Wall of Silence

by Dorey Whittaker

  After checking into the hospital and getting Susan settled in a labor room, Scott came out to the waiting room. “Lisa, Susan and I would like you to scrub and put on a gown and come into the delivery with us. We both want you to be there when our baby arrives.”

  Humbled by this invitation, Lisa gave her brother-in-law a hug. She had grown to love him, and his willingness to share this special moment with her was almost more than she could handle. She quickly tried to lighten the moment with a joke. “Okay, Scott, but I want to stand up near her head. I don’t think I actually want to see the baby come out.”

  He laughed and grabbed her hand and led her to the gowns. “I’m not so sure I do either. We’ll have to help each other in there.”

  Within two hours they were wheeling Susan into the delivery room while Scott and Lisa stood on either side of her, talking to her and wiping her face. The doctor offered to tilt the mirror so they could see, but all three, almost in unison, said, “No, thank you.”

  With one final push, little Lisa Anne joined the family. After allowing Mommy a quick peek, the nurse took the baby to the other side of the delivery room to clean her up and take all the birth measurements. Lisa followed the nurse and stood there looking down into the sweet little face of her niece. Lisa was nine when Susan was born, and Lisa Anne looked just like she remembered Susan. Her little hands were so tiny and her little mouth had the cutest little pucker.

  When the nurse was finished, she tightly bundled Lisa Anne and took her back to her mommy. As Susan held her daughter for the first time, Scott put his arm around her and gave her a kiss. Little Lisa Anne was the most beautiful baby Scott had ever seen. Watching this woman he loved more than life, kissing and cooing to his new little daughter, Scott’s chest felt like it would burst.

  After the three of them enjoyed a few minutes with the baby, the nurse instructed Scott and Lisa to leave so they could get Mommy and baby to their room. Besides, there was family out in the waiting room anxious to hear.

  Bill, Caroline, Aunt Gladys, and Harry were standing around the waiting room as Scott and Lisa walked out. It was too soon after having her own baby for Carol Anne to come, but Harry was there waiting to hear all about the new baby cousin. Lisa moved over by Aunt Gladys, allowing Scott to have the floor.

  Scott stood there grinning at everyone for a second or two. “Susan did great, and we are the proud parents of a healthy, eight-pound baby girl! Her name is Lisa Anne Thomas, and she’s beautiful.”

  He could barely finish without starting to cry. He was so overcome with emotion he had to sit down.

  Once she was certain Scott had finished his announcement, Lisa grabbed Gladys’s arm and led her to the nursery so they could have a look at the baby. “Isn’t she beautiful, Gladys? They named her after me. Can you believe it?”

  ***

  The two women stayed in Atlanta for three weeks, keeping the two households running smoothly. Almost every evening Lisa baked something scrumptious, and both Scott and Harry dreaded getting on a scale. Auntie Lisa was allowed to help give Lisa Anne her very first bath. The night before Lisa was to leave, Scott decided to take some special photos of the three of them. He posed Susan in the big overstuffed chair in the living room with baby Lisa Anne in her lap. He then had Auntie Lisa sit on the chair’s arm with her arm around her sister. Lisa was wearing a smart box-jacket suit she had knit herself. It was a lovely outfit, and she radiated with health and happiness. She had gone to the beauty shop that afternoon and gotten her hair cut and styled, and she looked wonderful.

  Scott took four or five different shots to make sure they got a good picture. When finished, Lisa offered to take some pictures of the three of them, so Scott held Lisa Anne in one arm and put his other around Susan. They were both so happy, and the photos showed it. Scott promised to send copies to Lisa.

  A few days later, without telling anyone what he was doing, Scott slipped several of these photos, plus one or two from their wedding, into an envelope and sent them to Mrs. Miller, along with this note.

  Dear Mrs. Miller,

  I thought you might like to have these. Both your daughters are doing well and are very happy. Enclosed you will find a photo of your first granddaughter, Lisa Anne Thomas. You are more than welcome to come by for a visit.

  Sincerely, Scott Thomas

  Scott hoped this might break the ice with Marjorie. He couldn’t imagine any mother not being glad to see her daughters well and happy. He waited for almost a month before telling Susan what he had done. He was angry because there hadn’t even been a note or phone call, let alone a visit. He hesitated telling her at first but knew he should.

  “I’m glad you sent them, Scott. I’ve dropped her notes every once in a while but I never get a reply. I’ve told her all about Lisa and her wonderful life in Jefferson, but I have no way of knowing how she is taking it. It’s been five years since I have seen or talked to her. I guess she hasn’t changed.”

  They continued to send pictures once or twice a year, regardless of the lack of response. They always sent a picture in their Christmas card and in her birthday card. Then, when Megan was born three years later, they sent her a birth announcement with a picture of Lisa Anne holding her baby sister. Lisa Anne was now three years old and was a striking beauty. She had her mother’s looks and her daddy’s smile, and she loved her little sister.

  Susan decided to include a photo taken down at Mrs. Bascom’s bakery. In the picture, Lisa Anne was standing by Auntie Lisa, and they both had flour all over them. Lisa Anne was holding her very first batch of cookies, and she had the biggest grin on her face. Her auntie had patiently helped her mix, cut, and lift the cookies off the pan and onto a platter. Lisa Anne was certain there was nothing her auntie couldn’t do. She always loved it when she was able to visit her two aunties. She had even been promised that when she turned six, they would teach her how to knit, which made Lisa Anne very happy.

  Tucking the picture of her sister and daughter inside the envelope, Susan calculated how long it must have been since her mother and sister had seen each other. Lisa was seventeen when she ran away, and now she was in her late thirties. Except for a few photos they had sent, it had been more than twenty years since they had seen or spoken to each other. She could hardly believe it had been eight years since she had spoken with her mother, and mused, you can’t force people to love you, not even your mother.

  Megan was such a happy baby with a giggle that was infectious. Her cousin, Michael, had a way of looking at her that sent her giggles exploding through the room, and before they knew it, everyone was giggling. He was three years old, with curly red hair and bright-blue eyes. He would sit on the floor for hours playing with Megan. He had asked his mommy and daddy for a little sister exactly like cousin Megan, and although they couldn’t promise a little sister, they told him there would be a new baby soon.

  The next two years were filled with new babies. On Michael’s fourth birthday, Carol Anne delivered twins. Michael was with his grandpa for the afternoon because they were busy getting the house ready for his birthday dinner when his mother went into labor. They had known for almost three months that it was going to be twins but decided not to tell Michael. Patience is not a character quality for a four-year-old. Michael was already driving them crazy with, “When will my baby come?”

  As Michael and Grandpa pulled into the driveway Caroline came out the front door and said they needed to get to the hospital. His daddy was waiting for him when they walked into the waiting room. “Hello, birthday boy. How would you like to see your new baby brother and sister?”

  Michael squealed with happiness. He was getting two babies. He couldn’t wait to tell his cousin Lisa Anne. Michael took his daddy’s hand, and together they walked to the nursery to see his brand new babies. Michael was not happy with the fact that they could not take them home that day. After all, Megan was home with Lisa Anne.

  He wanted to name his new sister Megan, too, but his daddy said no. “We already have a Meg
an in the family. Michael, our baby girl needs her very own name. Let’s go see Mommy, and maybe we can think up a good name.”

  As they walked toward Carol Anne’s room, Harry heard Michael mumble under his breath, “I think Megan is a really good name,” but he didn’t argue about it.

  After a few minutes with his parents, Michael was convinced he had picked out the new names all by himself and wanted to be the one to go out into the waiting room and tell everyone. He walked into the waiting room, puffed out his chest with pride, and announced, “Everybody, I now have two babies and their names are William and Caroline Stephenson, because I love my grandpa and grandma. But I’m going to call them Billy and Carrie.”

  Chapter 23

  Busy is the only word to describe everyone’s life. Scott was now acting director of the company so Dad could have more time off. He and Mom were starting to take some of the vacations they had always put off. In the spring, they took Aunt Gladys along on a cruise, and the three had a great time.

  Harry was promoted to principal after completing a second master’s degree, which wasn’t easy with three little ones running around the house. Carol Anne had stopped teaching when she found out she was expecting twins, but that didn’t mean she stopped working. She had taken on volunteer work and was roping Susan into almost every activity she could dream up. But when Megan was a year-and-a-half old, Susan discovered she was expecting again. Almost thirty, Susan began to panic as she realized that she would be forty-eight and Scott would in his fifties when this baby graduated high school. She didn’t say anything until she visited the doctor, but once it was confirmed, she was surprised at the joy she felt. She loved her two little girls but really did want a little boy.

  The house was getting crowded, and they could afford to move to a bigger house, but neither of them could bear to think of leaving their bungalow or their neighborhood. They loved their wonderful neighbors and didn’t want to move.

  Whether a boy or a girl, they were definitely out of room. Scott dismantled his office, which had been in the third bedroom since they moved in, and they decided it was better to remodel than lose the house. For the next several months there were carpenters, plumbers, painters, and electricians coming and going all day long. They decided to take the back bedroom, push out the back wall and make it a master bedroom with its own bath. Then the girls could take over their old room, and the baby could have the girls’ room.

  Susan made sure everyone stayed on schedule, and by her eighth month, everything was ready for the new baby. Caroline wallpapered the girls’ new room, and Lisa Anne was allowed to help. She would stand next to her grandma handing her the smoothing brush whenever Grandma needed it. When the room was finished, Lisa Anne proudly showed everyone what she and her grandma had done. When Michael saw the room, he asked his grandma if she would help him paper his room, but he wanted boats, not flowers. Michael loved his cousin Lisa Anne, but he wanted to make sure that he was always one step ahead of her—after all, he was older.

  Scott took a few days off to paint their new bedroom, bath, and nursery. Thinking positively, they picked out boyish wallpaper with cars, trucks, and boats on it. Scott painted the lower wall a deep blue and the chair rail and windowsills a bright red. They finished everything only one week before Matthew Edward Thomas made his grand entrance into the world. He was named after Grandpa Thomas, Dad and Aunt Gladys’s father. This time, Aunt Gladys and Lisa came for a whole month, but they stayed with Bill and Caroline to give Scott and Susan some privacy.

  Matthew was born with a full head of curly blond hair and looked like his daddy’s baby pictures. He absolutely stole everyone’s heart. He was a calm baby, and nothing seemed to bother him. The girls could be playing and laughing next to him, and he would sleep right through it.

  Life began to settle down a little as Susan became more cautious about how many volunteer projects she could accept. She had three little children at home and didn’t want to be out three nights a week. Lisa Anne was almost six and Megan was almost three. Megan shadowed Lisa Anne everywhere. The girls would play in their room for hours, pretending to bake wonderful dinners for their daddy. Aunt Lisa had given them a play kitchen with all kinds of plastic food, dishes, and pans. The girls would set their play table with all the dishes, and Lisa Anne would go out in the back yard and pick flowers for the table.

  Matthew was now fourteen months old and loved going in and messing up all the girls’ hard work setting up their tea parties. He wasn’t old enough to understand that this upset his sisters; he simply wanted to be included in their play.

  Every evening, Scott would come home eager to have his playtime with his girls. He would smack his mouth as he pretended to eat their delicious meals. Megan giggled as Daddy lifted the tiny teacup to his mouth and pretended to have tea. It didn’t matter that they repeated this same game almost every evening, Megan would always giggle. She loved to see her daddy with his big long legs trying to sit on one of their little chairs. She watched his big hands trying to hold the tiny cup up to his mouth and think how silly he looked, but she loved it.

  Matthew would usually come barging in wanting his daddy to pick him up for a hug, and then both girls would tackle Daddy to the ground, and everyone got tickles and kisses. Every night, at bedtime, Mommy and Daddy would each sit on one of the girl’s beds while they took turns reading a bedtime story. All four took turns saying their nighttime prayers.

  Life was wonderful and they were happy, except for the few times a year when Susan would fall into one of her black moods and put herself to bed. Susan’s moods seemed to start about the time Lisa Anne was three and Megan came along. At first they only lasted an afternoon or overnight. But each year they came more often and lasted a little longer. By the time Lisa Anne turned six, Susan was having sleeping periods almost every month. Scott never could figure out what set off her black moods, but she would become so depressed, begging to be left alone so she could sleep. She never wanted to talk about how she was feeling and couldn’t seem to tell him why she needed so much sleep. He worried about her, but when she wasn’t having one of her black moods she was perky, happy, and full of energy.

  During one of her prolonged moods, Scott felt so desperate he asked his father if he could take some time off to stay home with the children. Bill and Caroline had noticed this pattern in Susan and had been worried for months. They didn’t know what to do or say. She seemed unapproachable during these black moods, and when they were over she wanted to forget them. “Son, what are you doing to help her deal with these moods?”

  “Dad, I don’t know what to do. If I ask her questions about why she’s depressed, she falls apart on me. I’m worried about the kids. Lisa Anne knows her mommy is hurting, and she goes around trying to make everything perfect so Susan will be happy again. I don’t want her growing up thinking it is all her fault. She already says things like, ‘If I had made Megan play quietly, Mommy wouldn’t have been sad today.’ Dad, I can’t let this go on. It’s hurting her, it’s hurting me, but most of all, it’s hurting our kids.”

  “Son, I think it’s about time you encourage her to get professional help. She needs to find out what’s causing her moods. Maybe she’ll talk to someone outside the family. It’s certainly worth a try.”

  A few days later, during one of Susan’s black moods, Scott tried to think of someone with whom she might talk. He had suggested she talk to someone on several other occasions, but every time she had resisted. Then remembering Dr. Jacobson, who had helped her during her teen years, Scott suggested she go see her. “You really respected her, remember? It couldn’t hurt to go talk to her. Honey, I know there’s something bothering you and making you depressed. Why don’t you go see Dr. Jacobson? She might help you understand what’s going on.”

  To his surprise, Susan sat up in bed and gave him a half smile. “That’s a good idea. I think I might do that. I know she’d understand, and maybe she can help me deal with this. I’ll call her tomorrow morning.”


  It took almost three weeks before Dr. Jacobson could see her. She was out of town on a speaking trip but had called for her messages and found out Susan was trying to contact her. Dr. Jacobson gave her an appointment and then suggested she start keeping a journal of her feelings. She arranged for Susan to come to her office three weeks from Friday at ten in the morning.

  She said, “I don’t need you to analyze your feelings, simply identify them. If you’re feeling sad, happy, silly, scared, homesick, it doesn’t matter. Whatever you’re feeling, write it down. Then, write what was going on at the time, where you were, and who was with you. Don’t worry about what it sounds like because that isn’t important. Also, why don’t you drop your journal off at my office on that Thursday so I can read it before we meet? It might help me better understand what you’re struggling with.”

  Susan didn’t want to do this, but she trusted Dr. Jacobson and wanted to get over whatever was causing her depression. For the next three weeks, she kept her journal with her. At first she found herself explaining why she had no reason to feel bad, going on for pages how everything was so perfect in her life. Sometimes though, she was brief and cryptic in her entry, only stating a feeling and nothing else. By the third week, she would almost forget she was writing to Dr. Jacobson and would use the journal to spill out feelings without guarding how they sounded. These were the entries that interested the doctor the most. These entries gave her a pretty good idea of what some of Susan’s struggles were.

  Dr. Jacobson’s office was warm and friendly. It was decorated to resemble a living room, and after a few minutes you almost forgot you were in a therapist’s office. She offered Susan some coffee or tea. Susan was feeling a sense of dread, as if something horrible was about to be exposed.

  Dr. Jacobson noticed her wringing her hands and fidgeting, so she came over and sat beside her and took one of her hand in hers. “Susan, you’ve gotten yourself pretty upset. Why?”