Falling to Pieces

by Leddy Harper

  “Aubrey?”

  “No. I didn’t go to school. I finished high school, and started a new adventure with the love of my life. And I have not one ounce of regret about that, so please, don’t question it.”

  Her answer cut me open, reached inside, and pulled out my heart before running it through a grinder. Seeing her wedding ring on her finger didn’t even come close to gutting me the way her admission did…hearing her mention the “love of her life.” That was supposed to be me, dammit!

  Before I could reply, she had her door open, stepping out of the truck.

  “Can I see you again?” I asked, hopeful and probably partially delirious.

  “No, Axel. That’s not a good idea. I think we’ve managed to get out everything that we needed to, and there’s nothing more for us to talk about. It would only complicate things, and I can’t risk anything muddling the life I’ve built.”

  I nodded, understanding. “All right. I get it. I wish you all the best, Bree. If anyone deserves a happily ever after, it’s you.”

  “You deserve one, too, Axel. I don’t know what happened to you after you left, but hopefully now that you have some answers and closure, you can move on and find your own happiness.”

  With a smile, she closed the door and then walked to her car parked across the lot. I waited until she started the engine and backed up before I pulled out and left. During my drive home, I couldn’t stop the questions that slammed into me. All the things I’d wanted to ask about, but didn’t think to. I wanted to hear about her dad and how that relationship worked for her. I wanted to ask if she’d made any friends, if she’d found any peers that she could trust. I wanted to know everything that had happened to her in the last six and a half years, but I’d lost my chance. She didn’t want to see me again, and I’m sure after knowing about my spot by the lake, she wouldn’t show back up there again. I didn’t have her phone number, or any contact information. My only chance of getting the answers would be if we ran into each other again. And since we’d lived in the same town for six months, never really running into one another, I didn’t know when or if that would ever happen.

  Intense emotions hit me once I fell into my bed. And they carried into my subconscious as I drifted off, sleep finally taking over. A familiar dream settled in, one I’d had countless times before, so vivid and real as if it’d really happened in that moment. It was of Aubrey’s hands roaming across my bare chest. My lips on hers. Her voice telling me how much she loved me, and my whispers of love in return. Her need pouring from her in waves, and my inability to turn her down. Then, I fisted her hair in my hands. Her nails dug into my back. The hottest heat I’d ever felt consumed me, rooted within me, filling me up until I couldn’t take it anymore. But like every time before, the second just before giving in, I woke up. Fuzzy images filled me with euphoria right before reality slapped me in the face.

  As my eyes opened, the ache in my chest festered. Heavy regret pressed down on my ribcage, threatening to stop the beating of my heart. Remorse suffocated me, stealing the breath from my lungs. All because of the love I had for Bree. There was no denying it. I couldn’t pretend it never existed, or even convince myself that it wasn’t real. I couldn’t hide from it or make the ache go away. It was genuine and raw, powerful and unrelenting. Haunting. But I had to let it go. I had to learn to live with this hole in my chest, this deep ache in my gut, and the overwhelming emptiness inside. I had to learn to move on, like she had.

  I had to learn to live again.

  I had to learn to love again.

  And I had to do that alone.

  There’d been so many times in the past when I thought I’d seen Bree in public, so as I turned the corner in the grocery store the following Sunday, I had to take a double glance at the woman in front of me. I’d been let down so many times before when it’d turn out to be someone else. However, this time, I kept waiting for the let down, for the realization that it wasn’t her…yet it never came.

  Mere feet from me stood Bree, reading the back of a condiment bottle. We’d spent six months in the same town, never meeting face to face, but after finally speaking, after we’d finally acknowledged each other, it seemed fate had intervened. Fate had brought her back to me again. I had to take that as a sign.

  “Do you even know how to pronounce some of the ingredients on that label?” I asked as I came up behind her, nearly whispering into her ear.

  She shuddered, froze, and then placed the salad dressing bottle back in the empty spot on the shelf. She turned to face me, squaring her shoulders as if to gather her courage to face me. “No. And I don’t really care to try. I was just hoping you wouldn’t see me and would keep walking.” She didn’t allow me a chance to become offended before the corners of her lips turned up.

  “Oh, it’s like that now? We can’t be friendly and say hello when we see each other?” I teased back. “Listen, I know this is awkward and weird. I mean, we had a relationship, a real relationship, and then we’ve both spent years apart without an ounce of closure. But I don’t want to avoid you in public. I don’t want to turn the other way if I happen to find myself in the same aisle as you.”

  Her shoulders relaxed as she focused on the floor. “I don’t know how to act around you, Axel. I don’t know what you want me to say. We got everything out the other day. Why do we have to keep talking?” She held onto her shopping basket as if it protected her…the way I should have.

  I glanced at the silver band on her finger and waited for her to turn her attention back to me. “Before we realized our feelings for each other, we were friends. Talking was never hard for us.”

  “You want to be friends?”

  “I want something, Bree. I know I can’t have you the way I did before, and that we can’t have that kind of relationship again…but I want something. Something to prove that what we did share wasn’t imaginary.” I wanted to smack myself for sounding so weak, so pussy-whipped. But in reality, that’s what I was.

  “I don’t think that’s a very good idea. We’ve proved that we can’t be just friends. We know all too well how destructive we are together.”

  “That’s a lie, and you know it. We were never destructive together.”

  “Okay, maybe you’re right. But that doesn’t change how being together nearly destroyed us both. I don’t know about you, but I can’t handle another disaster like that.” She lowered the basket, dropping it at her side. “I don’t know what you expect, Axel.”

  I mentally chastised myself. What did I think she’d say? She was married, which meant I had no business in her life at all. She had a point, and even though I didn’t want to give in, I had no choice but to concede. “I get it. But knowing you’re here, seeing you out and about, makes me feel like my right arm has been cut off and dangled in front of my face.”

  She licked her lips and met my eyes with her sad gaze. “I know the feeling. Which only makes it harder to talk to you and play nice. Sometimes, the best thing to do is the same thing that hurts the most.”

  Heavy emotion clogged my throat. I wanted to ask her so many things, but my time was up. Our moment had passed, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I had to suck it up, pull on my big-boy pants, and accept the consequences of my actions, regardless of the regret I’d held over them.

  I nodded once to her, and without a word, turned and walked away with my tail tucked tightly between my legs. The only thing that helped me remain calm was an overwhelming feeling that Fate was not done with us quite yet.

  That evening, I received a phone call from the school I’d been subbing at. They had a teacher that suffered a heart attack and was hospitalized, and they needed a long-term substitute with the possibility of permanency. I accepted without hesitation.

  I walked into the classroom feeling lighter, better, knowing this would be the new start I needed. And the students didn’t let me down. Teaching kindergarten wasn’t the easiest, and I knew a lot of teachers that refused to take on the challenge. I also
had a lot of teachers ask me why I’d chosen primary education. I could never tell them the real reason, only that I loved kids and wanted to point them in the right direction as early as possible. It was believable, and partially the truth. I’m sure there’d be complaints had I admitted that teaching five-year-olds protected me from falling in love with a student, losing my job, and becoming an alcoholic…again. So I decided to keep that to myself.

  All in all, the kids were good, very well behaved. They responded well to having a new teacher, and listened to the directions I gave without having to be reminded too many times. I’d substituted other kindergarten classes before, and sometimes had to repeat myself a lot. But not with this group of kids. It only served to fuel the positive attitude I’d taken on after my conversation with Bree in the grocery store.

  I was in the midst of gathering my belongings to head home when the door to my room opened. One of the ladies from the office walked in, holding the hand of a little girl from my class. “Mr. Taylor, do you mind waiting with Ayla? Her mother didn’t come to pick her up. We’ve called her, and she’s on her way. But the office is closed and I’m the last one left. I’ve waited as long as I can. She should be here soon.”

  I glanced down at the little towhead and winked. “Of course. I’ll walk with her to the front of the school and wait for her. I’m sure she’ll come there first.” I grabbed my briefcase off my desk and headed out the door with Ayla at my side.

  She reached out and held my hand, startling me.

  “Don’t be scared. I’m sure there’s a good reason why she hasn’t come yet. She’ll be here any minute.” We walked to the end of the hall, right in front of the main doors, and took a seat on the floor.

  She sat across the hall from me, her back against the wall, and I mirrored her position so that we faced each other. I had my legs out in front of me, and she did the same. It was only my first day in the class, and it takes longer than that to know all twenty kids, but Ayla stuck out to me from the beginning. She was a very smart girl, kept to herself, and finished all her work without needing to be asked twice. Normally, it’s the kids you have to constantly get after that leave a lasting impression on you, and not always a positive one…but with Ayla, just her calm temperament and quiet voice were enough to make me remember her.

  Looking at her, I noticed her blond, nearly white curls that seemed almost too big for her face. She wore a barrette that pulled them back and showed off her eyes. They were the clear color of the Caribbean ocean, aqua almost. The most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen. I couldn’t even begin to tell her heritage, though. Her skin tone was light, but not porcelain; it had a slightly darker shade. She had maybe ten freckles dusted across the bridge of her nose. There was no arguing that she was a cute kid. I didn’t envy her parents at all, knowing they’d have to chase the boys away from her when she got older.

  Ever since Bree, I had a hard time not taking mental notes when it came to my students. I’d find myself studying their skin, checking for bruises or warning signs of abuse—more so than any normal teacher. And especially now that I taught younger children, I felt the need to watch out for them even more. I hated how Aubrey’s mother had gotten away with it for so long, and I never wanted anyone to ever have to go through that. I also had grown a lot and matured since Bree. I knew the steps I needed to follow if I ever came across another case of abuse again.

  “Does this happen a lot? How often does your mommy forget to pick you up?” I asked in a calm, curious tone, hoping to gain her trust enough for her to open up to me. No matter how old they were, I always spoke to my students as if conversing with an adult. I never babied the younger ones by using a cooing tone with them. But I knew that when gaining the trust of a young child, sometimes you needed to be more on their level. Give them comfort, and they give you their trust.

  Ayla shook her head. “Papa usually picks me up on Mondays. He takes me for ice cream. He says it’s our day. He’s never forgotten before.”

  I assumed she must’ve been talking about her dad. From what I’d seen, joint custody could be a bitch. Every time I encountered a situation like this, where the parents are at odds and the child ends up in the middle, forgotten at school, it makes me thankful for the parents I had and the upbringing they gave me and my sister.

  “I’m sure there’s a good reason for it. Maybe he’ll make it up to you next week. Who knows, you might get two scoops of ice cream next Monday.” I watched her impish grin take over her face, lighting up her every feature.

  “And double gummy bears!”

  I couldn’t hold in my laugh at her enthusiasm. “Yes. I’m sure he’ll let you have double gummy bears.” I crossed my ankles and noticed her do the same, mimicking me. “Do you prefer to go by Ayla, or McKayla? Or do you have another name you like better?”

  “Mommy calls me Ayla. Papa calls me Buttercup. But you can call me whatever you want. Just don’t say my whole name, because that means I’m in trouble,” she whispered with her hands cupping her mouth, as if telling me a secret.

  “Do you get in trouble a lot?”

  “No. Not really. Mommy sometimes uses it when I don’t eat all of my carrots. But I don’t like them. So I wrap them in my napkin and throw them in the trash can. That’s when she says my whole name.”

  Somehow, I no longer questioned her safety at home, and found myself enjoying our conversation. “Don’t worry, I don’t like carrots, either. The only way I can eat them is if they’re not cooked and smothered in ranch salad dressing.”

  “I like that, too!” she exclaimed with wide, expressive eyes that made them shine. “But Mommy doesn’t let me pour the dressing. She says I use too much. But she never gives me enough.”

  “Oh, yeah? Does she use your whole name when you pour it yourself?”

  Ayla giggled, which caused her eyes to squint. “Not the whole thing. She just says, ‘McKayla Bailey! You better eat it all!’ But sometimes my tummy hurts if I have too much. She doesn’t make me eat it all. She just tells me that’s why I can’t do it myself and kisses my head.”

  “You sound like you have a good mom.” The thought made me smile.

  “She’s the best. And she’s beautiful like me, too.” Her cheeks turned red just before burying her face in her hands as if she’d embarrassed herself.

  The words on the tip of my tongue were halted with the sound of the door opening. I glanced to my right, expecting to see Ayla’s mom, when my heart ceased to beat in my chest. The air literally stolen from my lungs. And I felt as if I’d been sucker-punched by Muhammad Ali himself.

  “Mommy!” Ayla yelled from in front of me, jumping off the floor and running to the woman at the door. That’s when my world spun, the ground opened up and swallowed me whole.

  Nothing made sense.

  Aubrey was Ayla’s mom?

  I couldn’t move from my spot on the floor, knowing even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to hold myself up and I’d fall over. Our gaze only disconnected when Ayla launched herself into Bree’s arms, but her eyes quickly found mine again.

  “What are you doing here, Axel?” she asked me hesitantly, keeping her distance.

  “I’m subbing here. Ayla’s teacher is in the hospital, and they don’t know if she’ll make a full recovery. I’m filling in for her class.” My words were slow and heavy as I tried to calm down and quit croaking my words out.

  Her chest heaved frantically as she set Ayla back down. Panic seemed to overtake her as her hands shook and her eyes darted along the empty hallway. “We need to go.” She shook her head, exhaled, and mumbled to herself, “I can’t freaking believe this.”

  Finally finding my strength, I pulled myself up to my feet with the help of the wall behind me. “Is there something wrong, Bree? Some reason why you didn’t want me to know you have a kid?” I asked, needing even the slightest bit of clarity.

  “I can’t do this with you right now.”

  I moved to stand directly in front of her, putting myself between her and Ayl
a. With a low tone, I asked, “Who’s her father?”

  “A kid from high school. It doesn’t matter.”

  “Is that who forgot to pick her up today?”

  We stood practically nose to nose, so the moment the tears coated her eyes, I noticed. I took a step back and studied her carefully, unsure where the emotion had come from.

  “I’m sorry if I upset you, but I don’t like—”

  “It’s none of your concern, Axel!” she yelled, just before her sob stole her voice. “It has nothing to do with you. You don’t need to know anything about our life.”

  I didn’t want to back down, but hearing Ayla quietly ask her mother if she was okay stopped me from fighting back. She was too small and too innocent to be stuck between the animosity Bree and I seemed to have with one another. But I couldn’t simply let it go. I followed them out to the parking lot and waited until Bree belted Ayla into her seat in the back and closed the door.

  I shuffled to the side and blocked Bree from getting in the car. She wrapped her light sweater around herself and set her sights beyond me, refusing to meet my eyes.

  “You told me the other day that you were happy. That everything was good for you. So why did you break down the moment I asked about her father? Why are you crying? And why are you so damn hell-bent on fighting with me?”

  She tilted her head back, searched the clouds for answers like she always used to do, and then she closed her eyes and filled her lungs, as if she held onto her patience by a thread. Returning her attention to me, she wiped away a tear and then crossed her arms. “It’s so like you to assume that everything I do revolves around you. My dad was supposed to pick her up today. He picks her up every Monday because it’s his day off work, and he’s set it aside for her. I had no idea anything was wrong until I got the call from the school, letting me know my child hadn’t been picked up. I just found out that my dad is in the hospital, fighting for his life after getting into a car accident on his way here to pick Ayla up. So excuse me if I’m upset. Pardon my tears. And get your head out of your ass for once. It’s not all about you.”