Falling to Pieces

by Leddy Harper

  “Was she trying to kill herself?” Tracii asked, coming to the same conclusion I had.

  “No. She was drunk and doesn’t really remember it.”

  “Oh…a drinker. That’s not good for you, Axel.”

  “She’s not a drinker. It was her sister’s bachelorette party. But that’s completely beside the point, Tracii. I can’t expect everyone in my life to never drink again. That’s ridiculous. Can we just stick to the story here?” I asked, watching her lips twitch with a smile she tried to keep hidden.

  I told her everything after that: having Ayla in my class, finding out her mom was Bree, our moment in the hospital, and our moment back at her house. Tracii had a few choice words about Bree’s reaction in the bedroom, but after a pointed stare from me, she stopped and let me continue with my story. She half-listened to me explain Aubrey’s surprise apology, and our decision to work things out. I could tell she had an opinion on it, but kept it to herself. In order to put off the inevitable confession of why I’d shown up in her driveway unexpected, I stalled by telling her of our conversations that weekend over the phone and the table I’d picked up that morning.

  “So at what point are you going to tell me that the kid is yours?” she asked after slamming the oven door closed and turning to me with her hand on her hip. “I’m not an idiot, Axel. The girl is yours, just tell me.”

  My head fell forward as I took in a cleansing breath, hoping to calm my nerves. “Yes. Ayla is my…daughter.” I glanced back up, catching the rarely seen sympathetic gleam in her eyes.

  “And let me guess…you’re mad at Bree for not telling you?”

  “Wouldn’t you be?” I sat up straight, suddenly feeling the need to be defensive.

  Tracii bent her head to the side, cracking her neck. That meant what she had to say wouldn’t be nice or pretty. “Did you expect her to wake up on your couch after nearly dying and say, ‘Thank you for saving my life, Axel. Oh, and by the way, we have a kid together’?”

  “No. But she’s had so many more opportunities since then.”

  “So many? You just told me it’s only been a week. And you described a handful of interactions.”

  “You’re supposed to be on my side, Tracii,” I said, my anger beginning to grow, only this time, my sister being the target. “I’ve had a kid for the last five years and never knew about her.”

  “Maybe if you hadn’t run away like a coward, then you might’ve known a little bit sooner. And then you wouldn’t have gone this long thinking the worst of the person you claim to love. And you wouldn’t have become an alcoholic. Stop blaming others, Axel. I understand that shit happens, and what happened between you two is some nasty shit…but take some freaking responsibility.”

  “What happened to the sister that hated Bree a few years ago?”

  “I’m not saying Bree is innocent, and she is right in not telling you about the kid over the last week. But she’s not here to defend herself. You are. And years ago…all I had to go on was you telling me how she stabbed you in the back. I had to watch my brother fall apart over a girl. Of course I wasn’t going to like her. But now I know the truth, and it’s kind of hard to defend you against that.”

  “That doesn’t change the fact that I asked her who the father was and she never told me the truth. She led me to believe she fucked some random kid in school after I left.”

  Tracii looked around the room behind me. “Can you please watch your language?” She settled against the counter and crossed her arms. “How many times did you ask? And where were you when you did this?”

  I knew my answer wouldn’t sway her opinion. She’d only agree with Bree again. But I had to be honest with her if I expected her to help me overcome this. “When she came to pick Ayla up from school and I found out about her. That was the first time. And the other time was at her house after we came home from the hospital. Up until then, I thought she was married, so I thought her husband was the father. But when I found out there was no husband, I again asked who the father was. And again, she lied to me.”

  “All right…” She took in a deep breath, preparing for one of her famous lectures. “The first time you asked, you can’t be pissed that she didn’t tell you. I’m sure she was just as surprised seeing you with the little girl, as you were about her being a mom. Don’t throw stones, Axel. Now the second time, yes, she could’ve told you. That would’ve been a good time to drop the ball. However, I’m sure she was also emotionally spent after the ordeal with her own dad. Pretend to be her for a moment. Think about how scary it would be for you to tell the person you supposedly love that your child is theirs. Oh, and said child is five…not a baby.”

  “Crap,” I groaned, pressing my forehead to the counter. “Why must you always be right?” And why must I not believe it until my sister says the same things I’ve already heard?

  “It’s a curse…really.”

  I glanced up and raised a brow at her.

  “Okay, so you have a lot to think about. I take it you want to be in the kid’s life?” she asked and waited for me to nod. “That’s good. If not, I’d have to kick your ass.”

  “Watch your language,” I reprimanded her the way she had done to me.

  “It’s my house. I can say whatever I want. But I’m going to give you a bit of advice. I don’t know anything about this woman other than what you’ve told me. But I don’t think it’s best for you two to be in a relationship together at this point. You had some sort of heavy relationship years ago, and you both fell in love, hard and fast. But a lot has happened to you both since then. I’m not saying it wasn’t real, or that you can’t have that again. But listen to me, Axel, you both need time to heal first. After what went down between you two, you both took separate roads to get you guys to this point. Ride it out. Don’t go jumping medians to get to each other. If you’re meant to be…you’ll be.”

  I dropped my hands to the counter, feeling on the verge of giving up. Her words meant so much, and I understood what she meant, but it wasn’t that easy anymore. “I have a kid with her, Trace. What do I do about that?”

  “That’s a dumb question, Axe. Take care of her. Be a dad to her. Don’t just jump in, though. I’m sure you’ll confuse the crap outta the little kid if you walk into class and tell her to start calling you ‘Daddy.’ Go slow. With her and her mother. This girl has been doing everything on her own since day one. Don’t bombard her with your help, or you’ll just make her back off even more. And if you want to ever have a relationship with her, I suggest you don’t push her away. If I know you, then I can only guess you read her the riot act. Am I right?”

  I rolled my eyes, questioning why I’d even gone to her in the first place. “I was pissed, Tracii. What did you think I’d do? It’s like she’s been lying to me ever since I found her again. She let me think she was married, she—”

  “Oh my God, Axel.” She threw her hands up in the air dramatically. “So she wore a freaking wedding band. Do you know how many girls do that to fend off guys? It’s the oldest trick in the book. Did you ask her if she was married? Did you ask her anything about her husband? Or did you see the ring and make assumptions?”

  “It’s a wedding band! On her left ring finger! Anyone would assume the same thing!” I yelled, exhausted already from this argument. “But no, I didn’t ask. I didn’t think I needed to.”

  “That’s your fault for assuming. It’s her fault for not setting your assumptions straight. Do you see what I mean now? Neither one of you is ready for this relationship.”

  “I don’t even think I want a relationship with her anymore. I understand that she never broke my trust like I once thought. And I can understand why she kept Ayla from me. But that doesn’t change what happened. Sometimes in life, things are hard to admit, we don’t always have the best timing to tell someone something important, but that doesn’t excuse not doing it. The fact that I’m Ayla’s father doesn’t change depending on what’s going on in her life at the moment.”

  Tracii
’s eyes softened and her head tilted to the side. “I understand, Axel. Really, I do. I get your pain and your anger. I know you’re feeling betrayed by the only person you’ve ever loved that much. I can also understand where she’s coming from, without ever meeting the girl. We’re talking about a kid here, and the decisions made about that can’t be taken lightly. Bree has a daughter to worry about now. She has another life to protect. Maybe she was only waiting until she knew she could trust you again.”

  “Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. Because I can’t trust her.”

  “I really wish I could just smack the both of you.” She shook her head with a smile on her face. “Give her time to settle down…I’m sure she’s up in arms right now after your wrath came down on her. Don’t call her or go after her. Let her come to you. And when she does, listen to her. Don’t argue or raise your voice, don’t escalate the situation any more than it already is. Just listen. Hear her out and put yourself in her shoes. You can’t expect her to understand where you’re coming from if you can’t offer her the same in return.”

  I stared across the counter at my sister, into the eyes that were exactly like mine. People say twins are connected for life, and sometimes I didn’t believe that. But in moments like these, when it felt like she was the only one who really knew me, I couldn’t deny that connection. God could come to me Himself and tell me something, but for some reason, it wouldn’t click in my brain until my sister repeated the same words.

  “Okay, fine. I get it. I came down a little hard on her.”

  “And you had the right to, Axel. I couldn’t even begin to understand what that must’ve been like for you to find out you have a kid, with the love of your life, and never knew it. But she also had the right to keep her daughter to herself for a little bit longer. I’m sure you showing up out of nowhere was just as intense for her as it was for you.”

  “Do you really think she’s the love of my life?”

  “You’re the only one that can answer that, brother bear. All I know is…everyone and their mother tried to separate you two. You’ve had the weight of the world stacked against you both since the very beginning. Yet here you are, living in the same town, both parents to the same little girl. I don’t know of a bigger, brighter arrow than that.”

  “Do you think we can overcome this?”

  “Overcome what? The massive amounts of miscommunication between you both? Sounds like you’re already wading through it, finding out the truth behind it all. And it’s only been a week.”

  “What do you think Mom and Dad will say?”

  She laughed and gave me a sympathetic smile. “They’re totally gonna kick your ass. You told them you never slept with her. Kinda hard to explain that one now, huh?”

  “Yeah…” I ran my hands through my hair, feeling completely deflated.

  “Any way she’s not yours?”

  Her question caused my head to snap up, and I glared at her. “Maybe. I don’t know. I have zero doubt, if that’s what you’re asking. But I didn’t ask for a paternity test or anything. She doesn’t exactly look just like me, but if you take me and Bree, smash us together and shrink it…you have Ayla. Her skin is a little lighter than mine, but a little darker than Bree’s. Her eyes are bluish-green, like if you’d mix my color with hers. I mean, she’s such an even mix that without looking, you wouldn’t be able to tell who she belongs to. But if you pick her features apart, you can clearly see where they come from. And I swear, she has some of my mannerisms that I thought was odd when I saw them, but never thought to question it.”

  “Like what?”

  “We were sitting in the hall one day, and she had her legs crossed like me. I thought she was just mimicking me, but now that I look back, I doubt she even knew what she was doing.”

  “I’m going to ask a very personal question, and I only want the straight answer. No details. Got it?” she asked, and I nodded even though I knew what she was going to say. “Did you wrap it up with her?”

  “Yes. I swear it. That’s the reason why I never really thought Ayla was mine. I mean, I know condoms aren’t foolproof, but I at least assumed I would’ve known if there was an issue with it.”

  “I said no details. But thanks,” she said sarcastically, turning her back to me so she could start cleaning the dishes she had used for prepping dinner. “But keep in mind, Axel, all it takes is one tiny hole in the rubber to make it ineffective.”

  I knew she’d gone to the sink to keep her back to me for this conversation, which I was totally fine with. I didn’t necessarily want to look her in the eye while talking about sex, either. “But wouldn’t I know? I mean, I certainly didn’t stab my condoms with a pin.”

  “No…and I would hope you wouldn’t do that. But if you carried them in your wallet, imagine all the things that could’ve poked it. Not to mention, they do expire. Maybe it was old and you didn’t know. Maybe while putting it on, it got snagged on your zipper or something.” She spun around with wide eyes. “Okay, enough talking about this. All you need to know is that there are plenty of reasons why it could’ve failed. You slept with her—probably not the best idea given she was a minor and your student—and now you have to live with the consequences of what happened. And what happened after that was she got pregnant and had to raise the kid for the last five years all on her own. And you can’t fault her for not confessing that to you the second you popped back up in her life. Now…are you staying for dinner or not?”

  Tracii had a special way of making it known when she was done with a conversation. It wasn’t always subtle. In fact, it was rarely subtle. But despite her borderline rude attitude, she was genuinely a good person. And that was why I ended up at her house when I was too lost to know where to go.

  For the remainder of the week, I struggled with my emotions. I’d be fine, going about my day like normal, and then get an urge to call Bree. I didn’t know what I wanted to tell her, or why I even wanted to call, but I’d literally have to make myself do something else to keep my fingers from dialing her number.

  Ayla had come to class every day, clearly oblivious to our connection. I didn’t even have to ask to know that her mother hadn’t told her anything about me. And that only made me want to reach out more, asking Bree if she had given it any thought at all. I wanted to believe that she had, and that her decision would be in my favor, but I couldn’t help the worry that possessed me at the thought of her keeping Ayla from me.

  By Friday, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. But instead of calling Bree, knowing that wouldn’t end well, I decided to call my parents. They lived four hours away, so I couldn’t very well just stop in and talk to them face to face. A phone call was my only option.

  My mom answered the phone, giving me her usual update on life and the happenings around them, but once she finished filling me in, I asked that she get Dad on the phone, as well. That’s when she turned quiet, and I knew she could tell something big was about to happen.

  “I just want to start off by saying I’m fine. My job is going good and no one is dying,” I said after my dad picked up the line, hoping to calm some of their worry. “But I do have some big news I wanted to share with you guys, and I don’t know how you’re going to take it. Bree—the student from years ago that I had the relationship with—lives here. Before you say anything, I had no idea before I moved here. In fact, we’ve been living in the same town for six months, and we never realized it until two weeks ago.”

  “Just spit it out, Axel,” my dad said harshly, not one to deal with stalling.

  “Well, we ran into each other, and it turns out I’m subbing for her daughter’s class. I didn’t know she had a daughter until then.” I paused, finding my courage to continue with what I had to say. “I know I told you guys that we were never intimate, but I was too scared to tell you the truth.”

  Silence filled my ear.

  “I found out that she’s also my daughter. Bree and I have a child together,” I said through a tight throat, nearly choking on m
y words.

  “So you slept with a student? Your student?” my mom asked angrily.

  “It wasn’t like that. We shared a connection…a life-altering connection. We were only intimate one time, at the very end. And it was real, for both of us. It’s not like we snuck around all the time or that I took advantage of her. It was a very personal moment for us both.”

  “A very personal moment that probably destroyed the poor girl’s life. A very personal moment that nearly destroyed your life. Or have you already forgotten that? Have you already forgotten that your moment of weakness, and her betrayal, caused you to lose your job with the high school? That it caused you to drown yourself in bottle after bottle of alcohol?”

  Luckily, my dad interrupted and urged my mom to calm down. He didn’t speak into the phone, but I could hear his even mumble through the line, and knew what he’d done. He’d given me a moment to compose myself, and offered my mom a chance to breathe properly.

  “No, Mom. I didn’t destroy her life. As strange as it sounds, it actually played a really big part in saving her life. It got her away from her mother, and back into her father’s life. She’s very different now than she was back then. And she says it’s because of Ayla.”

  “Ayla? That’s her name?” My mom’s voice sounded broken, heavy with emotion at the mention of her granddaughter’s name. “Is she a Taylor?”

  “Her name is McKayla, but no, she’s not a Taylor. Bree didn’t give her my last name out of fear I’d get in trouble. But I’m working on that. If I have my way, she will be a Taylor.”

  “You gonna do right by her, son?” my dad asked, finally speaking up, the emotion in his voice just as heavy as my mom’s.

  “If you’re asking if I’ll take care of my daughter, the answer is an infallible yes. But if you’re wondering about the future of Bree and me, I can’t give you that answer. It’s only been a couple of weeks since we’ve been back in each other’s lives, and it’s been really rocky. I don’t know where her head is at, and I don’t want to push her.”