by Claire Ayres
Entrapped
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By Claire Ayres
Copyright © 2018 Claire Ayres
All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Cover design by CT Cover Creations
Typesetting by Book Polishers
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Jenny, knowing that you now read fills my heart.
This is for you and Jessica, my two favourite girls.
Prologue
6 Months Ago
Jess
Ade comes out of the bedroom with his hair ruffled and Jess catches his eye from her position curled up on the couch. She’s hugging her favourite cushion as though it’s a comfort blanket and she stares at him with wide eyes that beg for him to show his love.
“Are you going to move today, Jessica?” he huffs. She shrugs, pulling her knees into her body in a protective gesture. Ade slams a glass on the counter, shattering it and swears under his breath. As he cleans up the mess, Jess sits and watches him.
When she first met him, the pair seemed to fit like a perfectly snug glove. Ade needed someone to show him love and attention after an awful childhood, and Jess was more than happy to pile that on in lashings. He returned that love by being attentive and caring. They moved in together a little over a year ago, settling into a comfortable routine.
As she watches him now she wonders what went wrong. She has become more withdrawn. As the months have passed, she cries all the time feeling hopeless and desperate. Some days she lacks the motivation to even get up or get dressed. Meanwhile, Ade is becoming more fed up. He will walk into the room, look at her, sigh, then turn around and leave again. His reaction to her makes her feel worse, worthless, disgusting, a piece of rubbish.
After he cleans up the glass he resorts to what has become his normal routine in recent weeks. He picks up his coat and without saying another word to Jess, walks out the front door. The resulting bang reverberating around the walls. Jess jumps at the sound of it slamming shut and stays sitting in a numb silence. She knows he loves her, but he is also fed up with her. Jess’ brain churns over the thoughts she keeps having about how sick she is of herself, so of course he is sick of her. She thinks she doesn’t know how to turn these feelings off. There was a time it crossed her mind that she could be pregnant, that she was having some strange hormonal reaction to a baby. Oh, she had hoped, but it wasn’t to be.
The persistent knock on the front door sees her hesitantly shuffle her feet towards it wishing whoever was on the other side would go away. That person was her best friend Katie, looking like an angel with her glossy long blonde hair hanging loose either side of her slender face, and her boyfriend Jay at her side with that perpetual look of concern that Jess is becoming all too familiar with, pinned to his face underneath a cloaking smile.
“Come on, sweetheart, it’s time to get some help,” Katie says as she slips an arm through Jess and leads her back into the apartment towards the bedroom.
All Jess can do is manage a simple nod as a new wave of tears takes over. Wishing Ade was here with her right now, Jess wants him to hold her hand and hug her like he used to. Instead, Jay takes over, wrapping his arms around Jess as he whispers, “It’s going to be OK, Jess.”
Katie takes Jess’ phone and calls her doctor. Explaining the situation, she secures a rare emergency Saturday appointment. After helping her get dressed in a simple pink jumper and jeans duo Katie bundles Jess into her coat, and the pair of them walk outside followed by Jay. Jess feels like a lamb being led to slaughter, and like that lamb, she is powerless to stop what is about to happen.
As they start to drive off, Jay asks, “Where is that useless boyfriend of yours?”
Jess shrugs and shakes her head. It’s hard finding the words to explain to a friend that your boyfriend never tells you where he is going anymore.
“He’s not useless, I’m so hard to be around,” Jess says instead, defending him. “Ade is a good guy, he has it hard.” She continues to convince herself as much as them. Jay scoffs and Katie responds:
“Jess, you realise Ade should have done this months ago. If he loved you he would have made sure you were looked after instead of letting you get worse. I know you love him, he’s being a shit though.” Jess puts her head in her hands, shaking it, she can’t believe Ade would treat her badly on purpose, not Ade.
They arrive at the doctors and after waiting for what seems like an eternity it is time for Jess’ appointment.
“Hello Jessica, please take a seat. How can I help you today?” The doctor is friendly and a little older than her. She smiles at Jess kindly, offering silent reassurance, and takes a deep breath.
“I haven’t been myself for a while, I’ve felt really demotivated, sad. I’ve been crying a lot, feeling very stressed and anxious,” Jess explains in a burst of words, one tripping over the next. Looking around the doctor’s office nervously she takes in the bed along the wall, the shelf of books, and the various pieces of medical equipment such as the blood pressure machine dotted about the doctor’s desk haphazardly. She finally settles looking out of the window at a tree just the other side and finds the leaves moving in the breeze mildly relaxing in this clinical environment.
“How long has this been going on?” the doctor asks, scribbling some notes on her pad.
“About three months now,” Jess replies, wringing her hands and bouncing her knee uncontrollably.
“What about work?”
“Well, I go, and I keep to myself, I avoid anything social, or getting too involved with people.”
“And what about your sleeping patterns?”
“I don’t really sleep, I stare at the ceiling most nights. When I do sleep I have nightmares.”
“OK, Jessica, it sounds like you’ve got mild depression, you have the classic signs. What do you think?”
“Ummm, that hadn’t crossed my mind if I’m honest. I guess now that you say it, it does make sense.”
“What I would like is to get you some talking therapy. However, the waiting times are long, so, for now, I will prescribe you an anti-depressant. They need about 4-6 weeks to take effect, so don’t give up on them. Okay?”
Jess nods, taking the prescription. Feeling shell-shocked, she walks back to the waiting room. Katie and Jay eagerly await her return. Her friends give her supportive hugs and say all the right things but ultimately though, she realises this is down to her to find a way through. How had she missed that she was living with depression for all this time? No wonder Ade is sick of me, she thinks as she follows her friends back to the car.
Katie and Jay take Jess home and the three of them curl up on the sofa, putting on a movie. Katie has her arm draped around Jess and Jay is stroking her hair, the two friends who are trying to make her feel comforted and well. Ade walks in towards the end of the movie, slamming the front door. He has been drinking and the stench of alcohol is pouring from him.
“Well, isn’t this cosy?” he sneers. All three friends sit up, almost guiltily, in response and Jess automatically tries to iron things out quickly.
“Hi honey, do you want to join us, we were going to put another film on?” she says.
“No, you obviously don’t need me here with your cosy threesome,” Ade sulks in response.
Katie and Jay look at each other, and as
Jess glances back and forth between them, she catches their eyes narrowing, the slight inflections in their mouths that are saying, “time to go or I’m going to lose my shit.” It crushes her knowing they feel this way, that they want to get out of her presence so quickly because of Ade’s temper, then just like that look passes across their faces it is gone and they both stand.
“We need to head out anyway, and you two should talk,” Katie says, giving Jess a pointed look and then glaring at Ade. There is no love lost there. Jess doesn’t know why Katie hates him so much. She misses the time when they were all friends, back when they all started dating. She leans over and gives Jess a kiss on her cheek. Jay follows suit then purposely bumps Ade’s shoulder as he walks past, their history boiling up between them, as he walks out behind Katie. Ade turns, anger flashing across his face and he steps towards the door to follow them. Jess’ body tenses fearful of things devolving into a full-blown fight between these ex-best-friends.
“Ade, honey, leave it. Please?”
He turns, his fists clenched. Why can’t my best friends and my boyfriend get on? is all that Jess can think as she watches Ade try to get a handle on his anger.
“Why was that asshole kissing you?” Ade wastes no time in demanding. Jess sighs: he is impossible when he is in this mood, angry and stubborn. She also hates that he is so jealous of Jay: they used to be best friends until they fell out, now they won’t even look at each other. Jess’ cheeks flush with anger and her voice raises slightly, something she rarely does with Ade.
“That’s what you want to know, why my best friend’s boyfriend, your ex-best friend, gave me a goodbye kiss on the cheek?” she says with sass and frustration.
“You’re not his to kiss,” he states, before kneeling in front of Jess taking her head in his hands and placing his lips on hers, firm and full. This kiss was an ownership claim. There was nothing romantic about this kiss. He moves his hand so he has her chin in his grip, possessing her. He bites her lips between kisses, not little nips but full bites, breaking the skin and drawing blood.
He has not kissed her like this in a long time, she can taste the alcohol on his breath. But he also tastes like Ade, her Ade, the man she has craved attention from. When he draws away he is breathless, Jess is breathless and feels flushed. Her lips are swollen and bruised but she misses him, she misses them, she knows this depression has been a barrier to what they’ve had and she needs to get it back. She reaches her hand to his face and strokes her thumb across his cheek as he leans into it.
“I’ve missed you,” he states, calmer, softer, more loving.
“I miss you too,” and Jess leans in to kiss him again, and she smiles at how responsive he is. He does still love her. Her heart fills knowing that she still has Ade in her corner.
“I need to talk to you,” Jess whispers tentatively. He frowns then comes to sit next to Jess, pulling her onto his lap, like he used to before they grew distant.
“Tell me,” is all he says.
“I went to the doctor.” He squeezes her hand, kisses the corner of her mouth. Jess continues: “She says it’s depression, why I’ve been so off my game, not myself.”
His fingers tense across Jess’ lap and arm where they were previously casually placed. They get so tight she whines and pulls away, feeling the ache of a bruise that has yet to come out. His jaw is clenched, his eyes are tightened to slits. It’s OK though, Jess thinks, she knew this would be a difficult conversation for him, they will work through it together though. She rushes on, needing to reassure him, show him they will be fine.
“I have tablets, they will take a little while to work but then I will be back to myself, it will all be OK.”
Jess squeezes out a smile and runs her hand across his cheek, trying to show him the proof of her words. After a long pause he finally speaks: “What do you mean a little while to work?”
“The doctor said 4-6 weeks,” she responds, stroking his hair.
“Are you having a laugh?” He’s laughing, this is not a funny laugh though, there is absolutely nothing funny about Ade right now from the look on his face to his body language or the way he is touching her. “Jessica, you know what I went through growing up, that I can’t put myself through that again.” He sighs. “I thought this was a passing phase.”
Jess looks at him, holding the tears back in her eyes, determined not to cry. What is he getting at?
“Ade, I’m not your Mum, I’m going to be OK, things will go back to normal,” she pleads.
Ade grew up in an unhappy and abusive home, at the centre of that his Mum had depression. She was also an alcoholic, as a result he doesn’t separate everything very well which is understandable.
“Things won’t be normal, will they? I’ll have another month of all this bullshit? Do you know what it’s been like living with you detached from me for months now?” Jess shrinks back, shaking her head, afraid to speak. “It’s awful and it’s miserable. And sex, well I can swing from the chandelier for that, can’t I?”
Jess gapes, she doesn’t know what to say, he’s getting angrier with every word he utters. He violently shoves her back onto the couch and away from him, no longer wanting her on his lap, and she knows she is collecting more than bruises today. Bouncing on the leather seat as she lands, she automatically grabs for the cushion she has come to use as a protective blanket and clutches it desperately. Something is seriously wrong here and she can’t hold back the big, ugly tears because she doesn’t know what else to do.
“I’ve loved you since day one, Jess, and you couldn’t stay well for me? That’s all I wanted from you - for you to love me back and to stay well and happy. Why was that too hard?”
Jess stares in stunned silence and tries to respond, as he storms around pacing the floor in front of her.
“Ade? Please. Stop. Why do you think I did this on purpose, Ade? Do you think I want to feel like this? I miss you so much and I hate that I’m hurting you, it’s killing me. I would do anything to not be hurting you.” She wishes he could see that. She wishes he could see how much she loves him, how hard this is. He stops pacing, stands right in front of her, his hands clenched into fists, tears in his eyes.
“I can’t be around someone with such negative energy. We’re over, Jessica.”
An unnatural wail is pulled from Jess as she doubles over, struggling to breathe, her heart shattering as his words sink in. He goes to the bedroom and she listens to him opening and closing the cupboards as he packs his belongings. She doesn’t know what to do except sit there and watch as what little remains of her heart walks out the door with the man she loves.
Chapter One
Present Day
Jess
Sitting at her desk in the open plan office which has been her home away from home for the past two years, Jess yawns and hits send on the report she has finished after a day of staring at numbers. Her pink-streaked hair drops in front of her eyes, the pink being a colour she added to her brunette locks after she split up with Ade. She had wanted to cheer herself up and the pink had been her way of physically adding that piece of happiness, then it stuck. She worries that people find it immature and she won’t get a new partner because of it but equally it suits her, and should hair have that much bearing on who she is as a person?
She closes the computer, stretches her neck, rubs her eyes, then stands up and drags her feet to the kitchen to clean her mug. It’s Friday night and Jess is the last person in the office again. Her colleagues are out on the town, having drinks. Jess is far too tired to join them, and being sociable seems far too big an effort, especially when half of them don’t like her.
Jess picks up her bag and jacket, looks around the open plan office checking no computers are still on before switching the lights off and shuffles out of the office into the night. Catching a bus is going to be a nightmare at this time of night, unless she hits lucky, which is unlikely, so she will
have a long wait.
When Jess first applied for this job she had these high hopes about it being a perfect career choice for her. Starting as an Administrator at this well-known marketing agency, she loved the idea of working with creatives and had hoped that she would eventually be trained in marketing so that she could move out of the administrator trap. The only downside was the job was on an industrial estate in Brislington, and she lived in the heart of Bristol. This meant getting the bus at awkward times back into the centre of Bristol, like right now. The other problem was that the opportunity for her to develop her career and become one of the marketers had never raised its head. “Later, Jess,” “It’s not the right time,” “Speak to me in your next review,” - all phrases she had heard over and over again.
Her depression had lifted quite a lot in the past few months. It’s on days like today, though, she feels it pulling her downwards like a lead weight. It’s in her chest choking her and making her believe every breath will be her last. She’s had several days like this recently, lonely, long, sad, and she has ended up feeling as though this thing is sapping all the life from her bones. Jess feels people pulling away from her. They avoid her at work, as though she puts out a different pheromone which warns them to keep clear on days when she is not doing well. She also takes twice as long to do anything at work, which is why she is here waiting for a bus at 10 pm when she should have finished work at 4 pm. It’s why she is not out with her colleagues drinking wine and laughing, having fun. OK, she admits to herself, that isn’t the only reason. She doesn’t socialise with her colleagues because they don’t like having her around too much and if she did go to the pub with them they wouldn’t talk to her anyway. It’s also why Ade left her six months ago, saying he couldn’t be around someone with such negative energy. She tortures herself with that memory daily, to ensure she will never forget how worthless she is and how she will drag everyone down with her.
Jess still misses Ade. No, that’s a lie. She misses having someone to go home to, someone to love her and make her feel good. Ade was good at that and when he kissed and hugged her she knew she wasn’t alone. That’s what she yearns for. She doesn’t miss his moods, and his negative attitude, the way he stormed off when she cried. He never hugged her when she cried, not once. She never realised that until after he had gone. It was as though he was allergic to her tears.
