Chasing Hope

by Nancy Stopper

  “Oh, Maddie.” He scooped her up and sat on her chair with her slung over his lap.

  She used to love when he’d do that, like he couldn’t wait another minute to be closer to her. To touch her. But it didn’t have the same feeling now as she laid her head on his chest. His heart beat a rapid pace beneath her cheek. She rested her hand over his heart. He was as anxious and upset about this as she was. Why, then, did he want to separate in the first place?

  “Of course. That’s why I think this break is so important. For both of us. I don’t want, no, I refuse, to spend the rest of my life resenting my family. You’re my safe harbor, my soft place to fall.”

  “And you’re mine…”

  His arms tightened around her. “And I want that back. I hate fighting with you.”

  She sniffled and snuggled down into his chest. She hated that he was going to leave, but he was right. They fought more than anything else recently. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d said he loved her. “I love you, Justin.”

  “I love you, too.”

  They sat like that for a long time, her body enveloped her in the warmth of his arms, until her tears dried up.

  He must have sensed her shift, because he relaxed his hold and she slid off his lap. After swiping under her eyes, she dared to face him again. His eyes were ringed with red. It could be from lack of sleep, but she preferred to believe—she had to believe—that this upset him as much as it did her.

  “So what’s next?”

  He stood and paced across the kitchen. “I’ll pack a bag. Just clothes for a few days.”

  “What do we tell Aiden?”

  “We should be honest with him but keep it to what’s appropriate for a five-year-old.”

  “I agree. I don’t want him to think you abandoned him.” She knew that feeling, after growing up without a father and a mother who worked two jobs just to keep a roof over their heads. Maddie had blamed herself for her father not wanting to be part of her life, and therefore for her mother having to work so many hours. She refused to let Aiden put this on himself. “We should tell him together.”

  He nodded. “I can come by after dinner, if that works for you.”

  “It does.” This entire conversation was so civil. She wanted to scream and yell, to fight for her marriage. But Justin wouldn’t engage her. He knew her too well.

  “Okay, then.” Justin squeezed her hand for a minute, then held her gaze as he headed to the door. After a moment, he rounded the corner and headed down the hall. To their bedroom.

  Maddie straightened her shoulders and drew in a deep breath. Justin might want a break but this wasn’t over. Not by a longshot. All she needed to do was come up with a plan.

  Chapter Six

  Knock. Knock. Knock.

  Justin raised his head. He didn’t have to look through the peephole to know who was at the door. There was only one member of his family who knocked before they came bursting in.

  Mom. Just what he needed right now.

  His car parked beside the cottage wouldn’t have escaped her notice for long. The fact that she’d given him three days before she came over was surprising. But she wasn’t oblivious. Everyone in the family knew that things were rocky between him and Maddie. He’d never expected it to come to this, but he refused to become his father, and he didn’t want to see Maddie become his mother, huddling in the corner, plastering a smile on her face to keep from inciting another argument. Hell, Mom was probably the only one who would understand exactly where he was coming from.

  Well, he had to face the music sooner or later. He strode to the door and pulled it open. “Hey Mom.”

  She tilted her head. “You look terrible.”

  “Nice to see you, too. Wanna come in?” He stepped back as she strode past him and planted herself on the couch. So that was how it was going to be.

  He sighed and sank into the chair beside the fireplace. She stared at him, her hands in her lap. Did she have something to say? She was the one who’d come over here. He had been fine alone.

  No, that wasn’t right. He didn’t want to be alone. He wanted to be with Maddie and Aiden. Explaining their separation in terms a five-year-old would understand had wrenched a knot in his heart when he’d gone back over there the other night. Maddie had barely held it together while she explained that this was nothing Aiden had done. Justin just wasn’t sure his son fully believed that.

  “Do you have something you want to tell me?” Mom quirked a single eyebrow, looking at him as if she could read every one of his thoughts. She probably could. As a child, he could never get away with anything. She was always one step ahead of him. Not that he’d tried to get away with much. He hadn’t had the chance. Since he was young, it had been apparent that his role in the family was to protect the women.

  From Dad.

  When Justin was little, there had been mostly good days, but by the time Izzy and the twins came along, Dad had become a drunk. Alcoholic was too nice of a word for their father. Sure, he’d left for work and returned every day, but it took constant sips on the flask he tucked behind the register to keep him going. And that was nothing compared to once his work day was done. Two bottles on the side table and Justin had hope for a quiet evening, Dad just stewing in his chair. Five bottles and Justin hauled off to his room before Dad could confront him about whatever was stuck in his craw today. More than five and Justin was better off heading out the door.

  But he never did. Because then the yelling and screaming came and Justin placed himself between Dad and the girls, saying or doing something to piss Dad off so he would focus on him instead of the girls whenever he could. None of them had done anything wrong. Not really. They were just the easiest targets for Dad’s anger and frustration worsened by the alcohol.

  And that was what it had been. Justin saw it in his father—the wandering eye, the nights he didn’t come home. Dad’s solution to his frustrations with married life was to step out on Mom. On them. It had been the worst kept secret in Cedar Hill for most of Justin’s life.

  But nothing could have prepared him for what they’d all found out from Dad’s lawyer last summer. Dad had a daughter. A grown woman who had been the result of one of his affairs. She had reached out and asked for information about her father’s family. Justin’s family. If he’d had his way, he wouldn’t have answered. He’d wanted to stick his head in the sand and forget everything about Benjamin Harper.

  But Izzy and the girls had decided that they wanted to meet their sister. Half-sister. They’d told the lawyer that they’d welcome her whenever she was ready.

  Then nothing.

  Until last week. Piled on with everything else Justin was dealing with, Mr. Flemming had called and said that Rachel was ready to meet. What had taken her so long? She had picked the worst possible time to make this decision. Justin told the lawyer he’d get back to him. But he hadn’t had a chance to discuss it with Izzy and the twins—he’d been so wrapped up in his own marriage.

  Justin had resolved that when he married, he wouldn’t be like his father. He would not run his household with the iron fist of fear. Until recently, that had been easy. But the stress of his job, his half-sister, and Maddie’s infertility had been one crisis too many. That was why he’d had to leave. If he didn’t, would he resort to what had made him hate Dad?

  And Justin refused to be that man. He refused to give in to the anger he was afraid lived deep inside him.

  His mom raised her eyebrows, her gaze penetrating. Oh, right, she’d asked him a question before he digressed into lamenting about the lot life had handed him. “I’m staying here for a few days.”

  “Oh, Justin. Was there really no other solution?”

  Not that he could see. “I don’t know, Mom. I just…” What was the best way to say this to spare Mom’s feelings? “Maddie and I were yelling at each other. I don’t want that for Aiden, and I don’t want that for me.”

  Shame filled her eyes and she dropped her chin to her chest. Dammit, this
was exactly what he’d hoped to avoid. He crossed the room and slid onto the couch beside Mom, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

  She leaned into him, her breath hitching. “I’m so sorry for everything.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  “For your childhood. What you had to put up with from your dad.”

  He nudged Mom away from him and twisted so he was looking her in the eye. “That was not your fault. That was his.”

  “But you took too much on yourself. I should have protected you better than I did. If only I had left when you kids were little, maybe none of this would be happening.”

  “Why didn’t you?” He’d always wondered why Mom put up with the drinking, and the other women, for so long. Many nights, Justin had lain awake on his bed, his hands under his head, listening to his parents fight. Never going to sleep until the alcohol finally took hold and Dad would pass out. Only then was it safe for Justin to close his eyes.

  “It was easier to stay than it was to go. I hadn’t worked since before you were born. How would I support you and the girls if I bundled you up one night and left? I was too scared. Too weak.”

  “You weren’t scared or weak. You were doing what you thought was best for your kids. We turned out okay, despite him, don’t you think?”

  “Of course, honey. You’re a great husband and father.”

  “That’s because of you.” Tears pooled in her eyes and he wrapped his arms around her. “I love you, Mom.”

  She sat up and squared her shoulders, swiping under her eyes. “I love you, too, honey. That’s why I’m so upset about what’s going on with you and Maddie. I didn’t think things would come to this.”

  “We’re not separated, exactly. I told her that we need a break. I refuse to be like Dad, yelling at my wife and kids because I’m unhappy with my life. I always told myself I’d never let that happen. I’m hoping with a little time away from each other, that we can gain some perspective.” If not, he wasn’t sure they had a chance. He’d never wanted to get a divorce, but he’d rather Aiden be from a broken home than live in one. And their marriage was broken. “I still love Maddie, but it was too stressful for everyone for me to stay.”

  “So there’s still hope for you two?”

  He raked his fingers through his hair. If he had his way, then yes. Being away from her for the past few days had been torture, just across town but not able to go home. “I want there to be.”

  “I thought you were trying for another baby.”

  Justin had kept the ugly details of their infertility away from Mom. She didn’t need to know about their struggles, the fertility drugs, the months of disappointment. “That was part of the problem. It’s become so stressful for both of us. I figure if we take a break from talking about it, from focusing so much on having a baby, we can get back to the way we were.”

  Mom covered his hand with hers. Growing up, her touch had always comforted him. He’d never doubted for one moment that Mom loved him, even the nights when he cried himself to sleep. Mom would sneak into his room after Dad had an especially bad night and curl up with him on the bed. She’d let him cry until he was all done and lay with him until he’d fall asleep. Mom may not have left, but she’d done what she could to care for all of them. “Did you ever wonder why you’re so much older than Izzy and the girls?”

  “Five years isn’t all that much older.”

  “Back then it was. After you were born, I struggled. Not to get pregnant again, but to carry the baby. I had two miscarriages before I carried Izzy to term. And you can’t imagine how surprised we were to find out about the twins, especially right after Izzy.”

  Damn, his Mom had suffered so much. No wonder she was strong. She’d had to be. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. It had to be so hard for you.”

  “Your Dad was there for me. This was before things got bad. When he was sober, in those early years, we had a good marriage. I always wondered if everything we went through to have our family led to his drinking.”

  “Don’t say that. Nothing makes a drunk take a drink but themselves. He was an alcoholic. That wasn’t your fault.”

  “I know it wasn’t my fault, but maybe if things hadn’t been so stressful…”

  Justin could understand where Mom was coming from. On many days, the yelling and frustration reached the point where all he wanted to do was find a way to block it all out. And while he drank a beer from time to time, he refused to drink himself into oblivion. No matter how tempting it was.

  “So, what happens next?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know. Leaving was kind of impulsive. We had a big fight and I walked out. Found myself here the day Izzy was moving. The thought of having some peace and quiet gave me the idea that we needed a break. Maddie, she, uh, she’s become obsessed with getting pregnant. Everything she does, every conversation we had, was about having a baby. She barely leaves the house anymore. She cries all the time. I just couldn’t take it anymore, Mom. Maddie’s not the woman I married.”

  “And you’re the same man? I highly doubt that. You guys have survived days and weeks on the road, low paying jobs, and scraping to get by. You’ll survive this too. Maybe you need to allow her to see what you love in her… through your eyes.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “You need to court her. Remind her why she fell in love with you, why you fell in love with her. Remember why you can’t bear to be apart.”

  “You think I should date my wife? You get married so you don’t have to date anymore.”

  Mom patted his cheek. “Oh, honey. You get married because you can’t bear to spend another minute apart. You get married because she’s the one you want to lean on when life gets hard, and you want to be the one she leans on. But you never stop dating. So many people think that getting married is the end… but it’s just the beginning. You have to nurture your marriage. Take time for each other.”

  They certainly hadn’t done much of that recently. He was working more hours than ever, and she had become so focused on getting pregnant that they’d lost sight of the fact that their marriage was teetering on the edge.

  “Do you want to be married to Maddie?”

  “Of course. I love her.”

  “Well, then, what are you going to do about it?”

  Mom had a point. His wife didn’t deserve the tired, overworked man he had become. What could he do? He was staying here and she was at home with Aiden. She was still obsessed with getting pregnant. But what if he put that aside, all the frustration and the anger, and remembered how their relationship was before? Before they got married. Before Aiden. Before his career ended and they moved home to Cedar Hill. The image of her young face, the smiling girl with the ponytail that swung when she laughed, filled his mind. “I’m going to ask my wife out on a date.”

  Mom stood. “Good for you.”

  She left him sitting on the couch, his mind racing with ideas of how he could get his wife to fall in love with him all over again.

  Chapter Seven

  Maddie picked at the corner of the paper gown barely covering her thighs on the narrow examination table. When she’d looked at her calendar this morning and saw the appointment, she’d almost canceled. This check-up didn’t matter if she and Justin weren’t trying to get pregnant any more, did it?

  Who was she kidding? The appointments hadn’t made a difference in quite a while. If they had, she would be pregnant right now.

  She’d thought not getting pregnant was the worst thing that could ever happen to her. Boy, was she wrong. Justin walking out of their house was the worst day of her life.

  Then Justin had come over after dinner, like he’d promised, and they’d broken her little boy’s heart. Aiden had listened intently as they explained to him that Daddy would be staying somewhere else for a while. He’d nodded when Justin emphasized that it was nothing Aiden had done, but Maddie knew her son. He was so much like his father. Their matching jaws, muscles tense, betra
yed the fact he was barely holding it together. He was a boy of five going on forty.

  Aiden’s expression stayed stoic, not betraying a single emotion, during the dreaded conversation and then he hugged Justin goodbye and ran to this room.

  Long after she’d tucked him into bed, she heard the sound of his sobs through his door. Each mournful cry widened the crack in Maddie’s heart until it finally broke. She’d spent the next two hours cuddled with him, her arms wrapped around him and his trembling body curled into hers. They’d cried together until he drifted, exhausted, off to sleep.

  They had done that to her son. She had done that, with her obsession.

  Justin said he didn’t recognize her anymore. He was right. She’d lost herself. She may not be able to fix her failing body, the one that couldn’t give Justin a baby, but she could take care of the rest of her.

  Two soft knocks sounded at the door and then Dr. Anderson entered the exam room, a chart in her hand. Not much older than Maddie, Dr. Anderson had become her specialist last year when she and Justin first concluded they were having trouble getting pregnant. But a battery of tests later, some pretty humiliating for both her and Justin, yielded nothing.

  Keep trying. That was what the doctor had said. But Maddie hadn’t stopped searching for a reason. Something she could fix. Because she refused to believe that having another child just wasn’t meant to be.

  Tears built behind her eyes. Dammit, she’d promised herself she wasn’t going to cry.

  Dr. Anderson extended her hand. “Good to see you, Maddie. Are we waiting for Justin before we get started?”

  That was all it took. She shook her head, sniffled, and tried her best, but a stream of tears ran down her cheeks. Dr. Anderson set the chart on the counter and wrapped her arms around Maddie. This wasn’t the first time she had broken down in front of her doctor. She figured it was pretty common for Dr. Anderson to deal with teary clients in the field she was in. It took a strong person to specialize in fertility issues.

  Maddie sniffled again and then sat back up. Dr. Anderson’s eyes glistened and she smiled at Maddie in a way that soothed her aching heart. It was not the look of pity she got from friends and other mothers who didn’t really understand the struggles she faced every day. “What brought that on?”