Chasing Hope

by Nancy Stopper

  Maddie couldn’t agree more. She had felt so alone during those months when she had been pushing Justin away. She only hoped that her enthusiasm to move forward with Sofia didn’t set them back on their road to recovery.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Justin stared at the papers on his desk. Maddie had asked him to start the process to become foster parents. Hell, that’s been about the only thing on his mind since he’d walked out of her house the other night. His house. Their house. Why then had he felt like an outsider during most of dinner?

  She was on her way over here to discuss the final plans for Sports Day this weekend. If he had his wish, he would have picked a later date to hold this event. Sure, the timing was perfect for the beginning of the spring sports season, but considering the state of their marriage, it was about the worst.

  One week ago, they’d been headed to the Crabapple Festival. As a family. And he couldn’t have been happier. He and Maddie had made so much progress on their relationship. They had been talking more and had opened up about most of the issues that had affected their marriage. Maddie hadn’t mentioned getting pregnant and they had turned a corner. He had even considered it was time to move back home.

  Instead, she had just turned her obsession in another direction.

  He liked Sofia. A lot. And more than that, he liked how Sofia had brought joy to Maddie that he hadn’t seen in a long time. But what if she was tying her happiness to something else that was out of her control?

  His heart ached at the thought of Maddie being hurt again. He’d tried and failed to love her through month after month of disappointment at not getting pregnant. And that was a child they hadn’t yet met. Sofia was a real, living, breathing little girl who had already captured his wife’s heart. What if things didn’t work out? Even if Justin threw himself full force into being a foster parent, the system might fail them. Or come up with a better solution. Sofia could end up placed in another home or adopted by another family. If that happened, how would Maddie survive? If he thought her depression over their inability to get pregnant was bad, he couldn’t imagine how losing Sofia would affect her.

  A quiet knock sounded at the door.

  His head snapped up to see the woman he loved standing in the doorway. His heart had never stopped kicking up a beat when he laid eyes on her, and today was no exception. With her hair pulled back in a ponytail, she looked much like the girl he had fallen in love with. But the smile on her face didn’t reach her eyes, and the lines on her brow were more pronounced.

  He forced a smile to his face and rounded the desk. “Come on in.”

  When she finally stepped into his office, he pulled her into his arms. She fit against him perfectly. Like she always had. He rested his head on hers as she relaxed into him. At least he could still comfort her even if he couldn’t give her everything she wanted.

  She sighed. “Thanks. I needed that.”

  And her stress was because of him. Because he couldn’t just sign the papers to give her the chance at a life with Sofia.

  “Thanks for coming here for this meeting. I couldn’t get away from the store.” And he had wanted the more formal setting rather than the temptation of meeting at the house.

  He gestured to the guest chair and then rounded his desk. He swept the papers off to the side, clearing a space for her to spread out the plans he spotted in her purse. The air in the office grew uncomfortable. So much of the progress they had made as a couple felt lost. And he didn’t know how to fix it.

  He struggled for words while Maddie pulled out her notebook. “How’s Aiden?”

  “He’s good. Really excited about Sports Day. But I think what he’s most excited about is more time with Daddy.”

  Damn, he really was a jerk. “I know I haven’t seen him as much as I would like, or as much as I should, recently. That’s the one thing I didn’t want to happen, yet here I am.”

  She reached across the desk and rested her hand on his. “He loves you and loves spending time with you, whenever and however he can.”

  That didn’t make Justin feel much better. He needed to find a way to overcome his concerns and move forward with Maddie. “Thanks for saying that, but that’s not good enough for me.”

  “It’ll all work out. You’ll see.” She flipped open her notebook. “But right now, how about we go over the final list of vendors and the layout at the park?”

  For the next few minutes, Maddie briefed him on the detailed logistics she had organized for Sports Day while he sat back and listened. This was her event. He had been happy to give Maddie the lead and orchestrate what was looking to be a fantastic day.

  She had gotten the entire town involved. This was why he loved living in Cedar Hill. His friends, neighbors, and fellow business-owners never hesitated to jump in and lend a hand when someone was in need. But he would have never come up with some of the ideas Maddie had.

  She was in her element, her creativity shining through in every idea, every sketch, every plan she developed. Sports Day had initially been an idea to reinvigorate the store and get Maddie involved with something she loved, but it had become so much more. She practically glowed with the sense of accomplishment, with the excitement of seeing her ideas coming to fruition. Planning this event had been good for her in more ways than one.

  But he had to admit that Sofia coming into her life likely had something to do with her good mood as well. She’d really embraced the little girl and opened her heart up to someone who needed love as much as she did. Maddie’s tender heart was one of the reasons Justin had fallen in love with her, and here he was, hesitant about supporting something that she felt so strongly about.

  Maybe he should just sign the papers.

  “Justin?” Maddie’s voice interrupted his musings.

  “What? Sorry. I was distracted.”

  Maddie flipped her notebook closed and her gaze locked on his. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “About what?”

  “Whatever’s bothering you. I know that I haven’t been a good listener recently, and if I had taken time to pay attention to what was going on with you, maybe we wouldn’t have separated in the first place. I told myself that I need to be more supportive, to not be so self-absorbed that I completely miss when my husband is unhappy.”

  “I’m not unhappy. I’m just thinking.”

  “You always needed to ponder decisions a lot longer than I did. I had forgotten that, and I’m sorry that I sprang my idea about becoming foster parents on you like I did. I was so excited about the possibilities that it made me inconsiderate of your feelings.”

  He shook his head. He wasn’t about to throw water on something that she cared about so much. “You have nothing to apologize for. I was surprised, yes, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t thinking about my feelings. This is something that makes you happy which means it’s something I want for you. I just need to consider all the implications. I don’t want to see you hurt again or for you to spiral back into the depression you’ve dug yourself out of because something doesn’t work.”

  “I know the risks and I’m being careful. But there’s more going on here, isn’t there? I mean, I thought we were making progress on our marriage, and now it feels like we’re more distant than we were.”

  He hated to admit that she was right. He didn’t want them to be drifting apart again.

  “I know I drove you away in the first place, so focused on getting pregnant that I lost sight of everything else. I understand now that my issues weren’t really about getting pregnant, but about feeling alone. Of Aiden growing up an only child. It didn’t take much before I was that little girl again, huddled under her covers because Mom had to go to work and leave me at home.”

  “I know it’s been tough for you, wanting something so badly and not getting it. I’d love to have more kids, yes, but more than that, I wanted them because you did. Because when you want something, I feel like it’s my job to give it to you. And I couldn’t.” He extended his hand, b
ut it wasn’t enough. He hopped up and skirted the edge of the desk and then pulled Maddie to her feet. His arms slid around her waist and he stared down at her. “You’ve been so happy recently, like the Maddie I fell in love with. I know that we’ve both changed since we got married. We’ve had to. But that Maddie didn’t let anything stand in her way. She had this huge smile that I couldn’t help but return. I’ve seen that Maddie more recently than I have in a long time. And I missed her.”

  Maddie rested her head on his chest. “I know. I don’t ever want to lose her again. And if you see me getting that way, you need to tell me. I don’t want to experience again what I’ve gone through these past weeks.” Her voice was muffled as she buried her mouth in his chest. “I want you to move back home.”

  Justin’s heart stopped. He was wondering who would make the first move in that direction. Now he had his answer. This was the decision that had been looming over everything they did since the day he left. He always intended his moving out to be temporary, but he hadn’t decided when the time would be right to return. Was that now? With the situation regarding Sofia so uncertain? Everything else about their marriage seemed great, but this one issue could really affect things if he didn’t tread carefully. “How about we get through the event and then we’ll sit down and talk about everything. Deal?”

  Her body stiffened in his embrace, but then she looked up at him, the hint of a tear in the corner of her eye. “I’ll hold you to that. I love you, Justin.”

  He threaded his fingers through her hair. “I love you, too.” But that didn’t stop the questions from racing through his mind.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Maddie sighed as she took a short break once Sports Day was in full swing. The last remnants of the morning fog were burning off in the spring sun. The festival was running smoothly, but that didn’t calm her nerves. Everything needed to go perfectly today. Justin’s store depended on it. But more than that, she felt like the fate of her entire life was tied to this event.

  She hadn’t intended to bring up anything about their marriage or family or Sofia when they met the other day. She’d wanted to respect Justin’s need to think about her proposition to become foster parents and simply discuss the final plans for Sports Day.

  But she couldn’t ignore how distracted he had been. That was her fault. She’d sprung Sofia on him when they should have been focusing on other things. Add the stress over meeting his sister for the first time and it could easily become too much for Justin. One of these days, she would learn to think through all the implications of her decisions before she jumped in with both feet.

  But Justin had said that was one of the things he loved about her.

  She hadn’t planned on asking him to move home, either. He needed to come to this decision on his own, just like becoming foster parents had to be something he decided because it was what he himself wanted. But she had to at least let him know that she expected him to move home soon.

  Justin was right to push that conversation until after today. That didn’t mean Maddie hadn’t thought of exactly what she wanted to say to him. She’d tell him that her bed was as empty as her heart when he wasn’t beside her. That he made her a better version of herself and that she and Aiden weren’t complete without him. That he was part of their family, and while she may have lost sight of that for a while, she would never again.

  Maddie stepped onto the grass and studied the scene in front of her. Kids were running around, giggling and talking, while their parents watched, many with their hands wrapped around travel mugs of steaming hot coffee from the Java tent. The three cups Maddie had downed early this morning when she couldn’t sleep sat like a lead weight in her stomach. She was too nervous to drink any now. Nervous for the event. And anxious about talking to Justin later.

  She was assigning a lot of significance to a single conversation, but after these weeks apart, they had turned a corner. If she had her way, tonight would end with the rest of Justin’s clothes back in the closet and him asleep beside her in their bed.

  Up on the fields, high school teams were playing exhibition matches. They looked like they were having more fun than the kids who were watching, joking with each other and acting completely like, well, teenagers. Maddie couldn’t wait until Aiden was that age, to see the person he would become, but at the same time, she wanted to slow down time and cherish every moment she had with him. Especially if he ended up being their only child.

  Her mind drifted to Sofia. The little girl could be the answer to Maddie’s prayers. She’d never imagined adding to her family outside of having babies, but the prospect of offering Sofia a home and the love that she was so desperate for stirred an ache in Maddie’s gut much like her desire to get pregnant. Maddie realized now that her longing for another baby wasn’t really the issue but merely the symptom of something bigger—Maddie had more love to give, and any way she could fill her home with that love was good with her.

  Her attention turned to the moon bounces and other inflatables set up on the grass near the trees. Aiden had rushed over there as soon as Maddie let him out of the car, and his giggles carried through the air as he bounced in a castle-shaped float. She smiled at her son, knowing he was perfectly safe while she saw to last-minute details.

  Growing up in the city, she’d never had the comfort of a small town like Cedar Hill. Friends and neighbors looked out for each other in a way she’d never experienced as a child… when she felt so alone every night. Aiden was lucky to be growing up in such a community.

  At the tents arranged in a semi-circle around the park, volunteers from the various sports leagues were registering kids for their spring seasons and handing out coupons for Justin’s store. Maddie had ensured that each league had plenty on hand. This day was a boon for the leagues as well—bringing town families together in one place. If Sports Day was successful, it could set the stage for future events like this. There was nothing a small town did better than put on an event.

  Right in the middle of the layout she had carefully designed was the Harper Sporting Goods tent. It was more than a tent, really. Justin had set up a satellite store right here in the park, complete with inventory and tablets to take orders and process purchases. Nets were positioned around three sides and equipment was on hand for the kids to try throwing, hitting and kicking balls of all sorts into the targets. Teenagers were working with some of the younger kids, showing them how to stand or how to wrap their hands around a baseball bat in just the right way.

  Justin’s family had come today to help him. His mom was stationed behind a table, a huge smile on her face as she rung up customers. Until Maddie had approached Barbara earlier this week, she had forgotten that Justin’s mom had helped out at the store when his dad ran it, much like Maddie was doing for Justin now. Barbara was comfortable behind the register, and today was probably as good for her as it was for Justin. Izzy and Tanner were strategically stationed throughout the tent, grabbing products and answering questions like they’d worked at the store for years. Just behind the tent, Serena and Alexis were pulling inventory from the store’s trailer, restocking the displays as quickly as they were depleted. Even Hayley was pitching in, running items back and forth, although Maddie imagined she spent more time turning cartwheels with her friends in the open field rather than helping at the tent. The family worked like a well-oiled machine, everyone helping, a concept foreign to Maddie but one that she had embraced wholeheartedly from the day they moved to Cedar Hill. This was what family was about and what she wanted for her son.

  Maddie scanned the crowd until her eyes landed on Justin, three adults surrounding him, all asking questions at once. Others might not notice, but Maddie could see the shadows under his eyes, a sure sign of fatigue. Justin had busted his ass to make this event a success, but she imagined the stress of their marriage… and Sofia… had exhausted him as much as the late hours had. But the huge smile on his face was genuine. Today was a massive success for him and the store.

  Wo
rking together with Justin had helped Maddie see what she had been missing out on when she had focused solely on getting pregnant instead of enjoying the family she had.

  Confident that everything was running smoothly, she stepped up to Justin’s tent, hanging back while he wrapped up with a customer. When their eyes met, he smiled a smile meant just for her. He extended his hand while still talking to one last man. She stepped in beside him. “And this is the mastermind behind this entire event, my wonderful wife Maddie.”

  “Nice to meet you, Maddie. This really is a great idea—bringing all the sports opportunities together in a single place. My son has been able to try out some activities he hadn’t even envisioned. Thanks so much for putting this together.”

  “You’re very welcome.”

  Justin finished up with the customer, one arm hooked around Maddie’s waist the entire time, before sending the man to his mom at the register. Then he steered Maddie behind a rack of baseball bats and pulled her to him. Another minute later, his fingers gripped her hips and his lips were on hers, determined and insistent. No problem—she wasn’t resisting. She opened to him and he swept inside her mouth, leaving the flavor of coffee in his wake.

  He moaned but released her. “We don’t have time now… but that’s to thank you.”

  Maddie swiped at her freshly swollen lips and savored the thought of Justin’s return to his home… and to her. If that kiss was any indication, he’d made the decision she’d hoped for since the day he’d moved out. It was definitely a marked improvement over the pensive, hesitant Justin she’d met with a couple of days ago. “For what?”

  Justin shuffled her back around the display where she could look out over the league tents that flanked his. He spread his arms wide. “This. Everything is wonderful, Maddie. People showed up and not just from Cedar Hill. Your idea might actually work.”

  “I was thinking the same thing this morning, especially about how we could make this an annual event.”