Known Devil

by Matthew Hughes

  The front door opened, and a couple of gnomes walked into the diner.

  I felt myself tense up. “Karl,” I said softly.

  “I see ’em.”

  The gnomes walked up to the counter, no weapons in sight. No conical hats, either. They were acting perfectly normal – for gnomes. I couldn’t hear what they said to Donna, but Karl could.

  “We could have trouble here,” he said.

  “What is it?” I slowly pushed the right side my sport coat back, for easier access to the Beretta.

  “They want a couple of coffees,” he said. “One with cream and sugar, one just cream. And a toasted bagel, with butter. To go.”

  “So what?”

  “Donna just told them she’s out of bagels.”

  We watched as Donna prepared two coffees, bagged them, took money from the gnomes, and made change. They left without even glancing at the other customers.

  “Guess the bagel wasn’t such a big deal, after all,” Karl said.

  “Good thing, too. I’ve never shot anybody over a…” The phone in my pocket began playing “Tubular Bells”. I checked the caller ID, and felt my stomach tighten. I told Karl, “I think I better take this.”

  He looked at me. “Something wrong?”

  “I’ll know in a minute.”

  I touched an icon and put the phone to my ear.

  “Hello?”

  “So, a zombie walks into a bar,” a female voice said. “It’s more of a shamble, really, but he finally gets to the back and orders a Scotch and water. The bartender brings his drink and says, ‘That’ll be twenty bucks.’ So the zombie puts a twenty down on the bar and takes a sip of his Scotch. The bartender takes the money, rings up the sale, then says to the dead guy, ‘You know, we don’t get many zombies in here.’ The zombie shakes his head, which almost falls off, and says, ‘These prices… uhhhh… not surprised.’”

  “Hi, Lacey,” I said. “I missed you, too.”

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Jeanne Cavelos, Director of the Odyssey Writing Workshop and sole proprietor of Jeanne Cavelos Editorial Services, provided her usual invaluable assistance when I ran into plot problems – which happened all too often.

  Lee Harris, my editor at Angry Robot Books, deserves either sainthood or a knighthood for his patience with me – perhaps both. I’m not real tight with either God or Her Majesty, but I’m still going to see what I can arrange.

  Miriam Kriss, my agent, provided invaluable advice and counsel – and no small amount of patience, either.

  Linda Kingston made my life worth living. Seriously.

  Terry Bear was always there for me.

  ANGRY ROBOT

  A member of the Osprey Group

  Lace Market House,

  54-56 High Pavement,

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  NG1 1HW

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  Angry Robot / Osprey Publishing

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  www.angryrobotbooks.com

  Kill or cure

  An Angry Robot paperback original 2014

  Copyright © Justin Gustainis 2014

  Justin Gustainis asserts the moral right to be

  identified as the author of this work.

  UK ISBN 978 0 85766 295 8

  US ISBN 978 0 85766 296 5

  Ebook ISBN 978 0 85766 297 2

  Cover design by Argh! Oxford

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  This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and

  incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination.

  Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or

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