Christian Mitchell

by Jennifer Foor

  “I don’t know what you lied about, Ethan. Right now I don’t even care. All that matters is that you’re here, which means you forgive me for what I did on that video, at least enough to be here with me. I was so afraid that I lost you. I swore our friendship was over.”

  He smiled, leaned forward and kissed me softly on the forehead. Then as he was pulling away, he found my lips. He didn’t push it and try to make it more. Only his lips pressed over mine; no tongue involved or groping hands. I wasn’t ready for that, not even with Ethan. His gentle embrace was short-lived, but enough to tell me that he wasn’t going anywhere. It was enough reassurance for one night.

  The next morning the same officer stopped by the hospital to see me. Since my parents hadn’t yet arrived, I urged Ethan to stay with me. He held my hand as the officer explained to me what was going on with my case. “The truth is that the prosecution doesn’t have enough evidence to take this case. Without DNA or a witness, or someone else that can attest to being a victim of this guy, it’s your word against his.”

  “So what does this mean?”

  The man looked down as he spoke. “It means that he’ll be released sometime today.”

  I sat up, immediately gasping for air. Ethan had gone after him, thinking he’d be locked up where he couldn’t get to me. Now the officer was telling me that he’d be released. “What if he comes after me?” My question was more for Ethan, but the officer answered for him.

  “We don’t think he will. He’s going to lay low, in fear of us digging up new information. In the meantime I’m going to take a trip out to that house. We’ll take the mattress back to the lab and run it for DNA. I’ve got a feeling we’re going to have a lot of strains to go through, so be patient. It can take weeks, sometimes even months for that kind of extensive research.”

  Everything out of his mouth was making me lose hope. “I understand.”

  Ethan didn’t though. “What if you match their DNA. Can you arrest him then?”

  “Again it’s a he said she said. With the video of their consensual encounter it will be difficult to prove she was assaulted only a little while later. I’m sorry I don’t have better news.”

  I shook my head and wiped away residual tears. “I get it. In order to take him down I either have to be brutally left for dead, or have recorded the whole attack.”

  “The key is collecting evidence. Had you come into the hospital on the night of the attack, we could have done the rape kit. It would have helped, but again, this case relies on hard evidence. There are a lot of fraudulent cases out there with women who only want to cause men problems. We have to consider each one to be real until we can prove otherwise. I believe that you were attacked that night, but unfortunately we have nothing solid to use.”

  When the officer started to leave my parents were just walking in. He talked to them out in the hallway. Ethan and I watched through the glass as they were given the bad news. I knew they were pissed at me for not going straight to the authorities. They didn’t need to remind me of my mistakes. I had to live with them just as much as they did.

  Ethan squeezed my hand. “We need to talk about somethin’, babe.”

  “I can’t right now. They’re goin’ to come in and tell me they’ll be able to help me, but the truth is that we both know I won’t be goin’ back to school, not that one at least. I can’t face those people, and know what they’re sayin’ behind my back. I know the campus is huge, but I’m liable to run into one of them. I can’t handle it.

  I think it’s best if I transfer to another school. Maybe I can take the semester off, get into counseling, and then start somewhere fresh. The only way I’m goin’ to get through this is if I start gettin’ help. I can’t live like this. It hasn’t even been a week and I’ve been through every emotion possible. I’m so tired.”

  “I know. I get it.” He looked away, and I could tell he was upset. We’d made plans to go to school together, and now I had to break another one of our pacts. I couldn’t hate myself more.

  “I’m sorry, Ethan.”

  “It’s not your fault. I’m not mad, not at you at least. I get why you can’t go back, and as hard as it is to hear, I know it’s for the best.”

  I tried to make him lighten up with a joke. “At least now you won’t have to hide me from your late night visitors.”

  He peered at me, his brows furrowed and eyes were frustrated. “I don’t give a shit about them.”

  “Ethan, it’s time that we stopped pretendin’. The promises we made, the pact, we were children when we did that. We’ve grown together, and experienced so many things, but let’s be realistic. I only agreed to all of that stuff because I thought you’d one day change your mind and want to be with me. I thought that if I went along with that plan it would make you love me the way I loved you. I didn’t just want you to be my first. Back then I wanted you to be my forever.”

  Ethan was a tough guy. Since he didn’t get emotional very often, I could tell that what I’d said had hurt him. It was extremely confusing, especially after he’d told me he’d gone out to get ass the night before. I couldn’t begin to fathom how breaking our pact could hurt him. He was mature enough to understand that what I was saying was true.

  My parents walked in, making our current conversation too inappropriate to talk about. I think what really shocked me was right after that he’d got up and left. I figured he walked outside to give me time with my parents, but he never returned.

  A few hours later I was discharged. My parents had changed their minds and decided to take me home where I could rest comfortably.

  I slept a little on the ride home, and was welcomed by my family when we reached the ranch. After everyone made sure I was in one piece, they went off to go about their day. Even though she checked on me a little too often, my mom was the only person to check on me.

  Throughout the day I checked my cell phone, hoping for a call or message from Ethan. I tried to reach him several times with no response. It hurt my feelings, but I knew I couldn’t focus on him being immature about our little teenage pact.

  Every minute of every hour I’d been thinking about my attack. I’d thought about other women and what they’d gone through, and even considered going back to meetings until I felt comfortable enough to share my own story. I knew mine didn’t compare to some, but I’d been told that it didn’t matter. When a women says no it should be final. There is no maybe, or probably if you push me to it.

  No is no!

  Twenty-four hours went by and I still hadn’t heard anything from Ethan. My mom had made an appointment for me to meet with a new psychiatrist. Even as nervous as I was to talk about it all again, I somehow knew that each time was helping me cope. I wasn’t as shaken up as I was those first couple nights. I still didn’t like the idea of being touched, but being able to comfortably be in the room with a stranger was a step in the right direction.

  The doctor looked to her paperwork before asking me the daunting questions that she was required to ask every new patient.

  “Tell me how you’re feeling today, Christian. What was it like for you when you woke up this morning?”

  This was an easy question, and I immediately felt less uncomfortable since she wasn’t jumping right into my attack. “Well for starters I woke up on the ranch. I could hear the sounds of the birds and nature. The smell of bacon and coffee filled the room. I felt at home. I felt safe,” I explained.

  “Good.” She wrote down something. “How did you feel about coming to see me?”

  “Reluctant. Worried. Afraid.”

  “Can you tell me what you’re afraid of specifically?”

  “I’m not sure if I’m ready to go over the details again. I had to tell my best friend, my family, and everyone at the hospital. I know it’s helpin’, but it makes me uneasy. I want to forget that it happened, not keep it fresh in my mind.”

  “What if I told you that you’ll never be able to forget? How would that make you feel?”

  “An
gry.”

  She seemed intrigued by my answer as she made another notation. “Angry with me or -?”

  I cut her off. “Not you. Angry with life. Maybe with God. Just angry in general. It’s not fair. Why do I have to live that moment forever? What did I ever do to deserve that to happen to me?”

  “That’s a good question. The answer is nothing. You’re a victim.”

  “If I’m never goin’ to forget, how do you expect me to heal? I don’t see it bein’ feasible.”

  “It takes time, acceptance, and even forgiveness in some cases.”

  “I’ll never forgive the person that did this to me.”

  “You have to forgive yourself, Christian.” It was easy for her say. I didn’t exactly understand what she meant, to be honest. I hadn’t done anything wrong, except for sleeping with Seth. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t know if I’d ever forgive myself for that.

  When I didn’t respond she took it upon herself to ask another question. “How do you feel about yourself?”

  “Today, or in general?”

  “Both. How would you describe yourself before all of this happened, and then now.”

  After she explained I took a deep breath and thought for a second on how I’d answer. All of my life I had to overcome obstacles just to fit in. I’d never felt like I did, which made me even more awkward. If it wasn’t for Ethan, I don’t know how I would have survived high school. In fact, I didn’t know how I would have gotten through anything.

  “Weak. I’ve always been weak.”

  She jotted something down. “How so?”

  “Well, for as long as I can remember I’ve been an outcast. No matter what was happenin’ I never seemed to fit in. I was never cool enough. My clothes were never the right style. I didn’t like the same things as the other kids. I wasn’t as pretty as the other girls.”

  “You’re basing your answer on how you assume people think about you. Styles change, children grow up to be adults. What’s cool one day isn’t the next.”

  “I’m weak because I can’t seem to find my in. It’s that exact reason that landed me here today.”

  “I see.” The doctor tapped her pen on her cheek as she thought. “So today you feel weak as well?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “Has anyone ever told you that life was what you make of it?”

  “Sure. People say a lot of things to make me feel better.”

  “It’s the truth. In order to get past your demons, and what happened to you, it’s important that you learn to love yourself. You have to love that you’re different, eccentric is a better word. I don’t know much about you, which will change in time, but from what I can tell you’re beautiful, intelligent, and looking for something you already have.”

  “Which is what?”

  “That’s for you to figure out. Until we meet again next week I’d like you to start a journal. Each night I’d like for you to write ten things you did that made you happy. It doesn’t matter if it was in the past or something you’ve just experienced. Underneath the ten items I’d like you to write about two things that make you sad. We’ll go over everything at our next appointment.”

  I don’t know what I expected out of my doctor’s visit. I certainly didn’t think I’d walk out of there feeling confused. Despite feeling overwhelmed, I picked up a journal and promised myself that I’d write in it.

  That night before bed, after another full day and no word from Ethan, I sat down on my bed and wrote down the ten things that I was happy about.

  Things that make me happy:

  1. My mom and dad. I’d been blessed with two parents that would do anything for me.

  2. My siblings. Like my parents I knew I could count on them always being around.

  3. My huge extended family. My cousins were annoying at times, but I was lucky enough to have a bunch of them. Some people didn’t get to have the kind of holidays that the Mitchell-Healy clan did.

  4. My first horse. There were many times that I spent my day out in the woods with him. Up until the day he died he’d only brought me joy.

  5. Getting good grades. Of course that made me and my parents happy.

  6. My ability to care for others. Each year I volunteered at local soup kitchens and homeless facilities. Helping people made me happy.

  7. My eyes. Even though I always felt awkward, people loved my eyes. It never got old hearing how beautiful they were.

  8. The ranch. It represented home. Nothing could make a girl happier than the safest place on earth.

  9. My gram’s smile. No matter how sad I felt, she’d always cheer me up with only a smile, and maybe an occasional cookie.

  When I got to ten it felt like my whole world was crashing down on me.

  10. My best friend Ethan.

  Things that make me sad.

  1. My attack

  2. Losing my best friend Ethan.

  I stared at the piece of paper, realizing that my two sad things didn’t involve me fitting in with my peers. I read over the list, thinking of a bunch of other happy moments I’d missed. I began to smile, thinking about all of my firsts with Ethan, and even though I couldn’t change the past, there were still a lot of firsts that hadn’t been done yet.

  I had hope.

  It wasn’t pertaining to the attack, but more about having a new future. It was going to be a long road, I wasn’t an idiot. I’d probably never forget that night in the abandoned house with Seth, but I’d survived, and that was also something I should be happy about.

  Chapter 28

  Ethan

  As impossible as I thought it would be, staying away from Christian wasn’t just painful. Every moment of every day I regretted walking away from her.

  Despite the fact that I knew she was just a phone call away it hurt too much to imagine hearing her voice, and being drawn to someone that had pushed me away.

  It was my fault. I’d been an asshole and let one mistake dictate my own selfish actions. Chris needed positivity in her life, and it was clear that I was only bringing her down. I didn’t blame her, but I certainly couldn’t agree with it, not when I knew that my love had always existed.

  Two days turned into two weeks. I spent my time focusing on finals, and tutoring other’s so they could pass their courses. When I went home alone at night I was reminded of all of the times she’d sat on my couch, or laid in my bed. I pictured the way her hair felt between my fingers, and how her eyes captivated me, even after all these years.

  I’d started running in the middle of the night to make myself tired enough to rest. If it hadn’t been for that then I probably never would have come face to face with the angel who would change everything for us.

  It was after midnight, and I’d been lying down for nearly two hours, staring at the ceiling, counting sheep, and doing everything the internet said to help me sleep. Nothing worked.

  I hated doing it, because it was pretty cold out, but I put on a jacket and a pair of shoes and headed out. Usually I ran this one course, but since they were decorating the campus for the homecoming I took another route around the older side of the property.

  The brisk air hit my face, making me regret the decision to come outside in the first place. It almost hurt as the wind ripped through the air and slapped against my face. I kept my eyes squinted to prevent them from burning.

  As I made it past another row of houses I came to the corner of where the abandoned one sat. An instant reminder of Chris was standing right in front of me. The last time I’d been there was with Seth, and thankfully I hadn’t seen him since the incident. Even if we passed by each other I wouldn’t have noticed. My mind was fixed on staying focused when I was out and about. I hardly ever made eye contact with people when I walked around in fear of what they might be thinking.

  Since it was late, and I was alone, I felt like it would be okay if I stopped for a moment and ventured inside. I don’t know why I wanted to drudge up the past. I suppose a part of m
e wanted to feel some kind of connection to Chris, as messed up as that seemed.

  Once inside I noticed the mattress was gone. The police had taken it a long time ago. Though still drafty, I felt warmer once I’d made it into the large living room.

  “I don’t know what I was thinkin’,” I said to myself.

  Right before I could turn around to head back out I heard someone sniffling. The room was dark, but I knew I wasn’t imagining it. “Hello? Is someone in here?”

  I heard something clank, and then it repeated again and again. Finally my vision adjusted and I saw someone slowly coming down the stairs. I could tell it was a female, but that’s about it.

  “Please don’t go.” I could hear that she’d been crying.

  “Are you okay?” I went to walk toward her, but she froze in place. I halted and put my hands up in the air. “Whoa! I won’t hurt ya. I was takin’ a run and stopped for a minute. Somethin’ bad happened to a friend of mine here. I don’t know why I came inside. I guess I was curious.”

  “She’s not the only one he brought here. I guess what I heard was true. How could I have been so stupid?”

  She started to collapse so I ran to catch her before she fell down the last two steps. Once I had her in my arms I carried her outside, looking up and down the road for a car. She was in high heels, and there wasn’t a house or a vehicle in sight. She had to have been left there by someone. Since it was the middle of the night, and I couldn’t carry her all the way back to my apartment, I pulled out my phone and dialed for an ambulance.

  While sitting there on the curb waiting for them to show up I felt something wet going through my clothes. That’s when I saw where the liquid was coming from. This female had slit her wrists, and she was bleeding out.

  As my heart rate thumped like it was shooting out of my chest I looked down the road hoping to see the emergency vehicle headed in our direction. Finally, in what seemed like forever, I saw the lights and stood up to wave them in. They jumped out, immediately asking questions I had no answers to. An officer showed up as she was being lifted onto the stretcher. I greeted him and explained that I’d been out running and found her. I didn’t mention that I’d gone in the abandoned house.