Law interrupted the awkward silence. “I’m sorry…” He looked at her nametag. “Rosanna…what he meant to say was that she’s too small for the seat but doesn’t quite fit into a booster seat anymore.”
He gave her a wink and she nervously smiled back. She looked at me then down to my injured arm that was tucked between my body and Ocean’s.
“I’m sorry dear, what would like for your beverage?”
“A lemon water please.”
“Of course.” She turned with a worried look on her face to get our drinks.
Ocean turned his eyes back down to my arm while Law and his father stared daggers into him. Layla was trying to look preoccupied, but she looked just as troubled by Ocean’s behavior.
I looked at Law to save me from the silence. He read my face and heard my plea loud and clear. We would just have to pretend Ocean wasn’t here because mentally and emotionally, he was already gone.
“So, Sunshine. What you thinking about ordering?”
I picked up the menu with my mobile hand, flipping through the laminated pages of deliciously looking food but not hungry enough to eat any of it.
I looked up at Law who was still staring annoyingly at Ocean. “You know Law, considering I just woke up from a two week sleep and feel terrible, I don’t think my stomach can hold anything. I’m not even hungry.”
“He didn’t ask you if you were hungry Liv. He asked you what you want to order and you’re going to eat regardless.” Ocean spoke with the same flat and cold tone he used on the waitress.
The old Livie wanted to smack her teeth and tell Ocean to go to hell for being so cold, but the new Livie… the Livie that I had to become in order to be strong enough for both of us held back.
“My dad was always a fan of their ropa vieja so I’ll try that.” I said with a smile in my voice, sliding the menu back to Law.
Turned out everyone was a fan of Bahama Breeze’s ropa vieja dish because everyone ordered the same dish.
Ocean’s father was a hilarious eater. Each time a new flavor hit his taste buds, he went into a frenzy of moans and lip licking fits. It was hysterical to watch.
When the food first arrived, Ocean leaned back freeing up some space between us so I could peck at my food. I’m sure he was cursing me out in his head for not scarfing down my damn plate, but baby steps were better than no steps at the moment.
As I ate, we, as in Law, his mother, and Ocean’s father talked about the studio. We also touched Layla’s vacation plans. I was happy for her. She really looked like she could use the time to pamper herself.
Ocean, on the other hand, was busy playing with the fingers of my bandaged hand. One by one and over and over, he would run his thumb and pointer finger alongside each of my fingers. The sensation felt weird. I guess it was the possible nerve damage that made my fingers tingle so strangely from his touch.
Several times, I looked down to see if he’d stopped but each time he would either be touching my pinky or ring finger.
Not a good sign.
I guess my face showed it because Law and Layla put their forks down and both asked me.
“You okay?”
I looked up confused for a second. “Uh yeah… my arm, it just, uh, feels funny.”
“Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry I didn’t even bother to ask how you were managing. Do you need something for the pain? I can call something in to the pharmacy and have it ready for you at Shiloh’s.”
Ocean’s leg started to bounce nervously under the table rocking me back and forth but he held on tighter to my back so I wouldn’t fall off of his lap.
“Thank you Layla, but I’m okay. It just feels weird.”
“Bullshit Sunshine. You’ve been looking down at your hand every five minutes or so, what’s wrong?”
I looked down at my hand again, Ocean was touching my pinky and again I didn’t feel anything. “I’m fine Law, it’s nothing.”
Ocean huffed behind me. “She doesn’t have any feeling in her pinky or ring finger.”
Layla dropped her fork in her plate with a loud vibrating ding. She grabbed her purse and snatched out her cell phone. “I’ll be right back. I have to call the rehab facility to let them know.” As she pushed herself away from the table, she shot me a reassuring smile.
I tried to return it, but I hated being pitied so I wasn’t sure if I’d succeeded in smiling back.
Law pushed back in his seat looking at me like he was about to dish out an epic ‘your grounded speech’ that would merit an award for best mother hen of the year.
“What the hell Sunshine? You could have told us that. You can’t just start lying about shit like that, it’s serious!”
No way was I going to take shit from Ocean AND Law, not today and not like this!
“It’s not a big deal Law! I’m going to rehab and they’re the ones that need to know anyway. I didn’t think I needed to worry everyone even more, chill out.”
Law leaned in, placing his elbows on the table. His left eye was twitching with nervous energy. “Sunshine, I don’t care what you think right now. I wanted to know and you should have told me.”
“Why? So you can lecture me like you’re doing right now. It’s not your problem. I’m the one with the fucked up arm, you… you--”
“Shut up Livie! It is my problem and as long as I’m around I’m going to know everything, see everything, and hear everything about your progress and your life, period. You don’t get to save yourself or shut me out anymore Sunshine! Stop thinking you know what’s best for everyone else and let me fucking help you!”
Ocean’s father pulled Law back off of the table by the shoulder. “Come on son, go walk it off. She doesn’t need to be talked to like that.”
He shoved his uncle’s hand off his shoulder, slid his chair back, got up, and left the table.
I looked down at my plate of food, livid at everything and everyone but mostly myself. My hand—the good hand was itching to hurl the damn plate across the room.
When I felt my hand twitch to do just that, Ocean reached up and pushed the plate away from me towards his father.
Unk looked at his watch. “I’ll pay the bill and check on Law. You kids hurry up. We need to get back on the road to make it by check in time.”
“Yeah dad.” Ocean replied, finally responding with some sort of life back in his voice.
Chapter Fourteen
Lawrence
Damn it! I didn’t mean to yell at her. FUCK! I really thought I could do this but I am just as fucked up and mentally unstable as Ocean is about her being gone for a month.
How could I have ever thought I was any better than the stubborn asshole? I was twice as bad lashing out at her like that. When my uncle walked around my truck, I stopped pacing back and forth.
“You Hawthorne boys are a real pain in the ass.” He said, joking.
“Yeah, wonder where it all started.” I said, looking up at the clear blue skies.
“You know son, it may seem like you just messed up in there, but you did the right thing. Livie is special and unfortunately, she needs you to be straight with her. She needs you to be there for her even when she says she doesn’t want your help, especially after what she did to herself. It’s the only way to keep her safe.”
“I know Unk, but it hurts. I’ve never cared for anyone like I do for her and she’s always pushing us away. I don’t fucking get it Unk. Are we that bad? Am I that emotionally scarred that I can’t keep her from wanting to hide from me?”
“I don’t think it’s that simple son. Just remember that you are doin’ the right thing by her. She needs it and she’s lucky to have you in her life, so don’t give in and definitely don’t give up. When she’s away, you will have my son to deal with and that shit ain’t gonna be pretty. This time around he’s going to be worse. He loves that girl. He’s not going to let her go but he’s gonna fuck up big time. He’s hurting too much.”
If that wasn’t the truth then I don’t know what was anymore. Things were
going so good, too good, and now all three of us were falling apart in our own sick and twisted ways.
“Hey.” Ocean’s voice brought me out of my mental bitching.
“Liv’s in the limo. She’s pissed at you but deep down she knows what you said was the truth. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it.”
I looked at him, taking in his appearance. Ocean was a master of making it seem like he had shit under control, like he was in control.
Right now, I saw a man about to lose the world and he was having one hell of a hard time remembering how to breathe.
“What about you, Ocean?”
“What about me? If she doesn’t hate me by now then she will soon. Let’s just get his shit over with.” He shoved his hands in his pockets making him look like a lost little boy.
“You mind if I ride with you guys this time? I have to make things right with Sunshine. I can’t let her leave me this way.”
He shrugged his shoulders and turned to walk away. I pulled out my keys and tossed them at my uncle.
“You got it son, see you there.”
“Yeah…see you at hell’s gates.” I mumbled back.
***
When we got to the limo, Ocean stepped aside so I could open the door to get in first. I didn’t question him, just opened the door and peeked inside.
Sunshine was sitting at an angle against the opposite car door with her face turned sideways against the leather of the seat and her black hair fanned out around her face, hiding her.
I climbed in inching my way towards her and when I got close enough, I pulled her hair away from her face to reveal her eyes running with tears. I hooked the black sheets of silky strands behind her ear and put my arm over her pulling her into me. I grabbed her right hand, positioning her so she was still reclined but comfortable.
Ocean got in, closed the door, and made his way over to the bench seat in the middle of the limo. He kicked his Jordan’s up on the opposite bench as he plugged in the headphones he had grabbed out of his pocket.
Once the music started blaring from his ear buds, he closed his eyes throwing his head back against the glass. He was coming undone and trying to find comfort in music but I knew that wasn’t enough for a man like Ocean.
I wiped away the last stragglers of tears on Sunshine’s face as she watched Ocean.
“I’m sorry for hurting you Law. I can’t take it back so I won’t say I would if I could, but it wasn’t because of you. You guys have to believe that it wasn’t because of you. I love you both.”
I leaned my cheek against her head as I breathed in her vanilla scent. “I know you would and you’re right, you can’t. I want to be mad at you, I want to stay hurt, but I can’t. I want to ask you why until you give me an answer I can understand and come to terms with, but I can’t do that either. Sunshine, the only thing I want to do is take care of you, look out for you and love you.”
I heard her pull in a breath to speak but I cut her off.
“Not done yet, Sunshine. From the day you walked into my studio, I knew my life would never be the same. You walked into my life, stamped it with your mark as well as stomped all over my heart. Now I can’t picture life without having you with me. I meant what I said Sunshine. I don’t care what you think or how you feel about me. I’m going to be here. I’m going to see you every Tuesday and Sunday and every day after that until you get it through that beautiful, but hard as fuck head of yours that you are my Sunshine. I’m going to do everything and anything I can to get you back…to get you better.”
“A simple Sunshine you mean the world to me, don’t ever try to kill yourself again would have been just fine, Law.” She tried to tease but I was past the humor of this situation and for being a sarcastic bastard that said a hell of a lot.
“No it wouldn’t have because you don’t love yourself enough or care about yourself as much as I care about you. And until you get to that point, I’m going to be in your face like that zit before your next period that you get every fucking month, just as a friendly reminder that your aunt flow is coming to visit soon.”
She took her free hand to wipe away her tears and I kissed the top of her head. “I love you too Law. I won’t let you down.”
“I know Sunshine.”
The rest of the limo ride was quiet as I held Sunshine in my arms and watched Ocean slip further and further away from us with each passing second. He was definitely going to lose it on her and this time I couldn’t blame him.
Chapter Fifteen
Livie
I sat tightly hugged into Law with his arm draped around my shoulders keeping me close to his body. I watched as Law looked down at his Rolex every few minutes or so and I immediately knew that our time was running out together when his knees starting bouncing up and down nervously.
I shifted my gaze to Ocean and my heart tore a little more with each blink. I was surprised I had any heart left in my chest to be torn apart. Ocean was lost. His legs were also jumping up and down against the seat in front of him.
He still had his eyes closed with his ear buds plugged in with the music blaring so loud it was making my ears hurt for him. Ocean was slipping further and further away into a darkness that he would have to fight tooth and nail to get out of alive.
The desperation, anxiety, sense of self-loss, and hatred was something I knew all too well. It’s what led me to not want to deal with my emotions in life. I carried the burden as a young child thinking I was the cause of my mother miscarrying with my baby brother while Ocean was living with the burden of his sister’s blood on his hands. And now mine.
The limo made a sharp turn after the long stretch of straight road causing my stomach to drop into the seat below me. This was going to happen and it was going to happen sooner than later. I was going to be dropped off to heal, accept, and overcome the impossible.
Ocean knew the dreadful moment was coming soon too because the hand facing me was balled into a tight fist as he pushed down on the seat. His forearms where starting to bulge with veins as he was starting losing control.
Law shifted in his seat and when I turned my face to look at him, his eyes were locked on Ocean.
Shit this was going to be bad!
Law reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone. He immediately started texting someone. I didn’t bother to look over and see who because there was no point. I was not going home with them anymore, so what else was there for me to know other than my sentence in rehabilitation hell had finally come.
Of course, I could have actually succeeded in killing myself and this wouldn’t even matter. I tried to change my frame of mind in order to deal with this but who was I kidding? I was a girl who cut herself to make the emotional hurt fade away only to return stronger and bolder after each cut.
The limo made another turn and vomit rose up from my stomach, through my esophagus resting at the base of my throat, waiting for the most opportune moment to hurl out of me like a demon spirit being exercised.
I felt the tires underneath us come to a slow and peaceful stop. I turned to look into Law’s eyes. They were red and filled with unshed tears. I gave him the best smile I could muster and one of his tears sprang free.
With my good hand, I reached up and wiped it away. Leaning in closer I whispered into his ear. “Don’t be such a pussy Law. I thought you were my life coach and life coaches don’t show weakness. I need you to be strong for me, Law. Can you do that? Can you beat me down emotionally, spiritually, and physically until I get it through my beautiful thick skull that I am loved not only by you but also Ocean, Layla and Unk. Most importantly, I need to love myself. Can you do it Law?”
He smiled wide as two more tears slipped free. “If that’s what you need from me. Then Sunshine, I got one hell of an order of in your face disaster therapy coming right up. Of course I can do it, I’m Lawrence Nathaniel-fucking-Hawthorne, you know?”
I gave him a wink and he kissed my forehead, taking a long pause breathing me in. He took in an unsteady breath as
he scooted towards the door opening it, slipping out, and closing it gently behind him. I caught a glimpse of a huge facility when he opened the door. My prison was only feet away.
Could I do this? Can I do this?
I looked at Ocean, whose movements stilled. He had his ear buds still in but his eyes where no longer closed. He was looking at me with wild and tortured eyes. He wasn’t just looking at me. Ocean was taking a mental picture of me the way I was right now.
I hoped the picture was only to remind him of me but with the defeat playing on his features, I knew it was to remember the girl he once loved, the once upon a time girl he almost made it to happily ever after with.
I braced my right hand on to the seat, attempting to scoot over closer to the door facing my impending doom outside of the limos doors.
Before I could lift my ass off the seat, Ocean sprang up and entrapped me between his hot bulging arms as he placed one on either side of me.
I looked into his eyes, searching for any trace of familiarity that was my Ocean. What I saw instead were pools of dark whiskey colored eyes that were glazed over; they were filled with pain, hurt, anger, love, regret, blame, and loneliness.
“Let me help you.” his voice was low, raspy, and pained.
Ocean was struggling to think, see, and breathe. I could feel it in my soul. I could feel his unraveling.
I nodded my head, not daring to put up a fight or any form of resistance. Before he moved to the door, he opened his mouth to say something… maybe his last words before our tragic goodbye but instead he snapped his mouth shut.
I looked down at my lap wanting to say something, anything that would give him hope. But, if what I’d already said since I woke up didn’t mean anything then nothing was enough to give him the hope I needed him to have in me.
He cleared his throat still searching for the words. “Liv.”
“Yes, Ocean.”
“I love you Livie. I will always love you.”
“I know Ocean, I will always love you too and I will always be in love with you.”
He lowered his head, seeking the comfort of his favorite place to find solace. He gently kissed his spot on my neck then pulled away to gently kiss my lips, cheeks, my eyelids, nose, and my forehead.
Oceans Submerged: Book Two, the Oceans Series Page 6
