by Trina M. Lee
I felt like the world’s hugest hypocrite. My drug of choice differed, but I too sought out escape in false comforts. Still, street drugs were risky, and I didn’t want to watch one of the strongest women I knew go down that treacherous road.
“I know,” she mumbled, staring around the room, squinting against the dim lights that broke up the darkness.
We sat in a comfy corner booth. Arys had brought me there to pick up my car; he’d had it towed there. I hoped to hang around long enough to see Willow. Then I was headed home for the next two days. My plan was to lay low at home and spend as much time as wolf as I could before Ky’s big day. I needed it.
While waiting for Willow to make an appearance, I checked the many messages left on my phone during my brief but serious absence. A voicemail from Dayne asked if we could meet. Another, from Juliet, I hit delete without listening to it.
I called Dayne back and told him to come by the club if he had time. It would be my last night in the city for a few days. I needed some down time.
My blood boiled as I thought of Kale locked in the back with another blood whore. He had abandoned Jez in a time of need after promising me he would take care of her. He had no excuse for that.
A waitress came by to refill our coffee. Jez didn’t need booze to make her situation harder to handle, and I was nowhere near ready to swallow a poison of any kind. I felt good, great actually, after the incident at Shya’s. Tired though. I was ready to sleep beside the pond in the shadow of the trees. My wolf was restless, needing release.
The coffee was bitter and strong. I stirred cream and two sugars into it, watching the back hall entry with a predatory scrutiny.
Arys had left Jez and me to speak in private, though he hadn’t gone far. He lingered near the main door, speaking to Justin. I think he was afraid to let me out of his sight.
“I’m really looking forward to Ky’s wedding,” Jez said with a sigh. With a hand beneath her chin, she leaned heavily on her arm and stirred her coffee so that the spoon clinked loudly against the cup.
“Yeah, you look real enthused about celebrating love right now,” I said with a smile. I patted her hand, stilling it with my own so the annoying noise would stop. “I think you should stay with me until the wedding. We’ll get furry and unwind. I’m sure you need it as bad as I do.”
“That sounds good, actually. I think you’re right. I can’t remember the last time I shifted.” She was fidgety, twisting a sugar packet between her fingers until it exploded in a small shower of white powder.
Oh dear. White powder of any kind was likely a trigger for her. I swept it aside, pushing it into a small pile behind the napkin canister.
At her insistence, I spent most of the time talking, telling her about what went down at Shya’s. She nodded as if she was listening, but her eyes began to droop. Fatigue was a withdrawal symptom. The poor girl probably needed some serious rest.
“When was the last time you slept?” I flicked her hand, and she sat up straighter, forcing her eyes open.
“Honestly? I’m not sure.”
“As soon as I’m done here, we’re going home. I’d offer you a bed, but I doubt you’d want to lay on anything in this building.”
Jez made a face of disgust that was made absolutely hilarious by her inability to keep her eyes open. “Ew. Most definitely not. I’d rather sleep in the parking lot.”
I sat there quietly, wondering how she could drift off with the loud music and voices thundering all around us. I guess a few days without sleep will do that to a person.
She didn’t even stir when Willow appeared. He seemed to step out of nothing, becoming corporeal. Jez was slumped against the wall of the booth, drooling into the palm of her hand. I would have laughed if Willow hadn’t pulled me out of the booth into a colossal hug.
“I’m so sorry. I couldn’t stop him from taking you. I tried.” Willow’s words were muffled by my hair.
“None of this is your fault, Willow.” I pulled back to find his eyes shadowed with regret. “I know you think it is because of the choices you’ve made, but I don’t blame you for anything. Please, stop blaming yourself.”
He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m trying.”
“Try harder.”
“Will do, boss.”
I glanced from Willow to Jez, wondering why those I loved had descended into such self-loathing. It hurt me to see them suffer and to know I couldn’t take away the pain.
I was wary of discussing demon business in a place where anyone could be listening. So I told him the gist of what Saber had said and left it at that.
“That doesn’t surprise me at all. Shya must be having a fit over it though.”
“He took it out on me. He demanded the dreamwalker that I owe him. I have one month.”
Willow swore and shook his head of dirty-blond hair. “Why does that not surprise me? Try not to worry about it. We’ll figure something out.”
“I’m not sure there is a we in this case.” My gaze dropped to Shya’s dragon sigil. “This is very much a me scenario. I made the deal. I have to honor it.”
“You’re not going back into the FPA building. You can’t, Alexa. That place is too dangerous.”
“Save me the warnings and pep talks, ok?” I laughed, but it was forced and dry. “I have a wedding to get through without any mishaps or deaths. It’s going to be harder than it sounds.”
My name being shouted from across the room had me whirling to find Shaz dodging people as he made his way through the crowd. In his enthusiasm he lifted me off my feet and squeezed until I yelped.
“Don’t ever do that again,” he scolded, lowering me back to the floor. “You had me scared half to death. Arys wouldn’t take me to Shya’s no matter how much I threatened him.”
“Good. You have to stay off Shya’s radar. Trust me. You don’t want to be on it.” I hugged him close, reveling in the scent of wolf and aftershave.
“Thank God you’re ok,” he murmured before kissing me with raw emotion. That simple act was filled with love and affection. It made me wish so badly that I could be what he needed.
Willow excused himself, heading to the bar to avoid the kissfest.
“It’s not over, Shaz. Shya isn’t going anywhere. Not anytime soon, that’s for sure.”
“Kylarai is a wreck. She was planning to cancel the wedding if you didn’t make it back in time.”
“No way in hell is that happening,” I vowed. “Somebody deserves to get their happy ending, and it’s going to be Coby and Kylarai.”
“Excuse me?” A gruff voice drew my gaze to Dayne who stood a few feet away, waiting for us to disentangle from one another. “I don’t mean to interrupt. I just wanted to speak to you face to face.”
Reluctantly, Shaz let me slip from his embrace. The sudden absence of his warmth made me reconsider. He extended a hand to Dayne.
“I must apologize for what happened at Doghead,” Shaz said, remorse heavy in his jade eyes. “It was unacceptable and completely bad judgment on my part.”
Dayne accepted both Shaz’s hand and his apology. “Think nothing of it. My boys like to scrap. It doesn’t take much for that shit to get out of control in a pack as big as ours.”
“Would you like to sit down?” I glanced at the booth where Jez snored softly and led Dayne to an empty one a few booths away instead. “Anything you want is on the house, of course.”
“Nothing for me tonight.” Dayne sat heavily in the seat across from Shaz and me. His hard, rugged face made it difficult to gauge his mood. “I want to thank you for taking care of Stuart. Owen told me what happened with the vampires. He said you’re a strong fighter and a true wolf despite your hybrid status. His opinion means a lot to me. If he thinks you’re a worthy ally, then so do I.”
He offered me a meaty paw of a hand, and I accepted it gratefully. My alliance! I was so excited I could have squealed. Amid so much chaos and uncertainty, it felt damn good to have something go my way.
“Tha
nk you, Dayne. I’m sorry Owen had to be there for that. It was unexpected, and I’m glad he wasn’t seriously hurt.” Or worse, I thought.
“Owen has had his share of ass kickings. He can take a beating from a few vampires.” Dayne laughed it off, making me think he didn’t realize how bad it had been that night.
“He saved my ass. I owe him for that. And I won’t forget it.” I meant every word. Owen was very much a stranger to me, but he’d backed me when he could have run. That meant a great deal to me.
Dayne stuck a cigar between his lips but didn’t light it. “I’d like to invite you both to run with us on the next full moon. It would be a good time to initiate Shaz into the pack.”
Oh crap. I cringed, and my face flushed red hot.
“Wait, what?” Shaz was understandably confused, seeing as I hadn’t mentioned it to him yet. He looked back and forth between Dayne and me, waiting for someone to explain.
“Um, I haven’t exactly told Shaz about that yet,” I said, feeling like a supreme ass. “I had wanted to clear it with you first.”
Dayne nodded slowly, sensing the shift in the atmosphere. He stood up and pulled a Zippo lighter from his pocket. “I see you two have some talking to do. We’ll be in touch. Have a good night.”
I watched him go, counting the seconds until he disappeared through the exit. Then I turned to Shaz, ready to plead for understanding.
“Let me explain, ok?” I slipped my hand into his and squeezed. “You need a pack, Shaz. You’re a strong wolf, but you’ve outgrown the Stony pack. Doghead is perfect for you. So I asked Dayne if he’d be willing to let you in.”
Shaz didn’t react for a minute. His hand was stiff within mine. My skin prickled at the sensation of his rising anger. “You set this up without even asking me if that’s what I wanted? Why would you do that, Lex? You hate it when Arys pulls crap like this on you.”
He had me there. Arys was famous for doing things he thought were in my best interest. I rarely felt the same way. “It was hypocritical. I know and I’m sorry. Is it really such a bad idea though?” If he could just recognize the opportunity for what it was, maybe he would see that I only wanted him to be happy.
He studied me intently, searching my eyes and leaving me to wonder what he was seeking. “What’s going on with you? Are you trying to get rid of me?”
Dammit. Shaz could always see right through me. There was no fooling him. “Not the way you think.” I held up a hand, pleading with him to hear me out when he swore and tried to stand up. “Shaz, please. Listen to me. I don’t want you giving up your life for me. You deserve more than I can offer.”
Running his hand through his hair, Shaz made a noise of disgust. “Are you kidding me? Haven’t we been through this? I made my choice, Lex. I committed myself to you.” He pulled away from me and leaned back in the booth as if he couldn’t possibly get far enough away. “You need me.”
“I do.” I nodded. “You’re my voice of reason, the one who keeps me from doing things I’ll regret. But that can’t be all you are, and you know it. Just think about it, about Doghead and how you can grow in a pack like that.”
Suspicion furrowed his brow. He looked torn, like he couldn’t decide if he should be mad or not. “I know why you’re doing this, Lex. You’re planning ahead, thinking about when you become a vampire. Do you think that’s a deal breaker for me?”
“It should be. I will go all dark, Shaz. Once I lose my light, I won’t be the same person. The blood bond will destroy the balance of light and dark between Arys and me. Everything will change for the worst.”
A look of absolute horror marred his handsome face. “How can you say that? Are you just giving up? That won’t change how I feel about you. I thought we agreed to take things one day at a time, to enjoy the time we have together without forcing it to be something it’s not.”
“We did. But what do you expect from me? Do you want me to watch you eventually grow old and die while refusing you the chance to live a full life?” My voice cracked, and I paused to gather myself. “I’m not sure you can do that with me. And I don’t want to be the one who takes it from you.”
Shaz’s wolf stared out at me. He felt like I was giving him the brush off, but it just wasn’t like that. At just twenty-four, Shaz had so much life left ahead of him. Letting him go was the last thing I wanted, but this wasn’t about what I wanted. It was about what he needed.
“That’s not your decision to make, Lex,” he said, his voice calm but his tone heavy with restrained anger. “You don’t get to tell me how to spend my life, and you sure as hell don’t get to choose my pack.”
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intent to upset you or to make you think I’m trying to drive you away.”
“Aren’t you though?” He did stand up then, pulling away when I reached for him. His expression was one of hurt and dismay. “I pledged myself to you. My wolf belongs to yours. Nothing is going to change that. Not even your death. I just can’t imagine why you would want it to.”
Shaz didn’t give me a chance to respond. He turned and walked out without a glance back. I sat there stunned, staring around the room but barely seeing it. What had just happened?
Slowly I let out the breath I’d been holding. “Fuck,” I muttered. Matters of the heart were always the most complicated.
“Are you ok?”
I jumped when Willow’s voice broke through my thoughts. I hadn’t seen him approach. “Not really. Shaz is pissed off because I asked the Doghead pack to take him in as a member. He thinks I’m trying to get rid of him.”
“Are you?” Willow asked, his calm and caring nature making it so easy to open up.
“Maybe. But it’s not because I want to. I don’t. It’s because it’s selfish of me to rely so heavily on him when I can never give him the picket fence life he longs for.” Goddamn it was hard to say that.
Willow pondered this. He gazed at me with a thoughtful smile and patted my shoulder. “Alexa, millions of people have that picket fence life, and they are still not happy. Don’t mislead yourself into thinking there is an ultimate happiness out there somewhere. You’re only as happy as you let yourself be.”
“There you go again being all positive and inspiring and junk,” I joked, but I knew he was right. He was always right.
“If Shaz is happy with what you share right now, why take that from him? Why not just enjoy it while it lasts? Trust me. Those moments are fleeting. Don’t rush the ending.” Sadness stole over Willow, but he shoved it aside with one of the phoniest smiles I’d ever seen. The angel didn’t lie well.
“I can’t have them both,” I said, my gaze straying to Arys. Feeling my stare, he turned to give me a look that smoldered.
Willow followed my gaze. “No. In the end there will only be one. Love is complicated. Hell, it’s downright torment sometimes. Still, no need to rush the ending of a story that you’re not writing. Play your part and let each day come as it may.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I playfully punched Willow’s arm.
“Doesn’t it?” The sound of his chuckle filled me with warmth. I found encouragement in these talks with Willow.
“Yes and no,” I admitted, dragging myself out of the booth.
Willow slung an arm around me and rested his head against mine. “If you spend all of your time worrying, you will rob yourself of the good stuff. Only the memories will last, and now is the time to make them.”
“Roger that, wise all-knowing one.” I gave him a sarcastic salute but took his words to heart. “Thanks, Willow. You make more sense than anyone else I know. I’m grateful to know you.”
“Likewise, little Hound. Now go, take your friend home before some vampire gets it into his head to make a play for the unconscious leopard.”
* * * *
The scent of autumn leaves tickled my sensitive nose. The yellow grass crunched beneath me as I rolled over and stretched. A chickadee sang its repetitive little song until I cracked one eye open and gave
him a look. A frog hopped through the grass a few feet away, pausing to check me out before continuing to the pond. The sound of a snapping branch brought me fully awake with a start. I whirled around with fangs bared to find Jez sneaking up on me through the brush.
She pounced on me before I could lunge at her. Her powerful back legs were like a spring, launching her through the air. She landed on the now empty spot where I’d just been laying.
Tongue lolling, I gave her my best wolfy smile. She might be fast and superbly coordinated, but I was fast too.
Blood stained the fur of her face, and I wondered what poor creature had met his end in Jez’s fierce paws. Coming home with me had been good for her. She’d been leopard since we arrived, and it seemed to be beneficial to her state of mind.
Jenner and Arys had taken up residence in my house. I had not heard from Shaz since he had walked out on me. He needed time to think things over. As for me, I needed to be wolf, like I always did when the vampire world became too much to handle.
Kylarai’s wedding was the day after tomorrow. Despite my offer to help with last minute details, she had insisted that everything was under control. I suspected that she preferred to do it all herself in order to make sure it was done right. I could respect that. I knew the feeling.
She had had our dresses sent over. Arys had taken one look at it through the plastic covering and made an inappropriate remark about how hard it would be for me to keep it on.
I was excited for the wedding. It was one bright spot amidst all of this chaos. For one night it would be all about Kylarai. Not me or Shaz or even Shya. Just Ky. I couldn’t wait to celebrate her.
Jez glided silently through the trees, stalking a little brown field mouse. Her tail twitched as she advanced on him. The gold and black of her svelte frame was truly beautiful. I found it impossible not to stare at her in awe. She was a magnificent creature.
