by Ron Foster
“Were they being attacked on two fronts or was it just jittery nerves by one of the girls getting trigger happy that caused that gun shot report? Holy hell! I got to now investigate to my front and back. Me and Charles ain`t been yelling cover me “I am moving out” like a trainee soldier at a live fire army basic training course just for the fun of it or to scare who ever it was out there. No, we were doing it to keep from shooting each other while moving forward and falling back on our old military live fire training of what to do when you were unsure of your partners. Now I am “damned if I do and damned if I DON’T’ at the moment. “ Dennis said to himself as he became further unnerved by the thought of friendly fire from the girls going down range in his direction or the possibility they had spotted some lurker in the back of the property.
Charlie’s had heard the crack of a pistol behind him and knew it came from Dennis’s home front towards the backyard... He couldn’t see Dennis but soon he saw his friends arm waving him forward towards his uncle’s house and signaling he himself was going back to his house from his position of a storm fallen log he taken cover in back of.
There it was again, the report of a shotgun and a fast-forward slow return arm signal from Dennis that they should hurry to the back and front respectively and slowly meet back in this same position when they felt it safe. .
“Who the hell is shooting over there?” Uncle Arnie yelled towards the woods not taking any great pains to stay behind at least the biggest tree in the wood line and reduce the chance of a stray shotgun pellet or slug perforating him.
“I said WHO IS THERE? SPEAK UP AND MAKE YOURSELF KNOWN!” Uncle Arnie said as he beat an old steel garden shovel he was holding against a fallen hickory log to draw attention and telegraph his location by sound to the shooters...
“Damn “Unc”! Get your sorry self behind that big oak “Charles said jumping up from his position and rushing over to escort the spry old man protesting behind the large ageless tree.
“You don’t know who they are and what they want yet you old fool!” Charles declared scanning the woods and listening intently to try to locate what might be aggressors bent on murder.
“ Hell boy get your panties out of a wad, they are at least 4 acres over by the sound of it, might be old Jeb shooting coyotes bothering his calves” “ the feisty old man said removing Charles hand from his shoulder and looking at him a bit riled.
“Hells bells I didn’t know, Dennis and me heard shots and come a running. I didn’t think about Jeb hunting back there though, and by the way what the hell do you think you were going to do with a shovel at a gunfight?” Charles said returning his uncles angry stare.
“I didn’t think there was no gunfight, but I wasn’t going to check it out totally unarmed!” Arnie said still sore that his nephew had taken away his single shot 20 gauge shotgun about 5 years ago for doing the unthinkable by shooting what he had declared a threatening stray dog.
“ITS ME, JEBIDIAH! Got my daughter Margo with me too.” A loud caterwauling like man’s voice yelled back from the depth of the pine woods.
“We are coming up, hold your fire, and hold it tight, Jeb!” Charles called out and started forward in worn jungle boots into the woods with his uncle still toting a rusty shovel in his gnarled old arthritic hands.
“Come on up then boys, had me some trespassers on the place but they cleared out” Jebidiah hollered back and then went silent as the grave.
“Trespassers? What freaking kind of trespassers? Damn southerners around here got there own kind of way of speaking and relating things and that statement meant anything from a fox in the hen house to any other four legged or two legged critter invading their ‘space’. Charles grumbled to himself as he went down a thorny trail in the general direction he had heard Jeb hollering from.
Jeb owned 450 acres of prime cattle pasture bordering Charles wooded and sloped 15 acres. It sounded like they were on the wooded fence line between the properties next to Jeb`s stock holding pens where he separated calves and cows every few years. Most likely it was a coyote or feral dog problem or he wouldn’t have been shooting. Didn’t hear no yips or barks though.” Charles thought as he made his way down the trail.
“Could be he had himself some two legged critters trying to do a bit of rustling or maybe a desperate parent trying to take a gamble on cow for a meal for his family without asking.” Uncle Arnie said noticing that there were no animal sounds or human hollering to give him an indication of what the actual threat was.
An armed confrontation on posted private land like Jebediah had sometimes occurred in normal times. A cattleman might be out hunting doves in his field and spy a couple miscreants hunting psychedelic mushrooms in the cow patties after a rain and fire his gun in the air to scare them off. The shroom gathers generally were just old hippies and unarmed but it was not unheard of to hear a pistol shot in the air as a response as a younger generation moved out. Whether or not any shots were fired in the general direction of poachers or as a further warning of seriousness was entirely based on the backgrounds and experience of the confrontation between trespasser and landowner. If not handled correctly it could be bad for all parties and in these days and times Charles thought the rules and reservations might change a might in regards to popping a cap.
“Hey Charlie! Hi ya Arnie!” Margo said startling them both considerably as she stepped out of the woods in full real tree camo with some camouflage war paint on her face that made her look like a character off of the NatGeo show “ Duck Dynasty” loosely toting a automatic 12 gauge across her arm.
“Holy shit woman! I liked to thrown this here shovel at you that you would probably have ended up needing to bury me with! Announce yourself loudly before you jump out from behind a tree like some danged haint or hobgoblin.” Arnie said cold sweating and looking like he had just ate something sour.
“Arnie I could I could hear you crashing around as you were coming through the woods from a mile off, sorry to have startled you. Everything is ok, no worries, and no threats. I was out hunting deer to supplement and apparently my shot at one doe spooked somebody in the woods and they must have fired a shot to tell me where they were in the woods, least ways that’s what me and dad hopes.” Marge said as everyone noticeably relaxed and waited for her dad Jeb to join them.
“I will be back in a minute let me go holler at Dennis that it’s all clear before he acts like he is going to take Iwo Jima by his lonesome” Charles said as hurried back to the road and hollered over to Dennis there was nothing to worry about.
“Ok buddy! Just a misfire over here, I will be along shortly.” Dennis called back and went to rejoin the ladies back at his house.
Charles rejoined his uncle and began talking to his neighbors.
“You get a look at who it was Jeb?” Charles asked
“No, not really. I saw them but couldn’t make out who it was. After they lit out I did see the “walking man” traveling down the road however. I doubt he had anything to do with them but that guy gives me the creeps.” Jeb said referring to one of the odder characters we occasionally saw wandering these back roads.
“The “Walking Man” was an older man of no specific age that was built like superman and was usually shoeless and looked like he had just crawled out of the woods. He always had a crazy mean look in his eyes as you drove by him and folks avoided the old hermit like he had leprosy.
“That old fool been known to do some crazy things, I will keep an eye out for him. What do you think about the others? Just hunters straying onto your property or were they after one of your cows’ maybe?” Arnie asked.
“Probably just hunters, but between me and you I am moving my cows back to the holding pens for awhile until I can figure out a way to better protect them. I don’t have too many left at the moment. You realize we just got done going to the cattle auction not long before the Koreans turned the damn lights off. I hear on the radio those crazy ass Iranians pr the Koreans released some small pox virus. Can cows get small pox?�
�� Jeb asked.
“I am not sure if they can get it or not. That is a good question. Dennis might know the answer. I know he was telling me one time something about people who had gotten cow pox from milking those critters but people somehow built up some kind of immunity to it but I don’t remember what point he was trying to make. He knows a lot about small pox though, claims he might have a cure for it made out of “Pitcher Plant” roots if he can find something in his books on a dosage to give someone.” Charles responded
“What is a Pitcher Plant? Never heard of such,” Margo asked.
“It’s a carnivorous plant like a Venus flytrap. Bugs fly into a flower that is sort of hinged and filled with water and they drown and the plants get nutrients off them some kind of way. Dennis planted some in a wet area awhile back because he thought they were a cool addition to his medicinal gardens but he has not talked about it since.” Charles said wrinkling his eyebrow and trying to remember just what all the hell Dennis had planted or which roots herbs Dennis said still survived after last years drought devastated a lot of his gorilla gardening efforts.
“I would’ve liked to ask him a few questions about the Small Pox virus, not much info is being said about it except report any suspected cases to your local health department. Fat lot of good it is telling folks that, most folk’s phones don’t even work no more and if they drove into town to report it they most likely would end up spreading it.” Jeb said spitting out some tobacco juice from his “chaw” that he was noted to usually be seen carrying around as a lump in his mouth next to his cheek.
Arnie hated the filthy habit of chewing tobacco but today was not a day to berate old Jeb about it or talk about his usually off aim with spitting the foul juice.
“Jebidiah, me and you need to have us a little private parlay amongst ourselves about butchering one of those steers and having us to help you guard the rest of them. There isn’t much cash on this dead end road to pay you for the beef but we should be able to come to some neighborly agreement.” Arnie ventured as Charles perked up to watch Jeb`s and Marge’s reactions.
“Well… I suppose we might come to some sort of terms but that few head of cows aren’t going to last long under present conditions. You know the folks who live on my side of the road sort of have the same notion and have approached me also. Wouldn’t have been much of a problem if I had my full breeding herd, but I don’t and that’s all there is to it. I am not saying I won’t share a mite with you but it’s going to be awful slim pickens unless we can find us some stock and try to build the herd backup.’” Jeb said very slowly and carefully letting his point sinks in.
“Who has any viable livestock for sale? I noticed awhile back most everyone is raising calves this time a year and have already thinned out most of the rest of their older cows. ‘Charles asked somewhat puzzled over animal husbandry.
“I have been pondering on that question; I know where to get a few cows here and there but the problem comes down to cash. All the money I got from the sale of my herd is in some kind of electronic limbo in a closed down bank. I didn’t have but forty dollars in my pocket when the poo hit the fan.”” Jeb said dejectedly wondering how he had arrived in such a position.
“I got us two hundred bucks in my emergency fund I could throw in. How much does a cow cost anyway? “Arnie offered glad he had had something put back.
“That’s another thing, prices are plum crazy. I spent all the money me and Margo had on gas, a little cornmeal and some flour. Maybe, just may maybe I am thinking that if the neighborhood all chipped in we could form a collective or co-op and we could work on shares to buy a few head to raise on my land.” Jeb suggested looking hopeful.
“Hey here comes Dennis, he might have something in mind to barter with for cows we haven’t thought of.” Charles said pointing as Dennis made his way through the woods towards them.
Introductions and ‘how do you do`s” were made all around before they got back down to business.
“You know of anybody raising feedlot calves that are dependent on hay and grain around here? Seems to me if you can’t feed them and don’t have access to any refrigeration if you had to slaughter they ought to be willing to listen to some cheap pricing or barter.” Dennis offered after listening to the dilemma.
“Could be Andy McFarlane might be willing to sell off some his heifers, I know he over bought this year thinking he was going to make some extra money this season but he is kind of tight fisted with his pricing when it comes to selling under normal times.” Jeb said rubbing the side of his head thinking about how to approach him and his miserly ways.
“How far off the road is his pasture? Could be he is having as many worries as you about protecting his stock and might want to reduce his liabilities.” Arnie asked.
“What do you mean Liabilities”? Do you mean a small herd draws less attention? He has a feed lot operation, just a bunch of big corrals and a barn with very little pasture with about 150 head on site. He can be seen from the highway quite clearly, though.” Margo questioned.
“Well, I meant that, but Dennis here told me that the government will be using some of those danged emergency powers acts to commandeer crops and livestock for the “so-called common good”. We might remind him that he might end up being a “Government Farmer” if his spread looks big enough to bother.” Arnie said and looked to Dennis for confirmation.
“What Arnie here is saying is true, the Emergency Powers acts and various Executive orders empower the government to pretty much regulate and control any damn thing they want including forming Civilian Labor gangs if deemed necessary.” Dennis replied.
“Well doesn’t that get your ox stuck in the ditch; if you look prosperous you don’t only have to worry about the common thieves but the government rustlers as well.” Jeb fumed.
“Still and all that skinflint Andy probably has the first nickel he ever made and he and them boys of his would rally their clan and put some buckshot in any government revenuers britches that tried to take their cattle without full payment I am thinking. He doesn’t know you all, you had better let me try to go talk to him and negotiate first before one of them carpetbaggers talk to him. You all got any sipping whiskey to loosen his pocketbook any? Andy likes a snort here and there and is a lot easier to talk to if you do a bit of socializing first?’ Jeb said as Margo nodded knowingly about Andy liking to tipple a bit at any chance he could.
“Just so happens we do have a little private stock to lend to the effort. I don’t have any store bought liquor but me and Charles here got some shine we just cooked up that will curl Andy’s toes and loosen his tongue to be a might more agreeable guaraaaaaaaaanteed!” Dennis said wearing a world record shit eating grin that Charles also shared and beamed in Jebidiahs direction.
“Well I tell ya, normally Andy likes to be bribed with top shelf scotch but beggars can’t be choosers these days so I suppose that would work. I shared some white lightening with him before but he cut it with some cola. You got any of that to go with it as chaser?” Jeb said to Dennis’s horror.
“We might, just might. What do you say Dennis?” Charles said smirking at an obviously unhappy Dennis.
“Give me a minute now; just hold up a minute or two now. We haven’t quite explored all the angles yet.” Dennis began objecting.
“That’s Dennis’s booze drink mix of choice and he is not real happy about trading any off.” Charles said in a loud stage whisper to a grinning Jeb.
“I can hear you, you know that don’t you, you old heathen.” Dennis said making a face at Charles that made Margo start to crack up with laughter.
“Come on now boy it’s for a good cause. DONATE!” Jeb said with a small smile and hands on his hips.
“I will do it, but I was just saying there are other options. I can make some of that infamous apple pie moonshine or a couple other flavored hooch combinations. Let’s not start trading anything we’re going to be out of soon enough. I got a whole container of Country Time lemonade you can use for
mixer and it would last a whole lot longer than the 1 liter of coke I had in mind for the cause.” Dennis said, hopeful that his suggestion looked like it was being well received.
“That actually sounds like a pretty good beverage to share around.” Margo said encouraging Jeb and Charles to consider Dennis’s proposal with a small smile.
“Yea, there you go! And if you give me a few minutes I will be back here in a flash with a sample for you to taste test. Matter of fact after that little scare we had with the unexpected gunfire I bet everyone back at the house would like one also. Hey, come on back with me and you can have yours with some ICE!” Dennis said rubbing his hands together that his plan to keep his sodas was working out so well.
“You got ICE? How did you manage that?” Margo asked incredulously.
“That boy is a ‘prepper” he runs a portable icemaker off his solar power battery units. There ain`t no telling what he might have stored or come up with. But I draw the line at operating that “Crank-A-Watt” of his to create some kind of Frankenstein in the “skunk works” mad scientist laboratory of his.” Charles said throwing a sweaty muscular arm around Dennis’s neck in comradely fun as he pretended to choke.
