Shame of Clones: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Karma Inc. Files Book 3)

by Melanie James

  “Yeah. There was one. Not the original piece, but a replacement. It fell off just the other day. Damn near killed one of the professors.”

  “Really? It fell off by itself?”

  “I guess. It was some sort of freak accident. The guy it almost landed on was this weird professor, looks like a human Q-tip. Hey, you two look good in them coveralls. Did you get them on sale? Because at my place they’re one hundred percent off. If you know what I mean.”

  “Where is it now?”

  “The landfill, I guess. I wasn’t here at the time. What’s the big deal?”

  “Nothing. Just curious. By the way, did it look like a frog?”

  “A frog? How the hell should I know? Go find the fuzzy-headed professor and ask him. His office is in a small building connected to the museum.”

  “Thanks anyway,” I sighed. “You’ve been a big help.”

  “Really? I’m glad. Now for my next trick, I’m going to need a condom and a volunteer.”

  Ezzy smiled and flipped him off. “You’re great with the one-liners, but you should really save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your date later. Come on, Kelly. We’ve got some work to do.”

  Ezzy made a beeline for the museum, but this time we didn’t go inside. We circled the outside, darting from window to window.

  “Ezzy, are we looking for the professor or the gargoyle?”

  “Either,” Ezzy snapped, staring at a window too high to see in.

  “That’s one window we aren’t going to look through, Ezzy.”

  “Watch and learn.” She held her arms straight out and flapped them, like a little kid pretending to be a bird. “Spiritus auras. Magicae avis. Leva in corpus meum!”

  To my amazement, Ezzy fluttered a few inches from the ground. Giving me a wink, she flapped her arms in longer strokes. I expected a slow, cautious flight up to the window. Instead, she shot up like a bottle rocket. She swooped down over my head and proceeded to fly along the length of the museum, smashing headfirst into every pane of glass along the way. She was getting whipped around like a rag doll in a tornado, and shouting obscenities with every hit she took.

  “You aren’t looking so good, Ezzy!” I shouted. “Why don’t you come back down?”

  “Don’t you…” THUMP “Fuck! Think I…” THUMP “Damn it! Would if I could?” THUMP. “Son of a bitch, that one hurt.”

  She was yanked skyward and then made a barnstormer’s dive toward the museum. The last window, the one too high to look through, was right in front of her. I stood there, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, witnessing her smash the window in with her outstretched hands. Her flight had come to an abrupt end.

  “Hey Ezzy, see anything?” I shouted at the pair of legs dangling from the window.

  “I’m fine. Thanks for not asking.” Her legs fluttered. “I can see the gargoyle. It’s… Yes! It’s Barney, without a doubt. The little bastard’s been turned into stone.”

  Ezzy wiggled herself backward out of the small window and fell to the ground. “Now I know what they mean about magic going haywire. I swear to Jupiter, I’ve used that simple hovering spell a thousand times and I’ve never had a problem. This time I was zooming around like a goddamned Blue Angel.”

  “At least you found Barney. Who do you think would have done that to him?”

  Ezzy stood up, dusting herself off. “Who knows? The fool might’ve accidentally done it to himself for all we know. The real question is, how will we reanimate him?”

  “Can’t we just use the Karma, Inc. staff, like when we brought him to life?”

  “It won’t be as simple as that. When we discovered him, he was actually frozen in a garden statue portraying a humorous caricature of a biker frog. It was his form. Now, that biker-frog form has been turned into concrete. He’s an imp, possessing a living statue, which has been basically turned into stone. Make sense?”

  I nodded, but my bobbing head was nothing more than a nonverbal lie. I needed more time to process Ezzy’s logic. “So now what?”

  Ezzy glanced around nervously. “We go back to your apartment. There’s something I want to show you. I don’t think we should say anything more here.”

  Chapter Twelve

  The Strange Figurine

  Ezzy sat on my living room floor and plucked a small figurine from her pocket. She handled it like it was as fragile as blown glass, but I could see that it was metal. She gently set it on the coffee table. “This is why I sent Professor McNerdy Hair away when I looked in that carton. I took this.”

  Joining her, I stared at a tiny bronze woman. I wondered how many centuries had passed since the light of day had fallen upon it. “Who is she?”

  Ezzy rested her elbows on the table, cradling her face in her hands. “You’ve no doubt seen the three-faced statue of the Greek goddess Hecate?”

  “Sure. Marie has one at the Union office. She said the ancient Greeks believed she was the goddess of witchcraft, among other things.”

  “Meet Hecate, in her original image. She’s also the guardian of the shadowy place between life and death, where ghosts, spirits and other apparitions hide from the living, and the dead.”

  “You are giving me the creeps, Ezzy. Seriously.”

  “You’d be a fool not to be creeped out by it. This figurine isn’t just a lump of cast metal. It’s more.”

  “More?”

  “Yes. This thing has an aura. It’s filled with magic. Who knows? It could have been blessed by Hecate herself. There could be a touch of her powerful magic in it.”

  “Okay, stop right there. If you think you’re going to crack open a portal to ghost land and play Poltergeist in my living room, think again. No freaking way. Besides, it can’t help you bring Barney to life. Can it?”

  Ezzy chuckled. “I have no idea. But isn’t that the fun of it?”

  My eyes must have popped out like one of those animal-shaped balloons. “Fuck if it is!”

  “Relax. Don’t jump to conclusions. It’s simply an object, imbued with magical powers. And since the object is a representation of Hecate, those powers will be very useful for witchcraft. Proper witchcraft is all about controlling magic, and not letting loose everything bad.”

  “So what’s your plan?”

  “I’m going to pick up a few supplies, and a reference book. Get some rest and dream about your werebear lover.” Ezzy gave me a peck on the cheek and flashed away before I could hand her the creepy figurine.

  “What the hell do I do with it?” An idea crossed my mind and I acted. I wrapped the statue in a dishtowel and stuck it in the back of my freezer, right behind a sandbag wall of frozen peas.

  I was exhausted and decided to heed Ezzy’s advice. I slipped out of the coveralls and threw on one of Gabe’s comfy old tee shirts. Laying on my bed, I was drawn into the hypnotic rotation of the ceiling fan. Gemma curled up next to me, and I was grateful for her companionship. “It sure has been a non-stop streak of what-the-fuckery lately, hasn’t it? I don’t even know if Karma Inc.’s mishap has anything to do with Barney’s disappearance. Or the alleged wayward magic spells that have been occurring. And what about Ezzy? I don’t know if she’s attention-challenged or a genius. We went to look for Barney and now she’s all nuts over this old figurine. It’s been just crazy.”

  “Meow, meow.”

  “And that too. Gabe getting sent to the Arctic Circle as a sex therapist for yaks.”

  “Meow.”

  “Fine, muskox. Whatever. The point is, we should be making plans. Going to my cousin’s wedding. Having wild crazy sex.” I rolled over, buried my head in the pillows, and did something completely contrary to my normally strong personality. I cried myself to sleep.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Ezzy the Evil Genius

  The way I woke up was nothing like the way I fell asleep. Kisses on the back of my neck lifted me to a state of blissful groggy consciousness. Gabe’s voice whispered, “I love you, Kelly.” His hard, naked body was next to me, pressing against my bare skin.
His hand ran softly up the back of my thigh and I parted my legs. He responded by slipping his hand between my thighs, moving up until it could go no further. My body melted in the wave of sensations I felt from the way he gently pressed and rolled his warm hand.

  His mouth explored the back and sides of my neck. I refused to wake up from the dream.

  “Oh, Gabe. I’m so glad you’re here. I take back everything bad I said about surprise visits.” I smiled, my eyes still closed.

  “Gabe 2.0,” his husky voice whispered.

  Confused, my eyes fluttered open. It wasn’t a dream.

  “Gabe 2.0?” I shrieked, instantly curling into a ball up against the headboard, clutching the sheets against me like they were a magic shield. It sure looked like Gabe. Every naked inch of him, right down to the little mole below his waistline.

  My bedroom door flew open and Ezzy strolled in. I was too shocked by my surprise bed-mate to ask her why she was wearing a white lab coat, glasses with square black frames, and her hair up. “What’s all the fuss in here?” she asked.

  “What the hell, Ezzy? How?”

  “I figured out the perfect solution to your man problems, thanks to Marie’s handy-dandy cloning kits. I took the liberty of removing a small sample of Gabe’s… um, DNA from a dress you were obviously waiting to take to the dry cleaners. Voila! Meet Gabe 2.0. My thought was, you can send him to the Arctic to stand in for Gabe. Only one problem though. As of this morning there is a global no-fly zone in place, by order of the Supreme Council. No broom travel until further notice.”

  “Oh my God, Ezzy. I cannot believe you cloned Gabe. I don’t even know what to say.”

  “You’re welcome?”

  “No. It’s not right. And what am I supposed to do with him now?”

  Ezzy tapped her lips, faking some critical thinking that was certain to be nothing more than a smart-ass answer. “Hmmm, let’s see. Ooh, I’ve got it! You’re both naked and in bed. How about have sex?”

  “No! I can’t!”

  “Ah, I see,” Ezzy said, unbuttoning her lab coat. “Well, I’m always ready to lend you a helping hand.”

  “No! I mean, I can’t just have sex with a clone. It’s still cheating. Maybe even something worse.”

  “But it’s Gabe! Technically. Look at him and tell me it’s not.”

  I brought my gaze back to Gabe 2.0. It was remarkable. He was Gabe in every physical respect. And he was highly aroused. “Uh, I see what you mean. But no, Ezzy. I just can’t.”

  Ezzy took the clone’s hand. “Okay, fine. Come with me, Gabe 2.0. We’ll have sex. At least I’ll finally find out what all the fuss is about with your Gabe. Looks can be deceiving.”

  “No way!” I shouted. “You can’t. It’d be like you’re having sex with my boyfriend.”

  “Your logic defies me, Kelly. All right, no sex. But I hate to see that big juicy cock go to waste. You sure you don’t want to have some fun?”

  My head tilted down, but my eyes burned into her like I had Superman’s laser vision. I didn’t need to say anything. In fact, my expression said it all. I was about as agreeable to her idea as if she’d suggested I rip my toenails out with a pair of pliers.

  “Whoa, Kelly. Take it easy. It’s just a piece of ass. I haven’t gotten a look like that since the Salem witch hunts.”

  I ignored her, of course. Turning my eyes to Gabe 2.0 wasn’t hard to do. “Gabe 2.0, put some clothes on,” I commanded. “Try those coveralls on the floor. They’re three sizes too big for me.” Gabe 2.0 ripped the sleeves off the coveralls to accommodate his muscular arms. He forced his legs through the bottom half, ripping the seams out and leaving mere shreds of material.

  “I still can’t believe it, Ezzy. With all the warnings about wayward magic, you decide to clone another human being. And not just any human being, but my werebear shifter boyfriend. And now I’m stuck with him.”

  “Christ, Kelly. It’s not like you’re stuck with the friggin’ abominable snowman. Look at him.” She pointed at Gabe 2.0. Licking her lips, she added, “It could be worse, trust me.”

  And I definitely looked. The big man was trying to cram the enlarged delicate part of his anatomy into the coveralls. After he succeeded, it was necessary to leave the front zipper undone from his neck down to just below his waist. Gabe 2.0’s bare chest and abs were perfectly framed for presentation by the ruined coveralls. I have to admit, the Incredible Hulk look really suited him. I couldn’t take my eyes off that familiar sexy chest of his.

  “Besides, he’s not a shifter. So you don’t have to worry about him getting too furry at the wrong moment, if you know what I mean.”

  “Ezzy, you are truly a wicked witch. And crazy.”

  “Wicked? Agreed. Crazy? Crazy like a fox, perhaps. Come out to the kitchen and let me show you what I’ve been up to while you were snoring away.” Beckoning me with her expensively manicured index finger, she turned down the hallway. Curious, I grabbed my robe and followed her. Gabe 2.0 hurried after us.

  “It was bound to happen sooner or later,” I sighed, taking in Ezzy’s mess. “One of my friends turned my kitchen into a meth lab.” Atop the stove, pink liquid bubbled over the sides of a large black cauldron. Black and white candles, a dozen of each, flickered around the room.

  The kitchen island was littered with beakers, test tubes, and vials. Each one held a different color liquid. In the center, a Bunsen burner’s blue flame heated a glass flask filled with bubbly pink goop. I suspected it was the same stuff overflowing from Ezzy’s cauldron—the same sticky ooze that was most certainly ruining my ceramic stovetop.

  “What the hell is all this, Ezzy?”

  “Research. Let me explain. Reanimating Barney is a simple spell, as you pointed out earlier. But before we can do that, we need a way to transform Barney’s basic element from stone back to inexpensive plastic resin. I racked my brain trying to come up with a spell or potion, but nothing came to mind. Then I remembered Marie’s cloning kits. I knew at least one of the potions in her kits had transformational powers.”

  “Marie actually let you have one?”

  “Of course not. You heard what she said. She doesn’t want anyone else to play around with cloning. I took one the day we were over at her house. Hey, you never know when you might need to clone someone. Gabe 2.0 was a good way to test the kit and observe the magical process. What you see cooking up in your kitchen is my attempt to isolate the transformational magic with a little help from the powers being given off by the old Hecate statue.”

  “I suppose it makes sense, somehow. But there’s one problem you haven’t considered. How the hell do we get Barney’s gargoyle body out of the professor’s office and back here? We’re in a global no-fly zone, remember? I bet that thing weighs a ton.”

  Ezzy crossed her arms and quietly tapped her foot. “God, I hate manual labor. The whole point of witchcraft is for us to avoid unhealthy shit like that.”

  “How about Gabe 2.0? I’m sure he’d be able to drag that gargoyle out of the office and haul it to my car,” I replied.

  “I like the way you think, Kel. But, I don’t know if we should take him out in public just yet. He has very limited social skills. Now, help me mix up a batch of regeneration potion,” Ezzy said and walked directly to my spare bedroom. After a loud crash, she returned with an extra-large storage tub I recognized as one that held my Christmas decorations. Or at least it had held them, until she’d dumped them on the floor. “Just a little something to dilute the concentrated potion in. This will work perfectly for prepping Barney. We’ll put his gargoyle body right into it. Maybe we’ll transform him on the spot.”

  There was no use protesting. Once Ezzy reached the kitchen, she emptied the bubbling cauldron into the tub and added water. I became so mesmerized watching her mix in the additional ingredients that I failed to keep an eye on Gabe 2.0.

  “Hi, Aunt Kelly. I’ve got your cookie order,” a small girl’s voice said. I nearly jumped out of my skin.

  I looked down
and there was my seven-year-old niece, staring up at me. “Who—who let you in, Marie?”

  “The weird guy with the ripped-up clothes. He’s giving Nonna a backrub on the couch. Is he your boyfriend? ’Cause if he is, you better get him before Nonna steals him. She got all sweaty and started mumbling in Italian. Are you giving your dogs a bath?”

  “Oh, shoot! Wait right here, Marie.” I bolted into the living room and pulled Gabe 2.0’s hands off my grandmother’s shoulders and shooed him down the hallway.

  “Nonna! I’m so sorry.”

  “You should be! Why’d you take him away? Five more minutes and I would’ve died a happy woman. Let me tell you, I haven’t felt a man’s hands do things like that in years.”

  “No, no. I mean I’m sorry he was so rude.”

  “Trust me, Kelly, when you get to be my age, you take it any way you can get it. Especially with a man like that! So that was your boyfriend? He said his name was Gabe Tupoyno?”

  “Tupoyno? Uh…” It took a few slow turns of the gears in my brain to figure out just what the hell had happened, or what my old Nonna meant. “Oh!” I laughed my way out of an awkward pause. “Yep, sure is. Gabe Tupoyno, that’s him. Love of my life.”

  “Well, there was no hiding it, he’s hung like a salami and hard as nails. You better not let him get away. But if you do, send him in my direction. Last man I had sex with was ninety-three years old. And let me tell you something, I discovered a whole new level of frustration, like watching someone trying to shoot pool with a rope!”

  “Too much information, Nonna.”

  “Say, maybe Gabe has a twin for your old Nonna?”

  “A twin? Uh, nope. I’d know if he did, and he certainly doesn’t. Such a funny question, Nonna.” I think my voice faltered a bit. There was no way she could know about the cloning, and even if someone told her, she’d never believe it.

  “Just my luck. I can’t wait to see him again at the wedding next weekend. Hopefully it won’t be long before the two of you have a wedding of your own.”