The Courage to Love Her Army Doc

by Karin Baine

  He took a deep breath.

  ‘I had to take medical retirement after the IED that killed Batesy and Ste.’ He debated whether or not to go as far as spilling his guts over the guilt he felt over the incident but decided against it. No one would ever understand how much his failing had affected him, still affected him, and he didn’t expect them to. That was his own personal wallowing pool.

  When Emily didn’t launch into her usual line of questioning, which he’d expected to draw the information out gradually, he was forced to elaborate.

  ‘The explosion damaged my hearing and the army decided they didn’t want to take the chance of having a partially deaf soldier on the front line who couldn’t hear the enemy coming.’ The irony was that it was the stealth of the insurgents that had done the damage in the first place.

  ‘Couldn’t you have continued your medical expertise in one of the hospitals or in some sort of training capacity?’

  There had been no gasp of shock as he broke the news. Although he wasn’t looking for sympathy, he had expected some sort of emotional reaction. Here he was, spilling a secret so easily to her that usually only came out when circumstances forced it from him, and she was treating it as a minor ailment that could’ve been remedied with some paperwork shuffling. She should’ve understood how great the loss of his career had been when she was so tied to her own. If it wasn’t for her own medical expertise keeping her afloat in the aftermath of her marriage she might have felt just as lost as he had when he’d first left the army.

  ‘I was a soldier as well as a medic. I belonged in the field, not cooped up in some safe place while the rest of my colleagues were risking their lives. That blast stole my career from me and left me half the man I used to be.’ There, he’d spelled it out to her in case she was missing the bit about him essentially being worthless to the army.

  ‘It may have felt like that at the time but you’re so much more than the army. You’ve proved that with the work you’ve done here, and everywhere else on your travels.’

  Joe wasn’t sure if he imagined her flinching at the picture he’d painted since she spoke so coolly. Too coolly. Too precisely. Now he thought about it, he hadn’t once had to ask her to repeat herself or speak up since they’d first met. She always spoke clearly, facing him, so he could read her lips, even if he couldn’t hear her every word.

  ‘You already knew.’ The realisation hit him hard. All this time he’d been trying to impress her and she’d probably been aware of his inadequacy all along.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Peter told you why I had to leave the army?’

  The blush gave her away even before she confirmed his hunch. ‘Only because I thought you were being rude by ignoring me.’

  ‘I get that a lot.’ He managed a half-smile at the thought of how riled she must’ve been at him for Peter to have told her. It was some consolation he hadn’t simply been the subject of gossip between them but telling Emily was a big deal for him. It should have been his decision, his privilege to tell her.

  ‘I think that makes us even. My secret for yours.’ Emily nudged him, trying to make light of the moment.

  It would be easy for him to lose his rag and tell her it was none of her business but she wasn’t to blame for his inability to deal with this. No one was, not even Peter. He couldn’t hide away from his hearing issue for ever and if he took a leaf out of her book he’d front it out and people would simply have to accept it. The strength of her courage became even more apparent when he thought of shining a spotlight on his insecurity for the whole world to see. Still, he’d share details of his deafness before he’d let anyone in on the events of that fateful day and his responsibility for it.

  ‘How about a pact never to mention either?’

  ‘Done.’

  ‘And in answer to your original question, yes, I do miss it. Not the heat or the injuries my friends suffered, but the excitement and that sense of belonging. I had a role, a reason to be.’ He shut his mouth before he said anything more. It wasn’t in his nature to take a dip in self-pity, and especially not with spectators. Coming across as a sad sack certainly wasn’t going to improve his chances of finishing what he’d started with Emily tonight. He was supposed to be the fun, uncomplicated side of this partnership. A traumatised ex-vet who needed sex to justify his existence probably wouldn’t seem as attractive.

  ‘You have a role out here. You’re needed here. But I guess that’s why you don’t stick around. It never gets dull for you if you’re always moving from one place to another.’ Emily hugged her knees against her chest as she psychoanalysed him. Joe guessed she found that harder to understand than him hiding his disability when stability and security seemed to be what she craved most in her life. Things she would never find with him.

  ‘Exactly. New places, new people get the adrenaline pumping for me.’ The closest he came to that without leaving the island was when he and Emily were alone together. That was when he felt most alive, most validated as a person.

  Once she left Yasi there would be absolutely no reason for him to stick around.

  CHAPTER TEN

  ‘MORNING.’ EMILY YAWNED a greeting to Peter and Miriama as she passed them in the hallway. She and Joe had managed to grab a few hours’ sleep on a couple of makeshift mattresses close by when they’d volunteered to take over the early morning shift. She thought all was well since she’d been left to wake up in her own time, until she saw that Joe had already vacated his bed.

  ‘Morning.’ Peter handed her some lemon tea, its bitter zing guaranteed to wake her up.

  She cradled the cup in her hands, letting the comforting warmth spread through her weary body before she took a sip. ‘How is Nete?’

  ‘He’s a bit brighter today. Joe’s with him if you want a professional assessment.’

  She trusted Peter’s word but she did want to see for herself. An early morning Joe fix might just set her up for the day too.

  ‘Hey,’ she said when she saw Joe, thinking how unfair it was that he still looked devastatingly handsome on so little sleep. No doubt she had the world’s worst bed hair and panda eyes, while his crumpled clothes and morning stubble simply elevated his hunk status.

  ‘Hi, sleepyhead.’ He had the bright eyes and cheerful demeanour of someone who’d been awake for a while, or had somehow got his hands on a shot of actual caffeine.

  Either way, she would have preferred to have been included than not. ‘You should have woken me.’

  ‘You were sleeping so soundly I hated to disturb you. Besides, you probably wouldn’t have heard me above your snoring.’ He shared the joke with their patient, who was now sitting up unassisted and laughing at her expense.

  ‘I do not snore!’ At least, she didn’t think she did, unless a year of sleeping alone had somehow caused it to manifest. She was sure Greg would’ve told her if it had ever been a problem. He’d never been shy about pointing out her faults and not in such a jokey fashion either. In fact, she could see now that he’d been downright cruel at times, playing on her insecurities until she’d hated herself for not being the woman he’d obviously wanted.

  At least now she was beginning to see she wasn’t the only one who’d failed at that relationship. If Greg had accepted her as unconditionally as Joe seemed to, there would never have been a need to constantly belittle her. In hindsight that was probably what had made her cling to stability as much as she had. She’d needed something to make her feel safe and secure, with her husband constantly undermining her. Now that she’d moved on, found herself at peace with who she was, she didn’t intend to return to that dark, uncertain place.

  ‘I’m only messing with you. You needed the rest. I’m used to getting by on very little sleep.’

  She faked a smile as he reminded her of their contrasting lifestyles. He was always going to be the drifter, content to take life
one day at a time, when all she wanted was her own bed and job security. If she was realistic they’d probably only made a connection because they’d been thrown together on this tiny island and she didn’t want to be with another man for all the wrong reasons.

  ‘So, how are we getting on?’ She glanced over the readings Peter had jotted down during the night, keeping track of his progress.

  ‘Fever’s broken, fluid intake is steady, as is urine output, and he’s hungry, which is always a good sign.’ Relief was etched all over Joe’s smiling face, even though he hadn’t once given in to panic during their stint last night.

  ‘I’m so glad to hear that.’ At times it had been touch-and-go whether or not they’d get to this apparent recovery phase. They’d sweated right along with the patient through every painful stage of the illness. Not that it was over yet, but Joe was right, the outcome was looking more favourable now than it had done at certain low points of the night. It had been a long shift and she had a new-found respect for hospital workers for whom the long hours and clean-up were simply part of the job. All worth it, though, if it meant the worst had passed.

  ‘I think it’s safe for us to nip home and get freshened up, if Peter and Miriama don’t mind taking over here a bit longer?’ Joe was able to put his question directly to the other volunteers as they entered the room on cue.

  ‘No problem at all,’ Miriama assured them both.

  Emily would never dream of taking advantage but even a bucket of cold water seemed like a luxury right now to someone in last night’s clothes who’d spent most of the last twelve hours mopping fevered brows and vomit.

  ‘Er...the chief might have other ideas for you.’

  Peter interrupted her immediate plans with a worrying comment. If there was some sort of ceremony to celebrate renewed health, Emily hoped she could still grab five minutes’ privacy for a wash and change of clothes.

  ‘We won’t be long. Tell him we’ll be back in our rightful places in no time at all.’ Joe added his support to her cause, clearly with the same need to feel human again. They couldn’t possibly be taken seriously as medical professionals dressed in wrinkled date-night clothes as if they’d just stumbled in from a club.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, you can still go and get changed. I mean he has plans for the rest of your day. He wants to throw a beach picnic in your honour for saving his son.’

  ‘That sounds lovely.’

  ‘There’s really no need. Besides, we’re not completely out of the woods yet.’ Joe talked over her acceptance with some uncharacteristic reluctance to take part on one of the spontaneous gatherings.

  Emily pouted as the menfolk battled to plan her day for her. ‘I haven’t seen the beach since the day I arrived. You’re the one who’s always telling me to chill, take time out for me and stop stressing about deserting my post. Or is that only when it suits you?’

  This was coming close to their first real argument, but while she was bracing herself for a showdown, Joe clenched his jaw and bit back whatever retort was on his tongue.

  ‘He really wants to show you his gratitude and we can hold the fort for you here until you get back. You both need the break.’ Peter was so insistent it would be a shame to send him back to the chief with bad news.

  ‘We’d love to, wouldn’t we, Joe?’ She pushed her luck that tiny bit further. Once he had time to think about it he’d see some fresh air, a paddle in the sea and a picnic lunch might be the best medicine to revitalise two weary medics.

  Neither his scowl nor his grunt were in keeping with that theory but he didn’t object verbally and she took that as an uneasy acceptance. A complete role reversal from their usual power play. This time she was the one pushing him to try something different. Emily understood his concerns but the others were well versed in the treatment to give in their absence. Bar chartering a private plane to get their patient to a hospital, there was little more any of them could do if his condition worsened. The next time this illness struck the island it was entirely possible Miriama would be the only person here to treat it anyway. At least, that’s how Emily justified this time out to herself.

  It wasn’t long before she and Joe were heading back to get ready for their lunch date, regardless of his reluctance to join the ‘keep calm and carry on’ party.

  ‘You shouldn’t have done that.’

  ‘Why not? I think we earned a break. Anyway, aren’t you the one always reminding me how much I’ll offend people by not participating in these things? It’s lunch, not a mutiny. I’m still coming back to resume my doctor duties once I’ve been fed. It might not be up to the culinary standards of your beans on toast feast but I’m hungry, sleep-deprived and generally in need of some me time. That might sound selfish but I think a less grouchy me will benefit everyone in the long run. We’ll be back before you know it.’

  She could see why he was so concerned about leaving their patient but she genuinely believed Nete was over the worst of it and they wouldn’t be gone for too long. It was never going to be a continuation of their ruined date with so many others in attendance but it would do them good to get out of there for a while.

  ‘That won’t be as soon as you think.’

  ‘What makes you say that?’

  ‘Their idea of a beach picnic is on another island. It’s a beautiful place but not very practical for getting back to a patient in the event of an emergency.’

  ‘Why on earth didn’t you tell me?’ She wanted to scream at him for standing back while she’d blathered on about what she needed. If she’d known it would come at the possible cost of their patient’s welfare she never would’ve pursued this.

  He shrugged, increasing the chances of her giving those shoulders a shake herself. ‘You didn’t give me much of a chance. You seemed so determined to accept and I didn’t want to worry the others unnecessarily.’

  But it was apparently okay to make her more anxious by keeping the details to himself until it was too late to do anything. She ground her teeth, stifling her exasperation.

  ‘Now what do we do?’ She’d landed them in a tricky situation, caught between offending the chief and potentially jeopardising his son’s health.

  ‘Now we go and put on our beach clothes and graciously accept our host’s invitation. We’ll leave instructions for the treatment we would’ve carried out ourselves and keep our fingers crossed this works out.’ His smile didn’t travel any further than his lips and Emily knew it was only to placate her.

  She’d messed up but something told her Joe would be the one to accept responsibility should the worst happen.

  So much for acting spontaneously. It never ended well for her.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  AFTER HER LONGED-FOR freshen-up, Emily decided to go with the outfit she’d worn when she’d first arrived on the island. The maxi-dress wasn’t any more practical than the last time but it was comfortable and put her back in holiday mode. The deed was done, they were leaving the island, so she may as well enjoy it.

  She met up with Joe where they’d had that initial encounter at the water’s edge, although there were a few more island greeters this time. He was wearing the same outfit as he had that day too, which she put down to their strong connection—or karma. Or the distinct lack of wardrobe choices available to them on the island.

  At least he was smiling properly this time as he walked towards her. ‘I’ve left the locum doctors with enough papaya leaves to paper the room with and a promise we’ll be back before nightfall.’

  ‘I’m sure everything will be fine.’ She was trying to convince herself since it was too late to undo her mistake without causing panic.

  They joined the small band of locals weighed down with armfuls of food for their day out. It seemed an age since she’d landed here with no knowledge of what she’d been getting herself into. Only a few days later she had friends who want
ed to throw her a celebratory lunch, and a man who seemed to like her. If they ever found themselves alone again they might actually get to explore what that meant.

  ‘You look beautiful, by the way,’ he said, and pressed a kiss to her cheek, drawing a few giggles from the kids in the assembled crowd.

  ‘I’m actually quite excited about this.’ She meant about their island hopping but it worked for Joe kisses too. No matter how chaste, or not, the second his lips touched her she was on fire with desire for him. Sooner or later she was going to have to let it burn itself out or extinguish the flames altogether. In the end there would be nothing but ashes left anyway and a memory of what could have been.

  ‘So are they.’ He nodded in the direction of their happy travelling companions who’d come together in their honour. Those who could afford to take some time out of their busy day, at least. She and Joe really were very privileged to have such generosity bestowed on them when resources were so limited out here. That kind of respect and appreciation meant more to her than monetary bonuses or finishing work on time every night. There was a definite attraction to the laid-back lifestyle out here that wasn’t just about her co-worker.

  ‘Where is this place we’re going to?’ Her adventurous spirit hadn’t completely run away with her. On seeing their mode of transport, a couple of dinghies that looked as though they’d been washed ashore during the last hurricane, she was suddenly keen to remain within swimming distance of Yasi. They definitely weren’t in any condition to go out on the open sea but the chief was beaming with so much pride as he ushered them on board he could’ve been giving them a tour of the islands on his private yacht.