“I love you too Ant. I always have. I was just so scared to tell you how I felt, afraid it would ruin our friendship too,” I whisper back. We both move at the same time, barely brushing each other’s lips at first, enjoying this moment, our moment, the beginning of us.
He cups my face gently in his warm hands, kissing me more firmly and passionately than before. In this moment, nothing else matters. It’s just us. My first kiss is with the only man I ever wanted and will ever want.
He slowly breaks the kiss, making me pout. He chuckles and rests his forehead on mine for a long time, looking into my eyes. We are in our happy place and no one can take this from us. He walks me back to the blanket, helps me lie on it and kisses me passionately again, stroking my hair.
“Never in a million years have I thought that you would feel the same way for me,” he whispers.
“Why not?” I look at him.
“Because I thought you saw me as your big brother. I never imagined you could love me the way I love you.”
“I thought you only saw me as your little sister.” I can’t help but giggle softly.
“Never. I wanted you all to myself since forever.” He grins wide.
“Fucker.” I kiss him softly. “You know I have zero experience compared to those girls you were dating right?” I nibble my lip.
“It doesn’t matter to me if you have zero experience. You are you, my Ayden. We’ll take our time okay? I won’t push you. When you’re ready, you make the decision and I’ll respect it, no matter how long it takes you,” he whispers against my lips. I nod. He slowly starts kissing me again and rolls us over so I’m lying on top of him. We stay like this, getting to each other’s bodies and just enjoying each other’s company for hours. No words need to be shared between us, we both know what we have is forever.
TEACHING ALECK (LAST HANGMAN MC #2)
Aleck
I’m not a good man. Not by a long shot. I’ve used women for sex for as long as I can remember. I’ve been trying to fill the hole in my heart that keeps getting bigger. I’m an asshole and I’m well aware of it. I’m a fuck ’em and leave ’em kind of guy and it won’t change anytime soon. I don’t promise them relationships, ever. I don’t do relationships. I did once, never again, it’s left me empty and damaged.
There’s one girl though. She owns my heart and doesn’t even know it.
Seeing me now, you would never guess I grew up in a rich, posh family. I’m part of a Motorcycle Club and covered in tattoos: my usual clothing attire consists of jeans, sneakers and whatever shirt I can find. The casual outfit from my previous life consisted of: chinos, a white button down shirt and stupid ass shoes, oh don’t forget the blazer. I hated every second of it. You might wonder why I never rebelled considering the position I’m in right now. I’ll tell you why. I was a normal kid, never getting into unnecessary trouble, studying in school and doing normal kids’ stuff but it all changed a couple of years ago.
Our parents have always been very cold towards my sister, Cassie, and I, which meant that our nanny had to basically raise us. Our parents didn’t even love each other. I found that out a couple of years ago. Things weren’t perfect between them, but I had no idea of the extent of the mess that was going on behind closed doors.
We rarely ate or spent any time with them. They would always be out at some sort of party for whatever country club they were a part of. It sucked to grow up in such a cold environment when all you wanted was the love of your parents.
Anthony is the only one who knows my full story, well, it’s not like I had much choice in keeping it from him. Our first meeting was heated to say the least.
July 10th, 2007
I can’t believe my parents didn’t even bother calling for my birthday. I wasn’t exactly expecting much out of them, but fuck, a phone call isn’t that hard. I turned 20 today and I’m spending my birthday on my own. It’s the first I’m spending without Cassie, and fuck, it hurts.
She left us a couple of months ago and it’s not getting any easier, in fact, it’s getting worse each day.
I drive to the cemetery where she is hopefully resting in peace now; a bouquet of lilies, her favorite flowers, rest on the seat next to me.
I park by the entrance and take a couple of deep breaths. It’s fucking heartbreaking coming here every week knowing I’ll never see her ever again. I always hope I’ll wake up from this nightmare, but the minute I wake up, I realize that she’s gone forever. Every time I come here, I’m reminded of the harsh reality and how fucked up my life is. Selfish you say? Yes, I’m very selfish. Cassie was the only person who kept me sane, the only one who loved me. Now, I have no one so I have to be a fucking selfish jerk to protect myself.
I take the flowers and get out of the car, and make my way to my sister’s grave.
As usual, only the bouquet of lilies I left last week gives life to her tombstone.
I replace the withered flowers with the new ones, making sure I position them exactly how she used to, all facing the same way. She loved her flowers. Her garden was her pride and joy.
“I miss you Cas.” I whisper kneeling down, brushing my fingers over her name.
Cassie Alexandria Sanford October 7, 1982 - November 15, 2006.
“I wish you were still here with us. With me.” I sigh. “I’m 20 today. It’s weird not celebrating it with you, it’s the first, and fuck, it’s hard. They didn’t call, not that I was expecting them to but, still, with all that has happened, it would have been nice. I don’t know why I’m still hoping for them to change. I guess I just wanted to fix our family and make things better for all of us, for them to pay attention to what they always neglected. They had two amazing kids and they threw it all away. They aren’t worth me getting myself worked up anymore. Here’s some good-ish news; I finally got an apprenticeship today. I’ll work in a law firm for a couple of months, hopefully it’ll go well and they will offer me a permanent position. I don’t see the point of going through it all, but I have to somehow live my life without you being here. You will always be in my heart and I know you are watching over me, but fuck me, I can’t cope. I’ve tried to pay attention in class and work hard, but I just can’t focus. All I think about is how lonely I am without you in my life, I have no one except a couple of guys I can hang out with from College, but it’s not the same. My life is empty.” I sigh and rub my face.
“I should get going. I will be back next week sis. I love you.” I kiss my fingers and press them over her name, a single tear falling. I walk back to the car, taking the withered flowers with me and throw them in a bin by the gates.
I can’t face going home right now, so I drive to a small bar where I know they’ll serve me. I’ve been coming here for a couple of years now. They don’t care if you are underage as long as you can pay and don’t get them into trouble with the cops.
The Chart Room is a dive bar. I hang out here with a couple of friends, well more like a couple of guys I’m used to drinking with. They are all members of the local motorcycle club called ’The Last Hangman’. Cabe is the President, Anthony the Vice President and Gabe a member. They seem to be decent guys and make for a great distraction, especially lately.
I used to come to the bar once in a while, just wanting a change of scenery and forget how shit my life turned out. Then I started to come every time I visited Cas. Now? It’s nearly a daily occurrence; my grades have been taking a nosedive these past couple of weeks but honestly? I just couldn’t care less anymore.
Mixing drinking with studies and work is not the best idea, but it’s the only way I can cope on a daily basis. Well, that and heroin. I’m able to just take the right amount to make me feel numb enough to make me forget and not go overboard, but it’s getting harder not to take it all, and end this nightmare.
I park in the Chart Room’s parking lot, and take out a small bag from my jeans pocket. Placing a small amount on the back of my hand, I snort it. It’s my second hit of the day, I usually only take one but today I need to
take off the edge.
I feel the effects pretty fast, the rush, the liberation. I feel myself instantly relax, and fuck, does it feel good.
Cas would be disappointed in me, but I need this. I need it to get me through the day. I know it’s cowardly, but I don’t care. It’s the only thing keeping me alive at the moment, and ironically, it slowly destroys me a little bit more every time. I’m well aware of this, but cannot stop.
I collect my thoughts and get out of the car, remembering to lock it and walk towards the entrance of the bar, ready for a night of drinking.
The bar is pretty packed for a Tuesday. A lot of tables are occupied by large groups of younger people, probably celebrating the end of their College life. The rest of the crowd are regulars.
I spot Anthony at the bar with Gabe and join them.
“Hey man what’s up?” Anthony greets me with a man hug.
“Not much, you?” I tap his back and greet Gabe.
“I’m good, what’s up with the long face?”
“Rough day.” I shrug and order myself a whiskey that I down instantly and order a second.
“I can see that, usually you take your time with your drinks.” Anthony looks at me with what I think is a look of concern? I’m not sure.
“As I said, rough day.” I glare at him and take my time with my other glass.
“Ah, come on, it can’t be that bad.” Gabe probes.
“I really don’t want to talk about it.” I sigh and rub my face.
“You know you can talk to us, we’re your friends.” Anthony reassures me, well I had no idea we were, but thanks for letting me know.
“Look, I appreciate it, but I really don’t want to talk about it, I’d like to fucking have a drink and not talk for fuck’s sake.” I down the rest of my glass and order a third. They are getting on my fucking nerves. Usually, I can handle them, but not tonight. I need fucking peace and quiet. I should have just bought a bottle and drank it at home. At least, no one would have bothered me there.
“Easy, we just want to help you bro.”
“No one can help me,” I mutter more to myself, but I know he heard me.
“You don’t know that unless you talk about it.”
“Piss off! What part of I don’t want to talk about it and leave me alone do you not fucking understand?” I roar.
“Calm down bro.” He stands up straight, facing me off. We are both pigheaded and have tempers, which isn’t helping the situation. He might be younger than me, but he’s already taller and broader, and let’s face it, I’ve never been in any kind of fight besides the ones with my parents and those usually ended with them throwing more money at me to shut me up.
“I’ll calm down when you leave me the fuck alone and stop bugging me like a fucking woman!” I near scream at him ready to swing.
“Alright, I just wanted to help but if you just want to wallow in your self-pity and be a fucking Debbie Downer, be my guest.” He says casually, and I lose it. I down my third glass and take a swing at him, not missing, but not connecting as hard as I hoped for. The effects of the alcohol and the heroin combined are not helping my coordination.
Next thing I know, I feel a sharp pain in my jaw and lose balance, falling face first on the ground.
Everything is blurry and I can feel two strong arms lifting me up and dragging me out of the bar.
Maybe this is the answer to all my problems, let them hit and kick until my nightmare ends.
I let them drag me out and hold onto a nearby car, I turn myself to face them again.
“What the fuck is your problem?” A familiar voice bellows, but I can’t make out who it is, my vision is too blurry.
“You don’t want to know.” I chuckle darkly and wait for my vision to focus and take another swing at Anthony and this time it connects. Almost instantly he punches back, busting open my lip.
“We should stop them.” I hear Gabe say.
“No, let them work it out. Looks like he needs to let his anger out,” Cabe says as we continue to fight. He’s getting more hits in than I am, and I’m feeling it. The alcohol combined with the heroin should make me feel numb, but I can feel each blow shatter the last piece of me that is still standing.
I eventually stop fighting and wait for the final blow, but it never comes.
I fall to my knees, breathless, not having the strength to keep myself upright.
After what seems like forever, Anthony walks over to me and extends his hand. I look up and take it. He helps me up, but doesn’t let go of my hand.
“You might not think you need a friend to listen to why you are in such a state and letting whatever it is eat you up, but when you do, I’m here.” He nods at me once and lets go of my hand before walking to his bike and driving away.
I’m left standing by my car in the parking lot, confused and in pain, both physically and mentally.
I stare at the ground for long minutes and get in my car, driving home as safely as I can.
After that night, I stopped doing drugs. I threw what I had left down the toilet and tried to get better. I was done feeling like shit. I needed to get my life back on track. If not for me, for Cas, I owed it to her.
It was difficult, but I knew I was heading down a really dangerous path if I didn’t change. The fight with Anthony made me realize how bad I had let things go.
Showing up to work the next day was fun, needless to say as soon as they saw my busted lip, black eye, bruises all over my face and plastered knuckles, I was fired from the firm before even officially starting. Weirdly, I was okay with it. I never thought I’d make a good lawyer. I never wanted it, but when it came to me picking a career path, my parents didn’t give me the choice, I had to bust my ass to do something I hated for two years.
I took a couple of days, shutting myself off from the world, to focus on myself and get in better shape.
Stopping heroin cold turkey wasn’t easy, but I managed. I also trashed my place in the process, but cleaning up the mess kept me busy.
It took me a couple more days after that to have the balls to call Anthony, but I did and spilled my guts to him, not once did he judge me. He listened to me and weirdly, it felt good to let it all out. It didn’t help with the pain of losing my sister, but it felt like a weight had been lifted and I wasn’t alone anymore. He promised he would never tell anyone and that whenever I needed a friend, I could call him.
It was hard at first, I’ve never had many friends and even then, I couldn’t really call them friends. I ended up calling him again a couple of days later and we started to hang out pretty frequently. He never usually brought me to the compound, but one day Cabe had apparently asked him to bring me there. I was scared shitless, to say the least. I finally had my shit together, I was clean, only drinking the occasional beer with Ant when we were hanging out, but never going overboard. I was in better shape, working out whenever I got the chance. Let’s just say, I didn’t want trouble with them.
I’ll always remember that day…
I follow Ant’s Harley in my truck to the compound. Everybody is staring at me as I walk with Ant inside.
I have no idea what to expect. I’ve never been in a compound. I don’t know how they will treat me or what will happen. I hate to admit it, but I’m shitting my pants.
Ant motions for me to walk in a room where the door is open and Cabe is sitting at the head of the table.
“Sit down son,” Cabe says. I can’t help the mixed feelings I get from him calling me son. I let it go and sit down. I start to get really nervous when Ant closes the door behind me with him still on the other side. Now, I’m not a pussy, but I’m not one to mess with bikers. Even if I tried to beat one up a couple of months ago…
“I don’t know what you’re going through, but obviously, it was bad enough for you to try to pick up a fight with one of us. I know you and Ant have been hanging out a lot, and patched things up.” I nod, not sure what to say to him. “Don’t be so nervous, nothing bad is going to happen.” He
chuckles.
“Well, can’t blame me for being nervous.” I shrug and chuckle nervously.
“True, Ant talked a lot about you, didn’t share your story, but told me it was bad enough for you to put yourself in such a state. Are you clean now?”
“Yes, I am, haven’t touched drugs since that night. Can’t say the same for alcohol though.” I chuckle softly.
“Not blaming you there. As I was saying, I know you’ve been hanging out a lot with Ant and have been quite curious about the MC.” He looks at me very seriously.
“Ah, yes.” There’s something about Cabe, when he looks at you as seriously as he is looking at me right now, that turns your blood to ice.
“Why?”
I sigh and rub my face. “I don’t know how much Ant has told you, but I was brought up in a lifestyle 100% different from yours. No love, no real family but my sister. Sure, we had money, but it doesn’t bring you happiness. Can’t say I wasn’t jealous of the family he has, blood related or not. I wanted to know how the dynamic worked, and maybe how to become a member of said family. I know I’m nothing like your guys out there, but it was worth asking.” I hold his gaze, he knows I’m nervous, but I also want him to see how serious I am about this. Even if I now have my shit together, I could slip back into my old habits at any moment.
“We are indeed one big family, blood related or not, we care about our members and their friends. I’m not sure you would fit in with the lifestyle of the club but if you want to hang around and just spend time here and make friends, you can. Not sure how it would work out for you, but if you feel at home and enjoy it, we can consider making you a prospect.” I’m pretty sure I look totally stupid right at this moment or maybe like a kid who’s been promised the best present ever if he behaves. I stare at him in disbelief and excitement at the promise of maybe getting something that would look like a family.
Forgiving Nancy (Last Hangman MC Series Book 5) Page 27
