Bear, Otter, & the Kid 01 - Bear, Otter, & the Kid (MM)

by TJ Klune

  SOMETIME later, I thought I had a dream. I dreamt that Otter had picked me up from the couch, carrying me in his arms. He took me to my bedroom and put me in my bed, pulling the comforter up to my chin. He sat on the bed beside me and rubbed my hair and caressed my cheek. I tried to talk to him, but my mouth felt full of cotton, and I couldn’t speak. I felt the bed shift as he stood, and he leaned over me and kissed me on the forehead. Before he pulled away, his lips came near my ear, and he said, “I’m sorry. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me one day.” I wanted to tell him it was okay even though I didn’t know what he was talking about. But he was already gone.

  “BEAR, get up!” the Kid said into my ear.

  I groaned and squinted my eyes open, hissing at the light as it stabbed its way into my head. I turned my head and saw Ty peering down at me from his perch next to my bed. As soon as I moved my head, jagged pain shot through it, causing my stomach to ripple.

  “Are you sick?” Ty asked me.

  “Yes,” I said hoarsely. “Why’d you wake me up? What time is it?”

  The Kid glanced over at the clock on the nightstand that separated our beds. “It’s still in the morning. I was watching TV, and your phone rang, and it said Creed, so I answered it. He sounds mad and said he wanted to talk to you.” I then noticed he was holding my cell phone in one of his hands, and I remembered what had happened the night before. My breath caught in my throat, and I almost told Ty to hang up the phone and then throw it on the ground and step on it. Then I would pack a bag for him and me, and we would get in my car and drive to Canada, where no one would know that I had kissed a guy the night before. Did Otter tell him? I panicked. Did Otter tell Creed I fucking kissed him? Ty held out the phone and put into my outstretched hand.

  “I’m going to go watch TV,” Ty said as he walked out of the room.

  I put the phone to my ear. “Hello?”

  “I’m going to fucking kill him!” Creed raged into my ear.

  “Kill who?” I asked, not wanting an answer.

  “Otter! I can’t believe he’d do this!”

  “What?”

  “He’s gone!”

  My heart skipped a beat. “Wait, what? What do you mean he’s gone?”

  Creed starting shouting into the phone: “I woke up this morning, and he was packing up his car with all his shit. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he had taken that job in San Diego after all. He said it was better this way! Can you believe this? I mean, how could he do this to Ty, man? He told Ty he was going to stay here, and now it’s just going to mess up the Kid even more! He’d said he had turned that fucking job down to stay here!”

  “He’s gone?” I repeated, my mind too numb to think of anything else.

  “As of an hour ago. I asked him what Ty was going to think? What you were going to think by him not saying anything to you guys, and he wouldn’t answer me.”

  “Oh.”

  “I know, right? I mean, what the hell! ‘Better this way’? What does that even mean? I want to know why he did this. He left that dinner last night, and something happened because when he came back home, he was acting really weird. He wouldn’t tell me where he was going, but he was wearing different clothes when he came back.”

  “He was?”

  “Yeah and, well, okay, I have to tell you something, and you have to promise this stays between us. This is some serious shit, Bear.”

  “I promise.”

  I heard Creed take a deep breath. “Otter’s gay. He came out to my mom and dad and me a few months ago. I didn’t tell you because I read on Wikipedia that the coming-out process is different for everyone, and they have to do it on their own. I don’t give a shit, but my parents were kind of weird about it, and there were some bad vibes around here for a while.”

  “Oh,” I said.

  Creed sounded exasperated. “Bear, did you hear what I just said? Otter’s gay.”

  “I heard you,” I said, sounding annoyed.

  “And all you have to say about it is ‘oh’? What the hell?”

  “What do you expect me to say?”

  “I don’t know. Whatever. I think that Otter was seeing someone and something happened last night, and they broke up or something. That’s why he came home all sad and retarded, and then he left. Has he said anything to you about some guy or something? When was the last time you talked to him?”

  “A couple of days ago, when he called to talk to Ty,” I lied and in my head I felt Otter’s lips upon mine again. “I’ve never heard him mention anyone before.”

  “Well, shit. But Ty! What the hell is this going to do to him?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, suddenly angrier than the situation should have warranted. And if I was being honest with myself, the anger I felt at my mother leaving didn’t even compare to Otter’s exit. He’d made a promise to Ty to stay here and help him. Otter had promised me. Did my kissing him really screw him up so bad that he had to leave? Did he really feel the need then to give the Kid another reason to not trust anyone ever again? You son of a bitch, I thought. You goddamn son of a bitch.

  “Dude, I’m coming over. I can’t deal with this shit here right now. My mom is crying and my dad is pissed off, and I really should be there when you tell him so he can hear it from me too.”

  “Okay,” I said through gritted teeth, and I closed the phone. My headache was even worse. My hands shook with anger.

  I got up and closed the bedroom door and got back into my bed.

  I’m sorry, he’d said in what I thought had been a dream. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me one day.

  Burying my face into the pillow so Ty wouldn’t see my face, I started to drown.

  WE TOLD Ty, and of course it broke his heart, and he didn’t understand why Otter had left. We told him it was nothing he had done, but Ty was past any kind of consolation by then. After that, Ty changed. He began to ask me for exact times when I would be back from work or wherever I went. If I was going to be late, I needed to call him and let him know. The bathroom thing started that I told you about earlier, where I would be expected to stand in the same spot that I was in when he went in. In short, he stopped trusting everyone.

  We had good days, and we had bad days, and there were also days when it felt like we lived above a fault line because everything would seem to shake apart at the seams. That bathtub saw a lot of use between Ty and myself, just sitting in there, trying to calm ourselves down. One night, after a particularly bad day, I got stuck behind an accident on my way home from work. That’s also when my cell phone battery just happened to run out. You know, the basic perfect storm. Needless to say, I got home twenty minutes late. The Kid was already in full freak-out mode by that point, and it took me five hours to finally get him calm enough to take a breath. I put the phone charger in my car the next day and have never taken it out.

  During the next year and a half, Creed would give me updates as he would talk to Otter every now and then. I never asked for them, but I was told anyway. Apparently he was doing really well with the new studio he was working in and becoming quite renowned for his photography. I felt bitter for a while, and then I just stopped feeling anything. Otter tried calling me a few times, but I didn’t pick up the phone, and he didn’t leave any messages. Ty would talk to him every now and then when he was with Creed or Anna. I never asked him what they talked about, and he never told me.

  I never told anyone about the loneliness that seemed to be clawing at my insides. I thought it weird, at least at first, that I would even have any time to feel lonely. But there were nights, long after Tyson had fallen asleep, when there was nothing to do until it again became light outside, that I wrestled with this gaping hole that had been torn open inside of me. I knew I couldn’t fully blame Otter for this; after all, my mom was the one who started it all. But I couldn’t help but lump them in the same category: People I Depended On Who Fucked Me Over. I figured the sooner I put them behind me, the easier it would be.

  It almost wor
ked.

  I didn’t see Otter again for eighteen months. I thought I was okay with it. But when he showed up out of the blue, the wound reopened and started bleeding anew, and it was like everything was crashing down all over again.

  The Kid and I went to the Thompsons for Christmas Day like we had done the year before. We were all sitting in the living room, watching as Ty opened the mounds of presents that Creed’s parents had given him. We were all laughing as the Kid’s smile got wider and wider with each present. I was thirsty and offered to get everyone something to drink. Mrs. Thompson offered to help, but I shook my head and said I would take care of it.

  I was in the kitchen when the door opened and in he strode, his hair slightly longer, his frame slightly thinner, but still grinning that crooked smile. He looked around the kitchen, and then his eyes fell on me, and he dropped the bag he was carrying, and without a word he moved quickly across the distance between us and pulled me into his arms. It all happened so quickly that I was sure I had hallucinated the whole thing until I realized that he still smelled like Otter. I put my arms up to hug him back but remembered the last time I had held him so: his mouth had been pressed against mine, my body made of live wires.

  I pulled away and walked out into the living room, but not before I saw the hurt in his eyes.

  He stayed for a week. I let Ty see him but always made it so Anna or Creed picked the Kid up from our house and took him over. I never saw him the rest of the time he was there. I didn’t trust myself around him. He never made any attempts to get in touch with me that I know of while he was there, save one. Ty had come home on New Year’s Day after I got out of work, desperately needing the time and a half for working the holiday. The Kid had spent the day with Creed and Otter over at their house. Ty said that Otter had dropped him off and then left, going back to San Diego. My heart and head felt heavy, but there was nothing I could have done about it. I wanted to talk to Anna, to hear another voice, and realized I’d left my phone in the car. I told Ty I would be right back, after reassuring him it would only take a minute.

  I walked toward my car, thinking about how good it felt that Otter was gone again, a weight lifted from my shoulders. It took convincing, but I was almost able to believe it. I got closer to my car and saw a piece of paper stuck under a windshield wiper. Thinking it was a flyer for a restaurant, I picked it up and was about to crumple it in my hands when I saw familiar handwriting:

  I know you were hurt and have every reason to be angry, but just know that there hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about you and Ty. Maybe that’s my punishment, knowing you are doing well and knowing I had nothing to do with it. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you, for having done so great despite people breaking their promises to you.

  It was good to see you, even if it was only for a moment. I am glad I got at least that. I’ve missed you, Papa Bear.

  It wasn’t signed, but it didn’t need to be. I folded it gently and put it in my wallet.

  “WHY are you here?” I moan. “Why did you come back?”

  He grabs me by the chin, forcing me to stare into his eyes. “It has nothing to do with what happened between us. As far as I am concerned, that was a mistake. We never should have kissed.”

  I attempt to squirm away, but it’s halfhearted. I try not to look at him, but he still holds me by the chin. There are still gold flecks in his green eyes.

  “Is that why you left?” I say, trying to smooth out my voice. “Because of… that?”

  He shakes his head. “It wasn’t just that, Bear.” He lets go of me and takes a step back. “There were a lot of things that were going on, and I didn’t know what else to do.” He looks at me, his eyes pleading. “You have to believe me when I say that if I could go back and do things differently, I would.”

  “Three years,” I retort.

  His jaw tightens. “I know. You don’t have to remind me. It’s just that,” he starts but then stops, appearing to think over what to say next. “I know this is going to sound stupid, but I thought that I was influencing you somehow, and I didn’t think that it was fair. I didn’t think you needed that on top of everything else. I’m not trying to make excuses, just trying to make you understand.”

  “What do you mean, influencing me?”

  He grimaces. “Bear, I was just coming out myself. My parents weren’t taking it well and then the whole thing with your mom…. You needed people who were going to be able to be strong for you. I thought I could do that. But then that night happened, and I realized just how really weak I was. You were drunk and hurting and needing a friend, and then we kissed, and I realized I couldn’t be the stronger one. I thought that I was somehow pushing myself onto you, and that it was… I don’t know, Bear. I thought putting distance between us was the best thing to do at the time.” He looks miserable. “Is any of this making sense?” he asks me.

  “I’m not gay, Otter. I don’t care if you are, but I’m not.”

  He hangs his head. “I know, Bear. I’m okay with that.”

  “How long are you staying for?”

  He won’t look at me. “I don’t know,” he says. “For now.”

  “Why’d you come back?”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk about that now. Maybe later, okay?”

  “Is there even going to be a later, Otter? Or are you just going to sneak away again with your tail between your legs?” It’s a cheap shot and I know it, but I’m still angry and can’t help myself. I want the words to burn.

  He winces. “I’ll be sure to tell you.”

  “You do that.” I pause, considering. “And just so you know, this doesn’t forgive anything. You’ve got a lot of ground to make up. With Ty, I mean.”

  “I know,” he says, finally looking me in the eye.

  I walk past him back to the Jeep. The ice cream isn’t as melted as I thought it would be, and I look at my watch and see that we only have a few minutes before Ty would start worrying. I turn to tell Otter to get his ass in gear, but he’s already getting into the car. I glance over at him and see the letter from my wallet is on his seat. I reach and snatch it back before he can sit on it. Knowing he’s watching me curiously, I fold it back up and put it back in its place in my wallet.

  “Bear?” he says, the tick-tick-tick of the rain beating in time on the roof.

  I stare out the window. Suddenly, I feel very tired. “What?”

  “Why’d you keep that?”

  “What?”

  “You know.”

  “The letter you wrote me?”

  “Yeah.”

  Because it was the only piece of you I had left, I think.

  “I don’t know,” I say out loud.

  Liar, it whispers.

  4.

  Where Bear

  Throws a Party

  WE DON’T speak the entire way back. As soon as we get back to the house, Otter says he’s tired and is going to bed. He gives Ty a hug and tells him he will see him very soon. He says good night to Creed, who is putting the Kid’s ice cream in a bowl for him. He doesn’t say anything to me. This does not go unnoticed by Creed. He hands Ty his food and sends him to go watch The Bovine Holocaust or whatever it’s called.

  “So I take it you let him have it,” he says, sounding amused.

  “What do you mean?” I ask wearily.

  “Well, let’s see. You were gone for almost an hour in what should have been a five-minute trip. You both looked like hell when you came back. And just now, Otter didn’t even look at you before he went upstairs.” He grins. “So come on, tell me. You chewed him out for being such a douche bag and moving to San Diego. Right? Please tell me you recorded it. I bet you were absolutely terrifying.”

  I laugh, despite trying not to. “Something like that.”

  “So, why’d he do it?”

  “Do what?”

  Creed looks at me like I’m retarded. “Why’d he leave? I’ve never believed him when he said it was because he coul
dn’t handle Mom and Dad anymore. He must have said something to you.”

  You needed people who were going to be able to be strong for you. I thought I could do that. But then that night happened, and I realized just how really weak I was. You were drunk and hurting and needing a friend, and then we kissed, and I realized I couldn’t be the stronger one. I thought that I was somehow pushing myself onto you, and that it was… I don’t know, Bear. I thought putting distance between us was the best thing to do at the time.

  “Well?” Creed asks, making a face at the taste of Ty’s soy ice cream.

  “No,” I lie. “He didn’t really say anything at all.”

  “A WHAT?” I say to Creed a few days later. He and Anna are sitting at the kitchen table in my apartment. We’re trying to put the finishing touches on the Kid’s surprise birthday party, which is two days away. I read at some parenting website that when you throw a party for kids, you are supposed to give out bags of crappy toys and Tootsie Rolls, so I enlisted their help to help me put it all together after we raided the dollar store near the beach. I don’t know why kids need more cheap plastic toys and candy, but who I am to argue with the Internet. “You’ve got to be joking!”

  “What?” Creed says, looking slightly offended. “I heard he’s really good with kids. Our next-door neighbors used him at a party they had.” He looks at Anna for help, but she’s looking as horrified as I feel.

  I groan. “We are not getting a fucking clown for Ty’s party. How could you even suggest that? Don’t you remember when we watched It when we were his age?

  He grins. “We stayed up until dawn in the sofa fort we built in Otter’s room. You were such a pussy!”

  Anna laughs. “From what I remember, the fort was your idea, and you could never see a clown again without screaming.”