Down the Road to Eternity

by M. A. C. Farrant

  The green plastic Buddha sits on my desk, scotch-taped to a rock you brought back from the beach, its gaping, idiot face still saving me from nothing.

  VACATION TIME

  Each summer during the two weeks of vacation time goldfish flee their bowls to build dazzling orange nests in trees. Monkeys, lions and snakes trade places with accountants, lawyers, and priests, holidaying in another kind of zoo. Free birds fly voluntarily into cages allowing their rarer brothers a two-week dose of the sky. All the hard-working ants, red and black, get two weeks off to loaf on the beach. Worms crawl out of their dirty holes to hang like brown tinsel from the eaves of churches.

  During the two weeks of vacation time every wronged animal is avenged: gangs of domestic cats and kamikaze budgies rampage the streets in search of juvenile delinquents; a committee of gerbils and hamsters makes plans for the eradication of small boys; angry butterflies work round the clock sharpening their specimen daggers; pet turtles grow temporarily huge commanding their owners to languish in slimy tanks on the front lawn—two weeks go by and they don’t feed them or change the water.

  During vacation time, old women watch in horror as their pet terriers turn into porcelain dogs, as their china figurines come leeringly alive—girls with parasols, boys with fishing poles—to run off for two weeks of fragile sex in a place far away from glass cabinets.

  THERE IS A COMPETITION FOR THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF THE PEOPLE

  1. EARTH, AIR, FIRE, WATER

  EARTH

  He is calling for an end to the fighting and three days later the government strike heats up and one man was wrestled to the ground. And the cupboard is bare and the union was blamed and we sought to confront the deficit and it could be law within a few days. And we continue to crawl out of the recession and strong growth in the manufacturing sector is forecast and guidelines were laid down and tougher guidelines were laid down in July. And he was not available for comment. And a former justice minister has died and the service sector is suffering. They were stopped by police and their dogs at the border. They are planning to file a complaint and have released their plans. They promise to regain the public interest. A major announcement will come tomorrow and he is keeping his options open and he is convinced he has to do something and no details were released.

  AIR

  He’s here to open a trade office and a moderate earthquake shook the city last night and canned goods from supermarket shelves fell onto supermarket aisles. A makeshift morgue has been set up in a football field and the scientists are worried. And the women are worried about take-it-or-leave-it propositions. A delegation was told they should listen to the people but he warns of major stumbling blocks. He says real reasons were sought and key proposals are missing. A major reconstruction program has been set up and a similar plan was put on hold four years ago. He’s meeting with the strongest resistance. The women say the process has completely retreated behind closed doors and he says he may not be able to maintain his headquarters and the peacekeepers are nervous. The rescuers are searching through the rubble. A flock of whooping cranes is to be released in Florida next month.

  FIRE

  He still refuses to resign and the protesters have been ordered to disperse. Police will use tear gas if necessary. They’re bracing for a bad news budget and thousands have been left homeless. Most of the key suspects avoided capture by committing suicide and the coroner’s report is not optimistic. He says he’s no fan of the current round of talks; the most critical answers to the most critical questions are still unresolved. Earlier police shot into crowds of protesters. A crowd throwing stones blocked the visit. They fired a warning shot across the bow of the conference. They do not want a confrontation with their giant neighbour. Everyone believes he is behind the violent demonstrations. They say he has psychiatric problems but they don’t believe he is dangerous. One of the workers says he fears for his life.

  WATER

  There is a competition for the hearts and minds of the people. It began last week and continues despite stiff opposition. Representatives from the warring factions have been arguing over the plan. The lines are being drawn, the promises given. The proposals are being looked at. He says the victims must take action and a prosperity council is being called for but may be delayed. So far fifty managers from four departments say they’ll come to the table. Millions of taxpayers are baffled and the officials insist that there is nothing wrong. More then a million people risk starvation this winter. The party manipulated public fears and now there are concerns. A nicotine by-product has seeped into the nation’s drinking supply. And a new rule will be announced tomorrow. He says today’s meeting wasn’t easy to organize, special deals had to be arranged and he is clearly dissatisfied with the results. There is a void and it needs to be filled. People are dying every day. The ministry says they will look into the matter. There are too many discrepancies in the story. It’s possible there are people out there who have information.

  2. ALTERED STATEMENTS

  THE DEPARTMENT OF HOPE

  If the public has been confused again, we’re sorry. We know it happens each morning at daybreak with the unearthing of the Image Store and, like most citizens, we’re concerned with the eruption of unsanctioned images which can appear at that time, particularly those images of sickness and death, and of phantom landscapes emitting a strange and haunting beauty. Our early morning radio newscasts which break into sleep have been designed to subvert these rebel images and we urge citizens to make use of them.

  We at the Department understand your distress but again remind you that it is dangerous to indulge in independent dreaming and fantasizing or in exotic reading of any kind. Indeed, we actively discourage these seditious practices. Our aim at the Department is the eradication of the unknown and we’re confident that the citizenry endorses this goal.

  A machine which will program your imagination for you is in the developing stages. In the meantime, continue with your imagination suppressants.

  ADDENDUM FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF DEPTH

  We realize that the public’s impatience with life is due to their lack of success during this season’s egg hunt and we take full responsibility for the hunt’s failure. Many citizens have complained that the eggs were not only too cleverly hidden but were disguised as well and therefore we regret the confusion that the giant babies caused. The eggs, of course, were hidden in the babies’ fists. But because the babies were hideous, deformed and mindless, as well as being giant, the public refused to approach them. We apologize for the distress and the deaths that subsequently occurred—the public wailing, the suicide epidemic. The giant babies, we believed, were a clever foil for the eggs, and we’d hoped that the public would be more enterprising in searching them out. We know that many citizens feel that something important has been left out of their lives and consequently devote much time and frenzy to the egg hunts in order to recover what they believe they have lost. It is regrettable that this season so few eggs were discovered; each egg contained a drop of wisdom in the form of a printed message imbedded in hexagonal prisms on the egg’s surface. The failure of this season’s egg hunt has meant that the public’s imagination has been left in a dangerous state of flux.

  In order to calm the widespread agitation, several of our staff will be on the road during the month of March. As a gesture of goodwill, the Department has initiated a replacement search, one which should not be too difficult for the public to grasp and which offers citizens an opportunity for levity.

  Workers will be appearing incognito at public gatherings and the Department is pleased to issue two clues as to their identities:

  Clue #l – They will be alone, aloof, and bemused, indicating by their manner an overwhelming lack of need.

  Clue #2 – During the course of conversation they will be imparting three new insights.

  The job of each citizen is, first, to identify the field worker and then to engage him or her in conversation during which time the insights will be revealed in ful
l. The three insights are about death, bagpipe music and balding men, and will be imparted in a lively and amusing manner. We are confident that these new insights will create in each citizen a feeling of joy.

  A caution, however. The joy will be temporary, lasting only until the Department’s next event, the annual giraffe sightings, when the public’s mood will change to one of awe. Already several hundred giraffes are being groomed for the event, their long necks craning above their enclosures in anticipation of the sweet geranium plants which many citizens shyly place for them on their apartment balconies.

  PAPER

  That’s right, Ma’am, we have only one piece of paper left and when we get another one we’ll let you know. In the meantime you’ll have to try working with empty spaces. There’s much to be done with those. No, we don’t know when to expect a second piece; these things aren’t subject to any known predictions. Paper arrives when it will but we have our people working on it. The last paper storm was some years ago, on the Prairies, but because of the rush, much of it was ripped. And you know we can’t predict the storms. As for free paper, it flutters from the heavens at odd occurrences, so there’s no predicting that either. Why don’t you try sitting under an oak tree at a full moon and see what happens? It could be some time before we get another piece in. Yes, we know it’s difficult; our people suggest you try silence instead. Or if you’re desperate, what about the margins of old books? Many have tried pasting margins together with some success although we agree it’s not the same because of the flaking. Yes, we’re sure you’ve used up your allotment of cardboard boxes but that’s no reason to start crying. What about walls? Many are doing that now. The series of novel houses, each room a chapter. It’s brought a revival of reader participation for those so inclined. Yes, we realize the electronic screen is useless, there’s no taking it to bed and, no, you can’t have this last piece of paper. Something of importance might have to be said. In the meantime, take a number and wait in line.

  EXPERIMENTS

  The practice of putting old people inside metal cages and placing them in schoolyards is to be discouraged. There is not one shred of evidence to support the view that this activity will retard the aging process. Our experiments with caged old people have shown that it is not possible to infuse youth; youth is not a scent that can be worn to dissolve the years. And hundreds of children swarming over such a cage, we have observed, will not result in the immediate suppleness of an old person’s skin. If anything, under such conditions, old people become even more cranky than they already are; it has been reported that a number of children have been viciously scratched by the elderly trying to grab their arms and legs through the cage bars.

  There are side-effects from the caging of old people, as well. Namely: they rapidly turn a dull yellow colour—both skin and clothing—which is unpleasant to view; they become adept at issuing profanities, delivered in the shriller tones of the musical scale; and if left unattended for longer than two weeks they turn into granite, an inferior type of stone of little use to the industrial world.

  Our experiments further indicate that the youth of children cannot be extracted, rubbed off or otherwise worn with positive results by an old person. Practices such as jumping from schoolyard roofs into groups of children, smothering oneself with children at birthday parties, rolling with them under Christmas trees, or the wearing of small children on the back like a bulky shawl is of little use as is the practice of maintaining a child-like demeanour. For this reason, the Department of Experiments strongly suggests that old people abandon the pursuit of joy and return to their small, airless rooms. We find it distressing to witness their mindless capering on the public lawns—old men riding tricycles, old women dancing with each other in wedding dresses. The public lawns should be left to the solemn pursuit of childhood play.

  URGENT MISSIVE CONCERNING THE BORING WHITE WOMAN LOBBY

  Even though it is the stated mandate of this Department to integrate minority groups into mainstream culture whenever and wherever possible, the Department is still not willing to entertain the demands from the Boring White Woman lobby. We are not yet convinced that they constitute a minority in the classic sense, despite their repeated attempts to convince us otherwise—the petitions, demonstrations, media events, and so forth. Events, we might add, which can only be described as exercises in pitiless whining. Furthermore, the Department rejects their claim that they constitute a minority group because they live—happily, they insist—with men. Attendance on children is also not proof of visible minority status and no amount of Mother’s Day cards delivered to this office in black plastic bags will persuade us otherwise. Motherhood has been known to cross all boundaries, both of gender and colour, and is not the special domain of Boring White Women. In fact, we expect a public apology from the Boring White Woman lobby because of their challenge to our declaration that the old-style nuclear family is dead; we expect nothing less than their denouncing of this abhorrent fantasy.

  The aim of this Department is the disbanding of the Boring White Woman lobby into more appropriate groupings—into one of the many victim groups, perhaps, or into associations for the specifically afflicted.

  Staff are again reminded that fraternizing with Boring White Women will not be tolerated, and any Department member who attends a Boring White Woman event as a guest will be immediately dismissed. (Refer to the enclosed invitation, THE BORING WHITE WOMAN REVUE.) Such invitations are never harmless; Boring White Women are legendary for their guile and deviously feminine ways while maintaining an outer appearance of shallowness. In truth, they are extremists and their attempts to gain minority status are merely an infiltration tactic, a ploy to regain their formerly privileged position.

  The influence of the Boring White Woman lobby must be countered at every turn; they’ve had enough special attention and their access to special programmes for minority groups will continue to be denied. Do not believe the Boring White Woman lobby when they claim they are lesbians, if not in body, then at least in heart.

  Effective immediately, there will be a ban on Boring White Woman charity events. The Department of Diversity declares that citizens will no longer be won over by the obvious sentiment of such endeavours. The Diseases and the Poor will now be championed by one of the minority groups from our approved list, crushing once and for all, we believe, the irritatingly benevolent social worker image for which the Boring White Woman is renowned. As well, the following bans continue: bridge groups; committee work; self-help groups which focus on maintaining loving relationships with men; and mindless consumerism which, we now know, is the special province of Boring White Women.

  Field workers are urged to continue in their derision of the Boring White Woman lobby, keeping in mind our recent and spectacular successes in dealing with their counterpart, The Dead White Male, now reduced to whimpering on the sidelines of history.

  In closing, congratulations are due to those staff members who have successfully forayed into Boring White Woman territory—the suburbs. The Department is pleased to note that several of our favourite special interest groups are now operating within the public schools where they have wrested control of the parent-teacher agendas. It is cheering to see the Boring White Woman lobby marginalized to the status of hot dog server where it belongs. May they remain there.

  DISASTERS

  Field report: five households surveyed.

  Household #1: All the disasters were pretty good but we liked the California earthquake the best because of the way the freeway bridge snapped in half like it was a pretzel. We liked seeing the survivors and rescuers tell their stories; they looked so beautiful on TV, so solemn and eloquent. Some even cried and we liked that; we appreciated the way the camera got up close to their faces, catching their tears in mid-flow.

  Household #2: Watching the volcano erupt and the lava flow in its slow, deadly path towards the subdivision was pretty upsetting for everyone and we were glad there was a panel discussion after the show because our fears
were erupting all over the living room and we needed reassurance. Volcano experts said eruptions only occur where there’s a volcano, so we’re glad we live on the flatlands; no lava’s ever going to squish our house even though it looked nice in the TV picture, cracked grey and hot pink inside, quite lovely. What we have to worry about here is snakes and poisonous spiders and you should have a disaster show about them, the way the victims die and all that.

  Household #3: We hated the hurricane; it was so boring. No rooftops flying, no cars flipping over. You do see a couple of black kids crouched beneath a freeway overpass and a lot of severely blown grass but so what? The only interesting thing was the way the hurricane dwarfed ordinary ranchers but we only got to see that for a couple of seconds. On the whole, don’t bother with hurricanes again. Not unless we get to see some real destruction, squashed bodies and a lot of blood. We give the hurricane a 2.

  Household #4: The flash flood in New Mexico made everyone mad. Because it served them right. There they were, a guy and a woman and her six-year-old daughter sitting on the roof of a pickup truck, stranded in the middle of a muddy, fast-flowing river. They shouldn‘t have been there in the first place, any idiot could see that. That guy was stupid (stupid!) to drive across the river. Several residents of the area even said as much. In future, if you’re going to have a flash flood you’d better warn people not to drive through it. Watching that guy and woman and kid on top of the pickup for so long was really irritating. We could imagine the argument they were probably having because the guy figured he could make it and didn’t. And not the kid’s father, either, that was obvious—baseball cap, fat, and a beer drinker to boot, a low-life is what we figured. When the helicopter finally came our hearts went out to the Grandmother waiting on the shore with a blanket for the kid. Everyone here hopes she’ll get custody of the kid because it’s plain the mother has no sense when it comes to men; her choice nearly cost the kid her life.