To Hold A Rainbow: A Maui Love Story

by MJ Brannigan

  Kamea couldn’t help but put her hand on his shoulder. This was the first time in all the years of her adult and teenage life that he was acknowledging who she was. The bitter spot that made her want to avoid his judgmental silence seemed to be softening. She had never seen a look on his face quite like this before either; “I know, Dad. I know. It’s okay.”

  * * *

  Dinner passed, and the sun touching the horizon, Kamea and their guest, Kris had gone out to the lanai to finish their after-dinner coffee and desserts. Her father wanted to stay inside and watch the rest of the football game, and Mom wouldn’t hear of Kamea or Kris’s insistence to help clean up; “You girls go outside and relax. Your Mom’s got this, honey,” she said, shooing them out onto the lanai.

  “Was your Dad trying to fix us up, ya think?” Kris asked, with a bit of a chuckle. “Not something my Dad would have done,” she continued.

  “Pretty sure. Yeah. But you’d have to understand him. This is a first. He never wanted to acknowledge my being gay at all before, kept trying to fix me up with one guy after another. He might not get that just because we’re both lesbian doesn’t make us wanna date. But I gotta give him kudos for tryin’,” Kamea said, chuckling, and shaking her head.

  “Well, I’m off duty tomorrow if you want to hang out?” Kris asked. “Not a date or anything, of course” she said with a laugh. “But I hear some big waves are goin’ off on the North Shore. They say pipeline is huge—double overhead—might be kinda fun to watch.”

  “Sure, that would be great,” Kamea replied. “I’d have to borrow my Dad’s car.”

  “That’s okay. I’ve got a car. It’s a bit of a junker, but it’ll get us there and back. I can swing by in the morning, and we can head up there.”

  “Sounds good. Why don’t you come by for breakfast if you want? Mom always makes the best pancakes, and they’ll think we’re hitting it off too.” Kamea said, winking.

  “I know, right?” Kris replied, smiling in response.

  Kamea was pretty sure her Mom had been working on her father since their conversation on her last visit, getting him used to the idea his daughter was gay, was always going to be gay, and that she wasn’t going to change just because he didn’t like it. She told Kamea she had him watching particular TV shows and movies, would point out some of the actors and actresses he enjoyed that; “just happened to be gay, and they seem to be nice people, don’t they?”

  He was getting used to the idea over time. Her mother even introduced him to a few ladies in her craft group that lived together—older women in their late sixties, and; “yes honey, they’ve been an actual couple for over thirty years.”

  It was strange to be home and not feel the unspoken tension in the air from her father’s awkwardness. He was getting older, she figured; was seeing the world change around him and was just taking longer than some to get used to it. She realized how lucky she was that he was changing his views at all. It was an unexpected surprise.

  When she last talked to Rebecca before dinner, she learned Jenny was still trying to persuade her to take her back, come back to the business. At least, it didn’t seem as though Rebecca wanted to do as Jenny proposed, she thought.

  Kamea had a pretty self-sufficient life on Maui, but she didn’t know what she had to offer Rebecca. Vacation time was fun, sure. But they couldn’t spend the rest of their lives in bed, spearing fish, only to go back to bed and nothing else.

  Rebecca would be lost without work, without feeling as though she was contributing something of value too. Kamea couldn’t help but wonder if it would be better for Rebecca to go back to her old life, a little richer for sure, and to a woman with lots of money to share her life with.

  * * *

  “I can tell your head’s been somewhere else all morning,” Kris said, playing with the straw in her cup as she took another sip from her tropical smoothie. “I’m still thinking about your mom’s pancakes,” she jested.

  Kamea smiled, brought back to the moment. After a hesitation; “Seems kinda silly, but… Do you believe in love at first sight?” Kamea found herself asking, a little red-faced at letting the question slip.

  “Falling for me already, Connolly?” Kris replied with a laugh.

  “Oh, sorry,” Kamea responded with a chuckle. “I don’t know why I feel it’s okay to ask you something like this,” she replied, a bit embarrassed. “You’re pretty easy to talk to, though—I can see why my Dad likes you.”

  They had been watching the waves pounding the North Shore at Pipeline, amazed at the skill of the surfers. They joined in the crowd’s “oohs” and cringing “oh’s” with everyone else when one of them would get caught in the washing machine that was the reality of surfing on the North Shore in the fall and winter months. Now they were hanging out on the front porch of one of the many little shops along the road; surfboards lined up along the wall, wind chimes blowing from the eaves, and flip flops and souvenir trinkets hanging in columns along the wall behind them.

  Kamea could see why her father liked Kris. She had about 30 or more pounds on Kamea and made a formidable figure for a soldier—even if she was just working in a Quartermaster Supply Unit. But her increasing rank had also put her behind a desk more and more; good at managing the flow of work that made up the unit’s central office. She had a quiet, calm nature, and were she to be living on Maui, they would most likely make good friends.

  “Who is she—since you brought it up?” Kris asked.

  “We’ve barely known each other two weeks, well, not even. And on top of that, she just came over here on vacation—might be heading back to the mainland in a few days. That’s the kicker: she doesn’t know if she should stay, go back, or go back to find a way to live here. On top of that, her old flame just showed up to try and win her back. She’s confused. And it’s confusing me too. Something about her feels different, though,” Kamea found herself confessing. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her or take my eyes off her since I first saw her. She might look ordinary to anyone else, but…” Kamea trailed off.

  “Would but I could, I’d free my mind of her… Would but for my heart,” Kris replied, saying the words as if reading them printed across the sky. Her gaze remained steady, looking over the railing and out to the heavy waves still coming ashore.

  “Hmm?” Kamea looked her way, a quizzed look on her face.

  “Just something from an old Victorian novel,” Kris replied, now turning towards Kamea. “I like to read.”

  “A soldier and a literary scholar too?” Kamea chided.

  “I spend a lot of time at a desk, and when you’re pulling guard duty and all-nighters sitting on your ass, you need to do something to help stay sane. Might as well fill my brain with stuff I like,” she replied. “And yes, as a bit of a romantic myself, I do,” she added.

  “How does it go again?” Kamea asked.

  “Would but I could, I’d free my mind of her… Would but for my heart,” Kris replied, turning her gaze back out to sea.

  Kamea followed suit, looking back out over the water, watching the waves rolling in. “Yeah, that.”

  “You got it bad, Connolly,” Kris said, still looking at the waves.

  “I know, right?”

  CHAPTER 24 - REBECCA

  Rebecca found herself more and more exhausted from Jenny’s unannounced visit. She did her best to sell her on the idea of them getting back together during dinner, but let it go before the evening ended. “Well, let’s just hang out while I’m here like we’re on vacation—only got a couple of days. We might as well make the best of it while your new friend is away visiting family for the holiday,” she said.

  Rebecca wanted to tell Jenny she had shown up just in time to mess things up for her royal; that she would rather be with Kamea on Oahu, or anywhere for that matter. But she found herself overwhelmed by Jenny’s dominance, her take-command-of-the-situation manner. She had forgotten about that. Jenny seemed unaffected by the mention of ‘her new friend’ as though it was
allowable in their relationship because, well, “I did you wrong by leaving, and it took me too long to realize it,” she had said.

  “She’s not right for you anyway, by the way you describe her—a kind of free-spirit surfer girl, right?”

  “She spearfishes,” Rebecca replied. “Catches her dinner and grows most of her food.”

  “That’s what grocery stores are for,” Jenny had quipped. “No one can live like that anymore. Can’t make a living that way—not for too long, at least.”

  Thanksgiving Day, Rebecca made herself useful as a tour guide, driving them up to Haleakala, a few stops along the coast, and with a visit into the B&B to chat with some of the local Zen community members and enjoy their potluck. Jenny just picked over a few of their vegetarian offerings and then made reservations at her resort hotel for their Thanksgiving buffet, so the visit was cut short.

  The linen napkins and heavy silverware brought home to Rebecca that this was an exclusive resort hotel—a far cry from pulling tasty fresh-caught and grilled fish apart with her fingers as she had done with Kamea and her housemates only a few days before.

  With Thanksgiving Day behind them, Rebecca picked Jenny up at the room on Friday morning. She found Jenny excited.

  “Hope you don’t mind; figured we might as well do one of those helicopter tours too,” she said. “We can go after breakfast. It’ll be fun!” she exclaimed.

  It was beautiful, Rebecca had to admit. Flying out over the water, floating above lush tree-covered mountains and waterfalls, seeing the immensity of Haleakala, and even skimming the shoreline where she had clung for dear life on the rocks.

  “We can do stuff like this all the time if you’d like,” Jenny told her. She was relentless.

  Rebecca found herself easing from the initial shock of Jenny’s sudden intrusion. It brought her back to how things used to be. She hadn’t realized just how much Jenny had dominated everything in their lives until now. Maybe that’s what she needed—that structure provided while they were together. The thing she felt lost without when the relationship had ended. Who was she to think this Hawaiian fantasy life was any more than that—a fantasy?

  She couldn’t deny the attraction she felt for Kamea. Couldn’t deny the way she made her feel. But Kamea was self-sufficient. What could she possibly see in me? Need me for? The spiral of doubt accompanied their landing back on the tarmac—back on solid ground. Her entire trip had been a beautiful ride. Maybe it was time to pack her suitcase too and get back to the life she knew? Kamea would understand.

  Since their initial hug, she and Jenny hadn’t touched—other than the few brushes Jenny had made to her hand or arm in conversation.

  When Rebecca took her back to the resort complex, Jenny grew excited by what she saw. “Maybe a condo over here would be nice,” she suggested,

  All Rebecca saw was the crowded southwest side of the island—the high-rent district.

  “We can write off our board meetings coming here too, rent out the condo when we don’t want to be here—probably end up making money on the deal too,” Jenny said with excitement in her voice, fingers on the back of Rebecca’s arm.

  Maybe she didn’t feel the same attraction to Jenny as before because of the year-long enduring hurt? She’d put up a wall to protect herself. Relationships go through stuff like this all the time, right? It’s like when someone cheats on you and you forgive them and get over it, right? You just soldier on.

  No such wall existed between her and Kamea though; a blush of first love, an innocence, yes. Naivety, perhaps.

  Jenny made sure Rebecca knew whatever she decided, there were profits from the recent contract with Thompson-Dawes that would go to her. She wasn’t sure she believed her; if she would make good on that with her decision going the other way. But it was something, at least, a nice gesture on her part she hadn’t expected.

  It was making more and more sense to go back to Detroit though. Chalk this up to a wonderful fling. She had been living a vacation fantasy she bet most women would only ever read about in romance novels while lounging around the pool or tucked into their beds before sleep, never having the chance to experience for themselves.

  She still had one more day after Jenny left before she would have to return herself. Kamea would come home tonight. How was she going to tell her she still wasn’t sure what to do?

  * * *

  It was dark when Kamea called her to let her know she was back on Maui.

  “I’ll be home in about twenty minutes if you want to come by.”

  Rebecca was torn. She wanted to go to Kamea and fall into her embrace, to just let her hold her, let her know she didn’t want to be apart from her ever again. She was finishing up dinner with Jenny, who was making a last-ditch effort over cocktails to convince her she would make everything up to her. That she would love working together again, and that she could take all the time she needed to work out the kinks in their relationship. Again she said; “We can get married too if you want. It’s what you always wanted, right?”

  Torn. That was how she felt. Maui was tearing her to pieces. Maybe it would have been better to have been swept out to sea, dashed on the rocks, become food for fish, and not have to endure any of this. She wanted it to be over. Maybe she would wake up in her bed back in Detroit and realize this had all been a dream.

  “What are you thinking?” Jenny asked, now noticing the far off look that had come over Rebecca.

  “I’m just confused is all.” Rebecca somewhat surprised Jenny was giving her the option to speak. “We were together a long time. I loved it, all of it. That’s why it was so hard when you left. You just left without saying why. Why did you leave?”

  “Fear, honey,” Jenny replied. “Something about being boxed in, afraid I was getting older and running out of choices, options. The wrinkles appearing around my eyes didn’t help—I’m a couple of years older than you, remember? I saw our being together as wonderful; I want you to know that. But I was also afraid that getting married and settling down—maybe adopting a kid or two—well… I just wasn’t ready for that.”

  “Now?” Rebecca asked. “How would you like to you see yourself—us—in five years’ time?”

  “Well, not sure. I figure we can just see how it goes,” Jenny replied, sitting back in her chair and looking around the room. “Business is good, and there’s even more opportunity coming up I haven’t told you about. We can expand the business too, maybe open an office out here if you’d like? Maybe make a transition over the years to working more out here if we like it. They do business in Hawaii too. They need marketing and design stuff, right?”

  Rebecca felt unmoved. She saw the sincerity on Jenny’s face, her eyes darting around as if to come up with more ideas on why they would still be good for one another. But there wasn’t an answer in Jenny’s litany of answers that resonated with her heart the way she hoped. She wasn’t sure what the answer was she wanted to hear. But she had made a good case as to why this time on the island was a vacation fantasy she had to let go of and get on with her life.

  Rebecca girded herself for what was to come. She had to see Kamea and put all this to rest.

  * * *

  “How was it with your family?” Rebecca asked, forehead to forehead, nose to nose as they held each other. She hadn’t wanted to disturb the quiet, to remember this forever—the only sounds; their breathing, and beating of hearts.

  “Better than expected,” Kamea whispered, not changing her stance, not opening her eyes. “I was surprised by how much I missed you,” she continued. “Silly, right?”

  “No more silly than I,” Rebecca replied, then adding; “Jenny worked me over pretty good.”

  Kamea opened her eyes and lifted her head to see Rebecca’s face clearer. “What do you mean, worked you over?”

  “Oh, just, she was so apologetic. Wants to make everything up to me, you know.”

  Kamea let her arms fall along the length of Rebecca’s arms, squeezing her hands before letting them go. “She
sincere?”

  “Yeah, oh yeah. She seems quite sincere, contrite even.”

  “What do you think you’re gonna do?” Kamea asked, turning her back to Rebecca and looking past their reflection in the window and out into the darkness.

  “I’d rather stay here—you know that. And I don’t know that I can ever go back to Jenny either, but... You talked about me staying with you or even at your Auntie’s for a while if I wanted to make a go of things here. Don’t get me wrong. Since you pulled me off the rocks, I’ve loved every minute of being with you. It just seems so...”

  “Storybook? Fantasy?” Kamea interjected.

  “Yeah. Exactly.” Rebecca could see Kamea’s eyes water a little; she tried to keep her face looking away—out into the darkness. Low-hanging clouds swept past; their undersides lit pale orange by the lights of Paia on their way out to sea.

  “I don’t know what I could add to your life here,” Rebecca continued. “Don’t know what it is you see in me anyway, when I feel so messed up—rescued crazy tourist lady, caught on the rocks,” she tried to lighten the moment. “I’m still a mess, and I don’t think you need a mess when you already have such a good life without me,” Rebecca placed her hands on Kamea’s shoulders, sliding them down to her arms to pull her close, and rest her head against her back.

  “I understand,” Kamea said, with a little quiver in her voice. “I didn’t want to, you know, get involved, you being from the mainland and all, but, well, I couldn’t seem to help it. Maybe I just wanted someone to take care of for a change. You seemed to be someone I wanted to take care of for the first time ever, not just date or hang out with. It was more. But... I understand. Maybe when you get home, we can stay in touch? I hate that I’m the one sounding needy here, but, well, I don’t want to not have you in my life.”

  Kamea slipped into silence, and Rebecca felt as though the body against her was attempting to hold back tears, to stifle the quiver of gentle sobbing.