecurity.
I nod in assent. “Come on in. Let me run tell J to give us a few minutes.” I jog towards Jeremy’s room stopping short to find him standing in the hallway.
“Sister huh,” he says with surprise and a slight smirk.
“Yeah, I guess so. Listen will you pull the bikes around while I sort this out,” I say still in disbelief.
J saunters off towards the garage, and I walk to the front of the house to find Austin alone at the kitchen counter. “Where’s Ally?”
He looks up with immense sadness in his eyes. “I sent her back to my house so we could talk in private.” We stand there for a few moments taking each other in. I am at a complete loss for words. I cannot believe I misread last night so badly. I should apologize, but I don’t know where to start. Just as I start to speak, he interrupts my train of thought.
“Ry, I know how last night must have looked, but I don’t understand why you didn’t see fit to trust me. Have I done anything to give you the impression I am anything but one hundred percent in with you?”
He looks at me with so much emotion I lose my composure and tears well up in my eyes. “Austin, I am so sorry, I thought, well you know what I thought. And, no, you have never given me a reason to doubt you. I figured you finally got tired of waiting around for me to make up my mind. I wouldn’t blame you if that were the case. I wouldn’t fault you if you walk out the door right now and never turn back.”
“Rylee, I have never wanted to walk away from you. Don’t you think if I did, I would have by now? Jesus, you know how I feel about you. But, I can’t figure out how to go forward if you don’t trust me.”
I wish I could tell him that I trust him, but the truth is I have only ever trusted four people. One of those four broke my heart and the other three are family. “I don’t know what to say Aus, it’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that I trust no one. I have been burned on that bridge too many times.”
About that time, J pulls the first bike around to the front of the house. The roar of the engine breaks the tension momentarily. With the first bike parked out front, I realize I don’t have time.
“Austin, I told you we would need to have that conversation one day, and it appears we have reached that point. So if you are willing maybe we can talk tonight after J and I get back.” The clear disapproval on his face tells me I should probably give us priority right now, but I can’t. I need to breathe. I want to unwind with the wind in my face.
“So where are you going,” he asks with more pain than curiosity.
“J and I are going for a ride to take a break from the world.” Austin stares at me with fire burning behind his sparkling blue eyes.
“So you ride a motorcycle,” he says with a hint of shock.
“Oh, I love to ride. It is one of the most freeing experiences in the world,” I answer with more enthusiasm than necessary.
The look on his face shows he does not approve. “Please tell Jeremy to be careful, I would hate for you to get hurt.”
For a second I am confused. Why he is worried about J? Then it hits me he has no clue I ride alone. Well, no reason to dispel that thought now. “We are always careful.”
Grabbing my keys and throwing on my leather jacket, we make our way to the door. Austin interlaces his fingers with mine melting my heart. He is about to flip when he sees both bikes. Sure enough, Austin stops dead in his tracks when he registers two bikes parked in the driveway. He turns to me with complete horror on his face. “I thought you were going for a ride with Jeremy,” he emphasizes the word with as if it will remedy this situation.
I walk over to him and place my hand gently on his arm. “I am going with J. It just so happens I am taking my own bike. But, if it makes it any better we’ve been riding for years.” His face falls and anguish flashes through his normally bright eyes. That definitely did not make it better.
His whole body is tense and I feel a little guilty for upsetting him. He looks between my red and black Suzuki Hayabusa and me with disbelief. “That bike is so big. Are you sure you can handle it?”
Under normal circumstances, I would be pissed if someone challenged my abilities, but I can tell Austin is just uncomfortable and worried. “Austin I promise I can handle it, I ride it to work most days.”
Without so much as a word Austin pulls me into him and hugs me, so tight it is hard to breathe. “Rylee, please be careful. I really, really hate those things. Promise me you will text when you stop and call me when you get back.” My name trails off his lips as he slowly loosens his grip.
I stare into his eyes, which are full of fear and run my hand lightly down the side of his face. “Austin, I will be fine, but I promise to check-in. I will see you tonight.” He stands there with his hands in his pockets watching J and I ride away, the expression on his face breaks my heart.
Chapter 21
The open road feels good, and I am ecstatic to be out with my big brother away from the drama that has filled my life the past few days. However, I can’t help thinking of Austin. I rode away from Austin with a heavy heart. I hate that something I love to do is causing him pain, but I refuse to change who I am for anyone. I did that once, and it did not turn out well. J and I stopped by the store on the way out of town so I could replace my broken cell phone. You never know when you might need one. After that quick stop, we hop on I-95 North and set the city to our rear-view.
We ride a couple hundred miles up I-95 and break for lunch at Betsy’s Diner. It is a great little diner that serves home cooking that is out of this world. The normal clientele is composed of families that live in the nearby beach community. J and I draw attention when we walk in dressed in all leather until Betsy greets us with huge hugs. We discovered this place a few months after I moved to Boston and we try to make it up here at least once or twice a month when the weather is good.
Betsy never allows us to order off the menu. She brings us the special of the day and we have yet to complain. Today we are having fried chicken and mashed potatoes. I am stoked. There are very few places up north that can fry chicken like they do in the south.
J and I talked throughout lunch and he brought up the Austin situation. We have a repeat of prior conversations where J tells me to put the past behind me and learn to live a little. I understand everything he says, but unfortunately, it is easier said than done. After finishing our meal, Betsy brings us a huge serving of apple pie and vanilla ice cream insisting we partake. It doesn’t take much convincing. By the time we finish we are stuffed beyond belief. Due to our overeating, we opt for a walk by the beach to let our food settle before climbing back on the bikes.
We walk down the path next to the beach in relative silence before J weighs in on Austin again. “Listen baby girl, I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I have to ask. Are you sure you aren’t just playing into the lack of trust for a reason to back away from him?” I hadn’t thought about it, but I guess it is possible I am just using this as another reason to shield my heart. Without a coherent answer, I shrug my shoulders.
“Ry, I know you, and there is no way you would ever spend that much time or get that close to anyone you don’t trust. You don’t let people in, so maybe you need to consider that before you walk away.”
I am shocked at my brother’s blunt observation and somewhat mortified he is likely right. I absolutely adore that he is trying to make sure I don’t walk away from something for the wrong reasons. I can’t imagine most big brothers taking the time to meddle in their sister’s love lives. I'm sure J would rather be doing anything else. We make our way back to the bikes, and I offer a much needed change of topic. He has given me more than enough to think about on the way home.
“So, who won the game last night,” I ask receiving a knowing smile in return.
We stop about half way back for a bathroom break and to get gas. While J is in the restroom, I check my phone and realize I never texted Austin to let him know we were ok. Before I unlock the home screen, I notice several missed texts and one voicemail.
Austin: *Haven’t you guys stopped yet* 12:47 pm
Austin: *????? WTF Ry, it has been over 4 hours* 1:05 pm
Austin: *Rylee, R U OK* 1:32 pm
Austin: *Fuck, Ry I’m going crazy here. R U OK* 1:53 pm
Shit! Shit! Shit! I cannot believe I forgot something as simple as texting him. The last text was a mere five minutes ago. I want to listen to the message, but I opt for texting him back to calm his nerves, and because I am too chickenshit to call him right now. I type out a text as fast as my fingers will allow.
Me: *I’m sorry Austin I 4got to text u. We will be home in about 2 hrs* 2:08 pm
As I head inside the little convenience store, my phone buzzes again.
Austin: *Glad u r ok* 2:10 pm
I send a quick reply to gauge the situation.
Me: *C U soon J*2:10 pm
He replies a second later.
Austin: *Not tonight* 2:11 pm
My heart sinks as I realize this is the first time Austin is truly mad at me. Realizing there is no reason I will walk away from him and the possible repercussions of my actions hit me hard. I am in love with him. I want to be with him. I have to fix this. The rest of the ride home I try to come up with ways to apologize and make him understand I am ready for there to be an us.
About two hours later, J and I pull into the garage. I dart in the house to change clothes. I do not want to give Austin any outward reminders of my afternoon so I change into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and head for the garage. Before I make it out J stops me. “Baby girl, take it easy on him, and give him the whole story, he deserves the truth.”
He is right, but I still have not figured out how to fight the fear and self-doubt that comes with my whole past. “Thanks J, I will text you soon.”
It is just past five o’clock, and I hope Austin is home. My stomach is in knots and nervousness is coursing through my body like blood. I pull up to the gate and punch in the code granting me access. I park in front of the house, jump out, and make a mad dash for the door. As I approach the large mahogany front door, I reach for my key but knock instead since he is upset w
ith me. I knock three times and there is no answer.
After waiting for almost five minutes, I pull out my key, and let myself in. I look around the living room, kitchen, and den but there is no sign of Austin. Upstairs I find he is not in his room, but I notice the shower is still wet meaning he must have been here recently. Nice detective skills at work there, Rylee. I settle in downstairs to wait and send him a quick text.
Me: *Where r u? I am really sorry. Let me make it up 2 u* 5:10 pm
Forty-five minutes later, there is still no sign of Austin and no response to my text. He always responds, so it's clear he is still mad, hurt, or both. Then my phone vibrates with an incoming text so I slide it open as fast as possible. My heart deflates as I read J’s message.
J: *Everything ok w/ u 2* 5:56 pm
Me: *No, I can’t find him. Waiting here* 5:56 pm
J: *Give him time Ry* 5:58 pm
Me: *I f*#cked up* 5:59 pm
J: *Yep u did. Come out w/me and Bode, Eric is coming 2* 6:00 pm
Me: *No I want 2 stay here* 6:00 pm
J: *I will come get u. Come on* 6:02 pm
Me: *NO* 6:03 pm
J: *He will come 2 u when he’s ready* 6:04 pm
Me: *Fine, but just 4 a bit* 6:08 pm
Jeremy is probably right. If Austin wanted to see me, he would have been here by now or at least responded. In addition, I am curious why Bode is back so soon and I haven’t seen Eric in over a month. I wait around another couple of minutes before heading home to get ready.
With quiet desperation, I walk out of his house. I have the eerie feeling this will be the last time I will ever walk out of this door. I sure hope it isn’t.
With tears in my eyes I climb into my car, glance back, and send up a silent prayer that Austin will forgive me sooner rather than later. Once I get home and through the garage door into the house, J surprises me by pulling me into a big hug. I wrap my arms around my brother and the tears stream down my cheeks. He holds me for a minute then lets go and looks into my eyes. “Baby girl, I am glad to see you have let someone in, but I won’t tolerate him making you cry even if it is your fault,” he says in a way only a protective sibling can.
Not Enough: Is love ever enough? (The Enough Series Book 1) Page 9
