by Claire Ayres
On days like today, Jess doesn’t know why she keeps going, why she puts one foot in front of the other, why she even gets out of bed, why she continues to breathe. Life is not the barrel of laughs it was sold to her as. It’s hard and painful and nobody seems to care that she is buckling under the pain. Except maybe Katie, she’s a rock; her sister. Jess doesn’t know what she would do without her.
--!--
Fourteen Years Earlier
Her parents were going shopping for Christmas gifts, and Jess was staying at a friend’s house for a sleepover. The next thing she knew there were muffled voices outside the bedroom door talking about a “freak accident” followed by the police taking her to the cold kitchen and explaining how her parents were dead. Jess was only fourteen and her parents were gone forever, her whole world was destroyed, crashing down around her like the loser in a game of Jenga. She had pulled the wrong block and everything was a disaster. She had no other known family, nobody who could take her in and grieve with her, help her feel loved and wanted. So she was taken into the care system, she was alone, completely alone.
They said they had a family who wanted to take her in. The family was in Bristol which would mean moving, leaving Plymouth where she had lived her whole life, where she had always spent time with her family. The social worker helped her pack her things and then drove her to Bristol. She told her things about the family as they drove, but Jess wasn’t listening. Instead she sat staring out of the window thinking about how cruel the world was. Why did she have to lose her family? Why did she have to uproot her life to go and live with strangers?
Underneath the disdain and anger, Jess was terrified. She was being sent to a strange city to live with a strange family. She had nobody to fight her corner anymore, except herself.
When they arrived at the house, a couple who were slightly older than her Mum and Dad had been, opened the door. The man took Jess’ bags and set them down in the hallway. They both looked eager, clutching hands and looking at her expectantly.
“Hello, Jessica, welcome to our home, to your home,” said the mum. “I’m Janet, this is Tom.” Their smiles stretched across their faces keen and excited. They both looked nervous and unsure of themselves even though they were the adults, they were in charge.
“Jess,” she mumbled in response. “I prefer Jess.”
“Jess, it’s very nice to meet…” Tom started to say. Instead he was cut off by the loud clattering of feet down the stairway and a young cheerful voice hollering, “Is she here?”
Jess’ eyes connected with the brown eyes of a girl and a huge smile lit up her face. “I’m Katie,” she said breathlessly. “We’re going to be the very best of friends.”
That was the first time Jess had smiled in weeks. This exuberant girl terrified Jess, but her enthusiasm was infectious. Barrelling into Jess, she threw her arms around her and whispered in her ear,
“I’m sorry about what happened to you, but I will look after you from now on.”
Tears welled up in Jess’ eyes and she wrapped her arms tightly around the small waist. She believed her at that moment: Katie would look after her. It was exactly what she needed and wanted. A guardian angel.
--!--
The bus finally arrives in the city centre and Jess is so grateful. The late summer air is chilly now and being cold was not helping her state of mind at all. As she sits on the bus and watches the world pass by, she sees that there is such a lack of colour everywhere. Has the world always been like this? Is it only me? she thinks before she focuses on her Kindle and another world not filled with the darkness of her own.
Exiting the bus in Bristol City Centre she walks past the fountains and towards the main harbourside. On the opposite side of the river revellers are outside the numerous bars enjoying their Friday night. Crossing Bristol Bridge and walking past the M Shed museum she walks towards her apartment block which sits on the waterfront, perfectly positioned for watching the boats on the river.
Arriving at her building, it seems a little cold and empty. She lives in a new build apartment block situated on the harbourside; her unit is one bedroom with all new mod cons and a sleek finish throughout. When you walk in, it’s to an open plan living and kitchen area; to the left she has a faux fireplace which is wonderful in the winter to curl up in front of with a book. To the right is her bedroom and next to it the en-suite: it really is a breath-taking apartment and the one place she feels relaxed and free.
Opposite the main door are patio doors which open to a balcony overlooking the water. Her perfect morning is sitting with a coffee, a blanket wrapped around her knees and watching the yellow Bristol ferry as they work their way up and down taking people to their destinations along Bristol’s historic harbour front.
As Jess walks up the corridor she hears music coming from the apartment next door, the one which has been empty for well over a year. She honestly thought nobody would ever buy the place, but it seems somebody has finally moved in. She pauses outside and the music emanating from behind the door almost stops her heart.
It is slow and sensual, a deep sound which she feels in the pit of her stomach. She leans against the wall next to the door with her ear against it as she listens to the sound. She turns and slips down the doorframe, not realising tears are falling across her face. The sound is enveloping her, owning her. She has no idea what instrument it is, or the music being played. Jess isn’t a musical person, but this sound though has captured her heart and soul, and she wants more.
She stays there and listens to the music - it is the most erotic thing she has ever heard. Her breathing is laboured and her skin is tingling, tender as though she is about to orgasm. She is surprised that she is wet with need. She doesn’t want this music to stop, not ever: it’s entrapped her soul, taking her somewhere she has no explanation for.
Her fingers entwine around her hair, pink and brown wrapped around the delicate white of her skin, a mere distraction from the feelings boiling within her since she arrived outside this apartment and started listening to this music. Whoever this artist is they could make millions for invoking an orgasm like this.
She stays on the floor caught in the web of the music until it abruptly stops. Then she picks herself up, wipes her eyes and moves to her apartment, trying to catch her breath. She lets herself in and goes straight to the shower - she needs to finish what was started out there. She blushes at the feelings she is having. How has some random music got her this tightly wound?
In the shower, she touches her breasts which are aching with need, gently massaging before moving her hand down to her pussy. She touches herself and almost screams, the need is so strong. She touches her clit and her knees buckle, taking her breath away. Inserting two fingers inside of herself, Jess works her fingers through her wet pussy with her head bowed under the water and her other hand leaning against the tiles propping herself up. She can feel the tension building inside; her whole body is sensitive and it only takes a couple of deep strokes for her to reach a strong orgasm. Jess screams and her muscles spasm. She sits in the bottom of the shower being rained on from above for several minutes shaking and trying to catch her breath, giggling at the intensity of the orgasm she’d had and that she was turned on by random music. “Oh, dear Jess, you must be getting desperate,” she chuckles to herself before exiting the shower and heading to bed.
--!--
For the first time in months, she sleeps the night through: no staring at the ceiling for hours, no nightmares. How does hearing beautiful music do that to you? Jess has no idea, but she wakes up with a glimmer of hope in her heart the next day, a feeling that maybe something will get better. She wants to know what that music was, why it affected her the way it did. How it got into her body the way it did.
She makes herself a coffee and decides to head to the market and grab some food for the weekend. Picking up the phone, she texts Katie.
Jess: You on fo
r the market today?
Katie: Yes, I will come to you first. Can Jay come, he’s bored?
Jess: Sure, is he bringing his famous muffins?
Katie: He says he has just finished a batch especially for you. See you in a bit.
Jess walks to the bedroom to get dressed and her mind drifts back to the music she heard next door last night. A shiver makes its way down her spine as she recalls the way that music touched her. Nothing has ever affected her like that before, it was eerie and magical. Jess decides not to say anything to Katie - she will think Jess has lost her mind, especially if she tells Katie about that orgasm she had...and with that Jess feels the heat rise in her cheeks as she thinks about that orgasm for the hundredth time that morning.
After Ade left, Jess hit rock bottom and Katie and Jay jumped in to save her. They helped her with the practicalities, they packed Ade’s things and took them to him, they arranged the legalities of getting the apartment signed over to Jess. They even stayed with her for a while to help her get through the worst.
One day she will somehow make it up to them, although she has no idea how you make those kinds of things up to people. For now, although she still feels lost, at least she is functioning and feeling more like herself, which is a good start, even if things are still hard from time to time.
There’s a knock at her door when Jess opens it she finds Katie and Jay grinning at her.
“Morning!” Katie beams before jumping into her arms.
“Well aren’t you full of sunshine this morning?” Jess teases as they separate.
Jay holds out a carry tray of muffins and Jess screeches and jumps on the spot. His muffins really are so good and the smell coming from the tray is divine. She makes way for them to come in.
“Are we eating or shopping first?” Jess asks, knowing what she wants the answer to be.
“Food, always food,” answers Jay, kissing the top of her head in a brotherly gesture.
Pouring them both a coffee, Jess grabs some plates and the three friends sit down to eat.
“You seem a bit perkier today, did you get laid?” pipes up Katie.
Katie is on a one-woman mission to find Jess a new man - this has been the case since the day Ade walked out of the apartment. She’s tried setting Jess up on blind dates, normal dates, surprise dates...well, pretty much every type of date you could think of! Jess knows she means well so she tries not to get angry, but she is not into it. At some point, Katie should exhaust her list of single male contacts, which should quieten Jess’ life considerably.
“No, I got home from work at almost 11 last night. I had a good night’s sleep, my first one in...I don’t know...a year?” Jess says cautiously.
“Wow, that’s amazing Jess! Maybe all this hard work you’re putting in is finally paying off. You’re still doing your mindfulness, aren’t you?” Jay asks enthusiastically. He’s become Jess’ personal depression cheerleader, often turning up with printouts on new methods for managing depression. It’s a little tiring sometimes, but she doesn’t complain because he’s enthusiastic and he cares. He also keeps out of her love life, or at least as much as Katie lets him.
“Yes, I am and it’s very helpful. I think maybe everything is starting to come together. I still feel completely hopeless at work though, people avoid me, some won’t talk to me. You guys are literally my only friends, everyone else has packed up and followed Ade into the ether. He wasn’t the only one that thought I was a negative influence, that’s for sure.”
It is true what they say about relationship breakups: people pick sides, and in Jess’ case, they all picked Ade’s. Jay rolls his eyes at her comments, and Katie’s mouth is set in a determined line when she turns her fierce eyes on Jess;
“Stop it! That’s such bullshit and you know it. People are jerks and if they can’t support you when you are sick then screw them, we’ll find you new friends, a new boyfriend and a new job, and you’ll be even happier because of it.” She is so determined in her response that she bangs her mug down with a ferocity that spills coffee over the side and the three of them dissolve into laughter at Katie’s utter determination to solve Jess’ life problems single-handedly.
The group grab their jackets and shopping bags to head to the farmers market. Katie and Jay walk ahead toward the elevators while Jess locks up.
She starts walking along the corridor behind Katie and Jay, and as she looks up there is a man walking up the corridor towards her. She doesn’t recognise him so assumes that he must be the new person from next door. As he gets closer her stomach knots with anticipation: he is beautiful, utterly beautiful. He has short brown hair and an intensely chiselled jaw, he’s tall and well-built, wearing running gear which shows off muscled legs and arms. And those arms which have tattoos, oh my look at those tattoos she thinks, and then he looks her directly in the eyes with his stunning blue eyes.
Jess doesn’t even realise she is smiling until he smiles back, a gorgeous smile with dimples that melt her heart and make her pulse go into double time. Her body is hyper-aware of his and she wants nothing more than to grab him and feel those arms wrapped around her. It takes everything she has not to reach out and take his hand, to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Like the music that came from his apartment, Jess is under his spell; all she wants is to know this man, to kiss him, to hold him...the thoughts catch in her throat and stomach making it hard to breathe.
Everything goes into slow motion as they walk past each other, and she has no choice except to turn her head to look back at him. He has also turned, and their eyes are locked again. It overwhelms her with happiness. Despite everything in her life, all her issues, all her anxieties, Jess really wants to know this man, her body wants to know this man. Should she speak to him? Say hello? Her whole body is screaming at her to not lose this opportunity...but she doesn’t want another messy relationship, and that’s what happens with all relationships, isn’t it? They all end up messy, even ones that start out fun. She smiles at him again and she does try to find the words to speak to him, to break the ice.
“Come on, slowcoach!” hollers Katie up ahead, and Jess does a double take, breaking the magic holding her captive to his gaze. She stumbles over her feet, almost falling, before rushing to catch up with her friends to go shopping, and the decision about the incredibly good-looking man is made for her. As the door closes on the elevator she looks back up the corridor to see him entering his apartment, leaving an ache in her heart.
Chapter Two
Luka
Luka Bartelli drains his bottle of water before depositing it in the bin outside of his apartment building. He looks around while he stretches his run out and smiles. Living here, next to the water, isn’t the worst place in the world to rebuild your life, he thinks to himself. The pace in Bristol, unlike in London, is much more relaxed and Luka has discovered what it means to have time to himself for the first time in years.
He heads to the elevator and as he exits to walk to his apartment he holds the door for a young couple who look happy and playful. It tugs on his heart how long it’s been since he’s felt that way about somebody, and he knows he probably won’t again. That kind of love involves trust, something he doesn’t possess. Pushing forward he reminds himself he has a barbecue he needs to attend and survive.
It only takes a few steps for him to be struck by lightning: he feels his breath catch in his throat and the woman responsible for it fixes his eyes with hers. They are like blue glass and they hold him captive - his body has woken up and is pulled towards her magnetically. Her button nose is begging to be kissed, and that perfect mouth is plump and curious, her hair catching his eye with pink streaks that are just begging to be touched. Luka feels his body needing, wanting, craving.
She holds Luka’s eyes and smiles, and quite unlike Luka, he smiles back at this stunning girl who has set his skin on fire. As they pass, both turned to hold each other’s g
aze. Luka is holding his breath and he is seriously considering talking to her. His rationalisation for an eternal single life starting to dissipate purely from the heated gaze of this one woman. He opens his mouth to speak when the woman from the couple he passed a few moments ago calls out and this beauty turns and runs ahead to catch up and get on the elevator. Luka, frustrated, gently punches the wall, before entering his apartment.
Once inside, Luka heads to the shower where he runs the cold water and takes a few moments to catch his breath. He reminds himself why he’s avoiding women, why it’s a good thing he didn’t speak to her, get her name, her number. He’s still frustrated and on edge about how his body reacted to this woman. It’s been an age since someone has caught his eye like that.
--!--
Luka grabs the food he agreed to take for the barbecue potluck and heads out to his car. Today is the summer barbecue and everyone from the orchestra will be there with their partners and families, to make it more awkward. Luka shivers and reminds himself that these are his new colleagues and he must give them a chance. Driving the short distance to Henry’s house, at least the weather is playing ball.
Henry welcomes Luka with a large grin and wide arms. “Luka, so good to see you!” He’s is a well-established conductor in his fifties and a permanent fixture in the orchestra. A pianist for many years before he started conducting about fifteen years ago, he now leads the orchestra through its paces every day, standing at the helm as the leader. He is a little eccentric, but he is friendly and fair with it - although the rumour mill says not to cross him as his temper is legendary.
