Uncle John’s True Crime

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  What is hybristophilia? Being attracted to someone who has committed a violent crime—also known as “Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome.”

  AFTERMATH

  Philip Arnold and John Slack made off with $650,000, which in 1872 should have set them up for life. Neither of them fared very well, though: Arnold moved to Kentucky and bought a 500-acre farm. When the law eventually tracked him down, he paid a reported $150,000 to settle the claims against him, then used the remaining money to start his own bank. Six years after the diamond hoax, he was injured in a shootout with another banker; he died from pneumonia six months later at the age of 49.

  Less is known about Slack. He apparently blew through his share of the loot and had to go back to work, first as a coffin maker in Missouri and then as a funeral director in New Mexico. When he died there in 1896 at the age of 76, he left an estate valued at only $1,600.

  Uncovering and exposing the fraud gave Clarence King’s career a huge boost; in 1879 he became the first director of the U.S. Geological Survey. But he was a better geologist than he was a businessman, as he learned to his dismay in 1881 when he quit working for the government and took up ranching. He failed at that, then went on to fail at mining and banking. He died penniless in 1901 at the age of 59.

  FOOL’S GOLD

  So did anyone come out ahead from the experience? Apparently only Henry Janin, the mining engineer who had vouched for the authenticity of the diamond field. He suffered a blow to his reputation when the hoax was exposed, but by then he’d already sold his $10,000 worth of shares to another investor for $40,000. Janin was never implicated in the scam; as far as anyone knows, his good fortune was just a case of dumb luck.

  JAIL FOOD FOLLIES

  Are you sick of the cafeteria? Tired of the same old fast food? Then maybe you’d like to sample the cuisine at your local prison. Bon apétit!

  PRISON: Rockwood Institution, Winnipeg, Canada

  FOOD: Lobster and liquor

  STORY: In August 2002, prison officials reported that a “well-connected” inmate had managed to make prison a four-star dining experience for his fellow inmates. They said that Ronald Hickey, 48, who was serving a nine-year sentence for drug convictions, had somehow smuggled over a ton of gourmet seafood and liquor into the prison. The officials couldn’t prove it, though: the accusations were based solely on tips from inmate informants—any actual evidence is believed to have been eaten.

  PRISON: Pozo Almonte jail in Santiago, Chile

  FOOD: French bread sticks

  STORY: Prison officials couldn’t figure out why prisoners were suddenly so fond of French baguettes, prompting a huge rise in deliveries from certain local bakeries. But a November 2002 search of one of the bakeries discovered the secret ingredient: the bread sticks were being hollowed out and filled with marijuana.

  PRISON: Caledonia County Work Camp, Vermont

  FOOD: Beer and cigarettes

  STORY: In December 2001, Mark Delude, a prisoner at this work camp for nonviolent offenders, crawled under the fence surrounding the site, and took off. How far did he get? About a mile and a half, to the nearest convenience store. Delude wasn’t trying to escape, he just wanted some beer and smokes. He bought a case of beer and a carton of cigarettes, and had a few of both before trying to sneak back into prison with the rest of his booty. Guards caught the slightly inebriated Delude standing outside his tent...and shipped him off to a more secure facility. “I don’t remember ever trying to catch people trying to break back in before,” said State Police Officer George Hacking. “But nothing surprises me.”

  In 2001 William Petersen (CSI’s Gil Grissom) lobbied Congress for more crime-lab funding.

  HEY! I’M BEING

  ATTACKED WITH...

  Okay, drop the pork chop and come out with your hands up.

  ...A FISH. In 2005 a woman in Saginaw, Michigan, was charged with assault after she attacked her boyfriend with a mounted swordfish. She had pulled it off the wall during an argument and stabbed him with the fish’s long, sharp bill. He was treated at the scene; she was arrested.

  ...A CHIHUAHUA. In June 2006, a woman in St. Peters, Missouri, bought a Chihuahua puppy from a dog breeder. When the animal died a short time later, the woman went to the breeder’s house, walked in, and, according to news reports, “hit the breeder over the head numerous times with the dead puppy.” Then, as she fled in her car, she waved the dead Chihuahua out of the sunroof while yelling threats and obscenities at the breeder.

  ...A POOPER-SCOOPER. In 2006 Leisa Reed, 47, walked into a Waukesha, Wisconsin, home in the middle of the night, wildly swinging a pooper-scooper. The home owners, John and Linda Dormer, tried to tell Reed she was in the wrong house, but Reed wasn’t listening. John Dormer was hit in the face with the pooper-scooper and then fought for his life as the crazed woman came at him with two pairs of scissors. Police finally arrived and, although Reed was only 5'2" and weighed a mere 105 pounds, it took five officers, three stun gun shots, leg straps, and a large bag to finally subdue her. The fact that she was high on crack cocaine made her seemingly superhuman, police said. (She got two years in prison.)

  ...A PORK CHOP. A 45-year-old Australian man in Roma, Queensland, was helping his son move out of an apartment he had been evicted from when an argument broke out over a refrigerator. The fridge apparently belonged to one family, and the meat inside it to another. During the melee that followed, a woman grabbed a frozen pork chop and hit the father in the head. He was taken to the hospital to get stitches. The Australian Broadcast Company reported that the woman was charged with “assault with a pork chop,” adding that the “the weapon has been removed from the scene...and probably eaten.”

  You need a law for that? In Xenia, Ohio, it’s a crime to spit on a salad bar.

  ...A PROSTHETIC LEG. A teenager with a prosthetic leg in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, was attacked by two other teens in September 2006. The two boys pulled 17-year-old Michael Williams out of his car, pulled off his prosthetic leg, and beat him with it. Alexander Harris, 17, and an unnamed 16-year-old were charged with felony assault. Williams thinks the two probably attacked him simply because he was disabled. “What motivates someone to do that, I have no idea,” he said.

  ...A FISH (AGAIN). Alan Bennie was walking through a park in Grangemouth, Scotland, when 22-year-old David Evans approached him, holding a fish. According to prosecutor Neil MacGregor, Evans then asked Bennie, “Do you want to kiss my fish?” MacGregor continued, “Mr. Bennie made no reply, at which point the accused said: ‘You answer me next time I ask you to kiss a fish,’ and slapped him round the face with it.” Evans pleaded guilty to “assault with a fish” and was sentenced to six months in prison.

  ...A TOILET. In February 2006, a father and son were in their home in Chamberlain, Texas, watching the Super Bowl when they heard a noise outside. Looking down the street, they saw a man and woman in a heated argument that looked like it might turn violent, so they rushed over to intervene. The man pulled out a knife and was able to wound both the father and son. Luckily, a discarded toilet was lying nearby, so the father grabbed a piece of the bowl and clobbered the man, who was taken to the hospital... for head injuries. Then he was throne in jail, the loo-ser. (He’s in the can now.)

  * * *

  A POLICE WORD ORIGIN

  The term “M.O.” from the Latin modus operandi (“mode of operating”) was first applied to catching crooks based on their habits in the 1880s. The theory was developed by English constable Major L. W. Atcherley.

  Police dogs are sometimes trained in a foreign language so that criminals can’t command them.

  ARGH, MATEYS!

  Here’s a swashbuckling article from Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Canada about pirates and privateers. Both occupations require the same skills: looting, murdering, plundering, and kidnapping. The only real difference is sponsorship—a pirate works for himself and his crew, but a privateer is sanctioned by his own government as long as he pays a portion of his loot and att
acks (mostly) its enemies’ ships. Here are some of the most legendary Canadian criminals to ever hit the high seas.

  ROBERT CHEVALIER DE BEAUCHÊNE

  How he lived: Even before Robert Chevalier de Beauchêne became a privateer, he lived a storied life. Whether the stories were true is another matter—Chevalier had a reputation of exaggerating. In 1693, at the age of seven, Chevalier ran away from his home near Montreal (or maybe was kidnapped...no one knows for sure) and was adopted by an Iroquois tribe. His parents retrieved him a year or two later, but Chevalier had already gotten a taste of adventure. He soon ran away again, this time attaching himself to a band of Algonquins who had sided with French colonists fighting British invaders. While helping to defend the settlement of Louisbourg, Nova Scotia, Chevalier met up with a group of Acadian privateers. He was so dazzled by their tales of life on the high seas that he joined their crew. After an apprenticeship spent pillaging English colonies along the North American coast, he got a ship and crew and struck out on his own.

  What became of him: Canada remained his home port, but Chevalier died in France in 1731 while dueling for a woman’s affections.

  PETER EASTON

  How he lived: Not all pirates start out bad. Peter Easton was a naval officer from a distinguished military family. In 1602, Queen Elizabeth I gave him three warships and sent him to Newfoundland to protect its fishing fleet from pirates and the encroachments of the Spanish. Easton had a great year in Newfoundland piloting his ship, the Happy Adventure, through a series of lucrative encounters. Unfortunately, the next year something terrible happened: peace broke out. When James I succeeded Elizabeth, he promptly negotiated a treaty with Spain and canceled all privateer commissions. Easton, suddenly out of a job, decided to ignore his new orders. Over the next few years, he bought more ships and “recruited” large crews. (Actually, he press-ganged Newfoundland fishermen to work on his ships.) He continued to attack Spanish vessels, but also decided to diversify, demanding protection money from English ships as well. He even blockaded the busy Bristol Channel in southwestern England, demanding tolls from any ship that wanted to pass through. Eventually, Easton became one of the most successful pirates of the 17th century.

  FBI’s first “Public Enemy #1”: Al Capone.

  What became of him: Sometimes crime does pay. Around 1610, after several years of pirating, Easton retired to Savoy in southern France with about 2 million pounds’ worth of gold. There, he married a noblewoman, attained the title of Marquis of Savoy, and lived for at least another 10 years before apparently dying peacefully.

  JOHN NUTT

  How he lived: John Nutt became a pirate without going through the legal pretense of first being a privateer. Born in England, Nutt visited Newfoundland as a gunner on a ship in 1620. He loved the town of Torbay and resettled his family there before embarking on a life of piracy in the Gulf of Saint Lawrence and the Irish Sea. Nutt was an equal-opportunist who offered protection to English and French settlements alike...for a price. He also recruited sailors by offering regular wages and commissions, a pay and benefit package that lured many men away from the Royal Navy.

  What became of him: We don’t know. He almost died by hanging in 1623, but George Calvert, an English politician who had been one of Nutt’s protection clients, intervened and had him released. Nutt was still pirating as of 1632, but after that, he disappeared.

  PIERRE LE MOYNE D’IBERVILLE

  How he lived: He was born in Montreal, but had family ties to France. As a sailor and privateer, d’Iberville became renowned for siding with the French to drive English settlers out of Newfoundland. Despite a 1687 “live-and-let-fish” treaty, which allowed the English and French to coexist and fish in the Grand Banks, d’Iberville led raiding parties that terrorized towns along the coast. Over four months in the winter of 1696–97, d’Iberville and his men destroyed 36 settlements. For his splendid work, the French government sent him to the area that’s now Louisiana so he could set up a garrison to ward off English ships. Then in 1706, d’Iberville captured the English-held Caribbean island of Nevis and made plans to attack the Carolina colony on the North American mainland. He traveled to Havana, Cuba, to recruit Spanish aid for that venture.

  Duh! A hijacker once took over a public bus in Argentina—and insisted on being driven to Cuba.

  What became of him: In Havana, he caught yellow fever and died. Colonists up and down the North American coast breathed a sigh of relief.

  JOSEPH BAKER

  How he lived: Some pirates weren’t worthy of waving the Jolly Roger. Take Canadian-born Joseph Baker. In 1800, he signed on to the merchant schooner Eliza. With two other crewman he’d recruited for his plot, Baker attacked the first mate during a night watch and tossed him overboard. Then the men went after the captain, William Wheland, wounding him in a brief skirmish and taking him hostage. But during a discussion of where to sell the ship’s cargo, the mutineers realized that none of them actually knew how to navigate the ship. Sensing an opportunity, Wheland offered to sail them anywhere they wanted...if they spared his life. Baker agreed, but he wasn’t an honorable man. When Wheland learned that Baker intended to murder him as soon as they sighted land, he locked the other conspirators in the hold, caught Baker by surprise, and chased him up the mainmast.

  What became of him: Wheland kept Baker up there, lashed to the mast, until they landed on St. Kitts in the West Indies, and then turned him over to the authorities. After a four-day trial in April 1800, Baker and his pals were hanged.

  HONORABLE MENTION: THE SALADIN MUTINEERS

  How they lived: During the mid-1800s, Peruvian guano (excrement from seabirds) was a valuable commodity for manufacturing fertilizer and gunpowder. In 1844, the Saladin, a three-masted British ship, sailed from the coast of Peru carrying a huge load of guano and a small fortune in silver. Onboard were a man named George Fielding and his 12-year-old son. The elder Fielding, it turned out, was a guano smuggler on the run from Peruvian authorities. He convinced a half-dozen crewmen to take control of the ship and kill the captain and five others. Later, though, the mutineers became suspicious of Fielding and threw both him and his son overboard. Near Country Harbour in Nova Scotia, they decided to run the ship aground and make off with the cargo.

  Handwriting analysis was used to detect forgery in ancient Rome.

  What became of them: Soon after, Canadian authorities caught the six men and put them on trial. Four were found guilty and hanged, but two others were acquitted—the jury believed they’d only joined the mutiny out of fear that they’d be killed.

  * * *

  CANADIANS ON THE ROCK

  The prisoner who spent the most time in the notorious prison on San Francisco’s Alcatraz Island was Canadian. Alvin “Old Creepy” Karpis was born (without the nickname and with Karpowicz as his last name) in Montreal in 1908. By his 10th birthday, he’d fallen in with a bad crowd that corrupted his morals and shortened his last name. First arrested for burglary in 1926, Old Creepy got hired into an entry-level position in the murderous Barker Gang and quickly worked his way up the ladder to an upper management position, increasing gang profits by innovating a successful strategy of kidnapping industrialists for ransom. Victims included William Hamm Jr. of the Hamm’s Brewing Company (netting $100,000, the equivalent of $1.5 million in modern money) and Edward Bremer, president of a Minnesota bank ($200,000/$3 million). As proof of his commitment to the organization, Karpis had his fingerprints surgically removed so he couldn’t be traced easily.

  Unfortunately, United States bureaucrats caught him anyway and arrested him in 1936, sending him briefly to Leavenworth prison in Kansas, and finally to Alcatraz. When Alcatraz closed in 1962, Karpis was transferred to McNeil Island Penitentiary in Washington where he taught a young Charles Manson (whom Karpis called “lazy and shifless”) how to play guitar. In 1969 he was deported to Canada. He died in 1979.

  America’s last train robbery took place in the BRI’s home town of Ashland, Oregon (1923).

  MOD
ERN PIRACY

  The Somali pirates that we see on the news are a far cry from the peg-legged, parrot-shouldered, arrrr-sayin’ marauders of yesteryear. Instead of swords and periscopes, these new pirates carry assault rifles and satellite phones. And, as twisted as it may seem, they’ve become folk heroes to a nation in turmoil.

  THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE ON EARTH

  Few countries are more unstable and chaotic than Somalia. Located on the Horn of Africa, the continent’s eastern-most point, Somalia lies right next to the Gulf of Aden and its busy shipping lanes, carrying passengers and cargo from all over the world.

  In 1991 Somalia’s government collapsed, leaving its nine million citizens to endure two decades of insurgencies, civil war, genocide, famine, drought, corruption, and crime. In 2008 more than 1,800 civilians were killed in violent clashes, and by the next year, more than 1.3 million people were displaced within Somalia and another 330,000 had fled to neighboring countries. Thousands more died from starvation and disease. Although there’s now a U.N.-backed government in power, it’s spending most of its resources fighting a fringe Islamic insurgency. And with no navy patrolling Somalia’s waters, other nations have taken the opportunity to overfish the waters and dump their toxic waste there. But it’s in those same waters that many Somalis see their salvation.

  SEEKING NEW OPPORTUNITIES

  With little hope at home and few prospects if they flee, some young Somali men have taken to a life of piracy. It’s not much more dangerous than trying to survive on the war-torn streets, and the pay is a lot better: A pirate can make $10,000 for a successful raid. (Somalia’s average wage is below $650 per year.)