Wall of Silence

by Dorey Whittaker

  Taking his seat, all Gordon was thinking about was protecting himself and silently mused, I wasn’t the only one responsible for this mess. Quickly reviewing his closing statement, he thought, Words, that’s what a lawyer uses. I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. Kirkley, if you bring me up on charges, you’ll have to prove I knew the truth; you’ll have to prove malice. Yes, this woman got a raw deal, and I feel bad for her. But if they hadn’t tried to hide the truth, none of this would have happened.

  Everyone listened intently as Judge Kirkley instructed the jury. Because it was almost noon, he ordered them not to discuss the case during their lunch break but to wait until they were seated in the deliberation room.

  As soon as the court was dismissed, Susan quickly made her way to Hope. Of course Hope had no way of knowing who she was. All Hope knew was what had been said in the closing arguments.

  Cautiously approaching her, Susan reached out her hand and said, “Hello, Hope. I’m your Aunt Susan. I’m very glad to finally meet you.”

  With a look of amazement, Hope extended her own hand. “You’re Lisa’s sister? You don’t look much older than me.”

  “I was eight when she had you. I just want to thank you for stepping forward. I know you’ve been through a horrible ordeal, and Mr. Duncan has purposely kept you in the dark about things, but your mother will fill you in.”

  Pulling back her hand, and with lots of emotion in her voice, Hope’s response was, “I’m not so sure I want to be filled in. If I hadn’t been so obsessed with getting some answers, I never would’ve been there that night. I have great parents. I had a great life. I should have left it alone.”

  Appreciating her feelings, Susan took a step back as if giving this girl some space. “But, Hope, if you ever want to know what giving you up so you could have these great parents and great life cost your birth mother, I’ll always be available. We’ll understand if you never want to, but I do want you to know we would love the chance to get to know you.”

  When Hope didn’t respond, her mother stood up and took Susan’s hand. “She’s not ready to deal with anymore right now. All this has pretty much shattered her Wonder-Bread image of life. We always worked hard to give our kids a love-filled world to live in, and this has been a crash course in reality for her.”

  Susan appreciated Mrs. Winslow’s attempt to soften Hope’s reaction. “Well, at least some people’s reality. I’m glad Hope has a solid foundation to fall back on.” Then, with one more attempt to reach out to Hope, Susan said, “I’m glad a wonderful family got you. The lucky ones get born into them. Some, like you, get adopted into them, or like me, marry into them, and some, like your birth mother, get accepted into them. There are lots of wonderful people in this world. I sincerely hope you always live up to your name. Please don’t let that horrible night make you stop hoping. There’s a family here who wants to get to know you. I hope someday you’ll give us a chance.”

  “Maybe someday,” Hope responded. “I don’t want to hurt her.”

  Dan Winslow stepped into the aisle and cleared a path for his daughter to leave. “I think we should take her back to the hotel where she can rest. This morning has been very hard on her.”

  As her family walked out of the courtroom, Jean Winslow stayed back. It was obvious she wasn’t finished talking. As the door swung closed behind them, she turned back to Susan and was about to say something when she caught the image of Marjorie Miller making her way up the aisle.

  Susan turned to see what Jean Winslow was looking at. The two women watched as Marjorie, still stone-faced, made her way out of the courtroom. Marjorie was now free to go and had no intention of talking with anyone.

  Both women remained quiet until Marjorie was gone, and then Jean turned to Susan before leaving. Placing her hand on Susan’s arm, she said, “Dan and I understand. Let us talk to her. She’ll come around. She just can’t get past the fact that she killed a man, no matter how justified.”

  Chapter 39

  No one was interested in eating lunch. The family gathered in the conference room and tried to keep the conversation on a light note. The absence of any talk about Hope was understandable. No one could think of anything to say about her without feeling they would have to comment on the obvious stress that having to testify was causing her. For most of the recess, Lisa sat quietly pondering the damage all this was causing her daughter. She appreciated the fact that everyone was there to give her moral support. She was also thankful they respected her need to remain quiet. These next few hours were going to be difficult, and all the talking in the world wasn’t going to make it any easier.

  Susan carefully watched her sister’s expressions. She knew Lisa’s thoughts were probably focused on when she might have an opportunity to talk with her daughter again than reflecting on what the jury was doing. But sitting there, knowing how Hope was struggling, she worried there was still some pain ahead for Lisa. Having seen Hope’s reaction, she knew she was not likely to rush into Lisa’s waiting arms, even if the jury came back with a not-guilty verdict. As much as she would wish it to be so, there was not likely to be a fairy-tale ending to this. Then it dawned on her. Lisa knows this! That’s what she’s doing. She’s not worried about the verdict; she’s preparing herself for Hope’s rejection.

  Lowering her head and pleading from a heart aching for her sister, Susan prayed, “Oh, God, give Lisa the strength to get through this.”

  At one-thirty the bailiff stuck his head into the conference room and signaled to Mr. Duncan that the jury had just buzzed, which meant they had come to a verdict. While the family quickly filed out of the conference room, Susan stood up and gave her sister a hug. She then followed the rest out to their seats. As the courtroom was called to order and the jury was being seated, Susan looked around the room. The seat her mother had occupied for the past week and a half was now empty, which did not surprise her. She then let her eyes scan the crowd, trying to see where Hope was sitting.

  As the clerk called the room to order, Susan heard the familiar squeak of the back door and turned to see Dan and Jean Winslow quickly enter and take a seat. Hope was not with them. Susan kept her gaze on them until Jean looked over. She mouthed the words, “She didn’t want to be here,” upon which Susan simply smiled an understanding response and returned her attention to the front.

  Lisa was standing straight and tall next to Duncan. She faced the jury with a calm that belied her real feelings—not fear of their verdict but of what was ahead.

  Everyone watched as the foreman passed the verdict to the bailiff, who in turn passed it to the judge. After reading it, the clerk repeated the charges, and then Judge Kirkley asked, “Mr. Foreman, having heard the charges before you, what is your verdict?”

  With a sympathetic smile toward Lisa, he loudly and clearly said, “We find the defendant, Lisa Miller, not guilty.”

  Even though they had been sure of the outcome, the relief at hearing the not-guilty verdict sent the whole family into celebration. They were clapping and hugging each other and thanking the jury.

  Judge Kirkley gave everyone a minute or two before banging his gavel so he could talk. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the court would like to thank you for your service in sitting on this trial, and I would personally like to thank you for your wisdom. Thank you. You are dismissed.”

  As each juror stepped out of the jury box, he or she walked over to Lisa, shook her hand, and wished her well. Gordon, knowing there were people watching, extended his hand and offered an official, nevertheless insincere, expression of regret. “I’m glad it turned out this way. I’m sorry we made you go through this.”

  Lisa simply smiled. She knew he had made her go through this, but she also knew most of it had been her own fault.

  The whole family crowded around Lisa, all of them trying to have their turn to give her a hug. Mrs. Thomas and Carol Anne were laughing and crying at the same time. Bill Thomas stood there with his arm around his sister, Gladys. Harry and Scott kept talk
ing about what a sense of relief it was to finally have this over.

  Mrs. Bascom walked up to Mr. Duncan, and with the sweetest look on her face, she thanked him for all his hard work. Everyone chimed in and agreed that he had indeed done a wonderful job.

  Susan noticed Lisa was straining to see beyond the crowd of people. She knew who she was looking for, and wanting to protect her, she leaned over and whispered, “Lisa, Hope isn’t here.”

  A knowing look washed over Lisa’s face, and then Susan watched as that determined strength began to appear. She wasn’t going to fall apart. She had dealt with pain and heartache before, although this time her pain was not for herself, but for her daughter. “It’s all right, Susan. I can’t blame her.”

  When everyone had finished celebrating, Scott and Susan came to Lisa and suggested they take her home. “After all, Lisa, there are three little children sitting at Aunt Gladys’s house waiting to see you. They have missed their Auntie Lisa for three whole months, so let’s go see them.”

  As they prepared to leave, Mr. and Mrs. Winslow stepped forward. “We’re sorry she’s not here for you.”

  Then, seeing the tears beginning to fill Lisa’s eyes, Jean quickly added, “Please be patient. Dan and I intend to tell Hope everything. Once she knows what you two girls lived through, she’ll see her birth mother differently. Lisa, because you loved your baby, you gave us a wonderful daughter. We’ll do everything in our power to give her back to you.” Then, with a quick half-smile, she added, “Well, at least we’ll share her. Just give her some time to process all of this.”

  Lisa choked back her emotions as she took hold of their hands. “Thank you for giving her what I wanted for her. She told me how much she loves you and how good you’ve been to her. That is really all I ever wanted, was for her to be happy. Thank you.”

  Dan quickly let go of Lisa’s hand to wipe away the tears that were running down his face. Then, with great confidence, he said, “You’ll get more than that, Lisa. You have a great kid. She’ll be so proud of you when she learns what you have done with your life. I’m terribly sorry it won’t be tonight. She’s not ready.”

  With tremendous composure, Lisa smiled as she reached over and squeezed Dan’s arm. “I understand. I’ve waited this long, I can be patient. At least now my family knows about her, and I can finally talk about her. That will help.”

  Scott put his arms around Susan and Lisa, guiding them through the crowd. As they reached the side door, Officer Jackson, with a huge grin on his face, stepped into their path. “Lisa, I couldn’t let you leave without telling you how happy I am about how things turned out. You have become a strong, kind person, and I’m proud to have met you.”

  Lisa stepped forward and stood right in front of him. “Ben, you treated me with dignity and respect, even when you weren’t sure whether I was guilty. You and I have had some great talks in that jail. I’ll miss that.”

  “You don’t have to miss them, Lisa,” Ben responded shyly. “Our talks don’t have to end. Would you mind if I called on you sometime? After hearing about your baking skills, I’d sure like to taste one of your specialties.”

  Without the slightest embarrassment, Lisa said, “Ben, I’d love for you to call on me. I’ll be looking forward to it.”

  Susan was shocked but pleased when she heard Lisa suggest this. She shot Gladys a quick wink but made sure Lisa didn’t see it. No one dared tease Lisa about Ben, at least not tonight.

  Every time Gladys thought about it, though, she couldn’t help but smile. Maybe God had finally sent a man strong enough to see beyond her past, understand why Lisa did what she did, and love her because of it, not in spite of it.

  The family decided to have an impromptu party at Aunt Gladys’s house, and Ruth Bascom nearly emptied her store of baked goods in celebration and ladies from church brought platters of food. All afternoon and well into the evening, people were stopping by as word got around that the trial was finally over.

  When the party finally came to an end, Aunt Gladys walked with Scott and Susan out to their car. Feeling a confession was in order, Gladys said, “You know, when this thing started, I have to admit I questioned God. I couldn’t understand why He would allow this to happen to Lisa after everything she had gone through. It took me days before I could stop shaking my fist in His face, demanding He show Himself to be the God of love and power I knew Him to be. I wanted Him to stop this horrible thing and return her to me so I could protect her. I must say, I’m so very thankful He didn’t listen to me. He knew exactly what He was doing. He didn’t want me to protect her. He wanted to heal her. He used this trial to force out the darkness, bring the evil to light, and free you two girls from your secrets.”

  With their final goodbyes said, Scott and Susan headed back to the little rented house Susan had called home for the past three months. Mrs. Anderson had graciously offered to take the children home earlier, allowing Scott and Susan to remain at the party. Lisa Anne had resisted leaving Auntie Lisa, but upon the promise that the two of them would have a special breakfast together the next morning, Lisa Anne finally agreed to go home with Mrs. Anderson.

  Scott slipped into the children’s rooms to kiss them goodnight while Susan walked the sitter out to her car for the final time. As Mrs. Anderson drove up the street, Susan walked up the driveway and stopped for a moment to admire her much-loved weeping willow tree. Even though she was looking forward to finally packing up her little family and going home, she knew she was going to miss this dear old friend.

  Susan slipped under the drooping limbs and leaned against the tree’s strong trunk. She looked up through its beautiful canopy to the stars above, allowing the quiet of the summer evening to envelop her. She closed her eyes and felt the stillness, not only of her surroundings but also of her spirit. Without opening her eyes, she leaned her head against the tree and asked it, “Can you feel the difference in me? Three weeks ago I couldn’t have imagined this trial doing anything but harm, remember? I was so full of secrets, but as we all found out, I wasn’t the only one. I wonder, will Hope give Lisa a chance to get to know her? I wonder, might Lisa finally find love with Ben Jackson? I wonder, will our mother ever learn that hate is never the answer? Allowing yourself to face your guilt so God can begin to heal you is not a bad thing. But most of all, I’m thankful Lisa and I are free. Our healing has never been dependent on Mother’s choices. She may never find her truth, but Lisa and I have, and we’re going to be fine.”

  Patting the tree’s strong trunk one more time, Susan mused, “I’ve always had a tree to confide in. I imagine I’ll always do this, but from now on it won’t be shame-filled secrets I’ll be sharing.” Then, with one final pat, Susan said goodnight and headed into the house.

  That night, as they slipped into bed, Susan thought about all the different people God had put in Lisa’s and her life to bring them to this point. She wondered what her mother must have thought, being forced to listen to all these wonderful people talking about Lisa. She wondered if there had ever been a Gladys Carter or a Ruth Bascom in her mother’s life? She felt sure that some of the neighbors had wanted to help her. The big difference was that she and Lisa chose to accept the help. Help from people who had been willing to let God use their hands to bring love and healing to two very hurt and troubled girls.

  Snuggling up close to Scott, Susan thought about all the different lessons she had needed to learn before she was willing to step out from behind that wall of silence she had built around herself and to finally lay her past to rest. She thought about all the pain Lisa had suffered throughout her life and how hard Aunt Gladys had worked, sharing God’s love and forgiveness with Lisa while she nursed her back to health. Susan wondered, Would we have ever found out about Hope if it hadn’t been for this trial?

  Then, thinking about Lisa’s last secret, the one still not shared, she understood why Lisa decided to keep that last secret to herself for now. Lisa had told the whole family that Hope was going to be the first person she told
that secret to. Still, Susan wondered who it was. She remembered all those nights when Lisa climbed out that bedroom window and how mad she was at her for putting her in such danger. Who was she climbing out the window to see?

  Scott was already half asleep. Susan studied his face and marveled at his strength of character and smiled, knowing how much he loved her. No more secrets; that’s what she promised him. She also knew how hard it would be to let go of life-long habits. After all, she knew there still was that little girl living inside her, still whispering those dreaded warnings: “Be careful, don’t trust anyone; guard yourself.”

  Lying next to Scott, feeling so relaxed, she prayed, “God, how long will it take before that little girl inside me finally feels safe enough to stop the whispering? Probably never; maybe that little girl will always be here, but with Your help, I don’t have to listen to her whispers anymore. Maybe now that the truth is out and there are no more secrets for her to hide, that little girl can start living too. God, thank you for freeing me from my secrets, for sending so many people into my life to show me Your truth, and thank you, most of all, for not giving up on me, for loving me even when I didn’t trust Your love.” Susan gave Scott a kiss, said one final prayer for both Lisa and Hope, and then snuggled close to her husband and allowed the sweet, sweet sleep of a soul finally at peace to come.

  About the Author

  Dorey Whittaker lives in central Virginia with her husband, Bruce. She and Bruce have been married for forty-five years, raised two daughters, have four grandchildren, and have partnered together in lay ministries for over forty years.