Shame of Clones: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Karma Inc. Files Book 3)
Page 1
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Epilogue
Contents
Blurb
Books by Melanie James
Copyright
Acknowledgements
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Epilogue
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Blurb
The witches promised Barney a body, and it’s time to pay up. When they fail to live up to their end of the bargain, he heads out on his own in search of a witch who can make his dreams come true. After all, an imp can only be so patient. But his timing couldn’t have been worse.
The world of magic has inexplicably gone haywire and it leaves the witches of Karma, Inc. scrambling to get their magic back on track. Trouble is compounded by an infestation of clones, and the witches each find themselves in a romantic crisis.
Evil spirits, smugglers, and thieves abound as these magical misfits struggle to save witchcraft, Barney, and their love lives.
Books by Melanie James
Literal Leigh Romance Diaries
Accidental Leigh
Serious Leigh
Hopeful Leigh
Haunting Leigh
Joyful Leigh
Disastrous Leigh
Tales from the Paranormal Plantation
Gertie’s Paranormal Plantation
Back to the Fuchsia
When You Witch Upon a Star
Karma Inc. Files
Karma Inc.
Mission Impawsible: A Karma Inc. Novella
Shame of Clones
Twisted Tail Pack
His Twisted Tail
Black Paw Pack
Fur Ever Yours
A Hot Piece of Sass
Fur Ever Witched
Twice the Sass
You Bet Your Sass
Watch Your Sass
Fur Ever Wicked
Éveiller Drive
Ava & Will
Kara & Dave
Laura & Alan
Jamie & Brad
Ashley & Jeff
Valerie & Greg
Stand Alones
Conjuring Darkness
Snowflakes, Exes & Ohs
Riverton Romance
A Valentine’s Surprise
A Deadly Obsession
Copyright
Shame of Clones
By: Melanie James
Copyright © 2017 by Melanie James
Editing: http://www.serenityeditingservices.com/
Cover Artist: Dreams2Media
All rights reserved
Published in the United States of America
Acknowledgements
To my husband – Thank you for always being there for me.
Dedication
To Pearl Newhouse, Mariana McCloud, Faith Stewart, Gracie Krohne, Joe Krohne.
Pearl
There isn’t a single minute of my tweens that doesn’t contain a memory of you. A memory of you laughing or smiling, joking around with others to make them smile. Or of you chewing someone out when they needed to hear the truth. You were always real and said what was on your mind. Something which I always respected. I learned many things from you over the years, both good and bad. None of which I will ever bring myself to regret.
I have dozens of memories of your time on this earth that make me smile each time your beautiful face pops into my head. Like so many, you’ve been called home before your friends and family were ready to say goodbye. You will be forever in my heart and I thank you for all the wonderful memories.
Mariana, Faith, Gracie, & Joe
I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for each of you. All of you were like my second family when I was growing up, welcoming me into your home and lives. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you try to make sense of a world without Pearl. I love you guys.
Prologue
Gwendolyn struck the bench with her oversized gavel. “Wake up, ladies. It’s time to get judgmental.”
The crack of the gavel emitted a shockwave, disturbing the sleeping brains of the other old witches on the bench. “Guilty!” they shouted.
“We haven’t even heard testimony from the accused witch, you idiots! Let’s get this over with, Annabel.”
That’s me, Annabel, Special Feline Familiar to the Supreme Council of Witches and five-time show champion British Shorthair.
Once again, we’ve convened to consider charges against Kelly Franchetti from Witches Union Local 1313, which is really quite a treat for me. The Special Council only meets once every three years, therefore it would be fair to say, very rarely is a witch brought before the council. It’s flat-out unheard of for a witch to be called in twice in a lifetime. Miss Franchetti and her coven of misfits—who operate Karma, Inc. —provided us with a truly entertaining tale last time she was here. So entertaining, in fact, all charges were dropped. Perhaps the council let her loose knowing she would be back with another, equally thrilling story.
“Kelly Franchetti, please take the stand,” I meowed.
Kelly walked with her head held high, unintimidated by the presiding hags. “You’ll all be thanking me after you hear my testimony,” she said, taking the witness stand. Nodding toward me, she said, “Good to see you again, Annabel.”
Gwendolyn glared at her. “This inquiry concerns Karma, Inc.’s involvement in the recent decline of magic powers within the witch community. Since the last time you were here, the council has also received several complaints which could result in serious charges: homicide, kidnapping, necromancy, creating artificial life forms, encouraging a demon, and more. I even saw a report about Karma, Inc. using forbidden intoxicants to treat the sexual dysfunction of a muskox. I have to say, if we accepted insanity as a defense, you would automatically qualify. But we don’t, so start talking.”
“Give me a minute,” Kelly said, before downing a vial of truth serum. “Marie Laveau’s concoction. It worked for me last time.” She leaned back and drew in a deep breath. “Should I start?”
“Please, do,” Gwendolyn replied.
Kelly stared dreamy-eyed across the courtroom. “All my life I’ve heard about second chances and fresh starts. Usually these go hand-in-hand with some disaster where a person loses everything. I think it also applies to love and friendship. But these beautifully powerful…”
Gwendolyn’s gavel crashed down. “Stop! Are you seriously going to start with some heady, fuzzy-brained prologue? Gushing on and on about the value of bloody friendship and how the power of love helped you rise like the blasted phoenix from the ashes of your own defeat? Guess what? Nobody needs to hear it! Nobody wants to hear it! Fast forward through all of Karma, Inc.’s cases and start where you idiots screwed everything up.”
Kelly took a second drink of truth serum. “Fine.”
Chapter One
Karma, Inc. Live!
Randy gingerly preened his hair like a schoolboy walking into his first prom. “I can’t believe Karma, Inc. is finally going live again.” He cleared his throat and let out a ridiculous yodeling sound. “I’ll probably get tongue tied.”
“Don’t be nervous, Randy. Just be yourself.” A bit of sage advice to my brother couldn’t hurt. Right?
As soon as I uttered those words, a realization hit me. I was guilty of blurting out one of those useless obligatory phrases everyone in our family overuses. We Franchettis are genetically predisposed to advising each other at every turn—to the point of nausea. Mom says it’s just nagging disguised as thoughtfulness, and I tend to think she’s right.
I used to get it a lot when I was struggling through college. My favorite was, “You have to believe in yourself!” Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t think of that. I guess my half-assed make-believe self was too busy cramming for those imaginary finals. I don’t need to study, I just have to pretend harder!
Of course, there was an off-chance Randy might actually take my advice. One too many memories flashed in my mind. This was my goofball brother, after all. “I take that back, Randy. Whatever you do, don’t be yourself!”
“What is that supposed to mean? Be yourself, don’t be yourself? You’ve been over-advised and can’t keep your quotes straight. Now, prepare to be impressed.” Randy straightened his bow tie. “I’ve got a talented host in me, ready to break out.”
“More like a featherbrained dimwit,” Ezzy deadpanned as she finished donning the skintight green Druid body suit. “Jupiter’s Balls! I have got to ask Gertie to alter this thing. It’s so tight, I’m panting like a Shih-Tzu on a hot date.”
“At least you aren’t wearing this motley feather cape. Take a look at me. If Oscar the Grouch boinked Big Bird, I’d be their ugly kid.”
“I’m serious, Kelly. I may be having a medical emergency. My vagina just went numb. It’s completely and totally numb,” Ezzy complained. “This is disturbing. By the way, where is Gertie, anyway?”
“Her boy Brad is working the weekend so she decided to go with Max and Millie on one of their hippie retreats. I couldn’t talk her out of it.”
“Cheer up, witches!” Barney shouted, hopping across the floor and up onto the desk. “We’re about to broadcast some black magic over the internet! How great is that? And no, I don’t feel bad about doing it. Not even a little bit—it’s nothing worse than the other crazy shit people are putting out there. Soon we’ll be raking in some serious cash from the advertising sponsors that’ll be knocking down our door.” Barney adjusted the webcam. “Perfect. Stay right there, Randy.”
The impish frog crouched on the desk’s edge, poised to launch. “Gimme some lovin’, Ezzy.”
“Go ahead, you little freak.” Ezzy sighed, slightly extending her arms.
Barney launched himself in the air, performing a perfect triple somersault. His landing wedged him between her spandex-clad boobs. “Remember the promise you made? I’m holding you to it. The autumnal equinox has come and gone.”
“I know, I know. You’ll get a new, sexy human male form.”
“Oh yeah! And with a crankshaft so big you could roast a pig on it.” Barney held his webbed hands out, a good twelve inches apart, to show us exactly what he meant. “A real tonsil tickler, like the size of Randy’s.”
I could barely keep myself from throwing up. I had no desire to get into any conversation that involved my brother’s infamous anatomy.
“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Ezzy grumbled. “You want a big dick. Typical male, obsessing about size without the brains or talent to use what you have.”
“You wanna talk about talent? Are you familiar with the Vestal virgins of ancient Rome?”
“Of course, they were the priestesses of Vesta. They took a vow of chastity. So?”
“Ever wonder what happened to them?” Barney spun around and dry-humped Ezzy’s left boob. “Back when I was in a statue of Emperor Augustus, I deflowered the entire cult in one night. Now that’s talent.” He climbed up to Ezzy’s neck and whispered in her ear, “And you already know how talented I am with my tongue, baby. Imagine what it could do for you.”
“Eww, Barney!” The instant revulsion I felt was impossible to conceal.
Ezzy’s face contorted into the expression one gets when handed a baby in desperate need of a diaper change. She silently plucked the rude amphibian off of her chest and dropped him on the floor.
Squinting his bulbous frog eyes, Barney stared me down. “Like you’re one to judge, freak. Yeah, I know all about your sordid past. By the way, how’s things going with Fuzzy Wuzzy Bear? From the looks of things, you’re bear-ly gettin’ any. Have you updated your social media with your new sexual orientation label, PSSP?”
I mentally checked off a third of the alphabet of familiar groups used for common acronyms. Nope, I had nothing. “What the hell are you talking about, Barney?”
“Perpetually Single, Self-Pleasuring! Ba-hahahaha! Self-pleasuring!”
“Go play Frogger on the expressway, Kermit. And kiss a rolling bus tire while you’re at it,” I shot back.
I hadn’t been able to see Gabe for over a month and it was wearing on me. The little imp probably knew how long it had been since I’d been in the arms of my werebear. I wondered if my frustration showed physically somehow—or maybe he could see what was happening inside of me lately. I had an inexplicable ache in my heart. Like I was hungry, and a little sad. I missed Gabe.
Fortunately, the cure for my ills was right around the corner, in the form of a three-day weekend together with Gabe. I got lost imagining the excitement of once again feeling his touch and kisses.
“Hello! Did you all forget about my vagina?” Ezzy pointed at her shrink-wrapped genitals. Her golden antlers bobbed erratically, and that just made it weirder.
“God forbid,” Randy mumbled.
“Let’s get this over with before I suffer permanent nerve damage.”
“Places, everyone! Places!” Randy shouted.
Two crystal balls were required to facilitate the magical broadcast. Barney placed them on short stands, easily within his reach. Ezzy adjusted the golden antlers on her head, and I put on my carved wooden mask.
“Don’t forget about the big guy,” Barney said, handing the long magic staff up to Ezzy.
We were ready to dish out some black magic, completely out of view from the webcam.
Chapter Two
Karma Pays a Visit
“Hello, everyone, I’m Randy Franchetti and welcome to our very first webisode of Karma Live, where Karma comes calling. Here’s how it works. You send us a video, explaining why you think Karma needs to get busy dishing out some payback on your behalf. We select one lucky submission per week and everyone gets to see what happens when your dreams come true. I’ve been asking for submissions to kick things off, and our very first guest is Ann Elrider from good old Cicero, Illinois, right here in Chicagoland. Let’s have a look at the video Ann Elrider sent in.”
That was my cue to play the video from the submissions received. Actually, it was the only submission, but the internet didn’t need to know that.
The screen cut to an extremely blurry image of a woman. “Hi Karma, Inc. I’m Ann Elrider and I think it’s about time Karma gets up off her ass and pays a visit to my landlords, Red and Ivana Schwanz. I’ve been renting this house from them while they travel around in their luxury RV with some idiotic Pro Am Bowling team, the Bowling Stones. Anyway, as you can see, I take very good care of this house. But the place has serious problems! The roof leaks. The water heater died and no matter how many times I complained, they wouldn’t replace it. I finally paid for a new one myself and they won’t reimburse me for it. Then the furnace quit and they refused to get someone out here to repair it. I pay them a lot of money for rent here and I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. Karma needs to teach them a lesson!”
Randy switched the video back to his webcam. “Well, guess what? We’re about to deliver them some Karma, Ann! We’ve caught up with your neglectful runaway landlords. Just wait until you see what we have in store for them!”
It was time for us to get busy—but Barney had to get things going first. “Hurry! We’ve got to bring them up quick. Rub faster, Barney. You’re almost there. Don’t stop!”