by Ron Foster
Floyd had on some reindeer antler hat he evidently kept from some bygone Xmas that fit him better than the dog and was pushing Charles water barrel cart and all the while encouraging that ox of a dog to help with the load.
“45 gallons”, they all said in union as Dennis realized he was not going to be drinking with just imaginary friends for one of his prepper fiction books today.
Well then, welcome, welcome to ya! Let’s see what we got here he said moving towards the wagon just as a crème colored van next came into view cresting the hill on the dead end of his prepper road.
“Now you all know that’s my sweetie coming in, do me a favor Monica, you go and try to square it with my old lady and Charlie you quit saying oomph and smirking at me you old codger, while you wondering how in the world I am going to finagle all these goings ons.” Dennis said reluctantly beginning to leave the untapped booze barrel.
4
Much Ado about Something
Lorraine had some how managed to bring herself to corral Dennis’s mom in conversation at the back of the house as Suzy drove in to the driveway. Charlene and Monica were having amnesias during this discourse and Charles was helping Floyd unhitch that miniature locomotive of a dog he had when Floyd passed a glass full of stump knocker to Dennis for his educated palates approval.
Well conversations and renditions of the old movie blazing saddles commenced because of the camptown ladies song and the next thing you know ol Dennis was instigating moving this little party elsewhere like back all the way back to Charles place. It seems that the revelers were only playing drunk as a prank on Dennis, but he knew that could be soon rectified once the taste testing of their devils brew began, Dennis hadn’t proofed the ethanol alcohol for himself yet so he didn’t know how much of it could be used as a 50/50 mixture with gasoline to run the cars and what amount could remain for further distillation or social drinking.
“To bad he couldn’t make that foamy elixir he loved so much called BEER!” Dennis mused to himself.
“Hey Dennis, looks like you picked up a few more quests.” Suzy said smiling and giving Dennis a hug.
“No telling who might show up if you leave the drive way gates open.” Dennis said smiling but still a bit miffed that his friends had forgot his mom’s views on alcohol when they were playing this joke on him.
“How was the interstate Suzy? Any Problems?” Dennis asked looking serious and trying to ignore the whispers and smiles of his friends that were distracting him.
“Well better than I expected but yet much worse than you would think.” Suzy answered in a puzzling fashion.
“Could always be worse than I think it is, what do you mean sweetie?” Dennis said not understanding what she was implying.
“Well I mean there are not as many broke down cars on the side of the road as you would expect but some of those back roads got some very strange and weird goings on, I will tell you all about those dangers later.” She said looking at Charles’s enormous dog heading their way with his silly dog grin to say hi to Dennis or check out the new stranger.
“He is an all right ol hound; big baby really, you just need to let him sniff you before you try patting him. He likes that ritual a lot and if you respect it, well then he is just a big overgrown pup that wants his butt rubbed. Very smart though that dog knows a ton of words and sits and listens to conversations like he understands what we are talking about.” Dennis said rubbing the dogs big lop eared boney head.
Suzy did the meet and great with Rastus the bulldog while Dennis and Charlie looked on approvingly. Dennis then took a tentative swig out of the glass Floyd had given and sort of squenched his face up in a display of distaste and tried to catch his breath from downing the scorching fiery distillate.
“Damn Floyd what in the world did you do? Filter this through your socks!” Dennis said eying Floyd and Charles and making even more faces while he looked for a some kind of liquid chaser to get the foul taste out of his mouth.
“It ain`t so bad, it’s uncut straight from that table top still and we used your sugar recipe to make it. Maybe it just needs aging a might.” Charles said a bit put off that Dennis didn’t seem happy with all the work and effort that went into creating this big barrel of joy juice,
“It don’t need aging so much as filtering, you forgot a step or two in the directions I think. It’s easily fixed though. Floyd if you don’t mind get with Charlene and pour this glass and a bit more of a barrel sample through the Brita water filter pitcher. That charcoal in it will put a polish on this white lightening and we can sip some of it without killing ourselves. “Dennis said and then spit on the ground once again with a slight coughing shudder and tried another sip even though he knew better.
“Bleh! You put possum innards in this Floyd? No worries Charles. We just got to get a few of them fiery embers out of that turpentine you made so it knows its supposed to be good sipping whisky.” Dennis said jokingly as he made yet another asshole sucking a lemon face.
“I still say it ain`t all that bad as is.” Charles said drinking whatever mixed drink concoction Monica had came up with and pretending he really liked it.
Most likely it was some kind of flavoring she had dreamed up using lemon or lime juice. Monica put lemon or lime juice in just about everything from wine to whisky which reminded Dennis that he sure was glad for his lemon and lime citrus trees. He had over wintered them in the ground at his farmstead in south Alabama this year and no matter what the books said about cold weather and bringing them inside he was still going to get another fine crop luckily.
“I will offer you a drink in a bit after we bead test it and maybe cut it with some water. Charles what proof alcohol do you think that rotgut is?’ “Dennis queried starring at the jar like it held paint thinner.
A quick estimate of the alcoholic strength, or proof, of the distillate (the ratio of alcohol to water) is often achieved by shaking a clear container of the distillate. Large bubbles (bead) with a short duration indicate higher alcohol content, while smaller bubbles that disappear more slowly indicate the increasing presence of water.
“I am guessing it to be about 90 proof but you check it with the hydrometer.” Charles replied hesitantly.
“It burns blue just fine though!” Charles exclaimed grinning though as Dennis raised his eyebrows.
A common folk test for the quality of moonshine was to pour a small quantity of it into a spoon and set it on fire. The theory was that a safe distillate burns with a blue flame, but a tainted distillate burns with a yellow flame. Practitioners of this simple test also held that if a radiator coil had been used as a condenser, then there would be lead in the distillate, which would give a reddish flame. This led to the mnemonic, "Lead burns red and makes you dead." Although the flame test will show the presence of lead and fusel oils, it will not reveal the presence of methanol (also poisonous), which burns with an invisible flame
“Remind me to question the hell out of you thoroughly before I partake of anything you offer me as food or drink in the future.” Dennis said only half kidding.
“You ain`t died yet! “ Charles said poking him playfully in the shoulder.
“Yea and I would dang sure like to keep it that way!” Dennis laughed back but still wondered if that first sip hadn’t burned off some of his tongues taste buds permanently.
“Hey, uh Miss Suzy darling. Mom don’t know you might be here for the duration yet and these hijinks of Charles and crew most likely got her on edge so we are going to keep this first introduction short and corral all these heathens back up towards Charles house and talk some Moonshine Mountain politics and maybe a little neighborhood parlay. “ Dennis said thinking he could get Jamie up the street to let his wife Marlene and kids visit his mom while they were discussing the merits of making what the non partying folks thought was a gasohol convention experiment to work on the fuel shortages.
Those two ladies were not dumb by a long shot and knew that the efforts of bad boys Charles and Dennis to assuage th
e gas shortage also made for some good adult beverage, they just preferred not to know or acknowledge and afforded the rest of us plausible deniability. Seems keeping peaceful coexistence and overlooking a few things was on everybody’s mind these days.
Floyd wandered his big ol friendly self back carrying a big Brita pitcher and from the look of his and Charlene’s Cheshire cat grins the “polishing” of the white lightening which was now gleaming silver in the pitcher and their glasses was a rousing success.
“Here taste this!” Floyd insisted in Charles direction who carefully studied the happy but reddened face of Charlene for approval that the stuff was now at least considered passable drinkable.
“Tastes like top shelf vodka now! Which according to Dennis is what it actually is, however if Dennis wants to do the honors I brought his “special seasonings” I have been waiting to try out. One is that LowBuck Lemonade mix that tastes like peach and I also brought whatever it is Dennis calls “RED EYE” whiskey that’s supposed to taste like sour mash.” Charlene was saying before Dennis chimed in and set the record straight.
“ Hey now, I got plenty of them single serving peach tea packets LowBuck uses, but my whiskey converters were bought by me top dollar from the best home distilling connoisseur sites on the internet. That shit in that magical pixie dust envelope can turn panther piss into a top notch Jack Daniels clone and is worth its weight in gold right now. Which reminds me, if you all got any unopened cans or bottles of Coca Cola I am paying top dollar for them and bidding commences right now. And listen up you all! No sharing my coke cola with yall, no sir, not even when you’re looking all wistful or wanting some for you or the kids because of the miseries. I am certifiably offering here and now hard money in exchange for my bourbon pleaser and glass partner or we can trade if you like. I don’t want anyone here to have any regrets if you barter with me. If it ain`t your birthday, your booze or my good nature, well then you ain`t getting none of my soft drink stash for a mixer I am trying to build up. I am hereby laying claim, expressing eminent domain or a miserly old cuss’s selfishness to not satisfying my singed taste buds with an occasional whiskey and coke if I am the saloon owner or it’s my private stash we talking about.” “Dennis babbled away without hesitation but not really considering the ramifications of his statements.
“Well I ain`t trading any mix, I am going to enjoy mine as long as it lasts!” Monica said in apparent discord with Dennis’s statement, but still giving a nervous chuckle as Dennis gave her a disapproving look.
“Me neither, that is, unless the price was very much alright. We can make booze in the future but not soft drinks to mix it with.” Floyd snidely offered trying to instigate some closed fisted Yankee negotiations with a southerner while grinning.
“Now just wait a damn minute!” Dennis began before Suzy saddled up to him.
“I will trade with you.” Suzy said with an exaggerated batting of the eyes and a distinctly flirtatious move in his direction.
“Now you just hang on there baby! That’s not fair negotiating!” Dennis said faking a sheepish but suddenly sexy acting arched eyebrow all knowing reply for the humorous benefit of all.
“I think she got you there!” Charles laughed
“He is finally speechless!” Floyd guffaws while pointing at him that set everyone tittering.
“Could be we negotiate with her!” Monica said playfully.
“Ok! OK! You got me! I give up, I am out numbered!” Dennis said pretending to give up for the moment and giving his honey a “mush..: “You all got me now under undue influence I might add, but, hey now butts are illegal in negotiations.” Dennis said as Suzy slid his hand noticeably? Or unnoticeably, down to hers and playfully growled at him.
“Damn Darlin! You are disarming this here captain and creating a mutiny with the crew over there….” Dennis began before a shotgun blast rang out not far from his place.
“What the HELL?” Floyd declared loudly before he was hushed with finger and word from Charles and Dennis who were intently listening and fingering firearms while looking in the direction where they thought the sound had came from.
“What was that?” Who was that?”!! Charlene began jabbering before being surprised with a grip on the bicep from Suzy that both hushed her for the moment and directed her to get down behind some solid cover so Dennis could take action and concentrate on analyzing the situation.
Suzy could shoot and she could shoot well. But she had not done so in many years, she was sort of the new age prepper that believed in including more spiritual things in her everyday life to protect her and avoid chaos and disorder. Things change though, she had come to visit and possibly stay with her beloved because practicality seemed the most opportune way at the moment to face starvation and violence at the point of a gun and it just made sense to do it with someone that carried one everyday and had been trained in combat hand to hand.
Charles and Dennis stood at a half crouch while waving everyone to get their heads lower as they warily eyed the edge of the woods across the street. It was not unusual at all to hear a firearm going off in this neck of the woods at various times be hunting season or target practice. Country folks consider gunfire just someone backyard practicing and their personal right as sovereign citizens and land holders most times, Today was different. That shot sounded like it had come from Charles’s 95 year old uncle’s place.
That ain`t right! As far as Charles and Dennis knew that old man had been disarmed by family after a bad encounter with a stray dog who had come on his property and that matter had been resolved many years ago.
“BOOOM!” 12 gauges sounded like, Dennis and Charles mused as the second shot rang out, but where exactly was the shooting going on at in the echoes of the hill base and the top of the road to Charles place they couldn’t tell.
“Ah hell! Take this and guard the home front.” Dennis sad reaching in his waistband for an Astra A-100 17 shot 9mm pistol and handing it to Suzy who was totally unfamiliar with the weapon.
The mate or backup sister to the same pistol was now a hard run to the house for Charlene to dig out of her luggage. She silently cursed herself for not being” at the ready” as Dennis had said they should be and began to head out.
Her race to get armed was slowed by Suzy grabbing her and asking her once again where the F word was the safety on this damn pistol as Dennis and Charles started heading out in the direction of the uncle’s house with their own buckshot filled shotguns poised for action.
A eerie drawn out silence occurred while everyone watched Charles and Dennis separate to go to see what was happening across the road in a confused but much relied on a old soldiers basis. They had both been in the Army although it was long ago when they had served. Now they depended on their personal old memories and military training as Dennis let the old vet Charles go first up the trail to take care of his kinfolk.
“My 9mm pistol is in my bug out bag on top of my clothes in the living room. I got this little Keltec.380 for now. Look Suzy There is no safety on this pistol just like that SIG. Point and pull the trigger as is, it will go bang if need be,” Charlene said for once in her life not giving over detailed directions and turning them into stories as she mentally decided to not follow Dennis and stay and guard the house as he had requested.
Charlene and Suzi moved around the back of the house as fast as they could and Charlene retrieved her battle pistol from her luggage. Suzy made it clear to Dennis’s mom and Monica’s daughter that now was not the time for conversation and hurried back outside to take up position. The newly armed albeit inexperienced shooter nervously pointed her pistol safely to the side.
“Rack the slide and be sure you got a bullet in the chamber Suzy, I really don’t know the condition of Dennis’s armaments at this time but it most likely already and has a round at the ready in the chamber” Charlene said while trying to see what Charles and Dennis were doing as they crept across the road.
“Pull the slide back, wow that’s hard! Hit this button
or that lever? Oh my lords do what?” Suzy wailed nervously and was obviously freaked out about operating an allegedly functional but still non operating weapon.
“Shit give it to me” Charlene demanded and reached for the pistol.
“It shoots, just pull the trigger if you see something to fire at., can you aim?” Charlene asked regretting ejecting out the already loaded round in the chamber to check the firing status of the pistol. “
“I can aim” Suzy said taking cover next to Charlene who was stooped over picking up the ejected pistol round.
“We need to just get you functioning now, pull the trigger in that direction.” Charlene advised.
5
Range War
“Wait! What the hell? Them girls being squirrelly or did that gun shot in back of him need checking out? What the hell were they shooting at? Dennis wondered anxiously as he tried to look forward and back behind him at the same time.
