Stunned (The Lucidites Book 2)

by Sarah Noffke

  Apparently I’ve been off in thought and have somehow ended up in the leather chair stationed in front of Trey’s desk. He’s scanning the contents of a shelf, moving objects around. “Here it is,” he says, plucking something from the back. “I’m glad you stopped by. I have something for you.” He places the object on the desk in front of me. It’s a copper and bronze statue of a Buddhist-type figure sitting on a horse. The features of the person and horse are painted in animated blues, reds, and golds.

  Trey walks around his desk and sits. “I picked this up the other day because when I saw it I thought of you.”

  I gauge him and then study the statue.

  “The figure,” he says pointing at it, “is Achi Chokyi Drolma. A full history on her would take quite a while, but—”

  “She’s the mother of the Buddhas,” I interrupt him.

  He looks surprised. “Yes, that’s correct. She also protects an ancient lineage as well as Buddha’s teachings. She’s an extremely symbolic figure and is thought to offer protection from obstacles and difficulties.” I chew on my lip, staring at the statue. “Later, I can fill you in on more of the details surrounding her. They’re fascinating. I was actually raised by Tibetan Buddhist monks and although I don’t practice that religion anymore, it’s still close to my heart.”

  Is Trey sharing with me? Why? That’s odd. It’s probably a trust-gathering technique so he can cover up more secrets and lies.

  “Do you follow the Buddhist religion?” he asks, looking curious.

  “No. Why?”

  “Well, many people wouldn’t know who Achi Chokyi Drolma is.”

  “I read,” I say. “Honestly, I don’t know what I believe in.”

  He nods his head, a conspiratorial look. “I think because we’re Dream Travelers it’s difficult for us to choose merely one religion. We see so much more and with that comes an overwhelming burden. For me, one religion isn’t enough. I need all of them to make sense of my world. And even then, sometimes I still don’t feel like it’s enough.”

  Disbelief clouds my head. Trey doesn’t even sound like himself right now. Or at least he doesn’t sound like the persona that he’s modeled since we’ve met. And even though anything he says I want to reject, what he’s shared is one hundred percent the way I’ve felt for too long. Undeniably I need to be connected to the spiritual realm, but some days it’s difficult to know what I should believe. Sometimes I fail to find a philosophy or religion or inspiration that helps me navigate my life. And that’s when I feel as alone as the coldness in Trey’s eyes right now.

  “I hope it’s all right that I’ve given this to you,” Trey says, bringing me out of my reverie. “I thought you could use a good luck charm of sorts.”

  “Why? Are you sending me on another deadly mission?”

  Something passes in his eyes. Amusement maybe? “Not currently. I was referring to the protection I thought you could use against Chase and whatever he has planned for you.”

  “Well, thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  A silence fills the space between us. It doesn’t seem to make him uncomfortable. I allow another long few seconds to roll by as I study him.

  “Now are you here because I’ve ruined your chances of escaping the Institute for a second time?” he says, leaning back in his chair, threading his fingers together.

  “You’d think so, but actually no.”

  Trey gives a curious expression, mixed with relief.

  “I just figured that maybe you could exert some of that influence that seems to work on everybody else to do me a favor.”

  He looks at me blankly for a second and I just let him sit and wonder.

  Finally I say, “It’s Joseph.”

  A sudden look of concern crosses Trey’s face, but it quickly passes. He remains quiet. I explain Joseph’s strange behavior before the Grotte and then how he got better. “Now he’s slipping away again. Hardly anyone ever sees him. I don’t think he’s eating much and I’m really worried.” A thought occurs to me. I narrow my eyes. “You don’t have him working on something, do you?” I ask, accusing.

  Trey shakes his head, looking off deep in thought, contemplating the information I’ve given him. The look of concern has returned to his eyes. He runs his fingers though his silver hair. “I apologize for not seeing this earlier. I figured he was having trouble adjusting to the Institute.” Trey focuses his turquoise eyes on me. “I wish you would have brought this to my attention before now,” he says, a harshness in his tone.

  Oh, so now this is my fault. I won’t be shamed. “Whatever. You know about it now,” I say, copying his tone. “I want you to intervene. Find out what he’s into and stop him. It can’t be good. He’s not himself. And you owe me this. If I’m going to be forced to stay here, then I want you to make Joseph stop doing whatever it is that’s causing him to be…” I stop, searching for the right word. When I’m unable to find it I finally say, “this way.”

  Trey studies his hands lying on his desk. He presses his lips together and shakes his head. Then he rubs his head, seemingly on edge. “Roya, I’ll do everything in my power to bring Joseph back.” When Trey finally looks up at me his eyes are red, exhausted. “I fear that whatever he’s mixed up in isn’t good. If it’s what I think, then it’s… lethal.”

  I blink as those words sink in to my brain. My heart races. Mouth parched. Fingers tense around the arms of the chair. That one word strips me of any remaining peace. “What?!” I say.

  “Let me do some checking and I’ll get back with you as soon as possible. In the meantime find your brother. Don’t let him leave the Institute again.” Trey stands and hurries around the desk. He picks up the statue and hands it to me. It’s surprisingly heavy for its size. The cold metals remind me of my bracelet. Taking Trey’s not so subtle hint I make my way to the door.

  “I’ll be in touch with you soon,” he says, hitting the button for the door.

  I don’t look back or acknowledge him as I exit his office. Worry sprints through my mind like a zebra trying to escape a hungry lion.

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  For five solid minutes I beat against Joseph’s door, barking threats which quickly turn into pleas. Trey’s word echoes through my mind again, disrupting my rational side. Lethal. Joseph could be mixed up in something lethal. Instinctively I knew it, but to hear it spoken out loud makes the impending doom feel inevitable. I slam my palm down on the button for his door. But it remains locked in place. How’s that possible? I didn’t think these doors locked. Mine doesn’t. Or does it? Again my hand taps the button, this time repeatedly. I remain staring at a solid mass of door.

  Sliding down I nestle up next to his door. I wait. I try to read to pass the time, the waiting, but my brain won’t focus on words. I lose track of the hours that tick by. And in that time fear slowly morphs into anger. How could Joseph be so dumb to get himself mixed up in something dangerous? How can he make me worry like this? I want to think I would never put him through this torment.

  The elevator announces its arrival. I look up, praying that this time Joseph is the one about to step off. The groan that escapes my lips is automatic when I clamber to my feet. I’ve been hunched over for too long on the hard ground. My wound is not pleased with me.

  “You all right?” Aiden asks, peeking his head around the corner.

  My head swivels, certain he must be talking to someone behind me. We’re alone in the hallway. I stretch, testing my limbs.

  “No,” I say, shaking my head. “If you remember, I was shot.” I scowl at him as he saunters toward me. “Saving you,” I add.

  He peers at me sideways, obviously caught off guard by my belligerent attitude.

  “I’m glad I ran into you. I was just about to send you a mess—”

  “It was you, wasn’t it?” I cut him off.

  Aiden raises a curious eyebrow. “Do tell me what I’m being convicted of this time.”

  “You told Trey I was leaving.”

>   “Actually I didn’t. But I was right, wasn’t I? Under the current circumstances he wasn’t going to let you leave.”

  “If it wasn’t you, then who told him?”

  “I’m guessing it was someone else interested in keeping you here. I know a certain empath who perfectly fits that criterion.”

  I scowl again. If I keep it up, my face is probably going to stick like that. “George wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t go behind my back.”

  “People who are obsessed with you will go to all sorts of lengths to keep you here.”

  “That’s ridiculous. George isn’t obsessed with me.”

  “Appearances suggest otherwise,” Aiden says, not disguising the bitterness in his voice.

  Two can play this game. “Well, it would appear that you’re ignoring me.”

  A sigh flees his mouth. “God, Roya, I’m not ignoring you.”

  “Then why haven’t you given me even the slightest look all week?”

  “You seem to think I can be around you and contain my feelings,” he says, a morbid laugh in his voice. “The only reason I’m talking to you now is because we’re alone.”

  “That’s absurd. You’re the king of pretenses.”

  “Do I have a stupid grin plastered on my face right now?”

  The question takes me by surprise. “What?” I say, scrunching up my brow. “Yes.”

  “That’s because I’m looking at you,” he says like I’ve done something wrong by existing. “Since I’ve returned from the Grotte I’ve had a hard time putting on the mask.”

  I don’t want to believe anything he’s says. It’s another trick…but why? Why is he playing this game with me? “Did you really have to refuse to apologize when you ran into me in the hallway or not look at me once in the main hall all week?”

  “I’m sorry, but yes. After the infirmary I kept trying to pretend, hide how I felt, but I can’t do it, not like I used to. I found I could hardly look at you without…” He pauses. Swallows. Sighs. “Almost dying, heightening everything. And you almost died too. And now every time I’m close to you something irresistible takes over and I’m battling to resist it, but it’s getting more difficult. That’s why I’ve been pretending to ignore you, but I can promise you I’m not. I’m all too aware of your presence, all too aware.” My pulse gallops in my head. I steal a giant breath. “I watch everything you do.” He says it like it’s a curse. “Every look. Every movement. Every word. My attention is always hinged on you. Every ounce of it.”

  “That hasn’t been my observation,” I say.

  “That’s because it’s complicated. You know that already.” He rubs his forehead, obviously aggravated. “The truth is I can’t take my eyes off you, personally or professionally. It’s part of my job to watch you.”

  “How romantic.”

  “Look, Roya, Trey’s ordered me to keep a very close eye on you. He’s incredibly concerned that Chase is going to attempt to do something to you soon.”

  “He’s overreacting,”

  “No he’s not. Chase abducted me.” A chill runs through his eyes. “I’m certain he’d take you if he had the dream blocker.”

  “You know what? I can’t keep up these pretenses with you. I understand why you have to, but it’s hurting me. Every time you pass me without a single glance my heart aches. Let’s just be friends. Then you can focus on your job and I won’t feel used.”

  “Used? That’s the furthest thing from the truth, Roya. I genuinely care. I want you, but Trey—”

  “I’m so tired of Trey dictating my life. I can’t live where I want, do what I want, love who I wa—” Shit. I clench my eyes shut. Those words didn’t just come out of my mouth. They didn’t. They didn’t. They didn’t. My eyes open to find a satisfied grin covering Aiden’s face. I guess they did.

  “Trey does exert his influence on everyone’s lives,” Aiden says. “I believe his intentions are good though.”

  I can’t find a single person at this Institute to take my side against Trey. “I want to control the parts of my life that I’m allowed to, Aiden. I get that you can’t afford to risk your career and I’m not asking you to. But I’m not putting myself in this position anymore. I won’t be your secret any longer.” I can’t believe what I’ve just said. Affirmed. I’m fairly certain that my heart has fallen on the ground and is slowly taking its last throbbing beats before it dies.

  His blue eyes drop to his shoes, but not before I catch the disappointment emblazed in them. “I’m sorry, Roya. I haven’t put you in a fair position.”

  “It’s not about what’s fair, it’s about what’s smart. It’s foolish to want something I can’t really have. I’m tired of pretending this works.” I motion between him and me. “It doesn’t,” I say, smothering the approaching tears with a blanket of threats.

  His eyes are still pinned on his black Converse shoes. I expect him to dissuade me or launch into a speech. Instead he only nods. It’s almost worse than any words because even from his hooded face I know it’s over. One nod ended it all.

  “I have to go.” I don’t. “I have something I need to do.” I don’t.

  Another nod.

  Brushing past him, I start for my room. I might be imagining it, but I feel like I’m limping, wounded physically by the last few minutes. My legs are warm jelly. Still I will them forward with excruciating effort. Tears are winning the battle against my determination and soon they’ll erupt, but not here. Please not here. Not in the hallway. I don’t turn back when I reach my room. Can’t. I know Aiden hasn’t moved from the spot where I left him, but looking at him now will undo me.

  Once in the sanctity of my room I slide down against the wall and cradle myself with my arms. Suddenly the tears which had been waging war on my insides have disappeared, replaced by numbness. I’m too shocked to cry now. It’s impossible to believe what I’ve done. The last few minutes are a surreal nightmare.

  All I wanted was Aiden back. Safe. And I deluded myself into believing that he’d choose me when he returned. How couldn’t he? And when he held me in the infirmary I convinced myself we belonged together. He was the one. But love is a two-way street. And he doesn’t… George was right. I deserve to be loved by someone who can give me what I want.

  The knock makes me jump, because it is both unexpected and loud. Pressing myself up to a standing position I steady my breath and stare at the stainless steel door in front of me. Who knocked? What if it’s Joseph? My finger glides against the button. I freeze. What if it’s George? I can’t face him right now.

  “Roya, please open up.” Aiden’s voice is scratchy and low, like he’s speaking right into the crack between the door and the wall.

  The button clicks gently under my fingertips. His hands drop from his face. Undeniable grief cloaks his features.

  “I lied before.” Ache is tangible in his words. “When you asked me in the infirmary if I thought I was going to die at the Grotte, I lied. I did think I was going to die and my mind was filled with regret. It wasn’t the same regret that I always thought would haunt me in a deadly situation. It wasn’t about the things I hadn’t discovered or created scientifically. My solitary regret was that the only girl I’ve ever loved didn’t know it.” He pauses, assessing my reaction. I’m stone on the outside, but inside every crazy emotion he elicits is squirming around, trying to find a way out. “I regretted that I’d been too much of a chicken to risk my career to be with her. And then I was rescued and once in the safety of the Institute I buried the regret, hoping to figure out a strategy later. I told myself that we had time to be together when things weren’t so complicated. I convinced myself that the timing was wrong, but all my rationalizing was flawed. Because if my time at the Grotte taught me anything it’s that life is unpredictable and I’m not promised a future, only a here and now.”

  “Aiden.” My voice catches. “I’m not asking for you to risk your career—”

  He holds up a hand to silence me. Then it drops but he doesn’t say anything; his
eyes just shift back and forth between mine. Tense seconds pass. Something similar to music fills my being. Jerks on my heart. Erases boundaries. Each moment he stands stoically assessing me the louder this silent music grows. “And I realize now that since I’ve returned the only thing I’ve risked is losing you. And that’s unacceptable.”

  “Aiden, you still don’t have to—”

  “Roya, I love you.” His words send rampant joy rushing through my veins. He steps forward and brushes his hand against my cheek. “I’ve loved you since the first moment your green eyes opened on the GAD-C. I may not have your gift to see the future, but I know you have to be in mine. I need you in my life.”

  I lay my hand over his against my cheek. His warmth fills the spaces between my heartbeats. I don’t know what it is about him, but he lures me in so effortlessly and tangles my heart in a net. Can I really let him risk his career for me though?

  He loves me. He freaking loves me! And all I want is to love him back. To shout my adoration for him through the Institute. To hold his hand publicly. But what if I ruin it all for him? What if he’s ridiculed? What if that starts a domino effect that leads to a demotion or worse…termination? How can my heart feel heavy and elated at the same time?

  “Do I have your permission to talk to Trey about this tomorrow?”

  My eyes widen with disbelief. “Aiden—”

  “I’ll explain to him about our relationship,” Aiden cuts me off. “I’ll convince him it won’t affect my work—that it will encourage it. Would that be okay?”

  “You would do that for me?”

  He shakes his head. “I would do it for us.”

  “But what about the other Head Officials? Won’t they give you hell?”

  He shrugs. “Fuck ’em. All I need is Trey to sign off, then I’m golden,” he says, almost sings.

  Before I know it his lips are on mine. They burn with a new intensity. Fire melts me into a million pieces. And if I can be put back together I want it to be with his hands which are pinned against my back, urging me nearer. I’m so close to him that his heart thumps against my chest and still I beg for more, wishing to erase the atoms I know that buffer us, that keep us from really touching. Threading my fingers through his gorgeously disordered hair I gently bite his bottom lip. He growls low in his throat. It sends a shiver down my back. Twice more he kisses me before peeling himself away.