The Life She Couldn't See

by ChaShiree M.

  “We love you.” I tell her with emotion toggling my throat. It’s true. She was a mom to the three of us, though she was without a mom as well. Well figuratively speaking. “Things with Cole are good. He seems to be adjusting as well as can be expected.”

  “I am not surprised. You are a natural.”

  “You think? I mean, I don’t know. I always feel like I am trying too hard.”

  “Kea listen to me. As you and I both know it takes more than giving birth to make a mother. Lord knows, none of ours did anything in the way of parenting. Some of us are born to be moms. Trust me, you are one of them.”

  My eyes are more than a little wet now. I am out and out crying. My emotions are being a bit off kilter, which is also the reason I am going to the doctor tomorrow. I have been off my birth control for months, because I couldn’t find the time to go and go through all the tests for my PCOS, that I would need to do to get the prescription.

  “I just want him to know how much I love him. How much I want to be his mom.” I tell her between sniffles.

  “He knows sweet Kea. If he doesn’t know right this second, he will figure it out. Just do what you do best. Love him.”

  “I will. I swear!” I do swear with all my heart.

  “Good. Now, I need to finish making these cookies for the bake sale at the school. I love you. If you have any questions about anything don’t hesitate.”

  “I love you. If you need anything or my niece starts trying to come early, call me. Promise me?” She laughs like I am joking with her.

  “I promise.”

  After we hang up, I go to the grocery store and back home. I walk around looking at everything, noting how much it has all changed in the short time I have been living here with Colton. Seeing it through his eyes. Does he mind the toys lying around? Or the subtle flower accents I have added to everything? For that matter, the girlie things in the bathroom upstairs? I can’t help but feel maybe he feels a bit overwhelmed by the changes that have happened overnight.

  I spend the rest of the afternoon baking and fixing dinner. By the time the boys get home, I have worried myself into a frenzy.

  “Hey baby. Dinner looks great.” Colt tells me as he leans over for a kiss. I sigh when his mouth leaves mine. I always feel the loss when we are not touching.

  “Thanks.” I tell him a bit awkwardly and immediately hope he doesn’t notice. Of course, that is futile. The look he gives me lets me know he caught it, and he expects an answer. I look away from him and start talking to Cole.

  “How was school sweetie?” I ask him as he washes his hands.

  “It was ok. This boy named Lou asked me why I started school late.” I look at his sad face and my heart breaks. How could two people make this perfect little human and not do everything in their power to give him the world.

  “I’m sorry sweetie.”

  I want to ask him what his little four-year-old brain conjured up for an answer, but I note the look in his eyes. It’s funny how I have been his mom for less than three weeks and already I feel like I know him. I feel a connection to him, and it surprises me. Deep in my heart I knew I had the capacity to love him, that is not what I am saying. It’s more that my inability to have children made me think it would render me lacking in some way, connecting with a child I didn’t birth. But I find it quite the opposite. With Cole, I feel ...everything.

  “Come here little dude.” Cole walks to Colton with his head hanging down. My heart reaches out to him. I want nothing more than to smother him with my love and make everything ok. But I also know, there are some things a mom cannot do. I watch as Colt puts Cole on his lap.

  “There is no shame in anything that has happened to you. You can tell anyone who asks, you have been waiting for a family to love you. And as soon as we found you, we took you and now you have everything.” I turn my back to them, not wanting either of them to see the waterfall leaking from my face.

  “Does that sound ok little dude?”

  “Do you?” I hear Cole whisper. Colton looks up at me and I shrug, not sure what he is asking.

  “Do we what sweet boy?” I ask him.

  He takes a second before he looks up at Colton and then at me. His little fingers fidgeting, pulling at his shirt.

  “Love me?”

  The emotion wells up inside me. So much sorrow and agony on his behalf. I can feel the melancholy taking up residence inside my veins, wanting me to release it with the slit of a knife. It's all too much to bear. But I do what mothers have been doing for centuries; I take a deep breath, look to my beloved for assurance, and I answer my sweet boy.

  “We love you so much Cole. I know we aren’t your real parents and I know you have had it very hard for such a sweet boy. But, someone told me today that giving birth doesn’t make a person a parent. I hope with all my heart that’s true, because Colton and I want nothing more than to be your parents.”

  He looks at the both of us and I can see the wheels in his tiny little head turning, trying to make sense of everything. I am at a loss for what more I can say. I look to Colt, hoping my eyes convey the anguish of not knowing what else to say. And like the hero in every one of my nightmares he saves me.

  “Cole, we know it is a lot to take in and we are willing to wait as long as it takes. For now, how about we eat?”

  “Yes please. I’m hungry.”

  For the rest of our dinner, we listen to the excitement pouring from Cole with his feelings about his upcoming karate class. Colton leaves the table as soon as dinner is done and goes into his office. After clearing the table, loading the dishwasher, and putting Cole into bed; I go into our bedroom and find myself sitting on the edge of the bed.

  I can feel something is wrong, but do I want to know? What if it breaks my heart? I will never be able to recover, and neither will that little boy. I am lying in bed by the time Colton comes up the stairs. I feign sleep not wanting to deal with it, right now.

  “You going to pretend to be asleep or are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Damn him. I’m not turning around no matter what. Yes. I am being childish. So sue me.

  I answer him without moving, “You have been so distant ever since we came back from Wyoming. I was wondering if. Maybe...you’re having second thoughts about...all this.” Aren’t you supposed to feel better when you get heavy stuff off your chest? It didn’t help me at all. I barely get the words out before he rolls me over onto my back and cages me on the mattress.

  “You fucking look at me when you are insulting my heart. What the fuck did you just ask me?” Oh. shit. The look in his eyes is feral. It is almost scary, if I wasn’t so turned on by the libidinous eyes he is giving me. My pussy recognizes that look as well. Homegirl is dripping all over herself right now.

  “I mean ...well...I don’t know” I can’t form a coherent sentence right now, as my body is squirming and trying to offer itself to him. I want to open my legs, tell him to forget everything else, and just fuck me, but he has my legs pinned as well.

  “No baby. You are not going to get away that easy. How many ways do I have to tell you I own you baby? This luscious mouth…” he bends down and bites my lip, pulling a moan with a gasp from my mouth. My lower half writhing in need desperation.

  “These cute ears and this beautiful nose.” He stops and stares me in my face. “These beautiful eyes.” He moves the hair out of my face. “Everything about you belongs to me baby.”

  He stops talking and I can feel the panic coming. I need him to finish this. My body is on fire and I’m literally going up in flames. My neck and face are flushed as my chest moves up and down. My breathing is somewhat sporadic yet coming nonstop.

  “Colton don’t stop. Please.”

  “Not a chance baby.”

  He lifts me in his arms and moves back towards the headboard, sitting me astride him so that I am facing him with my legs open around his waist. In this position I can feel how hard he is for me. My uncovered pussy is dripping all over his sweats, asking for him to punish or
worship her. Why can’t it be both.

  His hands, both encasing my face and holding my head exactly as he wants it. Here I am staring into the eyes of the man I love more than I ever dreamed. It's more than that, in his eyes is the answer. If I have ever wondered about his love for me, it’s now no longer a question.

  “Do you see now, little one. Do you understand that you are the very organ that makes my entire body come alive? If something were to happen to you, I would no longer have the ability to live.”

  “Colton.”

  I lean down as I say his name. My mouth reaches his and I let my tongue do the talking for me. He wraps one hand around my neck as his other hand slides up my thigh, inching his way up to my pussy. I feel out of control, and I find myself biting his lip wanting him to throw me down and take. His finger touches my clit and I am gone.

  “Mmmm ...Colton. Yes.”

  “Look at these plump nipples. Your t-shirt can’t even hide how much you need me.” He bits my nipple through my shirt. The sound that leaves me is a cross between a moan and a cry of pain. The fucked up part is I liked that more than I should have.

  Chapter 28

  COLTON

  I feel like shit knowing that my troubles are causing her to doubt my complete devotion to her and Cole. I have been in my head from the moment they left to go out of town, trying to figure out how to find these motherfuckers. And I think I forgot to come back.

  However, as my woman, she should know that she is my world. The fact she somehow let herself forget, pisses me off. I never want her to doubt anything about the life we are building.

  “Ah. Shit. Colt.” She keens. Her hands are holding my mouth to her chest, as my teeth make nice work of her nipples through her t-shirt. She has never looked sexier than she does right now covered in barely anything, messy hair and swollen lips from me sucking them into my mouth.

  “You know you’re going to have to make it up to me baby. When you doubt me, it guts me. It makes me feel like the lowest of the low knowing I have somehow failed you and our son.” It’s fucking true. What kind of man am I that I am neglecting my family, so much that my woman feels like I don’t want them?

  “Colton. No. I am so sorry. It’s not you. It’s my own doubts. You have no idea how long I have gone through my life feeling like the fat girl. The one unworthy of love. My siblings never made me feel this way, but let's be honest. Look at my sisters and look at me.” Took me so long to understand, it’s my parents. Not me.

  “Don't do that baby. Yes, sure your sisters are beautiful. But you, you were made for me. There is a reason we have both been basically single for a long time. We were made for each other. When I look at you, I see a real woman. Full of life, unselfish, and not taken down by the shitty hand she was dealt in life. I see a woman yearning to help others, while craving a family of her own. A woman who is not so put down that she doesn’t give all the love she can to the family she already has. Don’t get me started on how fucking sexy you are. You are full of all the delicious curves that make my mouth water and my cock bounce. Do you think some pencil thin salad eating chick could handle all of this?” I emphasize by pumping my rock-solid cock against her hot pussy. I’m loving the fact that she moans as soon as I rock her against it.

  “You see too much. But I see just enough. I watched you for months, before I decided it was time for me to own you. Rubbing my cock raw every night, thinking about what you would look underneath all those clothes. So, don’t insult the woman and the body that belong to me. Now I am going to ask again. You know you have to make it up to me, right?”

  “Yes. Yes Colton. I want to make it up to you.” She’s in a frenzy right now because my thumb is working her clit, rubbing it then stopping. Over and over.

  “Good girl. Take my cock out baby.” Her hand immediately goes to my sweats, fingernails sweeping over my cock as she picks it up. My teeth are grinding down on themselves as I try to stay in check. Her hands always feel like heaven on me.

  “You’re licking your lips like you want something. Unfortunately, this isn’t about you.” Not giving her a second to think, I move her by the hips and impale her on my cock.

  “Ahhhh.” She screams. No matter how many times a day I take her, she has a hard time taking me like this. “Colt.”

  Fuck!! Her tight pussy feels as if I am coming home every damn time. My stomach muscles constrict as I try to gain control over myself. I could blow right now knowing I own her cream-soaked snatch for the rest of my life. Instead, I simply sit her there and don't move. The slit of her eyes are low and drunk almost. She’s so far gone, she’s moving up and down slowly like she can’t find her way. Her hand is in her hair pulling, while the other one is tugging and raising her nipples with each bounce. So fucking sexy. How could she doubt she is anything other than fucking amazing?

  “Look at you. So far gone you can’t sit still, can you?”

  “It feels so good having you inside me. Stretching me wide. Colt!!”

  She’s lust drunk and begins to falter as her body prepares itself to peak. My turn now. I pinch her nipples again, before pulling the T-shirt over her head. My nostrils flare as I take in the flush covering her pale skin. Perfection.

  I suck both of her nipples into my mouth. One after the other. Biting them as I let go. Her mewls are appealing to the beast in me. Calling me to make her scream. Her pussy squeezes me harder as she begs me to take her. Fuck her. Show her.

  “As you wish.” With my hands on her hips, I start lifting and dropping her over and over.

  “Don’t. Ever. Doubt. My. Love. For. You. Again. Say, yes Colton.” Each thrust, I demand that she remembers who she belongs to.

  “Yes. Colton. Yes. Yes. Yesssss.” Her orgasm takes her away. I can see the drift in her eyes. She’s not with me right now as she floats in and out. Seeing her so gone, covered in sweat, barely able to breathe, and it sets me off right behind her. My balls tighten as I rock her back and forth, I erupt inside of her.

  “Shit. Shit. Shit. So good. Love you baby. And your fucking pussy.” We both lay there not moving. Just holding each other. I love nights like this.

  I am about to tell her what had made me so distracted, when we hear shouting from Cole’s room. She jumps off me to get her shirt on as I sprint down the hallway. My heart is trying to break out of my chest. In the short time it takes me to make it to his room, I have already assessed that there is no way anyone got in here. I have this house locked up like Fort Knox.

  I make it into his room and the sight before me breaks my heart. My boy is sitting up against the headboard with his knees up to his chest, rocking back and forth crying. I want to pull Fiero out of jail and kill him right now.

  “It’s ok Cole. I got you. It’s only a bad dream.” I try holding him.

  I’m not sure that I am doing it right, but I want him to know I am here to protect him. Kea comes into the room and takes in the sight before her. She walks over to the bed with her arms open for him.

  “My sweet boy. I am sorry you had a nightmare. Come here sweetie.” He goes right to her as if he has been doing it all his life. She rocks and soothes him, while I wrap them both in my arms and vow to never let go.

  Once Cole is back to sleep, we go back to our room and back to bed.

  “I’m sorry baby, that I have been distant. I have been chasing these two drug dealers for years. One of them is the motherfucker who kidnapped my sister. I got the call that they are both in the area, before you two left for Wyoming.”

  “I see. Should I be worried?” She shouldn’t be. But I am.

  “No baby. I have someone on you and Cole throughout the day, until you are home every night.” I say and kiss her forehead.

  “Ok babe. Goodnight.” She barely gets the words out before she is out.

  Don’t worry little one. I got you. Both of you.

  I have been watching Cole this morning looking for any signs he has any residual leftover feelings from his dream last night, but he doesn’t seem to remember
he even had one. After fixing breakfast we all sit at the table, which we try to do as many mornings as we can. We both want him to feel stable, loved, and have a sense of consistency. We want him to get used to talking to us about any and everything.

  “Baby, what are you plans for the day?” I like to have an idea of what she has going on, so I can brief the guys and whoever is following her for the day.

  “After I drop Cole off, I am going to see Fae. She is dilating and I want to check on her. Then I have a doctor’s appointment.”

  “Doctor’s appointment? Is everything ok?”

  “Everything is fine babe. I just need to renew my birth control and most Docs won’t let you do that without a check-up. After that, I was going to pick Cole up cause you have a meeting tonight, and he and I are going to get him registered for his Karate class.”

  “Sounds good. Try to see if they have a Saturday class so I can take him.” I want to be like my dad, involved in everything.

  “Sure thing babe. Cole, you ready to go?”

  “Yes. Uh...Colton?”

  “What’s up little dude?”

  “My class is going to have a father-son ball game on Sunday. Will you...can you come with me?”

  I am a fully-grown man and can’t remember the last time I cried. Probably not since I was ten. But right now, looking at my boy and the unsure look of defeat on his face is enough to break anyone...even me. I get down on my haunches and look him in the eye.

  “Nothing would make me prouder than to go with you.” He looks at me, eyes bright with happiness. Shit. This little boy is going to turn me into a bitch.

  “Thank you.” He hugs me and god damn it. I’m a goner.

  I look up and it seems I am not the only one having a hard time keeping it together. When he releases me, I walk him and Kea to the door, kiss them both, and watch as they drive off.

  Immediately I grab my phone off the counter. While we were eating, I heard it go off numerous times. However, I refuse to be the father that ignores his family at the table to look at my phone. Seeing I have ten missed messages, I open them up.