The BeAst Of Me (The Beast And Me Book 5)

by D. S. Wrights

  The BeAst of Me

  The Beast and Me V

  D.S. Wrights

  Copyright © 2016 D.S. Wrights

  All rights reserved.

  For Padyn.

  A huge THANK YOU goes out to my Beasties!

  Especially my Beta-Beasties!

  Thank you, Annie!

  Prologue

  Before you saved me, my world was red.

  All I felt was all that Hell was made of: rage, fury, wrath, fear, horror, murder, death, killing. All I was, was black and red. You brought back color, softness, warmth.

  I refuse to believe that this is gone.

  I am still hoping that you need time to return to yourself. Maybe you need me now, just like I needed you.

  I still need you.

  It’s not a cheesy phrase. It’s a fact.

  I need you.

  Just writing that I love you is not strong enough.

  It doesn’t describe what I feel for you.

  You are my cause, you are the reason I am, the reason I still am, that I am again.

  How can I express this in a way you can feel it yourself?

  I don’t know.

  When you are reading this now, if you are reading this now, you have maybe read it all. You know where I was, how I felt, when I was in that coma.

  That darkness was and is still with me.

  You have read about the fire, the acid, the brute force that is inside of me. The Beast. You know it, you have seen it.

  You planted a tiny light inside of me, to fight off the darkness. You gave me the gentleness to tame that Beast. You showed me that I was torn and softly put me back together.

  Saying that you saved me doesn’t describe it strong enough. It’s too weak to write it like this.

  You took a burned, torn, black and red canvas and painted a masterpiece, ignoring that it wouldn’t be perfect because of its deranged state.

  You believed in me, trusted me, loved me despite everything.

  How can I not tear myself into pieces for you? How can I not lay myself at your feet? How can I not do everything in my power and more for you?

  I would undo myself just to see you smile at me again.

  I would become that monster again, but without regrets, without doubt, without self-loathing, for you. I would do everything and more for you.

  Do you read this, Clay Severin?

  EVERYTHING.

  Day 143

  “You need to let it out,” Meghan whispered to me, while she kept her eyes locked to the ground; her lips were barely moving when she spoke, but I could read them and hear her, almost as if she was inside my head: “If you keep it locked away for too long it’s going to overwhelm you.”

  Her hand was placed against the mirror, which I could easily break to reach out and touch her, but there would be consequences, and I couldn’t risk not seeing her again. I had placed my hand against hers. I could feel the warmth of her seeping through the glass. It felt almost as if I was touching her. But it wasn’t enough.

  After all these days, weeks even, I lost control. And it wasn’t because she had told me to, because if it was my choice I would have kept it imprisoned inside of me. But my beast listened to hers.

  I can’t remember what I did, because it wasn’t me. My beast went on a rampage. It was blind rage, that kind of rage I can’t control, because it knocks me out, me and my consciousness. I trashed the place. My beast did. To my surprise, it didn’t break the mirror. Maybe it’s smarter than I think. It knows, like I do, that there will be consequences if that ever happens. We have to play by their rules.

  I wasn’t going to continue writing a diary. It didn’t seem to have any purpose, now that Meghan has mine. But after my outbreak, after my beast went back into its cage on its own, I found this diary on my bed.

  So, I guess it’s doctor’s orders. I don’t know if Severin or Valerie put it there, or maybe someone else entirely. But I found this black notebook and it had a copy of the last pages of my diary that was given to Meghan tucked inside.

  Is it a reminder?

  Or is it mockery?

  I can’t think. I’m worn out. Meghan was right, of course. If I had let out my beast earlier, or more regularly, then it wouldn’t have kidnapped my body and locked me out. But I can’t. That I found myself sitting in the corner of the monitoring room to Meghan’s hospital room, in my human form is a miracle. I can’t control it. And I’m afraid that if I let it out, it won’t go back in its cage when I want it to. Not after… not after Severin told me that Meghan is pregnant… again. That this was the reason for her coma after all. They wanted to make sure that she’s not losing it again.

  God, what have I done? This is what happens if I don’t control myself. This is what happens when I let go. This is what happens when I’m in one room with her.

  I’ve made too many improvements ever since I first saw her. I kept all my promises and let them prod and probe me. I even started to train a group of promising beasts. I’m not sure if they are aware that their own leader isn’t fully in balance with his beast.

  I thought I was. But I’m not. And it’s their fault.

  They send me on a mission, with no orders about how to execute it. Of course, the whole idea was for them to see how I would perform and how I would approach the situation, beast and all. After all, it was an assassination. The perfect job for a beast. And that was when I realized that they don’t want the best of me, they want the beast of me. And, for all I know, that’s the worst anyone can become. Not a beast, but a demon.

  I’ve seen it happening to my comrades. And I’m talking about those whom I have been entrusted with. Those few who have made peace with their new selves – unlike me – and who even appear to enjoy what Severin has turned them into – unlike me. And then there is that big black hole no one is talking about. Torres, my number one, the second in command, is not with us. Wheeler, who can be a pain in the ass, but is the glue that always kept us together isn’t there, either. Which only means that they cannot handle their new situation, or – even worse – handled it all too well.

  I need Torres. Nina was always the one I could talk things through with, whose opinion and perspective often helps me make those hard decisions one must make when being a leader. And then Wheeler… Daniel might not think he has leadership skills, but he has, and he is a team player, and he makes everyone fall into their spot. Without the two of them, I feel almost helpless. I don’t know if I can do it, but I know I must.

  At least they allow me to see Meghan.

  “You need to let it out.” How did she know? Why does she always seem to know?

  The last few days were pure chaos. Imprisoning my beast while killing this man I have no clue about, was more than painful.

  They told me where he would be. They got me close to him at the industrial harbor while he was checking on some cargo, which was illegal, dangerous or neither, gave me no weapon, and expected me to kill him.

  In retrospect, they probably wanted me to maul him, or shred him into pieces, but that’s not me. And it wouldn’t make any sense how a wolf, mountain lion or bear could end up at an industrial site.

  He had security, but I had orders to kill him and only him, no collateral, and because of that, I couldn’t let my beast out, because I don’t trust it. Even though it is a part of me and has shown that it can be civilized, I can’t take any risks. I just can’t And Meghan tells me to just let go? What does she know that I don’t?

  I’m rambling…

  It was an easy kill, even if I wasn’t a beast, but it surely helped making it go smoothly. What I have learned in the last weeks is how to access beast abilities in human form. Th
ey are weaker than while in beast form but still better, enhanced, as a human. I guess, maybe, that’s what they were aiming for in the first place. I can’t imagine, whoever is behind this, wanted Severin to create werewolves – or whatever term they are using for us.

  I managed to sneak up on the guy by climbing up into the ceiling structure and then down the beam that was closest to him. I snapped his neck as if it was a mere twig and was out of there within seconds.

  I know I’m a soldier. I’m supposed to expect that I might kill someone, but doing it like that? Nothing prepares you for it. In combat, you use rifles, AK’s, guns. but I was never trained to do it with my bare hands. I was a normal soldier, no special unit. I was supposed to bring peace, not death…

  It’s terrifying how easy it was, but even more that, I’m not haunted by it. That’s not me either, but I don’t care. That’s why I know that I have changed, drastically. I’m not the boy who lost his siblings, I’m not the man who is trying to protect his childhood friend, I’m not the pre-med student that became a soldier to make a difference. I’m none of that. And it’s all my fault.

  Loving Meghan… it was a sanctuary for me, but now… I’m willing to do anything and everything to keep her save, to have her close, and I’m not sure if… I don’t know. I just don’t know.

  I love her. And that’s what is killing me.

  It’s not her fault. It’s mine.

  And I got her pregnant…

  I don’t even know if this is a good idea. Writing down what’s in my head because right now, it’s just chaos.

  I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. Trying to accept my beast… it has changed me and I feel as if it has changed me in a way I don’t like and I’m not able to stop or reverse.

  Yes, I love her, I love Meghan so much it hurts, it’s killing me, it’s messing with my head. What I’ve agreed to do for her. I never thought I would go there. For her, for the baby. I’m going to be a father, but a father of… what?

  I doubt that it will be human, not entirely. The way Severin behaves, acts around me, it’s as if it’s Christmas and Thanksgiving on one day, and add Halloween while you’re at it.

  They put her in a coma to make sure that she won’t lose it. It… Oh God, what have I done? How could I be so irresponsible? That poor…

  Meghan’s pregnant and it’s all Severin ever wanted. He acts as if he’s the father. He’s so proud, so smug, I want to crush and fold him into a nice little package of meat and bones… and this thought is so unlike me.

  This… being, is my responsibility. I did this to Meghan, I did this to the unborn life inside of her. I did this.

  And I thought I was on the path of redemption. I just make everything worse.

  And watching her, watching Meghan. She’s so weak, and she’s suffering. Will she ever be able to forgive me? Can she even bear the thought of… whatever is growing inside of her?

  I’m sitting here now, on my bed, writing these lines, trying to wrap my head around this reality I am in. And I realize… All of this…it has to end. It has to end with how it started. With me.

  Day 145

  I’m no good at this. Writing down my feelings. Writing down anything. With the last diary… that had a purpose, it was to help Meghan understand, but now? What am I supposed to write down now? I’m not going to put my daily regime onto paper, or anything else for that matter. What use does it have when I describe which person I had to beat the crap out of to get them back in line?

  Being a beast doesn’t come easy to anyone. Sure, there are some that manage to accept that they now have a second nature that bursts into life, takes them over and does their thing. And I know that I am entrusted with those who manage to control themselves, somehow.

  I already write reports; what is this for?

  I’m going to be flown out this evening. I have a new ‘assignment’, which is the nicer word for ‘assassination’. I’m not sure what worries me more: being okay with it, or hoping to perform to their utmost satisfaction so I get to see Meghan.

  Meghan. I honestly don’t know if I want to see her. I can’t believe that I just wrote that. But it’s true. Meghan is pregnant, and if it’s mine, then it won’t be normal. I can’t believe I wrote that either. Why shouldn’t it be mine?

  I don’t know what would be worse. No, that’s a lie. It would be worse if it’s not mine and still a beast. And that’s plain selfish, because, in the end, it wouldn’t make any difference, because that poor child would still be a beast.

  Can anyone imagine that? What might grow inside of her? It could be something else entirely, because it is something that has never existed before. Who knows what it will end up like? And even if it’s born as a human, and can shift into this primal form. Even if it’s healthy, what will that poor thing have to go through?

  Us soldiers, we were trained to focus on our task, to push our emotions aside and follow orders, even when we don’t agree with them. But a child? What if it’s having a tantrum as a toddler and shifts? It would have to grow up all alone, without friends, because there is a chance that it might kill its friends.

  When I think about it…

  No one can do that to a child. It’s beyond cruel.

  I want to be okay with it. I want to be happy for her. A new life… my child… I cannot think straight. I don’t know what to do, what to feel, how to act.

  How am I supposed to act around her, knowing that she’s pregnant, knowing that it is going to be a hybrid of beast and human. There is no way of knowing what it will be like once it’s born. Will it be in a beast state? Will it ever be able to shift? Into a human or a beast, or whatever?

  Can this happen? That poor thing. It’s just…

  Thank God for my assignment. For something I can focus on, concentrate on, because, right now, I’m derailing at full speed.

  But in the end, I know, I must face what is happening right now. The assignment is taking me away for one, maybe a few days, but when I come back things will still be the same. In the end, it’s still Meghan’s child, the woman I love. In the end, it’s still my child and my responsibility. I must face it. I can’t run away from it. And I will be there for both. I will be there and be the best father I possibly can. If Severin allows it. God, help me if he doesn’t allow it. I can’t deny it. It’s the worst nightmare.

  Day 147

  She’s lost the baby. Meghan… she had lost the child, and I… I don’t know what to say, or what to feel, or what to do.

  They got me after it happened. The only normal thing they ever did. They pulled me out of one session, not really telling me what was going on. They brought me to her room and I… I almost knew it already, but it was Valerie Winter’s face that gave me the confirmation. There was something off about her expression, but she… she felt bad. And that’s when I knew.

  I feel sick to my stomach. I feel guilty. I know it can’t be my fault, but… I couldn’t accept it… the life growing inside of her, the life that I fathered and now… now it’s gone. And I… I am relieved.

  But her screams of agony, they led me to her room, they made me run, fast, not caring that I left the guards behind that were supposed to accompany me. I would have torn the fortified door down along with its frame, if Valerie hadn’t been there. She let me into her room and I just saw her, lying there, suffering, mourning. When I saw Meghan… when I saw her sorrow, I felt her pain. I still do, and I feel so guilty.

  The stench of blood instantly invaded my nose. Blood. I had been away. I hadn’t been there for her. I hadn’t been there when it happened. I was somewhere across the country killing someone. And there was a part of me that had been relieved to learn that she had lost…

  My beast was devastated, even more devastated than me, and it took over control, instantly and easily. For the first time, I was grateful for it. I was eagerly stepping back, becoming a bystander, taking the backseat as my body climbed on that bed and pulled her into a tight embrace, trying to take away at least a fraction of t
hat pain she was feeling. I just hoped that it would push me so far away that I wouldn’t be awake. But I was.

  Her sobbing is still haunting me. Just like the smell of blood and the way she was curled up in her bed. And the fact that she had to go through this so I could eventually hold her in my arms. And I am so selfish. Holding her… holding her is the only salvation I will ever know.

  She was so cold, trembling, as if all life had oozed out of her, not only the one we created. And yet, I couldn’t mourn for it, because I knew, I am certain, that not living was the best for that little thing.

  I hate myself for saying that.

  But having her close, hearing how her breath became less shallow, deeper, and how her heart beat calmed down, falling into step with mine… it was a little piece of heaven. Her falling asleep in my arms… there are no words for it. I don’t deserve her. She should be at her dorm, making friends, studying whichever major she chose, and not be here, being degraded down to a breeding machine…

  “Jay,” she whispered almost inaudibly and for a moment there I thought her voice was just in my head, a figment of a dream.

  That was when I remembered that I was in Meghan’s room, having her on my lap with her legs pulled beneath her, tucking her into her blanket tightly.

  “I’m here,” I murmured against her hair, kissing the top of her head. “I got you.”

  The only important thing is to make her feel safe and comfortable, because it’s the only thing I can do for her.

  Hearing my words, she moved, just barely enough to look at me, and I loosened my grip on her body just enough so that she could fully turn and look at me. Instinctively, I pressed my lips against her forehead, so that I wouldn’t have to look at her straight. Meghan didn’t seem to notice; instead she shifted around enough that she brought her legs next to mine and could sit up. I took a deep breath, bracing myself, while still looking down until I carefully met her gaze, her eyes puffy and swollen from her crying. I wanted to die right there and take it all with me. There was no way on earth, heaven or hell that she would find a normal life as she was supposed to. The least I could do was try and give to her what Severin had taken.