“But nothing. With each year, it will get a little better. Have you ever talked to them or a counselor about it?”
“No. My therapy is my music.”
“Yeah, me too,” Colton agreed. “But counseling has really helped me. If it weren’t for Blake, I never would have done it.”
“Tell me about that?” Lauren asked quietly as if she didn’t think he’d do it, but he wanted to. He’d never felt safer.
“Well, my parents, as you know, were not model parents. And my dad was a charmer, especially when it came to my mother, ladies in general. She always said he tricked her into having so many kids. She didn’t take very good care of us. And he, he used us.”
“Used you? How?”
“He sold drugs. Never worked an honest day in his life. And we paid the price. He didn’t like my mom working, so she would sneak out to waitress some days and work at this dinky little factory that made, of all things, buttons, other days. We all had to lie for her and lie for him, and it drove wedges between us all.”
Lauren drew her fingers over his tattoo. “The cross?”
“I got it last year after he was finally tried and put away in prison. It was very difficult for me. Took years, and there was a lot of guilt from my siblings and my mom. He’ll never speak to me again, which is fine by me. I was asked to testify against him. The cross was my reckoning, doing the right thing. I had to, Lauren. And every day, I bear the cross of it.” Colton felt himself becoming emotional.
“He was using us to transport drugs to kids in our local YMCAs without us even knowing. We thought we were delivering lunches to our at-risk neighborhood friends, but I soon discovered he was packing them with drugs for them to go out and sell or use. He was telling us he was just giving back, being a good Samaritan, that he was a changed man, a Christian man, and we wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe him. So desperately.
I thought maybe, just maybe, I was going to know what a father/son relationship would be like, what it might mean to eat dinners every night together at a table, what it might mean not to listen to my mother drink herself to sleep every night, or what it might mean to have a normal family, one that loves one another, one that isn’t worried about where the next meal might come from, or if they’ll be sent out to pick the trash.”
“Oh my god, Colton.” She grabbed him. “Oh my god.”
“Yeah…so the cross has a bit of sarcasm to it too. Anyone can say anything they want. But it’s the actions that count. For all the live-long day my dad said he was a Christian, he was just a criminal, using his own children, especially me, to deliver packed lunches to my friends filled with drugs and only enough food to mask the contraband.
Sadly, some of my siblings won’t ever forgive me for testifying against him. My mom is trying. But I’m not holding my breath.”
“You did the right thing, Colton. The not-easy thing.”
“I had no choice. Those were my friends. Some of them became rich dealers themselves, if they hadn’t gotten too hooked on the shit themselves. Me? I got the hell out. See why I have such a thing against rich people now?”
“Yes,” she conceded. “But don’t you see now, that even the rich have their troubles, Colton? And that we can both overcome them? You’re overcoming yours. Look at how talented you are. Look at how far you’ve come.”
“I’m grateful I had Blake…and music…and now, you.”
Colton had never, ever told anyone as much as he’d just told Lauren, except his therapist, not even Blake. He felt relieved and worried at the same time.
The heavy morning lifted, and they lay together for a few more minutes, both wanting to hang onto the moment and stall time.
After a while of beautiful silence, Colton kissed Lauren’s nose. “I’m starving.”
“Let me make you breakfast,” Lauren offered. “You got any Bisquick?”
Colton laughed. “Do I look like the type of guy that has Bisquick?”
“You’re full of surprises, Masters, so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you did!”
“Come here,” Colton said and pulled her towards him. “I really mean it, Lauren. I want to go home with you next weekend. I need to meet this smart dad of yours.” He brushed his lips against hers, and she felt there wasn’t enough air in the room.
“Okay,” she conceded. “I’d really like that.”
“Good. Because I wasn’t asking.”
“Well. It doesn’t matter. I want you to come.”
Colton smiled at that and changed the subject again. “So—are you making me breakfast or what?”
“Yup. I’ll go to the little store at the corner of the street and see what I can find!”
“Okay, Princess. Get going then.” He swatted her ass, and they made their way, finally, out of bed.
When they opened Colton’s bedroom door, it hit Lauren then that they probably wouldn’t be alone. Colton winked at her, and she blushed, wondering what everyone would surmise they’d been doing the night before, even if false.
They tip-toed past a passed-out snorer, and just as Colton opened the door for Lauren to pass through, there Angela stood, notebook in hand, portable keyboard strapped to her back. Lauren froze. And the air seemed to be swallowed up in unbearable tension.
“What the fuck is going on here, Masters?” Angela hissed out.
It was do or die time. Either Colton was going to buck up and tell the truth, or Lauren was going to see just what Colton Masters was made of.
“I asked you a fucking question? What the fuck is this uptight prude doing at your place, Colton? Please tell me this isn’t the reason you ignored every text I sent you last night. Please tell me this isn’t the reason I waited for an hour and half at the restaurant for you to pick me up to take me to the party with you.”
Lauren could see how angry Angela was, but more than that, she could see how hurt she was. Colton and Angela’s friendship lay in the balance, and Lauren didn’t want to be the one to break it up.
Lauren spoke first. “We were just finishing some homework this morning, Angela. Colton was just taking me home.”
Colton shot a look at Lauren, but Lauren stayed straight-faced, refusing to look back in his direction.
Colton finally spoke. “I’m sorry about work last night. Let me drive Lauren home. Come on in. When I get back, we’ll talk.”
She huffed in past them, eyeing Lauren suspiciously. “It better be fucking good, Masters. You better have a really fucking good excuse why you stood me up last night.”
“Just get in the house, Angela. I’ll be back in fifteen.”
Colton nodded to Lauren, putting his hand on her lower back to escort her out the door and not to the little convenience store but to his car.
When they were safely out of the house and securely in the car, Colton exhaled long and hard, running his hand across his face roughly. “I didn’t plan this with you, Lauren. Fuck,” he spat.
“I know,” she whispered. “Me either.”
“Don’t ever fucking lie for me, Lauren. Ever. Do you understand me?”
She shook at the harshness of his words after everything they had just shared. She remained silent as he started the car and pressed the pedal to the metal. It made her nervous. It made her uncomfortable. It made her wish she’d just kept her mouth shut.
They drove the rest of the way in silence, not even the radio playing. Lauren could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She cared for him so much more than she probably should. It made her want to curl up into a ball and cry. But she would wait until he was long gone and out of sight before she broke down.
He pulled up alongside the dorm, and she froze. She worried what he was going to say. She worried he would say everything they shared was just a foolish mistake. And she worried what would happen when he got back to Angela, his former lover, his lover who understood him more than Lauren, his lover who had known him longer than Lauren, his lover who had actually had sex with him. She dug her nails into her palms to quell the ris
ing lump and tears she knew would follow.
“Why, Lauren? Why would you lie for me?”
What could she say, Because I love you, because I would do anything for you, because your happiness is so much more important to me than mine? Instead, she could only mutter, “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
He raised his voice and then lowered it when he saw Lauren tense and jump. He knew why he was so mad. He knew why she’d done it. And he didn’t want to admit it to himself. That she had fallen for him. That he had made her fall in love with him. That he had done this to her when he probably couldn’t love her back, ever, that even though she was special somehow, and she was special, he was sure it couldn’t be love. Colton Masters didn’t do the love thing.
The silence was deafening. Lauren broke it. “What are you going to tell her?”
“I have no fucking idea, truth be told.”
“Do you…love her?”
“What?” he barked and then stilled as he stared over at the beautiful girl who he wanted more than anyone or anything, the one girl he wouldn’t fuck, the one girl who made him think he could feel the one thing he didn’t think he was capable of feeling.
“She’s not the one I’m in love with, Lauren.”
Lauren visibly startled. “Oh?” Her body stiffened and seemed to tremble at the same time.
“I’m not in love with anyone, okay?” he said gruffly and regretted it the moment he saw the hurt in her eyes. To try to make up for it, he said, “I’ll see you next weekend in Connecticut. I’ll book my flight today after I deal with Angela.”
She nodded and grabbed the handle to the door.
He pulled her back. “Come here.”
She wanted to pull away, but she also didn’t want him to know how badly his words had stung her, how knotted her stomach was from the pain his words caused.
He kissed her, and that was all she could take. A tear escaped her right eye, and she quickly wiped it before he could see it. “Bye,” she said softly, pulling away.
He looked intently in her eyes, and she was sure he would say one of his infamous sorries, but instead he said, “I will see you next weekend. I promise.”
“Okay.” She didn’t know what else to say.
“And I’ll see you in class at the very least this week,” he added. He wouldn’t let her leave, and it was killing her.
“Yes. You will indeed.”
“Congratulations, Lauren, on your role. I’m so proud of you. Truly.”
Lauren stilled. He was so confusing. So cold and hot. So sweet and cruel. But when he was kind like this, it overwhelmed her. A tear finally escaped again, and she couldn’t wipe it fast enough.
“What’s the matter? Nothing’s changed has it? You have the role, right?”
“Yes,” she snorted a little.
He grimaced and then, laughed.
“It’s just you,” Lauren continued. “You’re sweet, and I don’t care what you say. That you care enough to mention Les Mis again with all you have going on, that you remembered. It’s special to me.”
He brushed both his thumbs across her cheeks. “Yeah, well, when it comes to you, I remember everything. I don’t have any control over it. Okay. You feel better?”
She wanted to scream it. She wanted to proclaim it and get the heavy weight off her shoulders. She wanted to yell at the top of her lungs: I love you Colton Masters, and there’s no amount of pushing me away that will change that!
“What are you thinking, Ms. Percy? Tell me right now. Because if it’s how sweet I am, I thought we already established just how unsweet I am.”
“You tasted sweet to me last night,” Lauren said, surprising him.
“Oh yeah?”
“Oh yeah. I’m probably scarred forever. Nothing will ever taste as good.”
“You’re a saucy little thing. Have I done that to you? What happened to my sweet, innocent Lauren?” Colton laughed. He held her to him again.
She lifted her eyebrows and burst out laughing. “Saucy?”
“Hey. I’m an educated dude. You keep wanting to stereotype me as some dreg, but I love me some Shakespeare.”
“Oh? So that’s where that’s coming from?”
“No. It’s coming from the naughty girl sitting next to me here, making me hard.”
“I know of a place we can go. Right up there on the third floor.” She pointed to her dorm room.
He brushed his fingers along the outline of her breasts. “You’re irresistible. Trust me. I’m trying to resist you, and the only reason I’m going to find a way to succeed is because I have a very angry friend waiting to castrate me at my apartment, who I need to appease.”
Lauren sighed. She didn’t want to think about Angela. “Please don’t mention other girls when you’re touching me. And don’t use words like appease for god’s sake.”
“You’re cute when you’re jealous, Princess.”
“It’s not funny,” she said, a mixture of hurt and anger.
He kissed her forehead. “You’re the only girl I want to be with, Lauren.”
She pushed her head against his chest as hard as she could, as if she’d be able to detect if his heart was lying to her or not. She forced herself away from him. Love you she said to herself. “Good luck.”
“I’ll text you later?”
“Or call?” She knew she sounded desperate.
He smiled. “Bye, Lauren.”
She opened the door, “Bye.” And she got out without looking back for fear she’d beg him to stay.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Lauren had left Colton all the information. Where she lived. The airport. The time of the memorial. And as she got in her parents’ brand new, fully-loaded Toyota Highlander, she felt, even more than usual, how much space was in it, space they hadn’t needn’t for a long time.
She was grateful she hadn’t mentioned Colton coming. Deep down, she figured he wouldn’t show. As much as it pained her, Colton had demons he had to work through, and Lauren couldn’t fix them all, even if she wanted to. He went hot and cold within the same conversation. Why did she think it’d be any different this time?
Lauren checked her phone, and as they approached the church where she would be singing and where the community would gather for the memorial, Colton popped up.
Could he be here? Her belly flip-flopped. Maybe his flight got delayed, or maybe he got lost or maybe…she didn’t care, she just hoped he’d come.
Sorry, Lauren. I can’t make it, the text read.
All the wind was knocked out of her lungs just at the moment her dad put the car in park. She held her stomach as if she might be sick, and her mom noticed.
“You okay, Lauren? Everything okay?”
How was anything like this ever okay? We’re mourning Shelby all over again. Probably every year at this time. For the rest of our lives. Yeah, things are just perfect.
“Yeah, Mom. Everything’s fine.”
“Lauren,” her mother said. “Do not take that tone with me. This isn’t easy for any of us. It’s not just you who mourns. We all do.”
And Lauren had no idea what came over her. But the air gushed out of her lungs, and her hand landed on the handle of the door, and she opened it and slammed it, and walked. Walked in the complete other direction of the church’s door.
Where am I going? What am I doing?
But tears streamed down her face as her father followed, and soon her mother, and Lauren began to run, her father too fast, grabbing hold of her, and securing her tightly in place in some kind of wrestler hold from his wrestling days.
“Lauren!”
Lauren squirmed and kicked.
“Lauren!” he yelled again. “Cut it out. Just. Cut. It. Out.”
“What has gotten into you?” Lauren’s mother said, her hand over her mouth, her eyes darting to make sure no one saw them or heard them. “We’re going to be late! For your sister! Remember her? The reason you’re here! Has school made you forget already about
your flesh and…”?
“There it is. Right there! I’m NOT flesh and blood, am I? I never was. Never will be. Aren’t I such a disappointment? Don’t you wish it were me?!” Lauren screamed.
Her dad let her go and stepped back, and drew Lauren’s mom into his arms, the look of shock on all their faces.
Lauren was horrified at what she had just said. The look on their faces pained her. She had never behaved this way before, and yet, she couldn’t change it now, and she ran further on, nobody following. I’m a disappointment.
When she found herself next to a bus station a mile or two away, she sat and read Colton’s latest message—I’m sorry.
Fuck you, Colton. And Lauren flung her phone across the road to incoming traffic, hopping on a bus she knew led to the only place she knew to go. Home.
She went straight to bed and pretended to sleep when she heard her bedroom door open and then, close. When the house was silent, she turned on her light, looked around at her walls, and dreamed of Juilliard.
She got a new phone the moment the store opened the next morning, made her way to the airport to find the soonest available flight back, and left a little note for her parents. She didn’t know what had gotten into her.
*****
Colton knew he’d said sorry too many times to her. He knew he’d have explaining to do. He was sad he wasn’t able to be there. For her. For himself.
“That should just about do it,” the doctor said, cutting the thread from the stitches off. “These should dissolve in a couple weeks, but you’ll have a little scar.”
Colton thought about the last time he’d stood up to his father, finally as big as him, and the scar he got from that one, right on his collarbone, the one he wore proudly under the hemp necklace he began wearing and never took off, something his mom made for him that very next day when he returned from the hospital.
But his mom let him down again, and he should have never listened to her when she asked Colton to go visit him. But it’s difficult being a boy without a real father, a boy lost, a boy who wants to be a better person, but doesn’t have all the right tools to do so.
Play Only For Me: (A New Adult Romance) Page 13
