by Rachel Astor
I looked down.
Dirt, bits of toilet paper, and tiny puddles covered the grimy surface.
I gagged, still clawing at the door.
My breathing deepened, hyperventilation about to kick in.
And then, as if by a miracle, the latch clicked open ever-so-easily, as if I had been insane all along and nothing was even jammed.
The people in there looked at me like I was crazy.
I’m sure scrubbing my face as if I was trying to get the skin off probably didn’t help that impression too much.
CHAPTER 9
The dresses my mother picked could not have been more different from Mattie’s, but I had to say, each of hers was just as perfect for me as his: a simple satin fitted bateau neckline dress with a flowing skirt draping over a bustle in the back; a gorgeous princess dress with full tulle skirt and sheer sleeves; and to my utter shock, she even picked out a slinky, even somewhat sexy, sheath halter dress.
The trying on was fun, but I had to break the news to my mother soon, only… now I wasn’t so sure I didn’t want her doing it. I mean, Mattie’s ideas were so exciting and fresh and fun, but Mom’s were almost magical, tradition all the way, which sometimes held more meaning.
I sighed as my mother led me down the block to a nearby florist. Thank God she hadn’t set up four different dress shops in one day like Mattie had.
We entered to the jingle of the tiny bell above the door, and immediately a lady peeked out from a back room.
“Oh hi!” she said, waving an arm in our direction. The other arm appeared to be holding about two hundred roses. “I’ll be right with ya.”
My mother seemed to tense, though I liked the woman right away. There was something down-home about her, she reminded me a bit of some of the ladies back in the town where I stayed outside of London while I was ghostwriting.
We started looking around the shop while we waited. The flowers were amazing. Any elegance the woman may have lacked in person, she more than made up for in her designs. I was drawn to a table centerpiece, standing tall, above my head, even though it sat on a regular height table. It was a high candelabra, tightly packed with romantic, varying roses of cream, white, and light pinks. Pearls and crystals weaved throughout the design, with a few crystals dripping down for added sparkle.
The whole thing was like nothing I’d ever seen before.
“This is amazing,” I whispered to my mother, already picturing dozens of them on round tables in a lavishly decorated grand hall.
“Very nice,” she said, “I guess Lacie didn’t steer me wrong after all.
I suppressed an eye roll, knowing my mother had hoped the recommendation from her friend Lacie Becker would be a dud. There was nothing those two liked more than to show each other up.
“Oh yes,” mother said, moving across the room. “These are the ones Lacie’s daughter had at her wedding.” She let out a little smirk as she said it.
The flowers in question were beautiful; small gatherings of orchids in clear, square vases, but they had nowhere near the flair that the grand centerpieces had, and I almost felt sorry for Lacie Becker for a moment. Of course, when I remembered back to the time when her daughter Giselle had shoved me into the pool at my first boy/girl party, a matching smirk on my face may have entered the room.
I turned back to the roses, unable to tear my eyes away for more than a few moments.
“It’s a pretty one, isn’t she?” the lady said, coming up from the back to help us.
I nodded. Pretty didn’t even begin to describe it. “It’s gorgeous.”
“You’re getting married?” she asked, a sparkle in her eye that you just don’t see very often.
I suppose working around flowers all day, some of the most gorgeous flowers in the world, tended to keep a person in good spirits.
The smell was absolutely magnificent too. The only other place that might beat it would be a bakery.
I briefly wondered if Mom had any cake tasting on the menu for today, as my stomach growled just thinking about it.
Mom pulled out the monstrosity of a book from the huge bag where she’d produced my shoes back at the dress shop, and flipped it open to a tab marked flowers and wrote the name of the shop down. She pulled her iPhone from her pocket and began clicking a few pictures, mostly of the same centerpiece I couldn’t stop staring at.
“I can tell this one’s your favorite,” the flower lady said and I smiled.
“Yup, it’s a pretty popular one to look at here in the store, but it can be a bit pricey. Most folks can’t really afford too many of them.”
“Price is not an issue,” my mother said, looking down her nose and sniffing.
“Excellent,” the lady said, not missing a beat, “because they are $999 a piece.”
I nearly choked on my own spit.
A thousand bucks for a centerpiece?
I breathed through my nose as slowly and evenly as possible, waiting for my mother’s head to explode.
But it never did.
She simply said fine, and wrote the details down in her fancy little book. “What else have you got? What about bouquets?”
The woman pulled out a few photo albums for us to browse through. It was pretty relaxing, with very little pressure from Mom, since it was so early in the game and no final decisions had to be made yet. I just sipped the tea the lady gave us and enjoyed the flowers in the photos before me.
The afternoon lazed away, my shoulders more and more relaxed, and my mother even being completely bearable for once.
“Shoot, I have to get going,” I said, checking the clock on my phone.
“I guess it is getting kind of late,” she said, checking her watch.
“Yeah, but I’m supposed to meet Jake and I’ve got to change and get ready.”
Alarm crossed my mother’s face. “Well for Pete’s sake, get going! You do not just leave a man like that waiting. My God, Josie. Are you trying to kill me? You cannot go looking like that.”
I tilted my head and gave her my best ‘oh thanks so much’ look. I mean, I did want to change and fix myself up a little since Jake was taking me to a nice place, but it’s not like I looked like I just came off a trail hike or anything.
“What?” Mom asked, completely oblivious to her insults anymore. She shook her head as if trying to clear it of my silliness. “I think I’ve got what I need to move forward with some of the other plans now, now that I know exactly where your tastes are leading. And by the way,” she said, leaning in with her hand on her hip, “I have to say, I’m a little shocked that your taste is so good. I actually thought finding anything nice with you would be like pulling teeth, but it’s actually been a wonderful and insightful day.” She beamed, as if she had just paid me the highest compliment and I was supposed to fall down in gratitude.
“Oh thank you,” I said, with little emotion and sighed. “Yeah, it’s been a real treat.”
I mean, it had actually been a nice day, but Mother had a way of belittling even the most positive of days. So much so that I nearly said something about me not needing her to plan my wedding after all, but then she went and picked up her darn planning book and smoothed her hand over the cover lovingly, almost like she was stroking a baby’s cheek.
Nice to know she had a little love in her. I mean, even if it was only for a stupid book.
But as I watched her set it gently into her bag, a thought occurred to me that terrified me to my very core.
I think I wanted my mother to plan my wedding.
~ ~ ~
“Oh God, I don’t know what to do,” I said to Jake as we were seated in a quiet corner of the restaurant.
The lights were dimmed and the music was soothing, but my relaxation from earlier in the day had totally disappeared. I swear, my shoulder muscles were so tight it was like they were tucked up under my ears.
Jake seemed a little out of sorts too, all fidgety and stressed over something.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
/> He nodded. “Yeah. Well, sort of. I know we just got back, but it looks like I’m going to have to leave again for a few days.”
My shoulders would have slumped if they weren’t wound so tight. “Already?” I said, hating the way I sounded so needy.
“I’m sorry, I know you want to figure out the stuff with the wedding and everything, and I tried to get out of it, really I did. My agent even said I didn’t have to go, then at the last minute the producers found some clause in my contract or something.”
I sighed. “I just hate that we barely got any time together in Bali…”
“We did though, we had those first days, and lots of evening time.”
Oh yeah, sure, lots, I thought, but didn’t say anything.
“And I’ll only be gone for a couple days, I promise.”
I nodded. “It’s just…” I looked up from my plate. “Are we ever going to pick a date?”
I hadn’t realized how worried about the date thing I’d been. I mean, we were engaged and all, but somehow it just didn’t feel… real without knowing exactly when it was going to happen. I looked back down.
“Of course we will. I’ll get a copy of my schedule for the next while and we’ll sit down and discuss it as soon as I get back, okay?” he asked, tilting my chin up to look into my eyes, and in that moment I knew I had nothing to worry about. When we were together, nothing seemed to be able to come between us. It’s just… I couldn’t help but wish those times were a little more frequent.
I sipped my wine and enjoyed my sun-dried tomato and feta stuffed chicken and basically just enjoyed the two of us being there together, savoring every mouthful and every moment.
And maybe because the moment seemed so perfect, and we were so in sync, Jake suddenly raised his head and smiled. “I just had a great idea.”
“What?” I asked, sipping again.
“We should move in together.”
Not a good time to have a mouthful of wine. I fought, trying my best not to spray it all over Jake, yet also trying not to choke to death. Focusing all my energy, I somehow swallowed, coughing—thankfully—only after it had gone down.
“Sorry,” Jake chuckled, “didn’t mean to startle you like that.”
“No, it’s okay,” I somehow forced out, holding my napkin in front of me, imagining what my face must look like; all red and veins popping out all over the place. I couldn’t help but wonder how far my eyes were bugging out too.
Jake sat patiently while I unsuccessfully—at least for a few minutes—tried to compose myself. “Are you sure you’re okay,” he asked, actually starting to look a little worried.
I let out one last cough, clearing the tiny bit of remaining liquid from my windpipe and nodded. “Yeah, I think I’m good.”
“I didn’t think it would be that much of a surprise,” he said. “I mean, I hadn’t really even thought about it until just now, but this is so nice, just the two of us, doing nothing but spending time together.”
My heart melted on the spot. “It’s not that, just bad timing that’s all. I guess I didn’t expect it before the wedding.”
He shrugged. “Why wait?”
I nodded, not totally sure if I was ready. I mean, things were amazing with Jake, but what about my life? What about Jen? And with the wedding to plan, it wouldn’t really be all that convenient to be so far away from Mattie, although I would be slightly closer to my mother. Of course, we’d end up having to go downtown to all the shops to plan the wedding anyway, so it would still be less convenient.
God, Mattie and Mom? Move in or not? Why in the hell could I not make a decision anymore? Oh wait… I never was any good at decisions in the first place.
“It sounds great, it’s just… I don’t know.”
Jake’s face fell slightly, like he certainly hadn’t expected me to say that. And I could certainly see why he would be a little shocked. I mean, moving from my crappy, small apartment with a roommate into a gorgeous place worth probably two million would be a no-brainer for about ninety-eight percent of the population, I’m sure, and it would definitely be nice, no doubt about it, but I felt like I had an obligation to Jen too. Especially with the baby on the way.
“Are you worried about Jen?”
I shrugged. “Of course.”
“Jen’s a big girl, Josie. She can take care of herself. Besides, David will make sure everything’s taken care of.”
I had to smirk at the thought of that one. Sure, Jen had no trouble telling me I could easily just go to Jake for money if I needed it, but to suggest that she lean on David financially, or even hinting that she couldn’t take care of herself… not a good idea. I could practically see her head spinning around already.
“Well think about it,” Jake said, his tone lighter. “We can talk about that when I get back too.”
“Sure,” I said, smiling, though I had to admit, I didn’t enjoy the last half of my meal nearly as much as the first.
~ ~ ~
“Like right away?” Jen said, shocked.
I’d just told her Jake’s suggestion.
“It’s crazy, I know.”
I probably shouldn’t have said anything, but along with Mattie, Jen was one of my closest friends. And right then I needed a friend to help me out.
She paced the room twice, then sat down. “It’s obviously not crazy,” she started. “You are getting married to the guy after all. It’s just…” She struggled to find the right words. “What about Bali?”
I knit my brows together. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you said it was nice and all, but… what about how much he was gone. How bored and lonely you were most of the time.”
“I wasn’t bored,” I said, more defensive than I should have been. “I…” I sighed. “I mean, I guess I was a little bored, but just look at what I discovered. What about my cooking and stuff?”
She tilted her head to the side, giving me a look. “Yes, what about your cooking? The great discovery that you enjoy cooking. Tell me… how much cooking have you done since you got home?”
Oh God, she was right. I had barely even stepped foot in the kitchen, and when I did, it was to microwave a frozen dinner.
“Look, I think it’s cool you liked cooking while you were there, and it’ll be awesome for you to do that when you get the urge, but is it really something you can see yourself doing all the time? You know, like, just to keep yourself busy or whatever?”
“I guess… but Bali was an exception. Jake was on location.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Jen said. “But what about when he goes on location next time?”
“I’m sure I’ll find something to do.”
She stood, and it wasn’t until later that I realized she probably did it for effect. “If he asks you to go with him…” she trailed off as she left the room.
If? I thought. Why wouldn’t he want me to go with him? I sat for a while, thinking about what she said until she burst back into the room.
“Look, I’m sorry,” she said, “I don’t want to scare you or anything, but I’ve been thinking about this stuff a lot, what with David being gone all the time too, and realizing I’m essentially going to have to raise this baby on my own.”
“David will help,” I said.
“Sure,” she cut me off. “When he’s around. But with his schedule, I can’t really imagine how often that’s going to be.” She sounded bitter, even for her. “And Jakes in even more demand than David is. Especially right now.”
I stared at her, no words coming.
“Seriously Jose, you need to think about this.” She paused for effect. “Are you really sure you know what you’re getting into?”
I opened my mouth to say something, but still nothing came out.
“Because no matter how much you love someone, it doesn’t mean much unless they’re around.”
She headed out of the room again, her words lingering behind her.
She’s just feeling bad about her own situation, I told myself. It’s
completely different than mine.
It was just too bad I couldn’t bring myself to believe it entirely.
CHAPTER 10
I decided to put it off.
I know, what else was new? But for once, I didn’t put off the decision. I put off the bigger thing. The much bigger thing.
“Hey,” I said, after Jake answered. “How’s the publicity junket?”
“Eh…” he said. “Same old. You’ve done one, you’ve done them all. All these interviewers think they’re so funny.”
I chuckled. I’d seen so many of those interviews back when I was an entertainment show junkie, that I knew exactly what he meant.
“So what’s up?” he asked, sounding like he was kind of in a hurry.
Which was the exact opposite of ideal, considering the news I had for him.
I took a deep, shaky breath, praying I wasn’t about to screw up the best thing that has ever happened to me. “Um… you know that thing we were talking about? You know, about us moving in together?”
“Of course.”
“Well…” I paused, still having no idea what, exactly, to say. “… it’s just that…” I sighed. “I just don’t know if it’s the right time right now.”
Silence filled the other end of the line.
“Jake? Are you still there? You’re making me nervous.”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“So… what are you thinking?”
“Yeah, fine. Whatever you want Josie.” There was a bunch of laughing and yelling in the background, like a traveling party had just passed behind him. “Look, it’s kind of crazy here right now. I have to go. See you when I get back.”
“Yeah, okay. Look I’m really sorry, it’s just that…”
But I didn’t have a chance to finish my sentence; not that I even knew how I would finish it. The line had gone dead.
Jake had already hung up.
Gee, good thing I wasn’t worried about screwing my whole life up or anything.
~ ~ ~
