Something Had to Give

by Trish D.

  Spring came, which signaled the beginning of track season. When the announcement was made over the PA system about tryouts, I instantly felt like it was something I didn’t want to do. Just the thought brought back so many memories of the good times I had with Jackie. I had gone the year not having to answer any questions about her death, but I was sure they topic would come up somehow during tryouts. Shanna felt as though I was over thinking things. I knew she had a point and that there was a good chance that I was creating scenarios in my head that probably wouldn’t happen. Still, I didn’t want to take that chance. It was a horrible experience in my life that I never wanted to talk about again. In the days leading up to the tryouts I decided that I wouldn’t try out even if it meant disappointing Derrick and my family. The only thing that changed my mind was remembering the promise I made to Jackie’s parents. There wasn’t really a way for them to know, but I knew I would still feel guilty for breaking my promise.

  Tryouts for the high school team had a completely different feel from middle school. During middle school tryouts, people laughed and goofed off. We had fun. The high school crowd was completely different. They were all business. The no nonsense environment did little to help my nerves and I once again found myself not wanting to try out. I wanted to run as far away as possible, but I didn’t. I stayed and ended up working with an amazing hurdles coach. Coach Franks worked one on one with me to improve my form, which without a doubt, was key to me getting a spot on the team. She helped remind me of why I loved the sport. After Jackie’s death, I had convinced myself that I no longer wanted to be a track coach, but I once again found myself changing my mind. The “strictly business” approach to the track season turned out to be better than I expected. It turned out to be a wonderful season of growth and development. Jackie’s parents and brothers had come to several of the meets and joined my family as we celebrated making it to state competitions. I didn’t expect for them to actually come out to see me run. I figured it would be too hard for them. They were just as supportive of me as my family and I was glad I had kept my promise.

  The end of track season was followed by the end of the school year. It was hard to believe how fast the year had flown by. By the time I finished my last day of school, Shanna had been home for a few weeks from her first year of college. Her time home was short since she would be working at an internship in South Carolina with other students. She seemed really different when she came home. It was different in a good way though, as if she had really matured during the time she was gone. It felt like I was like living with three adults instead of two. We spent a lot of time together during the few weeks she was home and I found myself feeling somewhat down when it was time for her to leave. Our family trip to Detroit wasn’t until August and boredom set in within days of school being out. I decided that I should get a job. Daddy didn’t seem to really like the idea. He felt like I should enjoy the summer time off, but Mommy was fully behind it. I was appreciative of her supporting my decision, but I knew it was only because she was tired of me complaining of being bored all day.

  It was a Saturday evening that I started my job at Gordin’s Café, a sandwich and ice cream place in the mall food court. There weren’t many places that hired at 15 years old, so my options were limited. The manager, Tim, required that I learn and memorize the menu before I could start. I studied the menu for hours and learned it down pact, but when it came time to start my first shift I couldn’t remember anything. Tim started me on an evening shift that wasn’t too busy. Ms. Geraldine, who was retired and worked at the café part time to keep from getting bored at home, trained me. She was a sweet older lady, who had the patience of a saint. She reminded me a lot of grandma by the way she took the time to explain things to me and then tell me that I was doing a good job. I never thought that scooping ice cream and operating the cash register would be so tiring but I left there exhausted. Derrick and Shanna had called to see how the first day went, but I was too tired to go into detail. They both assured me that it would get easier and I sure hoped so since I had to go back the next day after church. As much as I wanted something to do to keep busy and to have my own money, I felt like I had made a mistake. I wished I had listened to Daddy.

  Derrick and Shanna were right. By my third week, I was used to standing on my feet for hours and had caught on to the fast pace of the job. Tim allowed me to work as many hours that was legally allowed for my age. When I got my first paycheck and saw three numbers before the decimal I wanted to do back flips out the mall. After blowing my first paycheck on clothes and accessories that I didn’t need, Daddy insisted that I open a savings account and start putting some money away. I was annoyed to say the least. I didn’t understand why at 15 I had to save money. I sat in the car fuming all the way to the bank and when he told the bank associate that I would be putting all but $50 in the account I literally thought I felt smoke come out of my ears. There was nothing I could do to change his mind, but I was furious that he felt he had the right to tell me what to do with my money.

  “Why the sour face?” Daddy asked as we left the bank and headed home.

  “I may as well quit if you are going to control how I spend my money.” I answered as my eyes filled with tears of frustration. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so angry with him.

  Daddy chuckled before responding. “Well that’s your choice. I know it seems unfair now, but one day you will thank me for teaching you good money habits. If you keep just blowing money, it will become a bad habit that will be hard to break when you are older. Trust me!”

  Deep down I knew he was probably right, but I was still mad. It felt good to have my own money and to be able to walk in the store and buy what I wanted without having to ask my parents to buy it for me. Besides, I didn’t remember him making Shanna open a stupid savings account or controlling what she bought. Even worse, Daddy had to be with me to withdraw money so there was no sneaking off to the bank to pull money out. Of course I was bluffing about quitting the café, but there had to be some way to get around this $50 for the two weeks. Two weeks later I was shocked when I had $30 out of $50 left and it was time to get paid again. I had been working so much that I really didn’t have time to shop. Most of the time, I was more than ready to get away from the mall after my shift. When I left the bank I couldn’t help but smile at my balance after making another deposit. I was too proud to tell Daddy that he was right, but of course he already knew and I was sure my smile said it all.

  ∞∞∞

  I worked that summer until it was time for our trip to Detroit. I took a few days off before and the break from working was nice. It was hard to believe it was what adult life was like: working all the time and only having the weekends to relax. Derrick also took a few days off so we could spend time together. When the time came, it was hard to say goodbye to Derrick even though it was only for two weeks. I wanted to ask him to come with us. He had worked all summer and I assumed that he had money to buy his own ticket. I knew Daddy would never go for it or even if Derrick wanted to come. His family also took vacations during the summer and it was a rare time that his dad was home during the summer. I knew he wouldn’t want to miss out being able to spend quality time with him.

  I was well beyond being scared of the plane taking off. Still, the flight to Detroit was uncomfortable. I was sandwiched in the middle of Mommy and Shanna while Daddy sat in the seats in front of us. I managed to sleep the whole way and awoke to the stewardess telling me to move the seat back to the upright position. “Hello Detroit” Daddy said cheerfully as we waited to exit the plane. Aunt Michelle was there to pick us up from the airport. She and my cousins had been in Detroit for a week by the time we got there and were staying with Grandma. Aunt Carol had once again allowed us to stay at her home. We had only heard from her a few times since last summer making it difficult to determine if she was doing better. I had hoped that we would be able to see her and spend time with her, but she was vacationing in Santorini and was not sure if she w
ould be back before we left. I seemed to be the only one concerned about her well-being. Everyone else seemed to think that she needed professional help and that it was her responsibility to get it for herself. Though she was an adult, I still felt as though she needed us to encourage her and support her to get the help she needed.

  Our two-week vacation in Detroit went by in a blink. Ordinarily this would have bothered me, but it was one summer vacation I was glad to see end. We learned that Aunt Michelle was getting a divorce. She was contemplating moving her and my two cousins to Detroit to be closer to Grandma. No one in our family got divorced. What could be so bad that they couldn’t work it out and how would this affect Sanaa and Samantha? They seemed unbothered by the news, which concerned me even more. I wondered if they even fully understood how far away their father would be from them if they moved. On top of the news of the divorce, we had to deal with Grandma’s failing health. During our visit she had to spend two nights in the hospital for chest pains. The whole experience had us all shaken up and was the only positive I could think of to having Aunt Michelle move to Detroit. Aunt Carol showed up for the last two days of our visit but made herself very scarce. We awoke one morning to her getting back in town, only to repack and head out to meet a friend for a trip to Maine. She wasn’t her usual chipper self. In fact, she wouldn’t give anyone a hug or even eye contact for that matter. Daddy tried to convince her to at least hang around for a late birthday celebration, but she adamantly declined as she shut herself in her bedroom to pack. It was definitely a different experience for us and while I was sad to leave Grandma in declining health, I was glad to be heading back home.

  Shanna left for school just a week after we got back from Detroit. She left earlier than she technically had to saying that she needed extra time to change her dorm housing. I didn’t buy it. I concluded that there was probably a boyfriend or male interest that prompted her leaving early. At some point, she would have to spill the beans. I figured she was waiting for things to get more serious. There were still two weeks before I started my sophomore year of high school. I went back to working as much as I could, since I knew, my parents wouldn’t allow me to work a lot when school started back. Daddy allowed me to take out a lump sum of money to buy new clothes for school, but I also had to buy my own school supplies. He didn’t set a limit on how much I could take out the bank, but he didn’t have to. I had worked hard most of the summer and no longer had the desire to blow money on clothes and shoes that I didn’t need. Besides, I had Derrick, who else did I have to impress?

  ∞∞∞

  The start of sophomore year was almost identical to the start of my freshman year. Daddy insisted on driving me and there was a long line to get into school. The difference was that as we waited in the traffic line, slowly passing the crowds of students, I wasn’t even slightly nervous. Thinking about how nervous I was just a year ago made me chuckle. It was just as Daddy and Shanna had said; it all became second nature. I spotted Derrick among the crowd of students outside the office. Even though we only had a few minutes to talk before the bell rang he made the start to a new school year that much better. Derrick walked me to my homeroom, where as I entered my class, the only seat left was behind the annoying stoner. I had learned last year that his name was Tre. I never saw him outside of our homeroom class and pretty much forgot about him after we stopped the homeroom check-in freshmen year. He looked just the same with red eyes, tattered clothing, and that same goofy grin.

  “New Year, same boyfriend, huh?”

  He started with me as soon as I sat down. How could the only seat left in the whole classroom be behind him? I was tempted to stand up the entire time just to avoid his stupid, irrelevant comments about my boyfriend. He sat there staring at me waiting for me to respond, but I decided to ignore him, to act like I didn’t see or hear him. After a while he gave up and turned back around snickering to himself. When the bell finally rang, I was relieved that I could get away from him. My mental celebration was all too soon. When leaving the room I felt a tug at my purse and when I turned around he was there behind me.

  “What are you doing?” I asked as I noticed a jagged corner of paper sticking out of my purse.

  “Relax. It’s just my phone number. You know just in case things don’t work out with that other guy.”

  I was furious at his disrespect. He knew I had a boyfriend. What made him think that I was even remotely interested in him? I snatched the paper out of my purse and threw it in the trash in the hall. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but I was so angry I couldn’t find the words. Throwing his number away didn’t even seem to faze him. He still kept that sly grin on his face.

  “You’re missing out on all this”, he yelled out behind me. “You hear me? You’re missing out on a real man.”

  Just keep walking Cheryl. Just keep walking, I repeated to myself. Welcome to sophomore year.

  Aside from my unfortunate interaction with Tre, there wasn’t much excitement that day which was just fine with me. Tre didn’t bother to come back to homeroom that week and that was also fine with me. I would see him from time to time around school and managed to ignore him and the annoying grin he would try to give me. I found it easier to make friends my sophomore year. Jackie’s death hadn’t come up in over a year, which made it easier to relax when meeting new people. I didn’t feel like I had to be on edge. I was much busier than I could have ever imagined with school, work, Derrick and having much needed girl time with friends. My parents were thrilled that I had finally come out of my shell and pretty much allowed me to go where I wanted with them unless it was a party. Parties were still out of the question. I knew better than to even ask. It bothered me that so much time had passed and they still did not trust me even though I understood why.

  “Relax; you will have plenty of time to party in a few years when you leave for college. You’ll probably even get tired of it.” This was Shanna’s response to my venting. I knew she was right. I couldn’t even imagine having the freedom she had at college.

  By the end of the semester, I was feeling like it was the best year ever. My grades were good, I was still making my own money, and things with Derrick were still going good. Shanna had come home for Thanksgiving and finally introduced us to her mystery boyfriend. Craig was a year ahead of Shanna in school. He was studying sociology and also played basketball. I would have never guessed that Shanna would go for an athlete, but she seemed completely smitten. For Christmas she had come home without him and was completely miserable having to be apart from him.

  “What do you do when he is away at games?” I asked. I didn’t see the difference.

  “It’s different. This is a holiday. We should be spending it together. Besides I’ll be home for three weeks. We’ve never had to go three weeks without seeing each other.”

  I didn’t know how to argue with that or if it was even worth the effort. I wanted to tell her to suck it up and enjoy the family time, but I refrained and decided to give her the time she needed to sulk. Fortunately for her and for the rest of us who were tired of seeing her mope around the house, Craig surprised her by making the seven-hour drive from Virginia to spend New Year’s with her. I had to admit that it was a romantic gesture. Daddy seemed impressed as well. He had not verbalized any reservations about Craig, but if he did have any, I was sure that his surprise visit helped to decrease them. That New Year’s Eve we had a nice little celebration at home with Daddy, Mommy, Shanna, Craig, and Derrick. Mommy took the night off from cooking and we ordered pizza while watching movies and playing games. When the clock struck midnight we toasted with our sparkling grape juice before calling it a night. It was a perfect start to the New Year.

  I was pumped for track season when springtime came around. We had come so close the previous year to winning the state championship. I was sure with a little more effort that we could win it all. The first day of practice, I waited at the gym for Derrick. After 15 minutes, I decided that he had somehow forgotten. It bo
thered me the whole practice since it wasn’t like him to just not show up. He loved to run and I couldn’t think of a reason for him to skip out on practice unless something was terribly wrong. It was much later that evening that I was finally able to get a hold of Derrick.

  “So, did you forget about track practice today? I waited for like 15 minutes for you.” I had told myself that I was going to stay calm and at least hear him out, but as I began the conversation I immediately started to get upset.

  “Yeah, sorry about that. I’ve been meaning to tell you that I don’t think I’m going to run this year.”

  “Wait, What? Did you just say that you aren’t running this year?” I was sure that I hadn’t heard him correctly

  “Yeah, I’m just not that into it this year. I think I’m going to concentrate more on my school work.”

  He was lying. I had never known him to lie to me before. I never thought he would, but this story about wanting to concentrate on his schoolwork was bogus and a complete lie. We went back and forth about it for some time. I pleaded with him to tell me what was going on, but it was no use—he was holding on tight to his story. When we finally got off the phone I just laid there staring at the ceiling. I knew something was wrong, but the more I racked my brain to try to figure out what it was, the more confused and angry I felt. I just couldn’t understand what could be so bad in his life that he didn’t want to run and worst of all he didn’t want to tell me.

  I avoided Derrick for the rest of the week and refused to take his phone calls. It was fine if he didn’t want to run track but I refused to be OK with him keeping secrets and lying to me. It wasn’t a decision that he made when he woke up the morning of first practice. He had to have known for a while that he wasn’t going to try out. He should have told me. It stressed me out trying to constantly find ways to avoid Derrick and it felt horrible. I didn’t feel like I wanted to end things with him but I hoped the silent treatment would make him tell me the truth. I managed to steer clear of him for a solid week before he caught up with me at a place I could not hide: work. I was working a slow evening shift when I heard a familiar voice behind me.