by Tanya Holmes
It was as if a weight had lifted from his soul. A breath shuddered out of him as he bowed his head and grinned at the realization.
“You care about me.” It was a statement, not a question.
I nodded.
“A lot?”
I nodded again. Truth was, I “cared” much, much more than I initially thought. Coming here and facing the possibility of losing him forever made it impossible to delude myself anymore.
His chest swelled, collapsed, and expanded once more. I’d pleased him. I could see the spark in his eyes. But the silence that followed was disturbing. I didn’t need my gift to figure out that he was weighing the lie I knew he was about to tell me.
“D, listen…” He squeezed my hand. “Nothing’s going to happen to either of—”
“Stop it.” I shook my head hard. “You’ve been a straight shooter with me. Don’t start lying now.” I looked at him intently. “That’s one of the things I adore about you, Xavier. Your candor.”
He smiled, but the mirth skipped his eyes, eyes that had been watching the clock since we’d arrived. “So this is what was going on in the Jacuzzi?”
“Part of it, yes. The hidden part.” I sniffed, annoyed by my inability to control my emotions. “Damn baby hormones.”
Xavier’s smile brightened. “You didn’t want to care about me.” He sat back and lifted his arms from his sides. “That’s pretty fucking stupid, D. I mean, look at this? What’s not to like?”
I laughed-cried. “Stop changing the subject!” I scrubbed my fists over my eyes. “Are they taking you away soon?”
“Yeah.” That just brought on more waterworks. Seeing it, he moved closer and framed my tear-stained face in his hands. “I think you’re beautiful. Did I ever tell you that?”
I fought the tears and won, but my voice still trembled. “No.”
“Well, I do. And—”
“How do you feel about me, Xavier?”
He blinked and eased back. Clearly surprised. The question leapt out before I could catch it. Knowing his limitations, I didn’t expect to ask him this, but our time was short, and I was aching for something to hold onto, if God forbid…
He stared at his hands, frowning in serious thought. “Well. Um. I like fucking you. A lot.”
His response didn’t shock me. This was Xavier after all. “And?”
He shrugged. “I don’t want anybody else fucking you either.”
“Why?”
He looked at me as if I should know better. “Because you’re ours. And you’re also the mother of my—of our child.” He cocked his head in thought, his gaze falling again. “That’s why I wouldn't mind if you were like…you know, the only woman I fucked for now on.”
Hope stirred. “How long is ‘for now on’?”
Confusion blazed in his eyes. “I don’t know.”
“A week? A month? A year?”
He shrugged again. “Centuries?”
“That’s a long time.”
“Yeah.”
The man who’d been a fount of information last night seemed to be at a loss for words today. “Are you asking me to marry you, Xavier?”
His gaze leapt to mine. “Is that a trick question?”
“Actually it’s a yes or no, question.”
He picked at his fingers and thought aloud. “Well, I like that you can cook. No, I really like that. Because you don’t burn shit. The last woman I was with burned every damn thing. And yeah, you’ve got terrible taste in poetry for the most part…” He shrugged once more. “But I can overlook that because you like Yeats.”
I smiled. “Thank you.”
“Yeah, well, it’s true,” he said. “You’re smart too, and I like how you don't take any shit from me…and like I said, I don't want anybody else fucking you.” His expression turned serious as he looked at me again. “‘Cause then I’d have to kill them.” He glanced off as if trying to form a conclusion in his mind. Several moments later, his brilliant gray eyes landed on me again. They were soft and warm, and conveying more than he was capable of expressing. “So yeah, I guess I could marry you.”
He could marry me. Not will you marry me. It was typical Xavier. The laughter bubbling inside me was hard to contain. “Well, Mr. Frost, I think I can accept your—” Two beefy looking men wearing lab coats came in to stand over us. “What’s going on?”
Xavier slowly stood; grim resolve painted his face.
I wagged my head in denial. “Now? They’re taking you now?”
The dark, faraway look in his eyes answered me.
CHAPTER 26
TORRANCE HOSPITAL
ASPEN, COLORADO
Denieve
____________________________
I thought I was prepared, that I could be strong for Xavier, but I wasn’t ready to let him go. To let them go.
No question I wanted Braeden to be free, and the possibility of the twins going mad and dying because of their separation scared me to no end, but that didn’t stop the deep-seated fear of losing them both. Damn it, I needed more—
“Time,” I blurted, turning to an attendant. “Can I please have more time with him? Just ten minutes?”
The man stared back at me with dark disdain. He had no use for me or my requests.
Xavier, seeing my distress, drew me up and held my face. “This isn’t goodbye. Let’s just call it, ‘see you later.’ Because I will. I promise you.”
Cow manure.
It was a lie. The man didn’t know if he’d see the next day, much less me. The warmth from his hands on my face and the peace that melted into my body proved it. Xavier Frost, the guy who prided himself on candor, had tried to pull a fast one. Damn it! He was using his touch on me because he knew we might never see each other again.
Well, I wasn’t having it. I wanted to feel the pain, to remember every minute of it. So I ripped his hands from my face and threw my arms around him again, squeezed with all my might, wishing I could climb inside of him. That way he and Braeden would be with me always.
Tears streamed down my cheeks, so many I couldn’t see an inch in front of me. I’d finally come to terms with what was in my heart. I loved Xavier Frost. No, not like Braeden, but the love was of equal measure—just different. It was much like loving the cause and the effect. Loving the flame that tames the sword.
The people we care about are far from perfect. They have bad habits, say terrible things, have horrible opinions, treat us unkindly, disregard our feelings, are rude and insensitive, and any number of unpleasantries. Yet and still we love them despite their imperfections. We can’t help it.
It didn’t matter how many times my dad disappointed me, or my mom lied or Luke belittled my gift or Caryn rejected my apologies and deceived me, no matter how awful they were, I couldn’t stop loving them.
In Xavier, I saw Braeden. Not full-on, just bits and pieces. His intelligence. His stubbornness. His sensitivity. His drive. But I also saw a slew of things that made Xavier unique. His humor, his candor, his passion for the arts—it all won me over. Even his cockiness. But his most endearing quality, what truly sealed the deal for me, was his love for Braeden. It flew beneath the radar, but it was there the whole time, even if he couldn’t admit it.
Those were the things I fell in love with. Everything else? Well, the bad stuff came with the package. Who ever said love was simple?
My men brought out different sides of me too. The thought of curling up in Braeden’s arms and the two of us taking care of each other was a dream come true. Still, the thought of healing Xavier, this man-boy, and debating poetry or laughing my ass off while arguing nonsense with him was equally appealing.
I needed them both.
“You matter to me, Xavier,” I told him. “A great deal.”
He brushed my tears away. “I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing that.” One of the guides tagged his elbow. “Back off!” he yelled, yanking his arm from the man’s grasp. “Listen to me.” His gaze locked on mine. “I’m not going anyw
here, do you understand?”
He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled me to him again, resting his chin atop my head. His heart thundered beneath my ear as I gripped the scarf hanging around his neck.
“My feelings for you are…well, maybe they’re not like, you know, normal people’s feelings, but they’re there. And they’re real.” He shook his head. “I’ll be damned if I ever lose that.”
It was the truth—his truth. Xavier’s version of affection was purely Xavier’s. But it was enough. In fact, it made me love him even more. But what would he think if I admitted this love? Would he believe me? Would it make him feel awkward because he couldn’t return the sentiment?
“Time to go,” an attendant said.
They pulled Xavier from my arms so fast, his neck scarf fluttered in the struggle. These bastards! I clutched it to my breast as if it were my only lifeline.
“Why are you doing that?” I demanded. “He’s here voluntarily!”
“Standard procedure,” an attendant sneered, glaring at me as if I were a piece of dog shit on his shoe.
“I’m not resisting!” Xavier yelled.
To which the other replied, “Not yet, you aren’t, but many of our patients do at the last minute. So we’re just taking necessary precautions.”
And with that, they marched him down the hallway, both guides flanking him on either side as if he were a death row inmate, each with a firm grip on his arms. But he didn’t go quietly. He struggled the whole way, using language that would’ve made the devil blush, all the while trying to turn his head just to snatch another look at me.
He’d held it together so well up to now, been almost stoic, but the pretense was gone. It was all too real.
“I love you!” he yelled as he disappeared around the corner. “You hear me, D? I fucking love you!”
The words stole my breath as a rose, my psychic symbol for love, lingered after him. It was much fainter than others I’d seen, almost transparent, but it was still there, floating in the air as if he’d left it behind as a promise.
I stared at it stunned.
Xavier Frost loved me.
Before I realized it, I was running after him. “Wait!”
I rounded the corner, but he’d already broken free and we met midway. He swept me into his arms and kissed me like I was water and he hadn’t had a drink in days, kissed me hard and thorough. Kissed me like he never had. It was frantic, packed with words he couldn’t say and feelings he couldn’t begin to express.
But I felt everything—his truth, his love, his all.
“I love you too,” I said in between desperate kisses.
He looked astonished. “Really?”
“Yes!” I nodded frantically. “When did you know?”
“In the tub. When you were sick.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
His brows furrowed. “Why didn’t you?”
“I was scared,” I said. “I-I couldn’t admit it.”
“Me neither.” He took my face in his hands. “When did you know?”
“After I shot you.”
Both attendants traded puzzled looks.
“Better late than never.” He kissed my forehead, then stared into my eyes. “Remember when I said Braeden has something I need? Well, I can’t…I can’t love you the way you should be loved without him.”
“But, Xavier, you just did.”
The smile he flashed was big and bright. He took my mouth again, packing more into this kiss than ever before. Inching back, he said, breathlessly, “I never thought I’d be asking this, but will you go in the viewing room?”
I blinked. “What?”
“I want your face to be the last I see.”
Fear clawed my chest. Bad enough I’d had to watch him die once before when I blew a hole into his head. The horror would never leave, but this…this was much worse. At least the last time, I knew he’d be back, but now…
Dathan Teale’s poem whispered to me.
What was this? Death? Rebirth?
Or, was it exactly what the title said it was? An awakening.
Behind him, both attendants approached us. A third followed, coming through a side door. Apparently they’d called for backup.
Xavier didn’t turn around. “Touch me and I’ll fucking cut you,” he warned them; then in the same breath he said, “Tell me you’ll be there. Promise me.”
Well, that settled it. He needed me. They needed me. “All right,” I said with trepidation. “It’s a date.”
His eyes brightened as he pulled me to him, kissing me one last time, hard. He released a tortured groan before setting me away from him so fast I nearly lost my footing. Flashing his palms in surrender, he backed away. They were on him in an instant, grabbing and marching him off.
An attendant yelled, “We’ll come get you once he’s prepped.”
Blinded by tears, I watched until their blurry images slipped into an elevator.
I was seconds from losing it when someone came up behind me. “Ms. Knight?”
I whirled around, ready to pounce. “What?”
He was a little man, at least three inches shy of me. His name tag said Yancy. He slowly held out a cell phone, his eyes wary. “Your scheduled call.”
God, how could I have forgotten? I snatched the thing in desperation. “Braeden?”
“How are you holding up, sweetheart?”
“I’m not.” My heart was beating so hard it almost hurt. “It’s so good to hear your voice.”
“You’re crying. What happened?”
I sniffed, wiped my eyes with a fist. The last thing he needed was to be worrying about me. “It’s jet lag. I’m just tired. Are you okay?”
“Denieve?” he said. “Tell me what happened.”
I should’ve known I couldn’t keep the truth from him. I sniffed again, swiped another tear. “It’s Xavier. They just took him.”
“So it’s happening now?”
I stepped away from Yancy and huddled into a corner for privacy. “Yes. Braeden, he wants me to watch.”
“Good. I’d like yours to be the first face I see when I wake.”
I wasn’t sure I could handle it, but that too I would keep to myself. “You didn’t answer me. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, sweetheart, but our time is short. One of the prison nurses snuck me this phone. The doctor just stepped out for a moment.” He paused. “The Seal. Is it done?”
I knew that tone. It was resolve. Stoic acceptance. How could the truth not cause him pain? But we’d had enough lies between us. “Yes,” I said with hesitance. “It’s done.”
The silence on his end wasn’t unexpected, but he broke it after a few beats. “Well, that’s…that’s wonderful. You’re safe. The child is—”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Stop that. This isn’t your fault. It’s my doing. Honestly, I wish I was enough for you. I wish you didn’t need anyone else, but most of all—”
“Is that what you’re thinking? That I believe there’s something missing in—”
“You didn’t let me finish,” he said softly. “It’s what I believe. I was about to say, and I wish I didn’t need anyone else, but such is not the case. We both need Xavier, Denieve—me more than you. That’s what I’ve had to come to terms with.” He sighed. “Did he tell you about Hannah?”
“Why didn’t you?”
Another stretch of phone static echoed between us. “This is a chicken and egg question. What should have come first? That I’m Yoreck? That I’m half a man? That I’ve infected you with a fatal illness? That I’ve killed twenty-one people—including Lionel Gubczyk? That I’ve given you a child and put you on the path to immortality? Or that I was a heartless bastard a lifetime ago?”
He had a point. “I still would’ve loved you.”
“You don’t know that,” he said. “It was a different time, a different place. I’m not the same person anymore. But you still love me now, yes?”
“More than any
thing.”
“And you love Xavier?” His question scattered my thoughts. “Sweetheart, tell me you love him.”
“Why?”
“I need to hear it.”
He’d said “need” instead of want, so I gave him the truth. “Yes, I love him. I couldn’t admit it till now. Till today. But I do love him, in spite of…heck, maybe even because of his imperfections. That’s the thing. He knows he’s screwed up. He knows he’s broken.”
“Yes.” Static took over again, until he said, “As you can plainly see, we both are.”
“I never saw you like that. I still don’t.”
“You should. That’s the only way this will work. You need the full package. Not half.” He paused on a sigh. “I’ve been so unfair to you, Denieve. When I said I’d forgiven you for kissing him, I really hadn’t. I realize that now. But it had nothing to do with you. It was all about me not accepting who I was—who Xavier was.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, it stemmed back to the situation with Hannah. I didn’t want to believe you could love me—love him—because he was who I used to be before I had a heart. So my mixed signals confused you. That’s why you had such a hard time dealing with your feelings about him. All because of my subliminal sabotage. I swear I didn’t do it intentionally. I just had great difficulty coming to terms with everything.”
This was why I loved Braeden Frost. If a heart could squeeze through a phone, I imagined his could. I felt it flowing into my ear to warm my soul. “Thank you,” I said, my throat tight with emotion. “I desperately needed to hear that, but are you still confident in this process?”
“Yes. Yes of course.”
“Why? Remind me again what’s so different now.”
“My love, trust me. It’ll be fine,” he said. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I don’t know if you read this, but there’s a paragraph in The Scribe’s Oath that says love is the only power great enough to subdue Halved Yorecks. Well, I always thought the passage dealt with romantic love. That the two Halves would need to love one woman at the same time—and love for her would bind them. But I was wrong. That passage was referring to the love between the two Halves. They have to love each other. Otherwise the Join won’t work. That’s why I’m confident ours will be a success. Xavier and I have that love and acceptance. No, it’s not perfect, but it’s there, and it couldn’t have happened without you.”
