Something Had to Give

by Trish D.

  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day came and went without any drama or much excitement. We stayed home since we were supposed to be one big happy family again and Mommy was up early Christmas Eve morning cooking breakfast for the first time in months. I expected her to be cooking all day per her usual routine when she was cooking for a holiday, but out of nowhere Shanna wanted her to go out and do some last minute shopping with her. It was written all over Mommy’s face that she didn’t want to go, but since they were so scared of her running away again, she complied and they both pestered me to go as well. Christmas Day was pretty boring once we opened our gifts. I was hoping Aunt Michelle and my cousins would come over, but they had others plans and my parents were insistent that it just be us that year. That afternoon was the first time that Jason had called me since school had let out. I didn’t expect to hear from him at all so when his name popped up on the screen, I just sat there staring at it until the ringing stopped. I didn’t want to talk to him. I felt like if it was over and his feelings had changed that we just needed to cut out the courtesy calls.

  The next day it was back to work for Daddy. Mommy had a church meeting leaving just Shanna and I home alone. When I realized that was the case, I immediately felt annoyed and began to rummage my brain on places I could go and spend the whole day gone. I thought for sure my cousins would be glad for me to pick them up and spend the day with me, but to my dismay they were still with their dad and grandmother. My next option was to see if I could pick up hours at the retirement home but most of the residents were gone with family and there wasn’t a need for me. I resorted to hiding out in my room, but as I figured, it wasn’t long before I heard a light tapping at the door. I knew I wouldn’t get away with pretending to be asleep.

  “Yeah.” I responded to her knock trying not to sound as annoyed as I felt, but I wasn’t so sure that I was successful. I just didn’t want to have to sit and hear about Craig knowing that any advice I offered would be taken as offensive and quickly shot down.

  “Oh hey, can I come in?” She asked after she had already opened the door and was sticking her head in, so what was I supposed to say?

  “Yeah, you can come in.”

  She shut the door behind her, which was strange to me since no one was home. “I tried to come and talk to you the other night, but I guess you were asleep.”

  “I guess, what was going on?

  “Well I was hoping we would get the chance to talk with just the two of us. We haven’t been able to catch up in so long.”

  I didn’t really know how to respond to that without setting her off. I mean what did she expect since she cut her family off? “No we haven’t. I didn’t think you wanted to hear from me so I just gave you your space.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. I was in such a dark place and I needed to get myself together. I treated everyone like crap and I hate that I turned into that type of person.”

  “Well I’m glad you are doing better.” They were words I hoped she would say to my parents who had spent the last year grieving the loss of their precious Shanna.

  “Yeah, I am. Craig and I are doing better than ever, I’m working full-time, and the plan is for me to look into colleges in Virginia soon to finish my Masters. So things are definitely falling into place.”

  I sat there listening to Shanna and I knew her well enough to know that there was something she was holding back on. The things she was telling me was not things that required her to wait till my parents were gone or to talk about with the door closed. What was she not saying? “So what else is going on?” She looked surprised that I was asking which made me think that maybe my assumption was wrong.

  That was when she dropped the bombshell on me. “I found out two weeks ago that I’m pregnant. No one else knows except Craig and I don’t know how I’m going to tell Daddy and Mommy.”

  “Wow.”

  It was all I could think of to say that wouldn’t come off as being totally negative. Two recovering drug addicts/alcoholics that were barely back on their feet were going to bring another life into the world. I already felt sorry for the child. I sat there trying to think of something supportive to say so the situation wouldn’t be so awkward, but it was definitely a struggle. “Well, congratulations! Babies are such a blessing.” It sounded forced I’m sure, on top of being pretty cliché but it was all I could force out.

  It didn’t seem to bother her. My thought was that she wasn’t expecting me to be jumping for joy. She went on and on about how she and Craig were changing their ways and plans to fit around a baby coming in the fall, but never once said that either of them was happy about the news. She seemed more concerned about how our parents would react. This explained why she came to visit at least and probably why Craig opted to stay home. I didn’t see why she was so concerned about my parents though. They were so concerned with getting back into her good graces that I was positive that even if they weren’t happy about the news, they would pretend to be and offer support to her. I wanted to be genuinely happy for them but I had witnessed firsthand how much Shanna had invested into catering to Craig and keeping him happy that I didn’t see how a baby fit into the equation. I felt like it would literally be a competition and a lot of stress on Shanna to meet the needs of them both. Stress was the last thing she needed. She didn’t need anything going on that would send her back to alcohol and drugs. These were all things I wanted to say to her. I didn’t want to upset her though or add more to her plate but they were things she needed to think about and get sorted out early. Unfortunately, we didn’t have that type of relationship anymore and with that being the first time we had talked in almost a year, I didn’t want it to turn sour. All I could do was wish her the best and hoped it all worked out well.

  It was New Year’s Eve before my parents found out the big news. Craig had come down from Virginia and I immediately began to plan my trip back to Wilmington. I didn’t like Craig. I didn’t like who Shanna was when she was around Craig and I most certainly didn’t want to have to watch my parents pretend to like him just to please Shanna. Eric was in Wilmington with plans to bring in the New Year downtown with work friends. Even though I knew I was likely to be the only sober one among the group, it sounded much better than being home. I snuck away to get my stuff together while everyone was in the living room laughing at one of Craig’s probably exaggerated stories. It was the perfect situation for me to slip out without anyone noticing or trying to stop me. I failed to factor in that Shanna was much more observant than my parents and getting by her wouldn’t be as easy. She was at my door before I could get my bags zipped and gave me a pitiful song and dance about wanting me to be there when they told my parents the news and how much she needed my support. It was a bunch of BS! With Craig being there, she wouldn’t give me a second thought, but I still agreed to stay just to keep the peace.

  We brought in the New Year’s downtown Charlotte having dinner before joining the crowd to watch the crown drop. I sat quietly for the most part dreading the whole reveal and cringing every time Craig opened his stupid mouth to make a stupid comment or told a stupid story. He didn’t have to be doing anything and he still just seemed so stupid to me. I wished that I had followed my plans to go back to Wilmington. Shanna didn’t need me there. We hadn’t spoken more than a few words to each other the whole evening just as I figured and I felt like the 5th wheel tagging along after them. It sucked. Around 11pm I started to get impatient and I was ready to break the news myself if they weren’t going to. After all, it was the reason I stayed behind. Finally, when it was about 11:30, Shanna broke the news to my parents while holding Craig’s hand so tight that it started to turn red. He was visibly nervous for the reaction and sat quietly with his head down. Just as I expected, they had nothing but good things to say. I honestly could not tell if it was sincere or not. When the cat was out of the bag, we headed out side to fight for a spot to watch the crown drop. Jason called right at midnight, which was the first time he had tried to contact me since Christmas day.
I declined the call.

  I left for Wilmington New Year’s day and there was no one who was going to stop me. Aunt Michelle had come over and sat at the kitchen table with Mommy and Shanna for hours discussing baby stuff. Craig was in the living room talking with Daddy. I wasn’t interested in joining either of the conversations. I wanted out of that house. It was Craig who spotted me coming down the steps struggling to get my bags down all at once.

  “Hey, where you headed?”

  I wanted to get out of the house without anyone seeing me and he had to ruin it just like he ruined everything. I gave him the nastiest look I could, thinking if only my eyes could have shot daggers. Why couldn’t he mind his own business? I chose to ignore him, but it was too late, his comment had caught Daddy’s attention and made him realize what was going on.

  “Cheryl, are you leaving? It’s a holiday, why can’t you wait until tomorrow?” Daddy asked with a stunned looked on his face.

  There were so many answers I could have given such as “it sickens me to be here;” “you have your favorite child here”, “you don’t need me here;” or “I’m pretty much invisible, so why not leave.” There were a million more floating through my head, but I had to stop before I got angry and I needed to give him an answer. As he stood up to come and help me with my bags I simply replied, “I’m not doing much here so I figured I would head on back and beat the traffic.”

  “I can understand that but I still hate to see you leave so soon. We have been having such a good time with everyone here.”

  I simply smiled at this comment. The responses that came to mind were not nice or positive so I kept them to myself. Everyone else’s reaction to me leaving was similar to Daddy’s, but no one put up a fuss for me to stay longer. I could tell by the look on Shanna’s face that she knew that something was wrong, but I was glad she didn’t press it.

  The feeling of relief was immediate as soon as I got in the car to leave. I just couldn’t take any more of them fawning over Shanna, Craig and the baby like this was the best thing to ever happen in our family. It was a disaster waiting to happen just like their relationship. I didn’t know why no one else could see that. What made me even more upset was that no one bothered to check to see how I was doing. There wasn’t a single time that anyone acknowledged that I was getting ready to start my last semester of college or inquired about my plans for when I graduated. I was truly invisible and it had started to piss me off. Did I have to develop a drug habit to get noticed? I was so upset that I had to pull over at the nearest gas station. The more I thought about things, the more I was getting myself worked up and there was no way I could drive back like that. I sat there for some time with the seat reclined back and my eyes closed. My intention was just to sit there until I calmed down, but it was almost two hours later when I woke up from a deep sleep shivering from the cold. I had been sleeping so hard that I felt woozy and wasn’t completely sure I could make the four-hour drive. When I considered the alternative of turning around and going back home, I knew I had to get it together. From inside the gas station I grabbed a coke and pack of peanut butter crackers, which helped to give me a jolt of energy, and I was on my way.

  The ride back to Wilmington was rough and I had never been so glad to see my apartment complex. Despite my power nap I was extremely exhausted and felt like at any minute a simple blink would put me in a coma. I didn’t even have the energy to lug all my bags up the steps so I only grabbed my bag of toiletries to take inside. Everything else could wait. Halfway up the stairs I was smacked in the face with blaring music. It didn’t take long before I realized it was coming from Eric’s apartment. At first I thought he may be in there alone blasting music and decided to walk up to the door to tell him he had to turn it down some. However, just as I was about to knock, there was a lull in the music as the song changed and I heard a familiar laugh that made my skin crawl. It was the girl from the balcony episode that he had allegedly used to make me jealous, but didn’t keep in contact with her. He had lied or gotten really desperate for some company. Feeling defeated, I went on to my apartment and immediately collapsed on the bed. It felt like the whole break had been such a bust and that was just the perfect ending. By the time I dragged myself out of bed to put on pajamas and brush my teeth the music was still up loud. I was so tired that I didn’t even hear it when I laid down. I was out in no time.

  ∞∞∞

  It was after classes started when Eric and I talked again. The day after I got back from Charlotte, I walked out of my apartment to go get my bags and ran into Eric embracing “girl from the balcony” in his doorway. His face was absolutely priceless when he saw that I was already back in town. I wanted to laugh at how shocked he obviously was but I managed to keep a poker face and greet them both with a head nod as I passed by. The girl quickly passed me when she got downstairs. She was out of the parking lot in what seemed like five seconds flat. I was still a little embarrassed when I thought about how I had acted, but I did get a good chuckle seeing her rush to get by me. Eric was back inside when I came up which was not like him to hide or not offer to help me with his bags. He was obviously embarrassed or maybe he just wanted to go back to bed. I was too over the whole Christmas break to even try to figure it out. One day we were thick as thieves and the next, we were avoiding each other. It was just the way it was.

  About a week after classes had started we pulled up in the parking lot at the same time and there really wasn’t a way for us to avoid each other. What started out as a few awkward hellos was followed by his offer to help me carry my groceries upstairs. I only had 3 bags, but I agreed to let him carry them up knowing if I didn’t he would quickly come up with another reason to stick around. Inside the apartment was even more awkward since he just stood there looking around as I put away my groceries. At first I just ignored him hoping he would either leave or sit down, but after a while it started to annoy me and I had to say something.

  “Thanks for helping me with the groceries. If you’re going to stay, you can have a seat.” Once it was out, I realized that it probably sounded more rude or curt than I wanted, but he was acting lame.

  “Ok.” He hesitated before responding and then took a seat on the couch and turned on the TV.

  I almost would have rather that he left than to have to deal with him acting weird and hearing some lame excuse about why the girl he claimed to be just a random chick was spending the night with him. I didn’t even think I wanted to know and decided that I wasn’t going to bring it up. It was later when we were both on the couch watching TV struggling to make small talk that Eric randomly blurted out, “I’m sorry.” It was obvious what he was apologizing for, but I really didn’t want to have a heavy conversation with him. My attempts to change the subject to something else did not work and he went on to explain that he had ran into the girl, whose name was Alicia, at a club downtown and had invited her over out of loneliness. They had spent time together over the break, again because he claimed he was lonely and bored, but was adamant that he was not into her. I didn’t buy that he wasn’t at least a little into her judging by their embrace from the other day, but I told myself I wasn’t going to make a big deal about it so I simply replied with a half-smile and simple “OK.”

  There was a definite uneasiness between Eric and me for a while but eventually we got back on track. While I didn’t bring up the situation with Alicia, there was a certain level of trust that was gone between us. However, I did my best to hide it and act normal. Jason had stopped calling after I didn’t return his call from New Years. I just assumed that we were done. It didn’t really bother me due to the fact that I stayed busy and didn’t allow myself time to think about it too much. Every so often I would see something that would remind me of him and I would be hit with a wave of sadness but I refused to let the feeling resonate with me. I just kept telling myself that I had to move on, but it was hard without having any closure.

  Me and Shanna’s relationship improved a little, in that she reached out to
me more. It was always by email though and never by phone. The fact that she didn’t think I was worthy of an actual call annoyed me and often I would take a day or two to respond to her emails. Even then it was a struggle to reply with more than one or two words, but I had to tell myself that at least she was trying. The one time I did reach out to her first was the day I sent off my applications to grad school programs. I had worked on them for almost a month and sending them off was such a relief. I applied to three schools: George Mason University, UTC, and NC State and I wanted desperately to share the good news with someone. Typical for my parents, they didn’t answer their phones. Eric was at work and couldn’t answer. Jason was out the question, which left Shanna. I called her twice within a 30-minute time span, but go no answer. When I didn’t get a call back after waiting an hour, I resorted to emailing her. It felt good to get it off my chest and share the good news with someone, but it was deflating not to get an immediate response of happiness from someone else. The longer I waited the more my happiness faded. Not only was Shanna not calling me back, but neither were my parents. It was also taking Eric a longer time than usual to get home from work. It was close to midnight when I gave up on hearing back from anyone. Just as I was getting in bed, I heard a ding from my computer signaling a new email. I figured surely that Shanna would not have opted to email me back before returning my calls, but my curiosity would not let me lay down without checking. Sure enough the email was from her and it only said “Good luck.” I sat there staring it the message for several minutes trying to figure out how to feel. It was insane to me that that was all she had to say. I closed out my email and got into bed telling myself that I was absolutely done with her. I just didn’t need toxic people like that in my life.