An Hour in the Darkness

by Michael Bailey

  I remember shaking after he’d gone because I knew he was just about going to die when he saw Jenny lying in the road like that. I just sat down on the floor and finished wrapping the snow globe. I didn’t know what else to do. I crack myself up sometimes. I’m the kind of person who will finish wrapping up a snow globe when someone has just been hit by a car or something.

  I ran back outside. I was still holding the snow globe. I had wrapped it pretty badly, I admit it. I wanted to give it to Jenny because I knew she’d love it. I wanted to take it right up to her sweet little face and shake it. I couldn’t though. Old Dad had her tightly in his arms and was swearing at everybody, even the ambulance men, who came near. When the police came they held my dad down long enough for the ambulance men to wrestle Jenny away from him. Then they put her in the ambulance.

  I sort of knew that Dad thought it was my fault. It was too. He’d sent Jenny to look for me because I was late coming home. I was playing football in the road with some of the other kids from the street. I saw Jenny come out of the house and run down the street. She was running towards me, but she didn’t see me. She thought I was on the other side of the road. I wasn’t even on the other side of the road. For Chrissake, Jenny, look where you’re going. I just stood there and watched her run into the road at exactly the same time as a car drove by. It was a lousy red Ford Escort. It was the first car I’d seen all afternoon. Back then that road was the safest place in the world to play, I swear it. And old Jenny picked that time to run into the road and look for me. If I had come home on time it never would have happened. Really, it wouldn’t have.

  As the ambulance drove away I gave Dad the snow globe. Christ, I can’t wrap up a present to save my life, I swear it. The paper was hanging off all over the place. He looked at it for about a thousand years and then threw it in the road, and it smashed into about a million pieces.

  It’s funny really, but Dad always loved Jenny more than he did me. It’s not funny. He never said it. I just sort of felt it, I suppose. Mind you, old Jenny was so beautiful you just had to love her more. I swear I would love Jenny more if I had two kids and she was one of them. Of course you would. It stands to reason. You just had to love old Jenny more than anyone else in the whole goddamn world or something. You had to rush out and buy her a snow globe as soon as you saw her, for Chrissake. Jenny was like that. You had to buy a snow globe and shake it next to her face because only then could it be nearly as beautiful as she was. Those magical bits of snow glittering all over the goddamn place were the only things that came near to the beauty of Jenny.

  Old Mum tried, bless her. One night, when Jenny was still in the hospital, I came down in the night because I couldn’t sleep or something. Anyway, Mum and Dad were sitting on the sofa and they didn’t know I was there, and everything. I was really quiet, I admit it. I was like Kwai Chang Caine treading on the rice paper. Anyway, I knew they were talking about Jenny, because I heard Mum say, “It wasn’t his fault.” I don’t know. I knew she meant me. I sort of knew then that old Dad blamed me, and everything, and I think I sat down on the stairs and cried for the first time. I think I hated myself along with him.

  You have to hand it to old Mother dear for trying so hard to make him love me. But you can’t, can you? You can’t make someone love his goddamn kid just by pushing him forwards. You can’t just place your kid in front of somebody so they’ll notice him and expect everything to be alright. Christ, she just about shoved me across the carpet after him. Mums are like that, I swear they are. They love you so hard they nearly break you and then they shove you up to Dad, to try and make him love you too. It was real hard for Dad though, what with old Jenny running between us all the time, trying to get onto his knee and succeeding about ninety-nine times out of a hundred.

  Christ! I sure as hell was depressing everyone, sitting beneath the tower like that. I can be right miserable sometimes. I’ll really drag you down with me if you let me. All that stuff about snow globes and Jenny getting run over. Christ! Who wants to hear all that stuff anyway?

  I went back to my room in the Angel Gateway. I sat on my bed and stared out the small window until it was morning. I sure as hell was pretty serious back then, I suppose. I sure as hell didn’t like being cooped up all alone with myself like that. I sure as hell was getting on my own goddamn nerves. I didn’t want to be so serious about life all the time. I sure as hell was sorry that I was the reason old Jenny got run over like that. I sure as hell apologise too much for everything. I sure as hell wish it was me who had been run over and not Jenny that day.

  7

  Listen, I admit that the next day I wasn’t feeling too good. I was shivering all over the place; I’d had a very bad night. So let’s be honest, I wasn’t at my best to be sure. The damn fine twinkle in my eye had gone. But then I saw the robin and I was happy. I’m just telling you that so you know there was a good reason for me doing the thing I did that day. You know, when I did the thing that I wouldn’t normally have done. It was the robin, okay? I admit it. I should have tried to get to sleep, I really should have, but I didn’t. It was because there was a robin on my window ledge. It’s all about the robin, okay? That robin gave me the best and worst day of my life.

  This is what happened that day. That terrible and wonderful day. Like I said before, I was feeling kind of lousy. I felt like I wanted to die, if you really want to know. But then I looked out the window and I swear to God there was a robin sitting on my ledge. God! It took me about a million years to get over it. I felt so damn wonderful all of a sudden. He was just staring through the glass like he knew me or something. It’s crazy, I know, and you had to be there to understand it, but I sort of struck up a conversation with the little feller. I asked him his name and he said it was Robin, and I didn’t know if it really was Robin, or whether he was just pulling my leg on purpose. I just nodded and treated him to a knowing glance, you know, to let him know that I knew what he was doing. He sure was a chirpy little feller though.

  Anyway, he told me he thought that I was like a robin and it knocked me out, what with him being my favourite common garden bird and all. He said that I must make sure that I carried on trying to win Ronnie’s heart. He said that, at the moment, Ronnie probably thought I was just a sparrow, or something ordinary, but that if I kept going, you know, laying down the magic and everything, then one day soon she would see my red breast. I admit I kind of sniggered when he said breast like that, but he told me to get a grip, for crying out loud. Anyway, he said that if I kept it all going then old Ronnie would see that I was different from the rest.

  Mr Robin went on to say that when people first saw me they thought I was just regular, but when they looked for a bit longer they saw my bright red breast. Boy, I was sweating like a bastard when he told me all this. Chirping it all through my window, with the bells of Leicester Church ringing so loudly and clearly in the background somewhere that I could hardly hear him.

  Well, then, I did a real crazy thing I’m not proud of. I threw open the window and poor Mr Robin was forced to fly down to the pavement. I looked down and shouted to him.

  “Clever robin! Remarkable robin! Go and buy the biggest turkey in the shop window and take it straight round to Bob Cratchit’s house.”

  It was all crazy, I know, but I felt marvellous just the same. I began pacing around my room like a maniac. I was rubbing my hands together. I was deep in thought. I decided that from that day on I would try to be a better man and start looking out for Tiny Tim. I wanted Tiny Tim’s welfare to be my concern. I felt a rush of magic sweep through me like fizzy drink at the thought of it all. It was magical. I’d never felt anything like it. My heart was pounding like a bird in a box and I began shouting at my reflection in the mirror. I shouted so damn loud the man in the next room started hammering on the wall. I felt giddy and feverish. I swear I was a little light-headed with excitement.

  What I did next was I put on my best white shirt. I was really out of my head with happiness I can tell you. I charged a
round my room like a maniac. I whistled a merry tune to myself in the mirror and combed my golden hair.

  Well, as soon as I was ready I raced down the stairs and out of the door. I ran through the Angel Gateway to the market. I wanted to see Ronnie pretty badly and tell her about the robin. I saw her from a distance, serving fruit, and the sight hurt my eyes. She looked so damn beautiful. Her skin was so white. She looked like goddamn porcelain or something. She was divine. There was a glow around her, I’m convinced of it. God, she really looked beautiful that day. Just about the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my whole sorry life. I know I was staring at her through my craziness and you have to take that into consideration when you’re summing up, I know, but boy, did Ronnie ever look more beautiful than she did on that day.

  I just sat down on the pavement, opposite the market, and cried for about a million years. I think I shouted up at the sky a few times as well. I told old God that I’d forgiven him about the balloon incident and everything. And I knew he had heard me. I knew because it suddenly started to snow. Just like that, while I was sitting on the pavement staring at Ronnie. I couldn’t believe it at first; the robin, then the snow. I thought that old God was working in my corner for sure that day.

  I moved under a streetlamp to cry a little bit more and then I stopped. I began to imagine that I was inside a snow globe. I was sure that old Ronnie could see me from her stall too. The wind blew crazily all of a sudden, making the snow practically swirl around my head. And I thought that from where old Ronnie was standing it must look like I was standing inside a snow globe. I was a little drunk with the whole idea of love and snow globes back then, I admit it.

  I stayed there under that streetlamp pretty much all day, until old Ronnie had finished work. And then when she headed home, I followed her. I stayed behind her so she couldn’t see me. I had my hands shoved deep inside my pockets like a hard-boiled detective or something. I followed her and after she crossed the road I crossed it too. Then I shouted her name and she stopped.

  She turned around. I was a little disappointed because when Ronnie saw me she sort of froze with horror. It really looked to me, at that moment anyway, that I was perhaps the last person in the world she wanted to see. My heart sank a little, you know, because of the look on her face and everything. Anyway, I carried on regardless. She kept on walking, with her head down, and I had to take my hands out of my pockets to keep up with her. When I finally caught up with her I sort of lingered by her side for a few hours, you know, grinning like a kid, and everything, trying to break the ice between us, I suppose.

  Suddenly she stopped and glared at me.

  “What do you want?” she said. “It’s getting late.”

  Boy, I sure was upset, what with her looking at me as if I was poison or something.

  “Can I take you away from all the madness?” I said.

  I took hold of her hand and then swung it around a little, real playful, like we were kids in the playground or something.

  “No. We’ve been over this all before. What is wrong with you? Can’t you just leave me alone?”

  Ronnie pulled her hand away from me like it was stuck in a bear trap or something. Boy, she sure was sore at me for some reason.

  “I’ve been here all day,” I said.

  I was grinning like a cat. I started nudging her with my shoulder and rolling my eyes something terrible until it hurt.

  “I don’t care how long you’ve been here, please leave me alone.”

  “But the snow,” I said.

  “What about it?”

  “I was dancing in the snow. I was doing it all for you. And then God, in his ultimate wisdom, decided to shake everything up for us. He did it in front of your eyes. It was like a snow globe or something.”

  “What are you on about?”

  “Jenny loves snow globes.”

  “Why do you keep talking about this Jenny?”

  “Why, are you jealous?”

  I sniggered again and put my hand across my mouth.

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Jenny’s my sister,” I said.

  “Why don’t you go and speak to her?”

  “I wish I could.”

  Ronnie was standing so straight she was like a sentry outside Buckingham Palace or something. Her face was white, and tense, and pinched. She looked scared, or concerned, about something.

  “Chill out,” I said, and nudged her some more. “Relax a little, why don’t you?”

  I started waving my hands around. It was some kind of mystic martial arts, that’s all. I was trying to make her feel less tense. She just glared at me.

  “You look so sad,” I said. “Do you know you look like a young Carson McCullers?”

  I was pulling out the big guns, and I knew it.

  “I don’t even know who that is.”

  Ronnie looked at her watch. Then she put her head to one side and I nearly passed out because her hair flopped down onto her shoulder. She had a puzzled look on her face that was adorable.

  “You know. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter?”

  Then Ronnie got up really near to my face. So close, in fact, it scared me a little. She started whispering things, terrible things, and her breath was like white smoke in my eyes.

  “Listen, you fucking little creep, if you don’t stop pestering me I’m going to get Geoff to kick your face in. If I ever see you again I swear I’m going to scream and tell people you’re a rapist, okay? Now fuck off and don’t ever bother me again. You’re a mental case. Please go and crawl under a stone, you repulsive, weird little maggot. You disgust me. Don’t you know that? Every time I see your slimy face it makes me cringe. It’s getting to the point where you’re starting to frighten me again, okay? Now fuck off and don’t ever talk to me again. You’re a freak and a loser and I can’t help you, okay? Now please go away and die.”

  Ronnie said the terrible things with her beautiful mouth and all the time the snow was melting on her tongue.

  Then Ronnie turned and walked away from me. She went into the Angel Gateway and I watched her go. I stayed there for about a hundred years after, or something, talking gibberish to myself, you know, trying to think about what Ronnie had said, trying to digest it all. I was crying and laughing, I admit it. I admit everything. The words die and rapist were going round and round in my head. I kept walking away and returning to the spot where Ronnie had said all those awful things. I was agitated. I started biting my hands real hard.

  Then I heard Ronnie scream.

  I kid you not. Ronnie screamed from inside the Angel Gateway. Then I heard a rough-sounding voice telling her to “shut the fuck up”. He also said it would be “a lot less painful” for her if she let them get on with it.

  The voice terrified me; I wanted to put a hundred miles between me and the Angel Gateway. I loved Ronnie, sure I did, and everybody knew I did, but I still thought about getting away from there just about as fast as I could. I visualised getting back into bed and pulling the covers over my head. I could see pictures of myself doing it, but when I came to the part where I put the blankets over my head I heard Ronnie scream again.

  And I didn’t run away, ladies and gentlemen. God bless me, everyone. I knew I would have done, before the old bang on the head, but on that day I did not. Well. This is what I did next. I put my hands in my pockets, real casual-like, and began sauntering towards the alleyway. I must have looked real tough to the on-lookers, I admit, and also, because I started swaggering a little too, they probably mistook me for a New York gangster. Anyway, keeping up all the swaying business, I went into the dark opening of the Angel Gateway.

  Well, as soon as I got in there, I heard Ronnie crying from somewhere in the shadows. It halted me in my tracks for a second. I also realised how dirty it was in there all of a sudden. The walls were covered with graffiti and swear words, and I decided on the spot that I sure wasn’t ever going to take Jenny in there.

  The light began to improve the longer I was in there, as it alwa
ys does, and when I saw them holding Ronnie down all my courage slipped down onto the wet filthy floor. They had her dress up and I could see her legs, glaring white, and it made me want to be sick. I leant against the wall for a little while to compose myself. There was a leaking pipe, sticking out of the wall, and the bricks below it looked a beautiful red colour. I stood up straight and took some really deep breaths. God, I remember wishing I was my dad. I felt dizzy, and hot, and cold, and scared. I admit I wasn’t your typical hero.

  Then Ronnie screamed real high, suddenly, and my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. I slapped my face hard to work up some colour. My cheeks were stinging, but it worked and, somehow, I felt better. After another huge breath I continued with the swaggering and sauntering towards Ronnie and the naughty men.

  There were two of them, skulking in the shadows. One was black and one was white. I was shaking badly, my breathing was noisy, and the white guy turned and looked at me. It stopped me in my tracks. I took my hands out of my pockets and stared back at him. I smiled and then gave him a friendly wave. He just kept staring back at me for about a million years. It looked like he couldn’t believe I was there. I couldn’t believe I was there. He had a real nasty glint in his eyes. He was unshaven. Then the other naughty man, the black one, turned and looked at me too. They both just stood there watching me for a long time after. Ronnie was looking at me too and because her dress was thrown nearly all the way over her head, I could just about see all her underwear and things. Things that I knew I wasn’t supposed to be seeing.

  “Fuck off,” said the white man.

  He spat it out like phlegm or something. He didn’t look too happy over the fact that I was there.