by Karen Pokras
“Yeah,” Holly replied. “A natural mom to the children I’ll never have.”
“Not never. It’ll happen,” Tessa told her. “I have a good feeling about it.”
Ava gave Holly a hug. She hated to see her sister in so much pain. She could see the tears starting to form in her eyes. Damn it, Tessa. It was an innocent comment, but still.
“What?” Tessa asked. “Is someone going to tell me what’s going on? We’re all here now. Let’s get this meeting started, Ava.”
~~~
“... and remember that guy who worked at the movie theater over on Singer Street, Hol?” Tessa laughed so hard she could hardly speak. “He had the biggest crush on you. Every time we went in there, his hands shook so much he could barely hand you your popcorn without spilling it. Good thing you never ordered a soda.”
Holly giggled. “I always wanted to, but I felt so sorry for the guy. I just knew he’d spill it everywhere. Man, was I thirsty by the time I got home.” She grabbed the second bottle of wine and filled her cup. “What was his name? Gene, George, Geoffrey—”
“Gerry!” they all blurted out, then erupted in uncontrollable laughter.
“Ssh, ssh, ssh ... you’ll wake the kids,” Ava said when she could catch her breath.
The first bottle of wine was long gone, and the second bottle was nearly empty. They’d spent the last hour drinking and reminiscing, but they still hadn’t actually discussed the problems at hand. Even so, Ava felt more relaxed than she had in ages.
“Oh crap,” Holly said, trying to get up. “I need to stand home. I have to work tomorrow, and Ben’s going to be getting home soon.” She took a step backwards and stumbled back down onto the pillow.
“I don’t think you’re going anywhere, sweets,” Ava noted. “You can sleep with Tessa in the guest room. I actually swiped your keys while you were upstairs with Logan, and already called Ben at the plant to let him know you’d be staying the night. He told me to tell you he’ll take care of calling in sick for you in the morning.”
“Always so responsible, even when drunk,” replied Holly.
“I’m barely buzzed,” Ava said. “For the record, I’m still nursing my second glass. You two lushes pretty much drank both bottles on your own.”
Tessa reached over for what was left of the second bottle. “This is going to be painful in the morning.” She filled her glass, finishing it off. “Oh well, it’s not like I’ll be able to get any work done. I have to wait until Nicholas finishes the budget and tells me how much I can spend on a new leading lady. Who do these middle-aged prima donnas think they are anyway? First they screw me, and then they try to screw my husband? They can go fuck themselves.”
“Atta girl, Tessa,” Holly said. “Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all and their stupid normal uteruses, too, while you’re at it. Fuck ’em for being able to get pregnant and for being able to stay pregnant. That’s the trick, you know. Once that little bean gets in there, it has to stick, right? That’s hard part. So, I’m with you, Tessa! They can go fuck off!”
“Uh, Hol,” Tessa said. “I’m talking about women in their fifties who are probably past their baby-making years. Does this have anything to do with what happened today? I feel like this topic got a bit sidetracked.”
Holly looked from Tessa to Ava and burst into tears. Her two sisters rushed to her side. “You tell her, Ava,” Holly said. “I can’t.”
Ava nodded, still cradling Holly. Her own problems seemed so insignificant at the moment. “Holly lost a baby today,” Ava explained calmly.
“What?” Tessa asked in shock. “She was pregnant?”
Ava nodded. “Her and Ben did another round of IVF.”
“I remember,” Tessa said. “I thought we were still waiting for results. Has that much time passed?”
“It’s been seven weeks,” Ava answered.
“Wow,” Tessa replied. “I guess I lost track of time. I’m so sorry, Holly. I didn’t realize.”
“It’s okay, really,” Holly said, calming down. “We didn’t tell anyone we were expecting. We wanted to wait until after the first trimester. We’d just passed the halfway point. Then, this morning I started bleeding ... a lot.”
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry, Hol. But you can try again, right?”
Ava knew this line of questioning would upset her sister, so she decided to answer on her behalf. “The doctors think it’s best if they take a break for a while.”
“Then you can try, right? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to push. I know this must be hard.”
“It’s okay. It feels good to finally have you know and being here with you two. Plus, the two bottles of wine helped. Sorry your day was on the rough side, too.”
Tessa sighed. “So that was the big secret. Well, I love you, you know that. And I’m here for you. We all are. And I’m sorry I’m such an insensitive clod.”
Holly hugged her and shook her head. “I love you, too. And you’re not. Well, maybe a little, but I am, too, so it’s all good,” she laughed. “Okay, but now we need to be done talking about it because I prefer to be a happy drunk.”
“Got it,” Tessa said, wiping her tears away. “And what about you, Ava? Everything going okay with you? What about your crappy day?”
Ava looked at Tessa. She appreciated the concern, but didn’t feel right dumping her problems on her younger sisters. They had enough to worry about, and they were drunk. “Oh you know, same old, same old. I wish Max were here more, but otherwise everything is fine. I was just overreacting.” Damn. Why was it so hard to tell them the truth?
“Okay,” Tessa replied. “At least one of us has it together.” Tessa raised her glass to toast her older sister.
Ava smiled. Did she? she thought to herself.
“We really need to do this more often,” Tessa slurred. “You sure you don’t have a bottle of vodka hidden away somewhere?”
“We really need to get you and Holly off to bed,” Ava corrected.
Tessa raised her glass. “To vodka, and wine, and bed, and to the Secret Haines Order of Endearing Sisters.”
The three woman raised their glasses to formally end their meeting and quietly shouted, “To SHOES: Through thick and thin, heels and flats, our secrets stay within. We’re not just friends, we’re sisters, too. Bound by blood until the end.”
Chapter 9 – Tessa
“Mommy! You’re back!”
Tessa’s headache instantly went away at the sight of her daughter rushing toward her with her arms spread open. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched as her sister pulled out of the driveway. To save Ava the trip, Holly had offered to drive Tessa back on her way home first thing in the morning. The Haines sisters had stayed up way too late, over-indulged in wine, and shared many, many secrets. It had been the perfect night and was long overdue.
“There’s my princess,” she crooned, scooping her daughter up in her arms. “Boy, did I miss you.”
“I missed you, too, Mommy,” Sophie replied, nuzzling into the crook of her neck.
“What about me?” Nicholas asked, walking in to the room to greet his wife. “Did anyone miss me?”
“Oh, Nicholas,” Sophie giggled. “How could I miss you? You were here the whole night.”
“That’s right,” he told her, tickling her as he kissed Tessa hello.
“Well, I missed you,” Tessa said, beaming. Even four years later, her heart fluttered every time her husband walked into the room. “I don’t like being away from either one of you.” She put Sophie down and smiled wide with adoration at the sight of her family standing before her.
When Sophie’s dad, Scott, deserted Tessa while she was still pregnant, she felt as if her life were over. Scared and alone, with a baby on the way, Tessa was grateful for the support of her family. She eventually moved into a tiny rundown apartment, where she struggled to make ends meet as a single mom. As for men, they were the last thing on her mind. Now, here she was—living a dream life with Sophie and the most amazing man she’d ever met.
Raising her eyebrows, Tessa looked over to Nicholas, who just smiled and shrugged. “Sophie, sweetie, are you sure those are age appropriate? When did you stop watching movies with cute penguins and princesses in them?”
“Mom, I’m almost eight.”
“Mom?” Tessa repeated. “A minute ago, I was still Mommy. Is this some weird time warp dream or something? And last I checked, almost eight means you’re still seven and nowhere near close to the thirteen you need to be in order to watch those PG-13 movies. Now how about I pick the movies?”
“Oh, okay,” Sophie gave in, looking defeated. “No princesses or penguins.”
“Deal,” Tessa replied, trying to hold in her laughter.
“It was a good try, sport,” Nicholas offered, “but I warned you it probably wouldn’t work. You better go get ready for school.”
“When did she grow up?” Tessa asked, as she watched her daughter walk up the stairs toward her bedroom.
“She’s not grown up.” Nicholas draped his arm around her shoulder. “She’s only seven and still your little girl. In fact, she’ll always be your little girl.”
“But when did princesses go away? Princesses used to be all she cared about. Remember?”
“How could I forget?” Nicholas responded, laughing. “If it weren’t for Sophie, I’d never know about Princess Aurora. In fact, I’m pretty sure Her Royal Highness is responsible for us being a family.”
Tessa let out a tiny laugh as she nodded her head. It was true. At three years old, Sophie had been obsessed with the beautiful princess from Sleeping Beauty. On the day she met Nicholas for the first time, he surprised her with a magnificent Princess Aurora doll. For Sophie, it was love at first sight … with both the doll and Nicholas. For Tessa, the fact that this man did something so thoughtful and unnecessary for her daughter only made her love for him, whether she was ready to admit it at that time or not, even stronger.
“Sweetheart? Why are you crying?” Nicholas asked, wiping her tears away.
“We used to be so close, Sophie and me, and now I feel like I’ve missed the last year of her life. I mean, those movies—I never even knew she was interested in stuff like that. I can never get that time back with her.”
“Maybe not,” Nicholas said, gently caressing her back, “but you can get to know her now. Come here.” Taking Tessa’s hand, he led her over to his computer and sat down as she peered over his shoulder. “I want to show you what I’ve been working on. This is going to free up so much of your time.”
Opening up a spreadsheet on the monitor, he started explaining equations and graphs. To anyone else, it might have looked like a bunch of garbled numbers, but Tessa had worked in the accounting field for several years, many of which were spent creating the exact same types of reports. To her, these all made perfect sense, and for the first time since she’d opened her theater, the numbers actually worked. While the budget Nicholas created was modest, it would get Tessa’s production up and running. There was enough money to finally make her vision work. First on the agenda would be putting out a casting call for a new leading lady.
As if he could read her mind, Nicholas stated, “I’ve already put a classified in the online trade magazines. I figured it would be the quickest way to get the word out. Auditions are today at eleven. With this type of streamlining, you’ll be able to get everything done during regular working hours.”
“You’re amazing,” she exclaimed, wrapping her arms around her husband’s neck from behind. “And …”
“It’s okay,” he smirked, “you can say it, I’ll only gloat for a week or so.”
Rolling her eyes, she continued, “And you were right. I should have accepted your help from the beginning.”
“Oh, no, really, go on,” Nicholas said, waving his hand in front of his face as if it were nothing. He paused and turned to look at his wife. “No really. Go on.”
She pushed him away.
“What’s that, Sophie?” he asked, backing out of the room with his hand up to his ear. “You need help with something, also?” He winked at his wife and blew her a kiss as he walked away.
Tessa sat down at the keyboard and looked at the spreadsheet again. All those stressful months, all that time away from Sophie … it all could have been avoided if she hadn’t been so stubborn. Sighing, she closed the document and opened her email: Junk, junk, junk … What the … No … Please God … No.
“Nicholas. NICHOLAS!”
Chapter 10 – Holly
Holly walked through her front door still in a daze. There was no doubt hanging out with her sisters last night was a much-needed diversion, but it didn’t change the fact her baby was no longer growing inside of her. She closed her eyes, placed her hand across her abdomen, and leaned her head against the wall, as her purse fell to the floor. Would the empty feeling deep within her ever go away? Ben’s hand rested gently on top of hers, and her tears once again began to fall.
“What are you doing home, babe?” she finally asked, eyes still closed. “I thought you had the early shift today.”
“I took the day off,” he answered softly.
His voice sounded shaky, not confident and strong as it usually did. It threw her off, and she lifted her head, meeting his gaze.
His eyes were bloodshot and swollen with bright red rims.
“Are you okay?”
He nodded. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you like that yesterday, in the parking lot. I just didn’t know how to … I didn’t know what to …”
“I know.” Pulling him in tight against her, she ran her fingers through the soft waves on the top of his head, mixing in her tears, as he trembled against her. “I know,” she whispered again. Hearing his muffled sobs against her neck, she held him even tighter, taking in his scent—the scent that forever brought her comfort, even today.
“We’ll get through this, I promise,” he said, pulling back slightly. Taking hold of both of Holly’s hands, he led her to the couch to sit down. “I know you’re worried about finances, but I talked to Nicholas last night. He wants to help. He offered to pay for another round—”
Holly put her hands on her husband’s lips to stop him from continuing. “Ben, I don’t know if I can go through this again,” she told him. “We just lost our baby. I’m an emotional wreck right now.”
“Of course, Hol. I didn’t mean immediately. We both need some time to heal.”
“I don’t think you understand. What I mean is it’s very generous of Nicholas to offer to help, and you know how much I want to have a family, but I’m beginning to think my body is trying to tell us something. We’ve spent years going to doctors. I’ve taken pills, done the injections, had scans and countless other procedures. You’ve had your share of tests as well. Every procedure that didn’t work was disappointing, but it wasn’t the end of the world, because we hadn’t exhausted all of our options yet. And then, just as we were on our final attempt, a miracle happened. I can’t remember ever being happier, can you?”
Ben shook his head no, his eyes filling with tears once more.
“So why? Why would the powers that be put us through everything we’ve been through, all of the heartache and pain, give us the one thing we wanted more than anything else in the world, and then when we’re finally happy, take it all away … just like that? Why?”
Holly regarded her husband as he hung his head, unable to look her in the eyes. “I know it doesn’t seem fair, but maybe—”
She cut him off. “Maybe we’re just not meant to have children of our own. Maybe losing a baby was the only way to get the message across to us.”
“You’re wrong,” he stated, lifting his head. Taking her face in his hands, he stare
d directly into her eyes. “You love children. It’s what makes you such an amazing teacher. Don’t you see, Hol? Even your career path proves you’re a nurturing caregiver. You love those kids as if they were your own. That’s your sign right there. You were meant to be a mom.”
“Or maybe the sign is that the reason I love the kids in my classroom so much is because they’re the only ones I’m going to get.”
“No,” Ben replied assertively, shaking his head. “I don’t believe that for a second. And what about me? I still want to be a dad. I don’t have a classroom full of kids to fill that need. We were meant to be parents. Our time will come. And there’s still adoption.”
Tessa smiled at her husband. Adoption wasn’t off the table. In fact, she always assumed they’d adopt at some point. However, in her mind she saw it as a way to supplement her family, not as the only means to having a family. She yearned to know what it was like to carry a baby … to have a living being that she and Ben created together grow inside of her.
“I know it’s not what you’ve dreamed about,” he continued, still talking about adopting, “but it’s a way for us to be parents if we can’t … You know what I think?”
“What?” she asked. He was so optimistic, no matter what the situation, and they’d been through a lot together. She’d always loved that about her husband. However, her getting pregnant was one thing he couldn’t control or fix, neither of them could.
“I think we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves. We need a break.”
“What do you mean?” She furrowed her brow. Usually when a man told a woman they needed a break, it wasn’t good news. Surely he wasn’t suggesting they—
Sensing her confusion, he quickly clarified, “I’m talking about getting away … for a vacation. My boss still has the cabin available. Remember the one he offered us before we knew about the … Well, we don’t have to wait until the summer. We can go over spring break, or take a long weekend. Just the two of us—alone—no work, no phones, no stress. What do you think?”
