Wall of Silence

by Dorey Whittaker

  “I’ve tried to describe that look to other officers, but to say it was the look of a trapped animal is not sufficient. You see, an animal, unlike humans, can’t really reason. Yes, they know they’re trapped, but they can’t know the sick anticipation of knowing someone is coming after you, and you full well know what they are going to do to you when they get there. That’s the look I saw on that child’s face that night. She was there in that closet, waiting for her father to come after her.”

  Officer Bailey turned his emotional eyes toward the prosecutor and asked, “Do you want to know why I remember that night so vividly? It’s because I have prayed for that little girl every night for the past twenty-five years.”

  Bailey sat back, emotionally spent. He intended this to be the last time he would ever repeat this story, and everyone in the courtroom sat there in silence.

  Very early in his testimony, Lisa had put her head down on the table in front of her. She had never heard this story before. She now realized her childhood fears about abandoning her little sister had come true, and she was devastated. In all those years her sister continued to reach out to her, caring for her, Susan had never said a word about what she had gone through. Every once in awhile Lisa would lift her head and look back at her sister, mouthing the words, “I’m so sorry.”

  Scott, too, was struggling to keep his composure. Sitting in this courtroom for the past two days, hearing in such graphic detail the things done to Susan was unbearable. Without warning, a rage stronger than he had ever felt before began building inside him until he couldn’t sit there any longer. Without saying a word, he slipped out of his seat and walked out the door. He went out the side entrance of the court lobby and into the courtyard, trying to get control of his emotions. He had prepared himself for Susan having a hard time listening to all this, but he had never thought about how it would affect him. He wanted so badly to get his hands on Chuck Miller for just five minutes. Hitting his fists against a trash can, Scott let out a cry that sounded like it came from an animal. “How dare he do that to my Susan!”

  The anger quickly turned to tears as he collapsed onto the nearest bench. Every time his mind flashed on images of Susan, either in that closet, or in that kitchen, the rage would erupt again. He allowed his mind to imagine what he would do to Chuck Miller. But not wanting to stay in that anger, he would force those violent thoughts away and let the tears come. He didn’t care who was looking or what they thought. The rage and anger at knowing what this man had done to his wife felt like white heat. Finally, after several minutes of this, Scott forced himself to calm down. Once certain his rage was under control, he wiped his eyes and walked back into the courtroom. He knew Susan needed him beside her, and he needed to pull himself together for her. As he slipped into his seat, he put his arm around his wife and gave her a reassuring little hug.

  Carol Anne, who had been sitting next to Susan throughout the day’s testimony, quietly held Susan’s hand. As soon as Mr. Bailey ended his testimony Carol Anne fell apart. Susan put her arm around her friend and tried to comfort her, but Carol Anne cried, “I am so sorry you had to live with that monster. All I can think of is that little girl I knew having to live in the same house with him. I really didn’t know how bad it was. I’m so sorry.”

  “Carol Anne, please don’t. There was nothing you could have done. You were always there for me. Don’t you know you saved my life? You gave me a safe haven. You shared your home and family with me and made me feel wanted. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  Seeing the looks of pity and disbelief on everyone’s faces, Susan felt embarrassed and naked. She never wanted these people to know what she had been through. As long as they didn’t know, she could have gone on pretending it never happened. Dr. Jacobson had been trying to get her to stop the secrets for months, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell the family the truth. She had been denying it for so long, it would be as if she had been lying to them. But it was all out in the open now, and she was surprised at the sense of relief she felt.

  Sitting there looking at Officer Bailey, she felt a strange sense of comfort. She had never looked at her childhood experiences through the eyes of another person until yesterday. Having Mrs. Reiner tell about her very own private memories with such emotion, and now Officer Bailey doing the same made her feel less alone. It helped knowing there were people around her, even way back then, who cared. She remembered how alone she felt the night of the beating, sitting on that porch waiting for someone to take her somewhere… anywhere. She had no way of knowing, as she was placed in that foster home for the four months her mother was recovering, that there were two people praying for her well-being every single night.

  After Mr. Duncan announced he was finished with this witness, Judge Kirkley offered Gordon a chance to cross-examine Officer Bailey, but he simply dismissed him.

  Susan watched Kerry Bailey take his seat and thought how she could never have picked him out of line-up as the officer who had opened the closet door that night. She then realized he probably couldn’t pick her out of a crowd either, but her childhood face had been his constant companion all these years. She kept her eyes on him as he took his seat in the row across from her. She studied that kind, caring face, and then leaned over to Scott and said, “It’s time I replace that little girl’s face with this one. He too needs to have his monster go away. As soon as court is dismissed, I want to make my way over to Officer Bailey and introduce myself.”

  Chapter 34

  Susan invited Mr. Bailey back to their little rented house to meet her children and have some time to talk. Scott and Susan repeatedly thanked him for faithfully praying for her through the years, but it was when the children were brought into the living room and introduced that Kerry Bailey’s real sense of relief came. Lisa Anne looked so much like her mother around that same age, and the resemblance was strong enough to startle him. He sat on the sofa while little Matthew showed him his new toy truck.

  Mr. Bailey looked across the living room and stared at this grown-up Susan with Lisa Anne sitting on her lap. Lisa Anne was chatting happily about getting to cut out paper dolls with their babysitter, Mrs. Anderson, and Susan would smile and give her a hug. Mr. Bailey was thankful for this beautiful image and closed his eyes as he tried to imprint it in his memory. Every time the image of little Susan popped into his head from now on, he was going to replace it with the image of these two.

  After a short visit, Mr. Bailey said he needed to get back to Atlanta. As he was walking out the door, he turned around and chuckled at Scott and Susan. “You know, most of the time we pray and pray and never really know if our prayers were answered. I think God knew it was time to release me from this burden.”

  He reached out and gently patted Susan’s face as a grandfather would and smiled. “Don’t worry, Susan, after all this time I’ll keep praying for you, but now it won’t be painful.”

  Scott and Susan walked him to his car and waved as he drove off. “Scott, even though these past two days have been hard, I have this tremendous feeling of freedom. Dr. Jacobson said I would, but I didn’t believe her. I couldn’t think of anything more horrible than for you and your family to find out my secrets. It was hard enough when she forced me to face my memories. I resisted for the longest time, afraid of what it would feel like to really face them.”

  Scott put his arm around is wife and gave her a kiss, and Susan remembered something. “Dr. Jacobson told me my memories were like a whale in the ocean. She said, ‘Imagine trying to hold a giant whale underwater. You might be able to do it for a while, but eventually, that whale is going to decide to come up for air, and all the resolve in the world will not keep him under.’ She told me, but I didn’t believe her. She said, ‘The energy it takes to keep something of that size down is more exhausting than the pain of facing it, once it surfaces.’ ”

  Stopping at the front door, Susan turned to Scott and smiled. “You know, she was right. She and I spent a long time going back over my memories an
d facing them together, and I felt a real sense of freedom. But somehow, I couldn’t take the next step. I was too afraid to tell you about my past. There was always this nagging feeling that if you were ever to really find out who I was, you would change your mind about me because in my mind, who I was— was my family.”

  Wanting his response to be as gentle as possible, Scott was careful how he worded his question. “Why? Why did you think you had to hide that part of yourself from me? Susan, I’m feeling all kinds of emotions right now. I’m filled with anger at what you had to go through. I’m sorry, but I’m also feeling a little hurt that you didn’t trust me with your secret. But most of all, I’m sad that you felt you had to suffer alone. I love you, and I don’t want anymore secrets between us. Whatever it is, we’re in it together from now on.” Then, with a gentle squeeze, he added, “The whale has surfaced, and we’re all breathing clean air. Right?”

  “Right.”

  Hearing the phone ring, they hurried in to answer it. Grabbing the phone, Scott talked quietly for a few minutes and then handed it to Susan. “It’s my mom. She wants to talk to you.”

  Scott and Susan had slipped out of the courtroom so quickly they hadn’t had a chance to talk with anyone. After a few minutes of small talk, Caroline brought up the testimony. “Susan, the past few days must have been very hard for you. I couldn’t let today close without telling you how much I love you. We all knew things were bad at home for you, but we had no idea how bad. It’s so painful to think of you as a little girl, like our little Lisa Anne, being treated like that.”

  Susan simply shrugged, as if embarrassed. “Mom, I’m sorry you had to hear that. I know it made everyone uncomfortable. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t tell people. After all, there was nothing any of you could do about it. Besides, I hate when people go around whining about their terrible childhood. So many walk around wearing their wounds like some kind of war medal, repeating every ugly event they ever experienced to any poor soul they can trap into a conversation. I never wanted to be like that.”

  “I understand what you’re saying. That seems to be in fashion these days, but we’re your family and we love you. We should have known. Sure it’s painful to hear something that horrible, but when you love someone, you want to help share that pain so it’s less of a burden. I know having it exposed in a courtroom was probably the most difficult way, but don’t you feel a little better knowing it isn’t a deep, dark secret any longer? Susan, the shame is theirs, not yours. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You survived a horrible childhood. They didn’t win! They didn’t break you, and I am so very proud of you.”

  “I love you, Mom. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth a long time ago.”

  Listening to only one side of this conversation, Scott thought, Why didn’t I see this? I was so busy trying to make a new life for her—a happy, safe, wonderful life. I wanted to help her forget her past. I probably told her in a thousand different ways that I didn’t want to know what really happened to her. Somehow I helped build that wall she’s been living behind but, God help me, I’m also going to help her take it down, brick by brick.

  Before hanging up, Caroline said, “Gladys has something she wants to ask you,” and handed the phone over to her sister-in-law.

  “Susan, would it help if we came over and took the children for the night and gave you and Scott some time alone?”

  Susan appreciated the offer but said, “I really don’t want quiet tonight, Aunt Gladys. I want my children to laugh, giggle, hug, and kiss all evening long, and the louder the better.”

  “All right, Susan. I wish there was something I could do for you. How are you holding up?”

  Susan felt flooded with the love and support this family always offered her. “You know, Aunt Gladys, sitting in that courtroom, seeing my childhood as an adult instead of through my memories has given me a different perspective. I was able to visualize our Lisa Anne there instead of me. It’s strange how that changes your perspective. You know, there were three women in that courtroom who suffered at the hands of Chuck Miller. Two of us survived, but Mother hasn’t. As long as she holds onto her hate and anger, he still controls her. I don’t hate her, but I don’t love her either, and that’s all right. Hopefully, someday, someone will reach her, like you have reached Lisa. That too is Mother’s choice. But I’ve also realized that surviving isn’t enough. I’ve carried the burden of that family like a yoke, and I’m through. As long as I kept their dirty secrets, they had control over me. I used to tell Lisa it applied to her self-destruction and anger, but I never realized how the shame was controlling me.”

  There was lightheartedness in her voice that thrilled Gladys. Her two girls were going to be all right.

  That evening Scott and Susan played with the children and had a picnic dinner out in the back yard. Susan filled a basket with hot dogs, watermelon, chips, carrot sticks, and potato salad. She grabbed a large blanket from the linen closet and spread it out under the big tree and tossed some pillows on it.

  As she was doing this, Scott took out the new electric ice cream maker they had purchased and allowed Lisa Anne and Megan to help mix the ingredients for fresh strawberry ice cream. Matthew was just happy having everyone outside and was laughing and playing with his toys.

  After Susan had everything ready, she lay down on the blanket, rested her head on one of the pillows, and watched her children play. Megan, being only three, had less patience than Lisa Anne and soon left the ice cream maker alone, thinking it was taking much too long to stand and watch.

  She walked over to the blanket to question what was in the basket. Without warning, Susan grabbed her and pulled her down. With a giggle in her voice, Susan started tickling and kissing her and telling her what a pretty little girl she was and how much she loved her. Matthew, just a few steps away, never wanting to be left out of a hugging contest, gave a big belly laugh as he plopped down on his mom’s legs and tried to tickle her.

  Lisa Anne stood there frozen, watching this play between her mommy and little sister, but every once in awhile she glanced over at her daddy. She was six years old and was not used to her mommy starting their tickle contests. As she stood there watching, she noticed a big grin on her daddy’s face.

  Scott noticed that Lisa Anne was standing back and wondered if she was sort of waiting to be invited into this much-loved contest. Knowing what a struggle it had always been for Susan, it felt so good to see her initiate this with the two little ones. He wanted to somehow get Susan’s attention that Lisa Anne needed to also be included but didn’t know how to do it without spoiling the spontaneous moment for Susan.

  Then, as Susan rolled over and pinned Megan to the blanket, holding her down with one hand, Susan reached out and grabbed Lisa Anne around the waist and pulled her down onto the blanket. Matthew had tumbled off as Susan rolled over and was quickly getting up to again jump on his mom’s legs. Susan tickled Lisa Anne and kissed her all over her face and neck, which drove Lisa Anne crazy. Her neck was the most ticklish place on her body, and she giggled and laughed until she was crying with pleasure.

  Susan lifted her head away from Lisa Anne, giving her a chance to catch her breath before starting all over again. Lisa Anne put her arms around her mom’s neck and pulled her down to her ever so gently. With the sweetest smile on her little face, Lisa Anne said, “I love you, Mommy.”

  Scott, a step away from joining in, stopped in his tracks. He knew this was a wonderful moment for Susan. There was a freedom in her response that he had never seen before, and he knew Susan had somehow faced another monster and had freed herself.

  As Lisa Anne allowed her mother to pull away slightly, he heard Susan say, “I love you, too, Lisa Anne. Mommy loves all three of her precious little angels, and I’m going to tickle you three until you all say uncle,” at which the screams of delight filled the summer night.

  This time, it was Mommy who invited Daddy to come join the family in their play, and Lisa Anne did not miss the switch. She
was only six, but she knew something good had just happened.

  Scott lit a citronella candle to discourage the bugs, and everyone sat on the blanket and enjoyed their hot dog dinner as if it were a banquet. Scott let the girls help serve the ice cream, and when everyone was finished, Susan took out a washcloth and cleaned up the children. She then pulled out their pajamas and changed the two little ones right there in the back yard. Lisa Anne wasn’t so sure she wanted to change her clothes where others could see so Scott held up a large towel while Susan helped her change.

  When all three children were ready for bed, Scott and Susan lay down on the blanket and had the children lie down with their heads resting on their parents’ tummies. They studied the stars, trying to see if they could make out any faces. Daddy told them some bedtime stories as, one by one, they began to fall asleep.

  When all three children were fast asleep, Scott and Susan stayed out back for another hour. They quietly talked about each of their precious little children, and thanked God they were theirs to love. There was not one word spoken about the trial that evening. Tonight was theirs, and they were not going to share it.

  Chapter 35

  On the other side of town, things were moving in high gear. Duncan had been running himself ragged for three days now. He was desperately trying to keep the trial moving forward during the day and trying to remain focused in front of the jury just in case these new facts didn’t pan out. An attorney’s first obligation is to protect and defend his client. He is obliged to counsel them as to their very best course of action but, if they reject his advice, he must still protect his client.

  For three nights, he had been pleading with Lisa to let him defend her properly, but she was not budging. Being bound by client-attorney privilege, he couldn’t enlist her family to help him convince her to listen. It had been a hard week for both of them, but tonight everything was coming together, and soon the truth would be out. Even though Lisa didn’t like it, the next day everyone was going to know the truth.