Paladin (Graven Gods Book 1)

by Angela Knight

  He doesn’t want me anymore.

  A muscle rolled in Paladin’s jaw. “What Summer deserves is a chance to choose whether to be my host. Twelve years ago, Barbara and I made the decision for her. She never got the chance to say no. Yes, the body I’m in isn’t as talented as she is, but I still have a hell of a lot of power, and I can work with it. As for the rest of the Demimonde, it’s none of their damned business.”

  “But I do want to be your host,” I objected, feeling lost and desperate.

  He turned to look at me over his shoulder. “How do you know? You have no experience of life without me. Most avatars are at least in their mid-twenties when they become hosts. They have a solid sense of identity. You’ve shared your head with me since you were twelve.”

  “Paladin, up until three days ago I thought you were my imaginary friend. I know exactly who I am, and I know who you are. I want to be your host.” My stomach clenched in anxiety, and it was all I could do not to beg. I needed him in my life.

  Which is when it hit me -- I loved him. My feelings had nothing to do with the almost filial attitude avatars usually maintained toward their gods.

  I was in love with him. Had been for a very long time.

  “I’m sure your reasons are noble. There’s a reason we call you Paladin,” Calliope rumbled in the low growl that meant she was seriously pissed. “But the gossip is going to be vicious. Everyone will believe Summer was somehow responsible for your being captured, either through incompetence or cowardice. They’ll think you saw an opportunity to get away from Summer and took it.”

  He gave her a cool glare. “Then I’ll make it clear to everyone that she’s not the one at fault.”

  “And they’ll all believe you’re just being chivalrous and trying to protect her reputation. Which again will make them think there’s something wrong with her.”

  “Look, I never said I wouldn’t work with her,” Paladin said impatiently. “I’d hardly be partners with her if she were cowardly or stupid. Yeah, the Demimonde probably will gossip about us for a while, but when they see how Summer handles herself, they’ll realize just how able she is.”

  Ulf-Mark looked no happier. “Paladin, you need to consider what this will do to Summer’s marriage prospects. Avatars want to marry other avatars so their children will inherit their gods. You know as well as I do, if you’ve got two kids and only one god, there’s going to be really ugly friction in the family.” Which was the reason avatar families rarely had more than two children. Demi family dynamics could get seriously fucked up.

  Now that I’d recovered my memory, I suddenly understood what had driven my aunt’s decision to leave Graven. My grandfather had been an avatar, but my grandmother had not, so there’d been no god for Mary to inherit. Though she was older, Paladin had picked my mother to inhabit.

  Mary had loved Mom, but she’d also felt inferior because Paladin had not chosen her. That was why my aunt had left Graven and moved to Charlotte, fallen in love with Bob, and left the Demimonde. Until she’d had to take me in, and found herself raising an Avatar. What was worse, Paladin ordered her to keep me in the dark, just like Jennifer Stone. She’d had to spend my childhood lying to me.

  Suddenly I understood just how rejected Mary must have felt.

  Shit.

  “The marriage issue is not going to be a problem,” Paladin said flatly. “And again, it’s none of their business.” His tone implied it was none of Ulf-Mark’s either.

  “Maybe not, but I was her father’s god, and it is mine.” He shot Paladin a glare. “You know I love Summer…”

  Oh, God, here it comes.

  “Her bloodlines are excellent, and she’s got talent and guts,” Ulf-Mark continued. “But if you decide not to go back to her, I’ll be unable to give my blessing to a union between her and Mark. I’ve seen what happens to families with two kids and one god, and it’s not pretty. Mark wants two children, and your choice means he’s going to have to marry someone other than Summer to get them.”

  I stared at the back of his head, feeling my eyes sting. “You don’t think I’m good enough for Mark?”

  “Of course you’re good enough,” Paladin snapped, glaring at his old friend. “But for the record, that invitation of Mark’s to take her to dinner? The date’s off.”

  That’s right, Mark had asked me out just before the shit hit the fan.

  “You’re not the one he asked out,” I said, with what dignity I could muster.

  “Uhhhhhh,” Mark said. I knew it was him because his voice went up. I also knew he wanted to rescind the invitation, but was too much of a gentleman to do it.

  “Don’t worry about it, Mark,” I said, pulling my shoulders straight as my cheeks went hot. “I don’t really like Olivier’s that much anyway.” Which was a blatant lie, but the best excuse I could come up with at the moment.

  “Assholes,” Calliope muttered, and turned to give my chin a butting stroke with her head by way of comfort. “They’re both idiots. Ignore them.” She said it loud enough to make sure they heard her.

  I cuddled her warm, furry body, and turned to look out the window at the passing city, blinking my stinging eyes hard.

  A hostile silence fell over the car and lasted the rest of the way home.

  We pulled into the driveway, and I got out, Calliope leaping to the ground ahead of me. She gave way grudgingly as Ulf-Mark slid out and moved around to meet me.

  To my surprise, he pulled my stiff body into his arms for a hug. “I do love you, child. And I am sorry. We both owe you a great debt.” He pulled back to give me a searching look. “If you’d like my help finding another god, I have connections in other cities. You’d make someone a fine avatar.”

  “But you still don’t want Mark dating me,” I said a little bitterly.

  He winced. “Once you’re an avatar again, the two of you would make a wonderful match. Your bloodlines are impeccable, and you’re a wonderful woman. I’ve always seen you as my own child. But I have a responsibility to Mark and his children…”

  I forced a smile. “I understand, Ulf. And I love you too.”

  Paladin had moved around the car and was standing at my shoulder, glowering. “If she wants another god, I’ll find her one.”

  Ulf-Mark growled a low curse. “I have no idea what you’re thinking, Paladin, but you need to pull your head out of your ass. Thank you for saving my life, but if you hurt this child, I’ll make you regret it.”

  “Damn it, Ulf, you’re the one who just hurt her!”

  He made no answer, just sliding back into the car and closing the door hard enough to communicate his temper with its heavy metal thump. We stepped back as he threw the Mustang in reverse and pulled out. His tires didn’t squeal, but they did chirp a little.

  “That prick isn’t good enough for you anyway,” Paladin growled. I wasn’t sure whether he was talking about Ulf or Mark or both of them, but he was definitely pissed off at somebody.

  But then, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with him either.

  “Let’s get inside,” Calliope said, trotting toward the garage door. “I’d rather not entertain the neighbors.”

  I followed her, trying to ignore the way Paladin followed in that sensual stalk.

  No sooner had we stepped inside than a big hand wrapped around my wrist, and he pulled me around. And I was in his arms. His mouth covered mine in a kiss that was hot and wet and possessive. For a heartbeat, I stood stiff, resistant. His hands cradled my face, thumbs stroking my cheeks in a silent plea for understanding. I was suddenly acutely aware of his size and strength against me, the hard rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, the bunch of working muscles and tendons in his forearms as he stroked me. For once, he wasn’t hard.

  Not at first, anyway. He hardened as we stood there, and I felt the length and thickness of his cock against my belly. His lips suckled mine, his teeth catching my lower lip to give it a gentle tug. “I love you,” he whispered against my mouth, the sound ragged. “I need you.”
>
  Elder gods help me, but I could resist anything except Paladin’s need.

  And he did need me. It was there in the way he held my face, the stroke and swirl of his tongue. So familiar, and yet… not. Each seductive gesture was a little too fast, a little too clumsy, nothing at all like his usual smooth skill.

  Something was wrong with Paladin. I had an ugly feeling I knew what it was. It was there in the dark, boiling magic that surrounded him, in the glow of his power tattoos.

  I remembered all those little stones he took to be cleansed, each one an acolyte of Valak’s, a repository for their evil. He’d just taken on a hundred of them, not to mention the dark god’s polluted magic.

  What was it doing to him?

  Knowing it was a really bad idea, I melted against him anyway.

  Despite my common sense, my justified anger, even my instinct for self-preservation, I had to give him what he needed.

  Especially if what he needed was me.

  He jolted back and swore. I jumped back and followed his gaze down to Calliope, who sat at our feet, ears laid flat. She gripped his shin, which she had apparently just laid open with her claws.

  “Damn it, cat!” Paladin snapped. “What was that for?

  “You’re being a complete pig,” she snapped back. “Summer saved your life, and you’re humiliating her!”

  “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Ulf. This isn’t your business.”

  “The hell it’s not! If you think I’m going to stand back and let you treat her like a piece of ass, you don’t know me very well.”

  Her fierce support gave me a warm feeling, but I also knew this was a situation I needed to handle myself. “Cal, we need to discuss this in private.”

  “He’s just going to bulldoze over you like the dominant son of a bitch he is. I’m damned if I’m going to stand back and…”

  “Calliope, please.” My eyes stung. I swiped a hand over them.

  The cat’s tail dipped, and her flattened ears came up. “Baby…”

  “Cal, let me talk to her alone. I swear I’m not going to make her do anything she doesn’t want to do.” The anger had leached out of his voice. He sounded strained, stretched to exhaustion.

  “Fine,” Calliope growled. “But I swear, if you hurt her, I’m going to shred you into barbecue hash.” She turned and stalked out.

  We looked at one another. The center of my chest ached and my face felt cold. “Paladin, what’s going on?”

  He raked a hand through his hair and turned away to pace. As I’d thought, it wasn’t really seduction he had in mind. He just needed a distraction. He’d hoped to find it in my body, but a fight would also do. His laugh sounded ragged. “It seems I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.”

  “You’ve taken in too much evil magic.” My heart sank. Damn it, I hated being right.

  “That’s why I didn’t come back to you. Part of the reason. You don’t want me in your head right now. Quite frankly, I’d rather not be in my head right now. It’s like bathing in raw sewage. Those men -- the things they did, the people they hurt… You have no idea how fucking bad it is. What it feels like…”

  He paced faster, the long restless strides of a man who had to move or explode. “And that’s just the mortals. Valak… thousands of years of evil… I knew it would be bad, but I had no choice. Once it started, I had to burn them all out or he would’ve killed me and you, and then gone right on killing.” Paladin sighed heavily. “It’s bad enough that I’ve got to deal with this. It would destroy you.”

  “Why can’t you offload them into stones? Get them out of your head? Iva-Diane could cleanse the magic in the way she did with the last batch.”

  “Elder gods, if it was that easy I’d already be in the library doing it. There are too many of them, Summer. You can do it with individuals, but there’s no way to tease them apart and store them.” He braced his hands on his hips and looked at the ceiling. “And that doesn’t even count Valak.”

  I stared at him, a chill rolling over my skin as I realized where he was going with this. “You’re afraid it’s going to drive you insane.”

  He made a choked sound that definitely wasn’t a laugh. “I’m trying to keep it together, but I didn’t realize it would be this bad.”

  “But I don’t understand. Zanos-James, the other avatars, they fight these assholes too. Don’t they go through this?”

  He shook his head. “It’s different for them. I’m a god of Justice, which means I must judge them. It’s part of what I am, the core of what my people made me. I touch their minds in a way the others don’t have to. As a result, I get the full force of the evil that the men I judge committed over their lives. Maybe I could have handled Valak, if it hadn’t been for them. But all of them, at once? It’s…” He shook his head, his big hands coiling into fists of frustration, anguish on his face.

  I watched helplessly as he ping-ponged from wall to wall, back and forth, back and forth, his fisted hands shaking.

  Licking my lips, I tried to think of something. “What about my mother? She must’ve gone through this too.”

  “Yes, but we had Eris then. That damned sword made all the difference.”

  I remembered how she’d sneered at me, accusing me of being weak. Maybe she’d been right. “How? What could Eris do?”

  “She’s a goddess of birth and death.” He shot me a look out of eyes that scared the hell out of me. Paladin, normally so cool and strong, was slowly coming apart at the seams. “She could filter the magic, purify it and return it to us as pure power. I could judge offenders without the worst of the effects.” He shook his head, shoulders rounding. “But after your mother died, that was it. She was done helping me.”

  “Then we just need to change her mind. You can’t go on like this.” I bared my teeth. “That metal bitch is just going to have to get over it.”

  Paladin laughed, but there was absolutely no humor in it. “You don’t know her very well. I’ve fought with Eris about one thing and another for thousands of years, and I’ve never been able to change her mind once it’s made up.” He turned and headed for the door. “Look, I need to find a fight or get drunk or do something before I lose my mind. I’ll see you later.”

  I stiffened in alarm. “Wait, I’ll go with you.”

  He just kept going. “Frankly, I don’t want you in the blast zone. Don’t worry, all the Valakans are dead. I’m not likely to get in that much trouble.”

  “But what about the poor humans you run into?”

  “They’ll be fine.” Before I could get another word out of my mouth, he was out the door and gone.

  And I didn’t believe him. The humans wouldn’t be fine. Neither would he. He’d lost it. Otherwise he’d never take that sort of risk with other people’s lives. I stared at the closed door. I knew I had to do something. I also knew what that something was.

  As my stomach coiled into a knot, I headed for the wine cellar.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I’ve fought with Eris about one thing and another for thousands of years, Paladin had told me, and I’ve never been able to change her mind once it’s made up.

  Maybe not, but I wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

  I licked my lips, staring at the golden coil of the tiger’s tail that made up Eris’ basket hilt. I was going to have to reach in there and draw her, and I dreaded it as if that tail was red hot.

  “What the hell are you doing?” a voice demanded behind me.

  “Shit!” I jerked around.

  Calliope standing in the doorway, her tail lashing, her eyes blazing blue and narrow. “You’re not seriously planning to draw that bitch blade, are you?”

  “You scared the hell out of me.”

  “That’s nothing compared to what Eris is going to do. Do not draw that weapon.”

  I sighed and rubbed the center of my chest where a cold ache had taken up residence. “I’ve got to, Cal. Paladin’s losing it. He took in too much evil tonight. He’s not going to be ab
le to process it without Eris’s help.”

  “He’s got a better chance of surviving that than you do of convincing that bitch god. She meant it when she told you to stay away. She’ll hurt you. Badly. She’s the kind who’s never wrong, and you’re not going to change her mind.”

  “Maybe. Or maybe I can make her see reason. Either way, I’ve got to try.” My voice dropped as I admitted my worst fear. “I’m afraid he’s going insane.”

  The cat winced and sat, coiling her tail over her paws. “Yeah, I was afraid of this when he killed Valak and his asshat boy band. Processing all that darkness, feeling the viciousness of those men, of that goddamn dark god… maybe Zanos-James could’ve gotten away with it, but a god of justice? He gets too up close and personal with the bastards he judges.”

  “Do you think Eris would be able to filter it for him?”

  Calliope sighed and settled down on her belly. “Quite frankly I have no idea. But even if she couldn’t eliminate all of it, maybe she could drain off enough, he could deal with the rest.” She flicked an ear. “Then again, maybe not. It’s a crap shoot.”

  “It would still give him better odds than he’s got right now.” I turned and looked at the sword again, flexing my hand in anticipation of closing it around that golden hilt.

  This was going to hurt like hell.

  Calliope’s voice dropped, quiet and dead serious. “Summer, she may kill you. Paladin would not want you to throw your life away on this.”

  “It’s not throwing my life away if it works. All I have to do is convince her I’m worthy.” I forced a grin. “Any idea how I could snow her?”

  Calliope’s tail lashed in outrage. “Damn it, you are worthy. I don’t care what that old bitch says. A weak woman wouldn’t even contemplate something like this.”

  I snorted. “This has less to do with strength than crazed desperation.” My voice dropped. “I’m in love with him, Calliope. I can’t let him suffer without doing something, or I’ll end up as crazy as he is.”

  Calliope surged to her feet again. “Let me try it. Maybe I can talk her into…” Her tail dropped. “Oh hell, I’d have to draw the sword to wake her…”