Friends Wanting Benefits

by Young, Luke

  “Really?”

  “Yes, they record everything.”

  “Oh, shit.”

  “I’ll hide it in my luggage,” Victoria said. “There is no way they’ll be doing some cabin-to-cabin search for it. You hardly ever hear about crimes on cruise ships do you?”

  “Well, no.”

  “They have their share of problems, but I learned on 20/20 they always sweep everything under the rug. They don’t want any scandal or controversy.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, you could murder someone onboard and they wouldn’t care,” Victoria added.

  “No way.” Jillian shook her head.

  “Okay, I’m exaggerating, but something small like this will all blow over. You’ll see. Tomorrow it will all have been forgotten.”

  Jillian sighed. “But what about the security cameras?”

  “You had the hood over your head the whole time, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’ll be fine then.” Victoria flipped her hand dismissively. “I’ll bet the security tapes are being erased as we speak. A few years ago this guy disappeared off a ship on his honeymoon. They think he…” she made quote marks with her fingers, “… fell off his balcony. Supposedly the one camera that could have seen what was going on… that one camera… It malfunctioned. Now do you believe that?”

  “No.”

  “I think the wife pushed him off.” Victoria turned to Ethan. “I really do.”

  “Wow,” Ethan said.

  “I saw pictures of the guy and he had these weird nipples.” Victoria made a face.

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “He had these big weird nipples. Don’t get me wrong, he was sorta handsome, but he—”

  “Jesus, can we focus on the problem here instead of some guy’s weird nipples?” Jillian rolled her eyes.

  “Sorrrryyy…” Victoria shook her head from side to side, frowning. “I just thought hearing about his nipples might help take your mind off this.”

  “What?” Jillian looked at her like she was out of her mind.

  “I don’t know.” Victoria shrugged. “Anyway like I said, they don’t want any passengers to be upset. You won’t hear another word about this and they’ll probably offer the old man a bottle of champagne and fifty dollars off his next cruise. He’ll be so excited he’ll be pooping himself.” She giggled. “Just like George.”

  Jillian glared at her.

  “Sorry.”

  Ethan plopped down on a chair and narrowed his eyes. “I wonder why the hell they think you’re a guy?”

  “I was wearing that hood and it was dark and steamy in there.”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “Besides…” Jillian motioned to Victoria with a nod of her head, “… those other guys thought you were a guy too.”

  “What other guys?” Ethan asked.

  “Oh…” Victoria shrugged. “It turns out that one of those guys in the locker room while we were taking a shower saw me leaving the stall.”

  “Really?”

  “Maybe he heard you panting while I was, you know, taking care of you.” Victoria said proudly.

  “Me!” Ethan scoffed. “Maybe he heard you when I was, you know, doing that to you. You were pretty loud.”

  “No, I wasn’t. Remember when I did that thing to your balls and—”

  “Okay,” Jillian grumbled rolling her eyes. “Can we stop arguing over who makes more noise while doing whatever the hell you two were doing?”

  Victoria shot her a look. “You say that like we were doing something wrong.”

  “No, I just—”

  “Have you ever had someone lick you from behind in the shower?” Victoria gave her a snarky, yet suggestive look. “Have you?”

  “Well, no.”

  “Too bad, I highly recommend it.” Turning her attention to Ethan, Victoria smiled. “Maybe you were right— it was me making most of the noise. You were really doing a great job in there. Were you trying something new or…?”

  Ethan began, “I read this article in a magazine and—”

  “Okay…” standing, Jillian gave the two of them a tired look, “… I’m leaving.”

  “You wanna meet for drinks later?” Victoria asked.

  “Not really.” Jillian shook her head no and walked out the door.

  She headed toward the bank of elevators not only dying of embarrassment from almost getting caught in the locker room, but also feeling horrible because George had never once done that to her in the shower. In fact, she couldn’t remember a time they were actually in the shower together. Letting out a tired sigh, she pressed the button for the elevator.

  11

  The moment she opened the cabin door, the odor smacked her in the face like a wet towel and she gagged. “George…” she covered her mouth and coughed, “… are you in here?”

  “Yes, I’m in the bathroom,” he called back, “But don’t come in!”

  “Are you… Are you okay?” She held her breath and dry heaved then rushed to the sliding glass door and ripped it open. Stepping out into the fresh air, she took a much-needed deep breath.

  He called out, “Aren’t you sick too?”

  “What?”

  “We ate the same thing last night. Aren’t you sick too?”

  Hesitantly, she moved a little closer to the room while maintaining her position on the balcony and yelled back, “No, I feel okay.”

  The blasting, sucking roar of the cruise ship toilet filled the air and when it finally ended, he said loudly, “I’ll be right out.”

  She stepped out to the railing and gazed at the calm water as the ship cut through the ocean at high speed. Moments later George appeared next to her and took a deep breath. “Oh my God, that was awful.”

  “You poor thing. You want some Pepto or something?”

  “Already drank half the bottle.” He frowned. “Hey, sorry about our swim.”

  “That’s okay.” She shook her head and sighed. “Don’t worry about it.”

  His eyes widened. “Did you hear about that whole hooded man thing?”

  “Um, yeah, I heard a little about it,” she replied sheepishly.

  He scoffed. “I was in the locker room bathroom when it was all happening right outside the door.”

  “Really? Huh? That’s um—”

  “Yeah, I didn’t hear anything or see anyone. They interviewed me, but I really couldn’t tell them anything. Did you see the guy?”

  “Um-hmm.” She shook her head no.

  “Well, you’d better be careful going in the locker room alone.”

  “Yeah, I will.”

  “The security guy said a passenger saw the same man a couple days ago too. He said they had some really clear security footage and that they were definitely going to catch the bastard.”

  “Hmm.” Shrugging, Jillian put a white-knuckle grip on railing as sweat poured off her brow. “Yeah, I hope they…”

  George turned to her wearing a concerned expression. “Are you okay?”

  “What?”

  “You’re so pale and your face is all wet.”

  She ran her hand over her forehead and sighed. “Yeah, I, uh, suddenly I don’t feel so good.”

  “That’s exactly how it started with me. You’d better go lie down.”

  “All right.” Stepping slowly into the room, she smelled the lingering odor of George’s bathroom problems and dry heaved again. Flopping down on the mattress, she clutched a pillow to her face and struggled to breathe through it.

  12

  After a surprisingly good night’s sleep, Jillian woke refreshed and ready to put the events of the previous day behind her. George’s problems seemed to be behind him as well— no pun intended— and the couple headed out of their cabin for breakfast.

  Walking toward the dining room everything seemed normal aboard the luxury ship— just another day at sea as they glided toward their next beautiful port of call. As they waited in the short line to be seate
d she said, “Maybe we should take that swim today.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Led by a waiter, they followed four other couples toward a large table and took their seats. After receiving menus and exchanging the customary introductions all around, Jillian took a deep breath, comforted that no one recognized her as author Jaclyn West. She just wasn’t in the mood to discuss that whole thing.

  After placing their orders, small pockets of the group of ten began separate conversations. Jillian and George exchanged polite smiles with one another before he pulled out his iPhone. Jillian glanced all around the table and an elderly man sitting across from her looked familiar, but she just couldn’t place him. He wore a loud blue and red flowered Hawaiian shirt and huge tufts of his gray chest hair sprouted from his collar. As Jillian studied his face, he stared at her wearing an odd expression.

  “Don’t I know you?” the man asked.

  “I, uh…” Jillian narrowed her eyes, smiling. “You do look, um—”

  “Where are you from?”

  “Miami.”

  “We’re from Nashville.” He frowned turning to the old woman next to him. “Gladys where do we know her from?”

  The man’s wife looked Jillian over frowning then shook her head. “I really don’t know.”

  A woman at the end of the table said, “Did you hear about what happened yesterday in the fitness center? A man was attacked.”

  “Did I hear about it?” Gladys scoffed. “It happened to my Marty.”

  Stunned, Jillian’s jaw dropped open. “Oh my God.”

  “I know it’s horrible.” Gladys looked to Jillian. “You think you’re safe on one of these ships, but you really aren’t. Not at all.”

  “I couldn’t sleep last night,” Marty said.

  As everyone else at the table gazed at him in sympathetic disbelief, Jillian closed her eyes. I’m on a ship with over four thousand people and somehow I’m sitting across from the guy I molested in the steam room… What the hell are the odds?

  “I didn’t sleep at all either,” Gladys added.

  Marty raised his hands up in defeat. “And get this they gave us a bottle of champagne and fifty dollars off our next cruise.”

  “Huh…” Jillian nodded. Victoria called it exactly right.

  Marty frowned. “My son’s an attorney and they’re not getting off that easy.”

  Covering her face, the ship’s secret molester cringed. Well, maybe Victoria wasn’t exactly right.

  “Do they have any suspects?” A man at the table asked.

  “They’re not saying, but they had me working with a sketch artist yesterday and they said that they were going to put all their men on it.”

  “Have you seen their men?” A man said as he rolled his eyes.

  “Yeah, I’m not too hopeful.”

  “I was in the bathroom next to the locker room when all this happened, but I didn’t see anything. I really wish I could’ve helped.” George put his hand over his stomach. “Had a little touch of the stomach flu yesterday.”

  With her hand shaking slightly, Jillian lifted her cup of coffee to her lips and took a sip.

  “Don’t worry about it.” Marty shook his head. “I looked into the monsters eyes and I’ll never, ever forget them. He’d better stay in his hole because I’m certain that I could identify him instantly.”

  As Jillian placed her cup back down, she put it on the edge of the saucer, it tumbled over and spilled all over the table. “Oh, sorry. I’m so…” Reaching for her napkin, she knocked over her orange juice and it spilled in her lap. She jumped to her feet and all eyes went to her.

  George handed her his napkin. “Jillian, are you okay? You look pale.”

  “Suddenly, I, uh… I don’t feel so good.”

  “Maybe you should lie down.”

  “Yeah, maybe.” She stepped back from the table. “Please excuse me.”

  “Should I go with you, or…?” George asked, hesitantly.

  “No, you stay. I’ll be okay.”

  13

  As Jillian rushed out of the dining room, she spotted a crew member taping a white sheet of paper to the wall. Shaking her head confused, she pressed the button for the elevator. Then she turned back and tried to see what was on the flyer, but the crew member was blocking her view.

  The elevator door opened and she quickly pressed the button for the eleventh floor. Looking to her left, she spotted a copy of the flyer and her eyes bugged out of her head. It was a sketch of a hooded person, and the face looked a little like hers. “Oh, shit!”

  Under the sketch the flyer read:

  A ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR REWARD IS BEING OFFERED TO ANYONE WHO CAN IDENTIFY THIS HOODED INDIVIDUAL SEEN LEAVING THE MEN’S LOCKER ROOM AT 11:58 A.M. ON WEDNESDAY. ANYONE WITH INFORMATION SHOULD COMMUNICATE IT DIRECTLY TO THE SECURITY OFFICE.

  Jillian stood frozen with her eyes glazing over as she looked directly at her wanted poster. Never did she imagine that her face would grace one. She mumbled under her breath, “Thank you Victoria!”

  She stood motionless as the doors to the elevator opened then six seconds later closed again without anyone getting in the car. As the elevator resumed its climb, she shook her head pulling herself from the trance and repeatedly pressed the button for the eleventh floor.

  She took hold of the top of the flyer, fully prepared to rip it off, then looked up and spotted the eye of the video camera staring down at her. Smiling weakly, she smoothed it out and folded her hands behind her back, bouncing up and down nervously.

  The door to the elevator opened on the fourteenth floor and sunlight along with the sounds of a calypso band spilled into the car. She groaned and jammed her finger repeatedly into the button to close the door, muttering, “Stupid, damn, elevator, crappy, dumb…”

  When the elevator finally returned to the eleventh floor and the doors opened, she burst out to the lobby and nearly knocked over an old woman in a walker.

  “Sorry,” Jillian called back as she rushed to the left, spotting six of those same flyers tacked up outside of each elevator.

  Muttering more obscenities under her breath, this time the four letter variety, she made her way down the hall toward Victoria’s cabin and as she turned another corner another flyer was staring her in the face. She glanced up for cameras and didn’t see any then checked the hallway in front and behind her and saw no one. Quickly, she yanked it off the wall, folded it in quarters and shoved it in her pocket.

  Reaching Victoria’s cabin, she spotted the ‘Do Not Disturb’ card in the key slot and rolled her eyes. She paused a moment to think then banged loudly on the door.

  After waiting ten seconds, she pounded on the door again and said, “I know you’re in there. It’s me. Open the door.” She pounded again.

  The door opened about six inches and Ethan poked his head through. “What’s the matter?”

  “Let me in!”

  “We’re sorta in the middle of—”

  She pushed the door open nearly knocking him off balance as she shuffled past him. She glanced back to find him naked and scoffed. Charging past the corner of the closet area, she spotted Victoria under the sheets with half a nipple clearly visible.

  “Are you okay?” Victoria asked.

  “Jesus, are you guys doing it again?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “Don’t you ever get tired?”

  “No, not really.”

  Jillian turned back to Ethan who stood there with his hands over his private parts. Frowning, she waved her hand at him and grumbled, “Put something on, will ya?”

  He grabbed a pair of shorts from a chair and pulled them on as Jillian moved to the bed and dropped the flyer in front of Victoria.

  “What’s this?”

  “Um, apparently…” Jillian made a face, “… I’m on the most wanted list.”

  “What?” Victoria chuckled.

  “Yeah, it doesn’t really seem like they’re sweeping this under the rug,” Jillian announced, sarcastically.r />
  “This isn’t good,” Victoria said slowly.

  “Ya think?” Jillian snapped.

  “What is it?” Ethan asked as he took a seat on the bed. Victoria handed it to him and he looked it over, grimacing. “Oh… Wow.”

  The wanted woman plopped down on the bed. “These are every place… outside the elevators, inside the elevators, all along the halls… Everywhere.”

  “This is good news.” Victoria said sheepishly.

  “Good news?” Turning to her, Jillian looked at her like she was out of her fucking mind. “How is this good news?”

  “Um, well, they still don’t know it’s you— otherwise they would have skipped the poster and just showed up at your cabin, right?”

  Jillian closed her eyes and sighed.

  “I mean, it could be worse, you know, this really doesn’t look anything like you,” Victoria added.

  “But it does.” Jillian sighed.

  Holding it up and moving his eyes between the flyer and Jillian’s face, Ethan nodded. “Maybe a little around the eyes and the mouth—” When Victoria kicked him he terminated that thought and tried to repair the damage. “I mean, no, it really doesn’t look like you at all.”

  “You see. I’m going to get caught.” After pausing a moment, Jillian laughed out loud, maniacally. “Oh and get this. You’ll never guess who I had breakfast with today. On a ship full of a million people who do you think I sat down with today before I spilled my orange juice all over my lap? Come on guess!”

  “Um…”

  “I’ll give you a hint. I’ve seen his balls.”

  “Um, someone from the nude beach maybe?” Ethan replied, unsure.

  Jillian rolled her eyes then looked pointedly at the mastermind of the plan and said in a condescending voice, “Do you have a guess?”

  Victoria shrugged and said timidly, “Could it be the, um, the old guy from the steam room?”

  “Why yes… yes it was the old guy from the steam room.”

  “Huh…” Victoria swallowed hard, “… and, um, how’d that go?”

  Jillian began in a put on cheery voice, “Well, when we sat down he said he recognized me and he did look sorta familiar to me. Had he been naked again and I had his balls in my face, I probably would have known who it was, but I couldn’t place him… That was until his wife told the story about him being attacked in the locker room.”