by Claire Ayres
“The photo…pay attention, Jessica.” He pushes her hand so that she looks at it again more closely. The photo isn’t only of Ade: in it, he has his arm wrapped around a woman. Jess. This was not long after they had started seeing each other, before his team was disbanded. Under the photo was a caption.
Bristol’s Star Defenseman Ade Warner with girlfriend Jessica Davis.
“Where did you dig up this from, Ade?”
“You know I’ve got all this stuff at home. This, it wasn’t me.” Then she looks at him, the reality of what he’s saying sinking in.
“You mean someone, out there.” She points to the office, the office she walked through feeling like everyone was staring at her, rightly so because it appears they were.
“Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying, these are everywhere. I’m raging.”
“Fuck, Ade. I need to leave. They knew there was something fishy about you hiring me, that’s why they’ve done this, they dug around until they worked it out.” Jess knows she will be vilified; office gossips are awful. They will rip her apart for working for her ex-boyfriend. Worst that it was the only job she could get. Taking this job was career suicide, for a career already on the ropes. They won’t care what her reasons are. Only that it’s great gossip fodder for them. Her conscience screeches at her for caring what people she barely knows are thinking, but after the way things turned out in her last job she hates the idea of being hated by the people at her new job.
“No, don’t, please ride it out. It won’t be that bad.” Ade looks panicked and desperate, more than Jess feels.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Do you have any idea what office gossips are like?” Jess’ voice raises as the panic sets in, feeling her world melting down around her. She knew taking this job was a mistake on so many levels and it’s escalating. She puts a hand to her chest as her breathing starts to get more rapid and she feels her head get lighter as the panic starts to take hold.
“Are you OK?” Ade asks and Jess shakes her head and Ade comes to her and puts an arm around her shoulder as she sinks into the chair and tries to get her breath.
“Just breathe, Jessica, slowly, in and out. Come on you can do it.” When did he find this compassion? He used to be infuriatingly impatient with panic attacks, now he’s talking her through one? What has happened to him in the past six months? As Jess starts to breathe normally again and comes back into herself, Ade kneels down in front of Jess taking her hands.
“Jessica, I need you here, please don’t leave,” he pleads and again she finds herself agreeing to his request.
“Fine, if things get bad though, I’m gone.” Jess stands and goes to leave before pausing and turning back saying “and thank you, for helping me just now.” The smile on his face is like nothing she has ever seen from Ade in all the years she has known him.
The conflicting feelings, emotions, and moral war going on inside her head lead her to message Katie when she sits down at her desk.
Jess: Are you free for lunch? Really need to talk.
Katie: Yep, same place as last time 1 pm?
Jess: Perfect, see you then.
Jess feels like it’s time to call in the cavalry in on her life. As she looks at her screen she has a private message from Amanda the PA she was speaking to a few days ago.
Amanda: Well you’re a sly dog, meet me in the tea room five minutes
Jess sighs. If she is staying here then she is going to have to face this, and at least it’s not some naked photo they’re passing around... and then she panics and hopes there isn’t some naked photo being passed around that she doesn’t know about.
Jess: OK, see you there.
Jess takes a breath to calm her internally sobbing heart at the utter mess of everything. Gathering the mugs she reluctantly walks across the curious office to the tea room to face the music.
“Morning, Amanda,” Jess said as she walks in. She’s standing her arms crossed below her breasts, pushing them up in a clear power move.
“Hello, Jessica.”
“Please, call me Jess, I much prefer Jess.”
“You were holding out on me the other day.”
“Some things I like to try and forget. I’m sure you can understand that.”
Amanda looks at Jess, clearly gauging how honest she is being, and nods. “Why are you here, then? Seems weird to work for someone you feel like that for.”
“I didn’t know it was him that the job was with, I didn’t even know he worked here. He didn’t when we were together. I needed a job, and this is a pretty good one in the scheme of things.”
Jess stops, having not meant to tell her so much. Amanda smiles and nods before placing a hand on Jess’ shoulder.
“I like you, Jess. You’ve got balls. Working for your ex-boyfriend when he obviously wants to shag you still. No, don’t look at me like that, everyone sees it. Why do you think everyone has been so set on finding out about your history? It’s written all over his face.”
“Erm... thanks, I think…” Jess hesitates. She’s not sure if Amanda was giving her a compliment or not, and is Ade that obvious? Does Jess have a bigger problem than she thought?
“Stand your ground, don’t back down to him because he’s an ex or your boss, especially not because he’s your boss. You could sue him for that shit, you know?” Amanda laughs.
“I’ve got a boyfriend anyway.” Thinking about Luka makes Jess feel warm and safe.
“Oh, yes you do, look at that smile! OK, I have to get back to my desk, can we do lunch?”
“I can’t today, tomorrow?”
“We do a PA lunch on Friday, you should have been invited already so, yes, you come to that. I will send you the details.” Amanda takes her drinks and walks out.
As Jess finishes up their drinks she realises that maybe whoever outed her and Ade’s previous relationship in the office did her a favour after all.
--!--
“What’s with the impromptu lunch?” Katie asks after the women have ordered their food and are sitting at a small table overlooking the river.
“Few life problems I really need you to help me unravel. I think I’m screwing things up with Luka.”
“How? you’ve only been with him, what? Three-Four weeks?” she replies, looking stunned that even Jess could have messed things up so quickly.
Jess takes the time to explain what happened after the concert--Ade’s calls, then the job, how she let Luka down, how she’s not told him most of this, and that he is perceptive and knows something is up and so on.
“Jess, what the bloody hell were you thinking to take a job with Ade?” This is where Katie starts.
“I need to talk about Luka.”
“This is fucking relevant to Luka. Have you any idea what he is going to do if he finds out? How will he feel? Especially because you’ve been fucking lying to him about it.”
“Um, well, I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t find out.”
“Jess, I love you, you know that. You are basically my sister. I’m reminding you of that before I say the next thing I’m going to say.”
“Ummm OK?” Jess looks at her best friend, her sister with fear in her eyes.
“You are being a fucking idiot,” Katie spews, holding none of her feelings back.
“Well…”
“No, I’m not going to pussyfoot around this, Jess. You need to quit that job, now. You need to go to Luka and tell him the fucking truth. And you need to hope that he is feeling forgiving. Then, you need to go to the concert with him tomorrow like you fucking promised you would. I cannot even fathom why you picked Ade over Luka.”
“I didn’t. I picked the job over Luka’s concert because I couldn’t get time off.”
“You could have called in sick. You made a promise before the job came along. Worst of all, Ade is behind the job. Jess, you need to fix this�
�today!” Katie is angry: she is very rarely angry with Jess and it’s really upsetting. She’s normally angry on Jess’ behalf. And with Katie’s anger aimed at her, Jess is finding it really distressing and quite scary.
All she can do is nod, tears falling down her face.
When she gets back to the office, fully intending to quit her job and leave as Katie has told her to, Ade isn’t in his office. Instead, there’s a note on her desk.
Jessica, out at meetings for the rest of the day. I will see you tomorrow. I’ll miss you. Ade.
Shit. OK, tomorrow it is then, she thinks to herself, it briefly crosses her mind to just pack up and leave but she feels an obligation to have the conversation with Ade in person. She makes a promise to herself to speak to Luka as soon as she has spoken to Ade.
--!--
Luka wakes Jess up early on Friday morning, kissing her neck and whispering in her ear. “Pinky, are you awake yet?”
“I am now,” she grumbles, sleepy, and smiling. Her arms snaking around his neck.
He finds his way between her legs so that he is fully above her, his hands start to remove her bedclothes.
“I wanted to make sure we had a proper goodbye,” he says and there is no way Jess is going to complain about that. She is not looking forward to him being away at all. Which is ridiculous, they’ve only been seeing each other a short time, and it’s only for one night.
Reaching down she removes his shorts to release his full, long cock. When she wraps her hand around it he shudders, before placing fingers on her clit and stroking her until her whole body starts to vibrate with an orgasm. She moves down the bed and having massaged Luka’s cock, she works her tongue around the base before licking her way up to the tip. Luka is moaning and has his hands tangled in Jess’ hair as she wraps her lips around the tip and starts to swallow him inch by inch, using her tongue to lubricate and her teeth to send shivers of desire through Luka’s system. As she takes him as deep as possible, using a hand to fumble with his balls, his fists tighten in her hair and he makes an unnatural guttural sound from his throat before coming while she swallows his salty juices.
“Pinky, you’re fucking amazing. Come here.” He pulls her to him and they kiss with her straddled on top of him. Their tongues dancing, her hands are wrapped in his hair and his are on her hips. He strokes up to her breasts making her feel like the sexiest woman alive.
When Jess feels Luka’s erection ready to go again she lifts herself up and, more than ready for him, lowers herself onto it. She feels every inch of him and it sends jolts of electricity through her body as she grinds on him. He pulls himself up to a sitting position, so they are facing each other. There is nothing sensual in this; it’s all lust and need and they both love it. They are wrapped around each other, kissing, holding, belonging. When they come they do it together, they do it loudly and they do it fully; completely a part of each other.
Both spent, he pulls away from her walking towards the bathroom and it dawns on her how much he means to her and how much she doesn’t want to mess this up. She is reminded of her conversation with Katie yesterday and the fact she needs to fix this situation quickly.
“I’m going to miss you, Luka.” Jess calls after him, needing him to know how genuine she is, how much she means these words.
“I’ll miss you, Jess.” He looks so sad and she nods as he walks into the bathroom and closes the door behind him, she hears the shower turn on before she lets a sob out.
--!--
Closing the apartment door behind her, Jess throws her bag on the chair and kicks off her shoes where she is standing. She is so angry with herself; she was a complete idiot and couldn’t do it, she couldn’t quit the job. She kept thinking about how she would have to cope without the money, how she wouldn’t be able to pay her mortgage or buy food and she couldn’t do it. Katie is probably going to kill her, she’s been dodging her calls all day.
Jess has no idea how she will tell Luka. Thinking of Luka, she takes her phone from her bag and sends him a message, he’ll probably be rehearsing but it won’t hurt to say hi.
Jess: Hey, I wanted to say Good Luck tonight, I miss you.
Surprisingly she receives a response almost straight away.
Luka: I miss you too, I wish you were here to brighten my day xxx
Her insides melt, and she goes into the kitchen to prepare dinner with a goofy smile on her face. She has some of Luka’s recordings downloaded so she puts one of those on, and even though it doesn’t have quite the same effect on her as hearing him play in person, knowing it is him playing gives her a special buzz.
She starts prepping for a simple pasta dish, she doesn’t want to go too overboard when she is cooking for one. It is almost seven, so she pours herself a glass of wine. As she puts the bottle back in the fridge there’s a knock on the door.
Hoping it’s not Katie here to read her the riot act, she walks across the room to answer it. Jess opens the door and gasps with shock. Her visitor offers her a big smile while standing on their side of the door with a bottle of wine and takeaway Chinese food.
“I brought your favourite, are you going to let me in?” Ade throws her his innocent as a baby look, hitching his head to the side in the way he seems to do quite a lot these days. Sighing, Jess steps back and lets him in, knowing this is probably another in a long list of decisions involving Ade she will live to regret.
“I’ve got pasta cooking,” Jess points out because frankly, she doesn’t know what else to say to him.
“Just leave it, it’s only pasta.” She knows he’s right. She could eat it cold for lunch or something. She is also almost definitely over thinking this. Oh yes, that’s because the last time he was in this room, he was leaving me and breaking my heart so I’m flipping out a bit. Jess takes a big gulp of her wine to try and calm herself down.
“I like the changes you’ve made to the place, Jessica, it’s much homier here now.” Ade makes his way around the kitchen grabbing plates and utensils, then sets them up on the table, as though he never moved out. He switches the music, erasing Luka from the room in one fell swoop.
“Come on then, Jessica, you don’t want dinner to go cold, do you?”
Topping up her wine and pouring a glass for Ade, she walks to the table.
“What are you doing here, Ade?”
“I overheard you talking to Amanda earlier and you mentioned whatshisname was away and I thought you could do with some company.” He smirks while pouring food onto the plates and disposing of the containers.
“You know it’s really creepy how you do that, don’t you?” Jess frowns at him knitting her eyebrows together.
“Do what?” he says innocently.
“Follow me, listen to conversations. You’re acting like a stalker,” she responds, shuddering a little at the idea she could have let a stalker into her home.
“I don’t see it as creepy, it’s taking my opportunities when they come up,” he points out as though it’s perfectly normal to follow your ex around.
“Ade, I am not an opportunity.” Her tone changes to infuriated, long past regretting this situation.
“No, you’re the love of my life.” His face softens; all joviality is gone, and he looks at her with soft yet serious eyes. Jess looks him in the eye and sees he means what he is saying, or at least he thinks he does.
“That’s a little over the top, isn’t it?” Jess take a big gulp of wine before using her food to hide the blush creeping up her neck.
“Not if it’s true, Jessica. Do you think I would keep making an idiot of myself if I didn’t feel this way?”
He looks her squarely in the face and she doesn’t know what to say because he seems so sincere; but he was also sincere when he broke her heart. She stands up and walks to where he stood on that day seven months ago when he ripped her heart out.
“Do you remember standing right he
re? The words you said to me? On the day I was diagnosed with depression? The day you left me?” Jess looks him in the eye, she needs him to know she has come a long way from the shadow of herself she was that day.
“I do, I remember every word, and I regret them, all of them.” He at least has the humility to look ashamed.
“Why did you do it then, Ade? If what you say is true you ruined both our lives, why?”
He gulps his wine, finishing the whole glass in one, topping it back up. It is obviously hard for him to talk about, Jess doesn’t care about his comfort, he wanted this conversation, so he is going to have to deal with it.
“I was afraid, after what happened with my Mum, I was terrified that I would have to relive it again, years of abuse from you.” He looks at his hands, wringing them together. “I punished you for someone else’s crimes.” He looks at her with tears in his eyes; one escapes, running down his face and it takes all she has not to go to him and wrap her arms around him, to tell him it’s OK, she forgives him. Because she doesn’t forgive him, he can’t be forgiven for what he did.
“Why the change of heart, the following me around?” Jess asks, keeping her voice neutral, determined not to respond to his show of emotion.
“I was only gone a month and I felt like I had broken in half. I couldn’t eat, sleep, I left my job... which is how I ended up with this new one. I ended up diagnosed with depression, mostly due to the fact I was so miserable without you.”
Jess’ mouth dropped with shock before she starts shaking her head. “Hell no, I don’t believe you.”
“It’s true, Jess.” He pulls up his Dr. login on his phone and shows her his repeat prescription request for antidepressants. “I realised that I had been too harsh on you. There I was, trying to cope alone and the only person I wanted near me was the one person I had pushed away. I realised what I had done to you and how unfair it was. I knew I had to try and get you back, but I had no idea how to do that though, especially when I had screwed up so badly.”
Jess couldn’t help herself. Knowing what he had been through, she took her chair and moved it closer to him and took his hand. His story was breaking her heart and she couldn’t act like a piece of stone while he was pouring his heart out to her like this.
