Uncle John’s True Crime

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  * * *

  MYTH-CONCEPTION

  Myth: If you get arrested, you’re entitled to make one phone call.

  Fact: There’s no law anywhere that guarantees this. It’s just a courtesy or privilege offered, not a legal right. (Some jurisdictions might even let you make a second phone call.)

  Only woman to rob a stagecoach and survive: Pearl Hart, in 1899.

  THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW

  The syndicated TV show Celebrity Justice asked a slew of celebrities to finish this sentence: There oughta be a law...

  “...against people who scrape their silverware on plates. I hate that.”

  —Rebecca Romijn

  “...against people who get into the ‘10 items or less’ line with more than 10 items and use a credit card where it says ‘cash only.’”

  —Samuel L. Jackson

  “...against people who make jokes that aren’t jokes. Like when you say, ‘Is today Tuesday?’ And somebody says, ‘All day!’ That’s not a joke. Not funny. Don’t say it.”

  —Hank Azaria

  “...that if you are a good driver, and you have a reasonable IQ, you should be able to drive any speed you want.”

  —Jenna Elfman

  “...against honking your horn unless it’s absolutely necessary. Otherwise you’re going to drive everybody crazy, the stress level will come up, people will be fighting in the streets. Don’t honk your horn!”

  —Dick Clark

  “...against people coming into a meeting, in close quarters, with bad breath.”

  —Coolio

  “...against people that when they give you your change at the cash register, that they put the dollar down first, and then the change.”

  —Elizabeth Perkins

  “...that if a guy gets dumped by a woman on national TV, he should get half of everything she owns. I mean that’s how it works in the real world.”

  —Charlie, The Bachelorette

  “...and a serious fine for people who don’t pick up their dog turd, and I want them to be thrown in jail.”

  —Marg Helgenberger, CSI

  “...that the whole world sort of adopts Spain’s timetable, where you sort of take the whole day off to relax and have fun.”

  —David Arquette

  “...that people smile at at least three people every day.”

  —Orlando Bloom

  Arrrgh! More than 70% of the world’s pirated goods come from China.

  IT’S A WEIRD,

  WEIRD CRIME

  As we near the end of this True Crime collection, Uncle John wanted to make sure we included these folks—some of the oddest lawbreakers of all-time. (Read it or he’ll steal your hairpiece.)

  TO TELL THE TOOTH

  “A toothless man has been arrested for stealing toothbrushes. According to O Dia newspaper, 32-year-old Ednor Rodrigues was filmed taking seven toothbrushes from a supermarket in Ribeirao Preto, Brazil. When he was approached by the police, he tried to deny the robbery—even showing the officers his toothless mouth. He finally admitted to the crime: ‘I don’t know why I did it. I know it was stupid. I have no teeth, what was I thinking?’”

  —Sunday Mail [Scotland]

  SCALPED

  “Paul J. Goudy, of Lemoyne, Pennsylvania, was sentenced to 23 months probation after pleading guilty to theft by unlawfully taking a man’s hairpiece. Last January, Edward Floyd was sitting at a Harrisburg restaurant when Goudy ripped the hairpiece off Floyd. Restaurant witnesses identified Goudy and when questioned by police he admitted that he’d done it on a dare—a friend had offered him $100 to steal the hairpiece. Dauphin County Judge Richard A. Lewis also fined Goudy $500 and ordered him to write a letter of apology to Floyd.”

  —United Press International

  COMPUTERCIDE

  “George Doughty of Lafayette, Colorado, won’t have any more problems with his computer. He was accused of shooting his Dell laptop four times with a Smith & Wesson revolver in the middle of his Sportsman’s Inn Bar and Restaurant. He then allegedly hung the remains of the laptop on the wall ‘like a hunting trophy,’ said Lt. Rick Bashor of the Lafayette Police Department.

  Real Headline: SHOOTING REPORTED AT FIRING RANGE

  “Doughty, 48, who owns the establishment, entered the bar from his office and told the two patrons and bartender that he was going to shoot his computer. He then set his laptop on the floor, warned the customers to cover their ears and fired away. Doughty never explained what prompted his actions, but told police that ‘it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.’”

  —Court TV

  KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE, NOT THE PIES

  “A 280-lb. thief broke into a Romanian bakery and stole $250, but couldn’t resist the sweet temptation. He got stuck trying to exit through a window—after stuffing himself full of pies. The 29-year-old man was still stuck there in the morning when the shop owner, Vasile Mandache, arrived for work. He said, ‘I saw all the pie wrappers on the floor, and then saw a pair of stubby, fat legs hanging out the window. I just had to call my friends to come and have a look before we called the police, it was so funny.’”

  —Short News

  A PIG’S RANSOM

  “‘Raw fruit and vegetables—or else the pigs get it!’ That’s what a Gallatin, Tennessee, woman read in a ransom note after a pair of concrete swine were swiped from her front yard. The foot-tall plaster porkers, one dressed in farmer’s overalls and the other in a pink dress, vanished from in front of Mary Romines’ trailer. Other pieces of statuary, including concrete chickens and a few other pigs, were disturbed, but not taken. Tacked to the front gate was a note with a specific demand: two ears of corn and one ripe mango.

  “Two days after the piggies, worth about $10 each, flew the coop, Romines got another menacing message—a well-done pork chop attached to a note reading, ‘Cooked the Pig.’ The next night, another note raised the demands—a potato in addition to the corn and mango. Signed ‘The Big Bad Wolf’ and accompanied by a bag of pork rinds, the note asked Romines if she was scared. ‘They think they have me buffaloed, but now I’m mad,’ Romines said. ‘They may think it’s funny, but they’re going to be charged with theft.’ Police agreed that the perpetrator will be criminally charged. The case remains under investigation.”

  —Fox News

  Justice denied: One in three murderers are never convicted.

  TALK TO THE SWORD

  On page 34, we told you a bit about the hit of notorious New York mobster Dutch Schultz. But his story didn’t end with a bullet. Here’s the grisly story of his bizarre last words.

  BACKGROUND

  On October 23, 1935, 33-year-old Dutch Schultz (real name: Arthur Flegenheimer) was dining at the Palace Chop house, a restaurant in Newark, New Jersey, that also served as a mob hideout. Schultz was in the bathroom when three Murder, Inc. hit men working for a rival gang burst in—“Charlie the Bug” Workman, Emanuel Weiss, and a third man known only as “Piggy.” They went into the back room and shot Schultz’s associates Otto Berman, Abe Landau, and Lulu Rosenkrantz. Schultz heard the shots but couldn’t stop urinating fast enough to flee.

  While he was still peeing, the hit men came into the bathroom. Schultz turned around and they shot him in the stomach. The bullet pierced his liver, colon, and gall bladder, and exited out his back.

  Not wanting to be found dead with his pants unzipped in a men’s room, Schultz stumbled into the restaurant; Rosenkrantz, still alive, called an ambulance from a phone booth and then collapsed. The police arrived first and loaded Schultz up on brandy to numb the pain. It didn’t work. When they finally got to the hospital, Newark police sergeant Luke Conlon interrogated Schultz. In a state of physical agony, high fever, drunkenness, and morphine-induced euphoria, Schultz babbled on for nearly two hours. What follows is an actual transcript of Schultz’s talkfest.

  LAST WORDS

  Schultz: George, don’t make no bull moves. What have you done with him? Oh, mama, mama, mama. Oh stop it, stop it; eh, oh, o
h. Sure, sure, mama? Has it been in any other newspapers? Now listen, Phil, fun is fun. Aha...please! Papa! What happened to the sixteen? Oh, oh, he done it? Please...please...John, please. Oh, did you buy the hotel? You promised a million sure. Get out. I wish I knew. Please make it quick, fast, and furious. Please. Fast and furious. Please help me get out; I’m getting my wind back, thank God. Please, please, oh please. You will have to please tell him, you got no case? You get ahead with the dot dash system. Didn’t I speak that time last night. Whose number is that in your pocketbook, Phi1? 13780. Who was it? Oh, please, please. Reserve decision. Police, police, Henny and Frankie. Oh, oh, dog biscuit and when he is happy he doesn’t get snappy please, please do this. Henny, Henny, Frankie! You didn’t meet him; you didn’t even meet me. The glove will fit what I say oh, kayiyi, kayiyi. Sure, who cares? When are you through! How do you know this? How do you know this? Well, then, oh, Cocoa; no...thinks he is a grandpa again and he is jumping around. No Hoboe and Poboe I think mean the same thing.

  Number of shopping carts stolen from Los Angeles stores in 2005: 6.2 million.

  Conlon: Who shot you?

  Schultz: The boss himself.

  Conlon: He did?

  Schultz: Yes, I don’t know.

  Conlon: What did he shoot you for?

  Schultz: I showed him, boss; did you hear him meet me? An appointment. Appeal stuck. All right, mother.

  Conlon: Was it the boss shot you?

  Schultz: Who shot me? No one.

  Conlon: We will help you.

  Schultz: Will you help me up? Okay, I won’t be such a big creep. Oh, mama. I can’t go through with it, please. Oh, and then he clips me; come on. Cut that out, we don’t owe a nickel; fold it; instead, fold it against him; I am a pretty good pretzeler. Winifred—Department of Justice. I even got it from the department. Sir, please stop it. Say listen, the last night.

  Conlon: What did they shoot you for?

  Schultz: I don’t know, sir. Honestly I don’t. I don’t even know who was with me, honestly. I went to the toilet and when I reached the...the the boy came at me.

  Conlon: The big fellow gave it to you?

  Schultz: Yes, he gave it to me.

  Conlon: Do you know who the big fellow was?

  Schultz: No. See, George, if we wanted to break the ring. No, please I get a month. They did it. Come on. (Unintelligible) cut me off and says you are not to be the beneficiary of this will. I will be checked and double-checked and please pull for me. Will you pull? How many good ones and how many bad ones? Please! I had nothing with him. He was a cowboy in one of the seven days a week fight. No business; no hangout; no friends; nothing; just what you pick up and what you need. I don’t know who shot me. Don’t put anyone near this check—you might have—oh, please, please do it for me. Let me get up, sir, heh? In the olden days they waited and they waited. Please give me a shot. It is from the factory. Sure, that is a bad. Well, oh good ahead that happens for crying. I don’t want harmony. I want harmony. Oh, mama, mama! Who give it to him? Who give it to him? Let me in the district-fire-factory that he was nowhere near. It smoldered. No, no. There are only ten of us and there are ten million fighting somewhere in front of you, so get your onions up and we will throw up the truce flag. Oh, please let me up. Please shift me. Police are here. Communistic...strike... baloney. Please, honestly this is a habit I get; sometimes I give it and sometimes I don’t. Oh, I am all in. That settles it. Are you sure? Please let me get in and eat. Let him harass himself to you and then bother you. Please don’t ask me to go there. I don’t want to. I still don’t want him in the path. It is no need to stage a riot. The sidewalk was in trouble and the bears were in trouble and I broke it up. Please put me in that room. Please keep him in control. My gilt-edged stuff and those dirty rats have tuned in. Please mother, don’t tear, don’t rip; that is something that shouldn’t be spoken about. Please get me up, my friends. Please, look out. The shooting is a bit wild, and that kind of shooting saved a man’s life. No payrolls. No walls. No coupons. That would be entirely out. Pardon me, I forgot I am a plaintiff and not defendant. Look out. Look out for him. Please. He owes me money; he owes everyone money. Why can’t he just pull out and give me control? Please, mother, you pick me up now. Please, you know me. No. Don’t you scare me. My friends think I do a better job. Police are looking for you all over. Be instrumental in letting us know. They are Englishmen and they are a type I don’t know who is best, they or us. Oh, sir, get the doll a roofing. You can play jacks and girls do that with a softball and do tricks with it. I may take all events into consideration. No. No. And it is no. It is confused and its says no. A boy has never wept nor dashed a thousand kin. Did you hear me?

  When New York’s Sing Sing prison opened in 1826, it imposed absolute silence on the prisoners, enforced by whipping.

  Conlon: Who shot you?

  Schultz: I don’t know.

  Conlon: How many shots were fired?

  Schultz: I don’t know. None.

  Conlon: How many?

  Schultz: Two thousand. Come on, get some money in that treasury. We need it. Come on, please get it. I can’t tell you to. That is not what you have in the book. Oh, please warden. What am I going to do for money? Please put me up on my feet at once. You are a hard-boiled man. Did you hear me? I would hear it, the Circuit Court would hear it, and the Supreme Court might hear it. If that ain’t the payoff. Please crack down on the Chinaman’s friends and Hitler’s commander. I am sore and I am going to give you honey if I can. Mother is the best bet and don’t let Satan draw you too fast.

  Conlon: What did the big fellow shoot you for?

  Schultz: Him? John? Over a million, five million dollars.

  Conlon: John shot you, we will take care of John.

  Schultz: That is what caused the trouble. Look out. Please get me up. If you do this, you can go on and jump right here in the lake. I know who they are. They are French people. All right. Look out, look out. Oh, my memory is gone. A work relief police. Who gets it? I don’t know and I don’t want to know, but look out. It can be traced. He changed for the worse. Please look out; my fortunes have changed and come back and went back since that. It was desperate. I am wobbly. You ain’t got nothing on him but we got it on his helper.

  Conlon: Control yourself.

  Schultz: But I am dying.

  Conlon: No, you are not.

  Schultz: Move on, Mick and mama. All right, dear, you have got to get it.

  (Schultz’s wife, Francis, arrives.)

  Mrs. Schultz: This is Francis.

  Schultz: Then pull me out. I am half crazy. They won’t let me get up. They dyed my shoes. Open those shoes. Give me something. I am so sick. Give me some water, the only thing that I want. Open this up and break it so I can touch you. Dennie, please get me in the car.

  Conlon: Who shot you?

  Schultz: I don’t know. I didn’t even get a look. I don’t know who can have done it. Anybody. Kindly take my shoes off. (They’re already off.) No. There is a handcuff on them. The Baron does these things. I know what I am doing here with my collection of papers. It isn’t worth a nickel to two guys like you or me but to a collector it is worth a fortune. It is priceless. I am going to turn it over to—turn you back to me, please Henry. I am so sick now. The police are getting many complaints. Look out. I want that G-note. Look out for Jimmy Valentine for he is an old pal of mine. Come on, Jim, come on. Okay, okay, I am all through. Can’t do another thing. Look out mama, look out for her. You can’t beat him. Police, mama, Helen, mother, please take me out. I will settle the indictment. Come on, open the soap duckets. The chimney sweeps. Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth! Please come help me up, Henry. Max, come over here. French-Canadian bean soup. I want to pay. Let them leave me alone.

  Schultz died two hours later, without saying another word.

  In Malaysia, drunk drivers are jailed...and so are their spouses.

  HEY, I RECOGNIZE

  THAT BUTT CRACK!

  Well,
I do. What do you want me to say?

  In November 1997, Minneapolis native Tom Tipton, 63, got the thrill of his life when he was invited to sing the national anthem before a Minnesota Vikings football game. Across town, an off-duty sheriff was watching the pregame show—and recognized Tipton’s name. Tipton, it turned out, was wanted on two warrants in Minneapolis. He was arrested during the game.

  • In 2006 a man in Mill Valley, California, was arrested after he called a bomb threat into a Walgreen’s pharmacy. The clerk who answered the phone recognized his voice: The man had just been at the counter to get a prescription filled, and had called in the threat because he thought it was taking too long.

  • In 2001 Chicago police arrested 19-year-old Marque Love on bank robbery charges. Love had once worked at the bank, and a teller recognized him—by his distinctive blue suede shoes.

  • In 2006 Robert Russel Moore of Prince Frederick, Maryland, was arrested and charged with the robbery of an Arby’s restaurant where he was recently employed. At the subsequent trial, four of his former fellow employees testified that, although he was wearing a mask, they recognized Moore in surveillance tapes—especially when he bent over and they recognized his “butt crack” above the top of his pants. A former manager also testified that he had talked to Moore repeatedly about his “butt crack problem.” Moore was sentenced to 10 years in prison.