You Were Always Mine

by Nicole Baart

  Gabe was already curled up in her bed, exhausted from playing in the snow and staying up past his bedtime. Jess kissed him, too, then pulled the blankets up to his chin and sat beside him with her laptop on her thighs as she clicked every possible tab on the James Rosenburg Law website. She knew that family law was mostly divorce related, but she couldn’t believe that Evan had been looking into legal action without at least talking to her. He was distracted, not heartless. Besides, the website proclaimed that Rosenburg Law specialized in matters of domestic violence, juvenile delinquency, and child abuse.

  Jess had shut her computer with a quiet click. Child abuse. What was she supposed to do with that?

  Leave it alone. The three words on the back of the business card were unmistakably Evan’s handwriting. Had he left a message for her? Jess just didn’t know. But no matter Evan’s intent, the note didn’t deter her. Jess’s life had always been dedicated to her boys, but they needed her now in a way that she never could have anticipated. She would fight for them.

  Jess slid the laptop onto her bedside stand and curled herself around Gabe, kissing the warm nape of his neck. He didn’t stir, so she held him tight, whispering prayers of protection over the sweet son in her arms and the one down the hall, too.

  Now, surrounded by energetic teenagers and struggling to follow an obsolete lesson plan, Jess realized what her next step had to be. She had to take the keys Deputy Mullen had given her and go through Evan’s town house. It was the last thing she wanted to do, but she knew that the file she sought was most likely hidden there. Or sitting right out in the open. What reason did he have to hide anything in his own home? Surely Evan’s computer was there, too, and though it would be password protected like his phone, Jess felt certain she could crack the code. She just hadn’t been able to muster up the courage until now. Evan’s town house was a graveyard, a monument to their failed relationship, the horrifying truth that she would never have a chance to make everything right again. Jess just couldn’t bring herself to face it until now. Tomorrow, she told herself.

  Today, Jess had another path to take. And it led her straight to Luke Tucker.

  All through the first few periods of the morning, Jess taught with a measure of her focus on Luke. She rehearsed what she would say and how she would say it. His imagined responses were varied and entirely unpredictable. Jess had no idea how Luke saw her. A pathetic middle-aged woman who had just lost her husband? A nonissue? A coworker he respected? Jess doubted very much that the final possibility was true. But by the time she found him in the teachers’ lounge during lunch, it didn’t really matter. She was ready.

  The offices at Auburn High had been redesigned in the last couple of years, and the teachers’ lounge was a haven. Jess didn’t usually frequent the bright, relaxing space, but when she had a reason to darken the door, she was struck by how incongruent the room was with her preconceived ideas of what a public school faculty lounge should look like. There was a plethora of windows and soothing colors on the wall. The tables were all rustic wood in a high, glossy varnish, and the chairs were curved and comfortable. An industrial-sized stainless steel refrigerator hummed in one corner, and several overstuffed armchairs were curled around low, round tables.

  Luke Tucker was ensconced in one of the overstuffed chairs, cupping a mug of what Jess assumed was soup. He dipped his spoon in and blew across the steamy surface as he chatted with Vincent Porter, one of the history teachers.

  “Mind if I join you?” Jess asked, walking over. Her own boldness was a shock, as electric and thrilling as a dare, and she wavered just a little as she claimed the chair opposite them.

  “Of course not!” Luke was the first to speak and he welcomed her warmly, even though his gaze registered something close to shock that the staff loner had deigned to join them. But he smiled just the same.

  “Good to see you,” Vincent said, moving a stack of books that he had apparently dumped in the middle of the table. “It’s been a while, Jessica.”

  What could she say? They all knew why she had been gone, and they could guess why she now avoided her coworkers like the plague. But here she was, sitting across from a pair of them and attempting a self-deprecating smile. “The kids are crazy today,” she said by way of explanation. “I had to escape.”

  This made perfect sense, and the two men sat back laughing. “Tell me about it.” Luke shook his head. “Today is a complete write-off. And why they’re making us come back tomorrow is beyond me. We won’t accomplish a single thing.”

  “You sound like every student who entered my classroom today.” Vincent took a bite of his wrap and a dollop of what looked like ranch dressing oozed out the end and plopped on the paper plate he was holding. Jess was reminded of why she often spent her lunch breaks alone.

  They talked about workload and the upcoming Thanksgiving break with a bit of school gossip thrown in. It seemed the teachers were just as checked out as the students were—no one much wanted to be at Auburn High for the few required hours this week. Jess mostly listened and bided her time.

  When Luke stood up and stretched, Jess casually picked up her own wrappers and mug. “I’m giving a pop quiz,” Luke said with a bit of a glint in his eye. “I’d better go polish my armor.”

  “You’re going to need it!” Vincent laughed. As an afterthought he added, “It was nice to see you, Jessica. I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving.”

  “Thanks,” Jess said, though she had barely said two words since she sat down. She wasn’t much up for conversation. “Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.” Then she took off in the direction that Luke had gone, reaching the sink only seconds after he left it and quickly rinsing her mug. She tossed the wrapper of her granola bar in the garbage can and hurried after her trendy coworker. If another teacher tried to catch her eye, Jess plowed on determinedly, and no one attempted to stop her.

  “Luke!” Jess called. “Wait up.” He was already halfway down the hallway, his long legs making short work of the distance to his room. His classroom in the math and science hall was on the opposite side of the building from Jess’s, so there was really no way for her to casually bump into him alone. She had no choice but to follow him. To make a point of the conversation that she both wanted to have and dreaded. Jess had never been good at confrontation, and by the time she caught up with Luke, she was as winded as if she had run a race. Her heart beat high and fast in her throat and she could feel her cheeks flaming.

  “You okay, Jessica?” His gaze washed over her and he reached out a hand, concerned.

  But Jess took a step back. “I’m fine. I need to talk to you.”

  “Okay,” Luke said. “How about my room?”

  The hallway was mostly empty, the majority of the kids no doubt clustered in the lunchroom or watching the intramural volleyball game championship that was supposed to happen yesterday. It wasn’t a big deal, but there was much hoopla surrounding the event anyway, and Jess was grateful that there were only two kids sitting at the very end of the long hallway. They were cross-legged on the floor, textbooks spread across their laps. They didn’t pay an ounce of attention to Jess and Luke.

  “It won’t take long,” Jess said, straightening her shoulders.

  “Sure.” Luke glanced at the students, then shifted a little so that his back was to them. He crossed his arms over his chest in a motion that seemed wary, and that only added fuel to Jess’s fire.

  “I can’t believe you did that,” she said without preamble. The depth of her own anger surprised her. Her voice trembled just a bit, but Jess found that she was able to do this, to confront someone. And it felt good. “The next time you have a problem with me, you can talk to me about it. Okay?”

  Luke’s eyebrows knit together and his arms seemed to drop from their protective posture of their own accord. One side of his mouth curved up a bit as he said, “Excuse me? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “I know it was you.” Jess barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes. “How dar
e you judge me. You’re not a parent. You don’t know.” The moment the words were out of her mouth, Jessica realized that she didn’t really know anything about Luke Tucker at all. Maybe he was a parent. Suddenly she could picture him with a petite wife, the sort of woman who would wear boho dresses and leggings with sparkly TOMS. Their baby would use only cloth diapers and have long hair that required everyone who met him to wonder if he was a boy or a girl.

  “I’m not sure how my parental status is relevant,” Luke said. No mention of a wife or child. “But I still have no idea what you’re talking about. And I’m not a fan of being accused of something I can’t even defend myself from.”

  He turned on his heel and walked the short distance to his classroom without a backward glance.

  Jess felt a surge of fury. How dare he walk away from her. She rushed after him, but his classroom appeared to be empty. She spun to find Luke standing behind her with his hand on the door. He shut it softly.

  “I thought we might like to continue this conversation in private,” he said. “The last thing we need is to be grist for the school gossip mill.” Luke leaned against the door and stuck his hands in the front pockets of his black jeans. He arched one eyebrow at her, but his expression was warm, inviting. “Can you please explain to me what you’re so upset about?”

  Luke left her off-balance somehow. He was too nice, too understanding in the face of her obvious anger. His kindness took the wind out of her sails almost immediately. Jess sagged a bit, pulling the sleeves of her sweater down over her palms in an act of comfort, of self-defense.

  “You called Meredith,” she said with less vim than only a few moments ago.

  “Meredith who?”

  “Bailey,” Jess said. All at once she saw herself through his eyes. She did indeed look crazy. “Meredith Bailey is Jayden’s mom. She volunteers here sometimes. I thought you knew her. I thought . . .”

  “Hey.” Luke flashed her a grin. “Sounds like a misunderstanding. No worries. What did you think I told Jayden’s mom?”

  “Forget it.” Jess put her face in her hands and took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry. I just made a complete fool of myself, and I think I’m going to slink off into oblivion now.”

  She tried to move past him, but Luke stopped her with a hand on her arm. He touched her lightly, momentarily, and then just as quickly as she registered the weight of his fingers they were gone. “Are you okay?” Luke asked.

  “I’m fine,” Jess said quickly. Too quickly, but Luke didn’t press her.

  “For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry about everything,” he said. “I can’t imagine how hard all of this has been for you.”

  Luke was wearing a tie and Jess found herself staring at the uneven knot because she couldn’t bring herself to look at his face. The tie was crooked a bit, and not quite tight enough. She wanted to reach out and straighten it, pull the dark blue fabric taut and fix the sagging triangle. But that was, of course, utterly ridiculous. She surprised herself by speaking to his chest: “I thought you reported me for leaving my kids at the basketball game. And for picking up Gabe after I’d had a drink.”

  His laugh was rich and unexpected. “Are you kidding me?” he said. “I used to be a lifeguard, and parents would drop their kids off at the pool for hours at a time. I think Gabe was just fine with his big brother for a few minutes.”

  “I thought so too.” Jess looked up and found him staring at her, a smile playing at his lips. “But I had been drinking.”

  “Last I checked, you were a grown-up,” Luke said. “You’re allowed to have an alcoholic beverage.”

  Jess wouldn’t have been surprised if he winked at her. But she didn’t care. She felt validated, normal for the first time in a long time.

  “Look, I’m sorry I teased you. But I swear, I didn’t mean anything by it. And I’m no narc.” Luke tugged at the end of his tie, making it even more lopsided. He pressed his lips together for a moment, thoughtful. “Do you mind if I ask what exactly it is you thought I told her?”

  Jess paused for a moment, but Luke was disconcertingly easy to confide in. “That I was an unfit mother.” The words were off her tongue before Jess could fully consider the consequences.

  Luke stared. “That’s insane.”

  Jess shrugged. “It’s okay. Meredith understands.”

  “No, Jessica. That’s crazy. I can’t believe someone would do that.” Luke pushed away from the door and put his hands on his hips. His eyes had clouded over, his expression hardened.

  “I’ll figure it out,” Jess assured him. “I think I’m making too much of it.”

  Luke quirked an eyebrow at her. “Meredith Bailey is a social worker, isn’t she? I thought she worked for the child advocacy center.”

  “She’s an independent home study provider and adoption facilitator,” Jess said.

  “A mandatory reporter.” Luke nodded. “That’s malicious. To seek out a social worker like that? It’s cold.”

  Jess agreed, and that’s exactly why she had sought Luke out in the first place. “Do you think someone is trying to . . .” She couldn’t finish the thought.

  Luke studied her for a moment, obviously struggling to strike the right balance. He didn’t want to ignite an already incendiary situation, but whoever called Meredith had made a bold move. “I don’t know,” he said eventually. “But I’d want to figure out who reported you and why.”

  “I’m sorry I accused you,” Jess said.

  “I would have done the same thing.”

  The school bell shrieked overhead, announcing the end of lunch and the five-minute window for students to gather their books and make their way to class. Jess winced a little—at the sound or at the implications of yet another unanswered question, she wasn’t sure herself. But she gave Luke a wan smile.

  He seemed to want to say more, but thinking better of it, he reached for the door. Swinging it open for her, he said: “I know this sounds a bit nuts, but let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. I mean it.”

  Jess believed that he did. But she doubted she’d be calling up Luke Tucker anytime soon. “Thanks.”

  “I hope the rest of your day looks up,” he said. “And I hope you figure out who the informant is.”

  Jess laughed, but it was dry and short-lived. “I think I’ve proven my deductive powers are feeble at best.”

  “It’s a pretty serious accusation. I think I’d keep hunting if I were you.”

  Jess lifted a shoulder, hoping to appear nonchalant. But a chill tickled the nape of her neck. Luke didn’t realize the power of his words, the way her skin rippled with something akin to horror at the realization that this was, indeed, a hunt. She just didn’t know if she was the hunter or the hunted.

  * * *

  Lost Mamas Message Board

  A place for birth moms who’ve lost a child through coercion, intimidation, manipulation, or worse. We advocate and fight for one another and VENT.

  THERIVERWILD: HEY, HAVE ANY OF YOU BEEN CONTACTED BY SOME GUY NAMED EVAN CHAMBERLAIN? HE’S A DOCTOR—I LOOKED HIM UP, HE’S LEGIT. HE WAS ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT A GIRL WHO COMMITTED SUICIDE AT EAGLE RIDGE. @VIV87, DO YOU REMEMBER LASHONNA TATE?

  VIV87: @THERIVERWILD U NUTS. I’M NOT TALKING TO NO ONE. HOW DID HE FIND U?

  THERIVERWILD: @VIV87 EAGLE RIDGE FB PAGE. I LEFT A COMMENT ON A PIC.

  VIV87: @THERIVERWILD STALKER.

  MARIAH(NOTCAREY): @VIV87 NOBODY SAID YOU HAD TO TALK. @THERIVERWILD WHAT’S HIS ANGLE? ARE YOU TALKING?

  THERIVERWILD: @MARIAH(NOTCAREY) YEAH, A LITTLE. HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER BABY. SAYS LASHONNA TOLD HIM SHE WAS GOING TO PARENT, BUT THE NEXT THING HE KNEW SHE WAS GONE. I DIDN’T TELL HIM THIS, BUT SHE WAS MESSED UP WHEN SHE CAME BACK. HUNG HERSELF WITH A SHEET.

  LISALYNN: @THERIVERWILD AND THE BABY?

  THERIVERWILD: @LISALYNN INITIUM NOVUM.

  BBG: OF COURSE.

  THERIVERWILD: @BBG SO DO I TELL HIM ABOUT LOST MAMAS?

  BBG: @THERIVERWILD ISN�
��T THAT THE POINT OF ALL THIS? RAISING AWARENESS AND EXPOSING THE CORRUPTION AND FINDING OUR BABIES? HELL YEAH, YOU TELL HIM.

  Elizabeth N.

  33, Caucasian, 6th grade ed.

  Spiked hair, dyed purple at the tips. Active, restless, ADHD?

  Boyfriend knows.

  PROST, 78m, 11m pp

  CHAPTER 21

  “I NEED TO see Dr. Sanderson today.” Jess clutched the telephone to her ear and turned away from her students. She had assigned them ten minutes of silent reading, a story that she had picked almost at random only seconds before they walked through her classroom door. The Story of an Hour, which was an odd choice to say the least. Even as she instructed them to turn to the page in their textbooks where they would find it, she felt a prick of conscience. A dead husband, a grieving wife. Freedom was something she hadn’t considered in any of this. Jess wanted answers. She wanted the truth.

  “I’m sorry, Mrs. Chamberlain, but Dr. Sanderson doesn’t have any available appointments today.”

  Jess could hear another phone line ringing in the background. She had no doubt that the clinic was booked solid today. Overbooked if she knew anything about the way Auburn Family Medicine ran their practice. It was hard for people who cared so much about their patients to turn anyone away. Especially so close to a major holiday.

  “What time does the clinic close tonight?” Jess asked, trying another tactic.

  “There are no appointments scheduled after four forty-five.”

  Of course, Jess knew what that meant: after the backlog of a busy day, the final few appointments that had been scheduled for late afternoon would finally trickle into the examination rooms well after five o’clock. And the clinic staff might make it to their cars by six. If they were lucky.

  “Thank you,” Jess said.

  “Would you like to make an appointment for tomorrow? There are only a couple left.”

  “No thanks.” Jess was already pulling the phone away from her ear. “Happy Thanksgiving,” she said in the last second before she clicked off her phone.