by Rachel Astor
I really, really wasn’t up for wedding shopping the next day. I mean, I couldn’t even break the news to Mattie that he may, or may not actually be the wedding planner, let alone tell him there might not even be a wedding.
I mean, Jake had certainly never said anything about canceling, or breaking up, or anything, and he probably just needed a little time to blow off a little steam. Plus, he knew we would definitely still be moving in together at some point—just not this exact moment—but still, an annoying little voice kept niggling in the back of my head whispering, you’ve lost him, you’ve screwed it all up as usual… you’ve lost him, you’ve screwed it all up as usual….
Mattie had absolutely insisted we go check out bridesmaid dresses though.
And let me tell you, it was one thing to go along with wedding plans all by myself, but it was certainly another toting a wild-hormone pregnant lady along with you. Especially one who’s in on a big secret and not very good at keeping things to herself. Even more so, one who thinks you should have told said secret a long time ago and is definitely not invested in playing along.
Mattie had insisted we bring Jen along though, you know, considering she’d be the one who’d be very pregnant and had the most to gain or lose with the style of dress we chose.
“By the way,” Mattie said, as we walked into the first dress store. “Have you guys set a date yet? Because it is going to make a world of difference depending on how huge Jen is at the time.”
“Oh, thank you so much for using the word ‘huge’ Mattie,” Jen said. “Seriously, you couldn’t have said ‘depending on how far along’ or ‘how glowing’ I’ll be?”
“Oh please… you’re going to be the size of a house, no two ways about it,” Mattie said jokingly.
Jen smacked him in the arm. And not all that lightly either.
“No, we haven’t set a date yet,” I said. “We’re supposed to talk about it when he gets back.”
“Oh, so you’ve set a date to discuss the date,” he said, sarcastic. “What a relief.” He and Jen burst into giggles.
“Glad I can amuse you two,” I said, walking deep into the store and leaving them to their hysterics.
“May I help you with anything?” a clerk asked.
“Uh, sure,” I said. “We have an appointment to look at dresses. We’re the ones who need something that’s going to be suitable for a maid of honor who might be quite pregnant.”
The lady nodded knowingly. “Luckily, many of our designers have begun to cater to that exact situation. People around your age so often who have friends who are starting families.”
“Great,” I said. “Lead the way.”
She nodded and smiled. “Shouldn’t we wait for your friends?”
I looked back. Jen and Mattie were just starting to compose themselves, Jen leaning on Mattie to help her up from doubling over and Mattie wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. God. I mean, it wasn’t even that funny. Apparently they’d been holding a lot of stuff in for a while.
“No,” I said. “They can find us.”
The woman nodded once and we were on our way, deeper into the store.
“So what type of wedding are you having?”
Such a simple question. But of course, I had no answer.
“Modern quirky,” Mattie’s voice came from behind.
Well, at least someone had the answers. I was beginning to feel as though I no longer had control over my own life. I smiled awkwardly at the saleslady while Mattie took over.
“Now, it’s really going to depend on what wedding dress we choose,” he said, “but I thought seeing what’s out there for bridesmaids could help us narrow it down a little,” Mattie said.
“Of course,” the lady said, even though I felt like I should be answering him. Not that he was paying the least bit of attention to me.
He grabbed a few dresses off racks and held them up to Jen, mostly looking at her middle, no doubt wondering how on earth he was going to fit a pregnant lady into the festivities, let alone into a dress that needed to live up to his standards.
The saleslady got to work heading out, then coming back with her arms full of dresses.
“Ooh, I’m liking the chocolate brown,” Mattie said, pulling from the middle of the pile. Only Mattie could find a needle in a haystack like that, of course pulling out the best one of the bunch.
“Great eye,” the saleslady said from behind her tower of fabric. At least I think that’s what she said.
“Oh my God, Josie,” Mattie said, overdramatic as usual. “Wouldn’t this just be perfect with that feather dress you had on?”
He was right of course, but he certainly didn’t need me to tell him that.
I nodded anyway.
“Great! Follow me,” the woman said, hanging her pile on an empty rack that must have been there for exactly that reason. When she was done, she looked at us expectantly.
I glanced at Jen. She stared back. “This one’s all you,” I said, motioning for her to go with the woman.
Jen made a face that said she was decidedly not happy to participate in my games, but she followed along anyway.
“What was that for?” Mattie said, coming to sit beside me.
I was surprised he didn’t want to flip through the rack of dresses instead of spending time chatting.
I shrugged. “I dunno. Hormones, I guess.” I was surprised how easily the answer came.
He nodded, conceding it was probably true.
“Sorry for the little outburst back there,” he said. “It’s just been so stressful, you know, not knowing the date or anything. And you’re really not helping at all.”
My mouth dropped open. “Stressful?” I said. “How could this possibly be stressful for you? All you’re doing is a little shopping.”
He leaned back as if I’d slapped him in the face. “Shopping? Oh no. No, no, no. You did not just say that. Do you have any idea what it’s like to plan something for your best friend? I mean, it doesn’t just have to be nice; it has to be perfect. And my God, how long does it take to set a date? Maybe if you had a date, we could at least make some of these decisions.”
“Whatever, it seems like you’ve already chosen everything for me.” I honestly hadn’t intended for it to come out as sarcastic as it did.
For once Mattie didn’t even say anything, but the hurt on his face spoke volumes.
I sighed, folding into myself. “I’m sorry Mattie, I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just… it feels like my life has gotten so out of control, and I didn’t mean to say that as mean as it sounded.”
“Maybe I should just step back and let you take care of all this yourself,” he said, pouting a little.
This was it. It was my easy out. Just say yeah, maybe you’d rather just be a guest at the wedding instead of the planner. He’d step back and I probably wouldn’t hear another word about it. But I couldn’t do that to him.
“No, don’t,” I said, both knowing it was the exact right, and the exact wrong thing to do. “Of course I don’t want that. I just…”
“Is everything okay with Jake?”
I sighed again, suddenly tired. “Yeah. No.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know.”
Mattie didn’t pry, or ask any questions, just sat, giving me time to figure it all out.
“We had this fight. Well… it wasn’t even really a fight, I guess,” I said, fumbling with my hands. Then I looked up into Mattie’s eyes. “He asked me to move in with him.”
“Well duh, you’re getting married.”
I nodded. “I know, but he wants me to move in right away.”
“Okay…”
“And I just don’t know if it’s the right time. I mean, do I really want to be all the way out at his place when there’s all this planning to do? And what about Jen?” I asked.
“Ooh, good point. How would we finish planning with you all the way out there? You’d have to drive all the way in practically every day.”
“And then there’s Jen
…”
“What about me?” Jen said, walking in wearing the chocolate feathery dress.
Which was gorgeous, and absolutely stunning on her.
“Uh… I was just telling Mattie about Jake asking me to move in.”
“You’re not actually considering me as a reason not to, are you? Because you don’t need to worry about me. No one needs to worry about me. I can take care of myself just fine,” she said, staring.
“No, of course not,” I said quickly, slightly scared of her raging hormones. “You know I don’t want to be so far away from everything, and I just meant that I want to live with you still.”
“Oh,” she said, looking a little sheepish. She cleared her throat. “So, what do you think?” She turned toward the mirror and in doing so, Mattie and I got a side view of her. Which was a little startling, to say the least.
Jen had apparently grown a full-sized baby in the time she was back in the change room.
I checked my watch without thinking to see how much time had passed, then blushed at my own ridiculousness.
Obviously several months had not passed.
But Mattie was already on the case. “Um… it would appear that you have… um, grown,” he said.
Jen snorted. “Yeah, they have all kinds of little add-ons back there. I chose the biggest one since by the time you guys ever decide on a date I could practically be this size.” She turned, giving herself her own side view.
Then froze.
It was almost as if all the air was sucked out of the room, the look on her face instantly changing. Fear creeping in.
“Holy fuck,” she whispered.
“What?” Mattie looked at me for explanation, but I had no clue.
“Jen? Are you okay?”
She stood there, her hands slightly shaking, resting over the fake belly.
I stood and took a tentative step toward her. “Jen?”
“I need to get out of this,” she said, reaching frantically for the zipper. “Help me get out of this!” She was getting more panicky by the second.
I flew to her, unlatching the hook and undoing the zipper as quickly as possible, which was no easy task considering she was flailing at my hands, trying to get at it herself.
She had the dress half off with Mattie and who knows who else right there watching as she went.
I stared, dumbfounded at the back of her as she fled, then I turned to look at Mattie who was wearing an expression that likely matched mine. “What the hell was that?” he asked.
I just shook my head, the words not coming. My God, no matter what my problems looked like, I guess there was at least one person who had even more stress than I did. Cripes, I hadn’t even thought about it. I mean, Jen had a whole other person to take care of. Or would soon, anyway. What did I think I was so worried about?
We let some time pass, giving Jen a chance to change back into her own clothes, and hopefully back into some semblance of her own self, before we snuck back to the change rooms, tiptoeing and whispering for some reason. I guess we thought any sudden movements, and we might startle her into even more crazy.
“Jen?” I said, tentatively. “Are you okay?”
She cleared her throat. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”
But it was pretty obvious that everything was not, in fact, fine. She was obviously crying and Mattie immediately made a quick exit back out.
“Jen, it’s just me out here. Tell me what’s going on.” There was a moment of nothing but sniffling. “Please?”
The door to her change room slowly started to open.
Needless to say, Jen was not looking like her usual, put together self, still holding the fake belly, which kind of just looked like an odd shaped pillow with a white case, now that she was holding it in her hands. She flopped it onto a nearby bench.
“Sorry about that,” she said, straightening up a little, dabbing with her finger at the corner of her eye to get one last tear.
“What was that?” I couldn’t help but ask. “Something’s obviously up.”
She shrugged. “I guess it just… never totally sunk in before. I’m going to be a Mom.”
I crinkled my brow. “Well… yeah.”
Jen chuckled humorlessly. “I mean, I pictured myself with a baby and everything, you know, playing with it and dressing it up and stuff, but when I saw myself in the mirror with that… thing,” she motioned to the baby lump sitting on the bench, “I guess it all just… got a little too real. I have to get stuff ready. I have to figure out how I’m going to do my job. Like, don’t babies keep their parents awake half the night and stuff? How am I supposed to deal with that?”
“I… don’t really know,” I said, truthfully. “But people raise kids everyday, I’m sure it will be fine.” The argument was weak at best.
“Yeah, but not people like me. I never even got the chance to decide if I even wanted kids or not. Now I’m stuck… and it’s not like the father is someone I can see myself with for the rest of my life.”
“I thought David was being really supportive and everything.”
“Yeah sure, for now. But it’s not like we’re married or anything. He can just go gallivanting off whenever he wants. There’s nothing tying him to me. Or even the baby, for that matter. Other than financially.”
I nodded. Suddenly I was beginning to understand. I knew a ton of girls who were raising kids mostly on their own. Some of them had even been married, but when the split happened, it was just that. A split. The dad went one way and the mom went the other, usually with the kids in tow. Of course Dad would see the kids, but it certainly wasn’t the same as having a second person there all the time.
“I’m sure he’ll help out a lot,” I said, wishing I believed it was true.
I wondered briefly if men thought differently than women when it came to kids. Sure, they probably had great intentions of sticking around and being the father every kid wanted, but there was that huge ‘what if’. What if the relationship ended? Lots of men might just assume the kids would go with their mother. I couldn’t help but wonder if, when given the option of having kids or not, a father would be as on board if someone posed the question: how would you manage if the mother of the child became ill, or even passed away?
I’d bet the accidental baby population would shrink down a notch or two.
I’d never really taken the time to think about it all that way and it made me a little sad. Okay, more than a little sad. Totally mortified really. Especially for Jen.
“Maybe,” was all Jen said in reply to my attempt at helping.
I sighed, rubbing the space just above my nose, which seemed to never get rid of all its tension anymore. “Look, I totally understand what you’re saying. In the end, this is your responsibility. But you know what? You’re one of the strongest women I know. Plus you’ve got me to help.”
“You’re leaving too,” she reminded me.
I felt like she’d just kicked me in the gut. Worse, I couldn’t even argue with her. My forehead tightened even more.
“I’m not leaving, leaving. Just going to another house.”
She sighed. “I know, it’s just… I think I just realized out there that I don’t really have that option. No matter what happens.”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “I get it. So… what are you going to do?”
She shrugged. “Nothing’s changed, I just, kind of freaked myself out I guess,” she said, her mood lightening. “Maybe I just needed a good cry. Get some of the fear out or something.”
I smiled, relieved she wasn’t considering anything drastic. “Look, I promise, we’ll figure this out together.”
“Yeah,” she said, punching me lightly on the arm. “‘Cause you’re so good at figuring things out,” she said, giving me a sideways glance, letting me know she was kidding.
Except that, of course, I was the absolute worst at everything regarding any sort of important life event. I chuckled anyway, ‘cause really, what else could a person do?
�
��Don’t forget about daycare you know. It’s not like you won’t be able to afford it what with David’s help and your own career.”
“That’s the thing though, daycare. It’s just during the day. That’s not even what I’m most worried about… it’s the nights that scare me.”
“I’ve got three words for you,” I said, giving her a sideways glance. “Live-in nanny.”
“Hmm,” she said, a huge smile appearing on her face. “Maybe you are good for something after all McMaster,” she said, shoving me with her shoulder.
I rolled my eyes. “Maybe.”
CHAPTER 11
A few days later the buzzer sounded in the apartment.
I pressed the button. “Hello?” I hoped it was not a new paparazzo thinking he’d somehow get an intercom interview or something. Hopefully Andrea would keep the newbies at bay.
“Hey,” Jake’s voice said.
I buzzed him in and waited by the door.
“Why didn’t you just come in?” I asked. I’d given him a key ages ago.
“I just… didn’t know where we stood,” he said, shrugging.
I hated to think it, but my first thought was: great, now the fact that Jake’s using the buzzer instead of the previously much written about key, is going to be all over the papers.
I closed the door behind him and waited for something. He’d always given me a hug or kiss or something… anything. But all I got was stared at.
“Nothing’s changed Jake. I just need a little time. God, you know me, I just need planning, lots of planning.”
His face visibly relaxed. “Oh thank God,” he said. “I couldn’t really hear you that well on the phone the other day and it sounded like… like you were thinking of ending things.”
“What? Are you crazy? How could you think that? Just because I’m a little gun shy with moving and, you know, hugely life changing decisions in a split second, does not mean I don’t still love you more than I’ve loved anything in my life.
Finally, he moved in for the hug. And boy was it a hug. Almost like a desperate squeeze. “I love you so much too,” he said, pulling back to look at me. “Let’s set a date. Right now. Let’s set a date. I’m tired of waiting.”
