Something Had to Give

by Trish D.

  “Try from my phone. He doesn’t know my number and it’s a Virginia area code. He won’t know it’s you.”

  I knew it wouldn’t work, but to prove a point to Shanna, I tried it anyway. I couldn’t believe it when he answered. I hadn’t planned out what I wanted to say thinking that I would get his voicemail, so I just sat there in silence for several seconds.

  “Jason.” My voice was shaky and cracking. I could tell he knew it was me since he didn’t respond. However, he didn’t hang up either. “Jason, its Cheryl. I got the papers from the Sheriff today.”

  “And?” He was just as cold as ever, yet it still stung and hit deep.

  “Well, I was confused on why you served me with court papers, when I’ve been calling for you to see the kids for a month now.”

  “Yeah, I’d rather go through the courts and get everything legally done and in writing.”

  “Why Jason? You can see them whenever you want, they’re your kids.”

  “Are they? Are both of them my kids? Let’s go through the courts and find out for sure. I’ll see you next week in mediation Cheryl.”

  He hung up and I was so wound up that I was shaking. He obviously knew the truth about Brandon, but why in the world did he go a whole year without saying anything. It all made sense why he was so angry and why he hated me so much. My mind was spinning and I had no clue what to do or where to even start.

  “What did he say Cheryl? What’s going on?”

  “I messed up Shanna! And now it’s coming back to bite me.”

  Telling Shanna, the truth about Brandon was not only the first time I had admitted it to anyone, but also the first time I had ever said it out loud. I knew I was at risk of judgments, negative comments and disappointment, but I had to admit that it felt like such a huge burden had been lifted. Shanna was able to call and have the mediation date pushed back two weeks due to the circumstances and we continued on with the plan to leave for Charlotte. Before leaving I tried to call Jason and let him know that I was leaving town permanently in case he wanted to say goodbye to the kids. Even if he didn’t want to see the kids, I thought the news that I was moving back to Charlotte would make him call me back. Instead I got nothing. I delayed our leaving as long as I could, hoping to hear back, but pretty soon it was obvious it was not going to happen and I had run out of reasons to delay us. I knew getting through the whole thing with Jason was going to be hard and that I had a lot to figure out in two weeks, but for that moment I told myself I was just going to relax and enjoy the long drive to Charlotte.

  Things were crazy the minute we got to Charlotte. The movers had gotten there a few days before and put all my belongings in storage, despite us clearly marking boxes that should have gone to the house. It took two days to get to the boxes that contained our clothes and things we needed on a daily basis. My old room still had mommy’s sewing materials, which made it difficult to get both mine and kid’s belongings situated. To stay motivated, I kept telling myself that I just needed to get it done so that I could concentrate on the upcoming mediation in Tennessee. However, once we got everything rearranged, I felt too exhausted to think, let alone make decisions regarding our future. I don’t know if the kids were actually extra needy or if I told myself they were to avoid the situation at hand, but I felt like I barely had time to breathe.

  It took until I only had a few days before I had to be back in Tennessee for me to buckle down and start making decisions. I probably would have avoided it longer, but when Shanna and Mommy sat me down and gave me a reality check about how serious things were, I knew I had to stop procrastinating. Shanna agreed to fly back to Tennessee with me to attend the mediation session, while Mommy agreed to stay behind and keep the kids. We spent hours researching lawyers, but with the costs involved, we decided to wait to see how the mediation turned out before looking to hire anyone. The thought of being away from the kids overnight, the costs of the tickets to go back to Tennessee, and the cost of a hotel stay stressed me out beyond words. That was nothing though, compared to the anxiety I felt around seeing Jason and having to be in the same room with him. As if I needed more to deal with, we had to face each other over the situation of Brandon’s paternity. The more I tried to not think about, the more I obsessed over it. Staying busy didn’t help, pretending to be in a good mood didn’t help, and certainly, being sad about it didn’t help. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it all. It just seemed so unfair. Why was I always dealing with so much bullshit? For once, I just wanted to deal with normal people problems. Breathe Cheryl. Breathe.

  We had an early flight to Tennessee and I didn’t sleep at all the night before. When the alarm went off I felt like a zombie. I felt so bad that we were close to missing our plane because I spent so much time in the bathroom thinking I was going to throw up. The kids were still asleep as we were leaving and kissing them goodbye was harder than I imagined. Shanna did her best to comfort me when I got in the car wiping tears, but it was useless. I ended up taking two Benadryl once we were on the plane, hoping to get some sleep. It worked like a charm and I was out before the plane took off. It felt like I was asleep for all of 5 minutes before Shanna was shaking me and I was wiping drool from my mouth. I was so drowsy when we landed that we had to stop twice on the way to baggage claim. My eyelids felt like bricks, my stomach was in knots and I was gasping air to keep from vomiting. My trip to the bathroom to splash water on my face confirmed that I looked like crap and with our rental car not being ready on time, there was no time to stop by the hotel to make myself presentable. I was not optimistic about the mediation. I could just tell that it was going to be a really bad day.

  Jason was late to the mediation. I was in between being pissed that I had made the trip out there for nothing and feeling relieved that I didn’t have to face him, when he came strolling in. The mediator was just as annoyed as 15 minutes of our session had been wasted, but that did not seem to faze Jason at all. He was unapologetic, calm, and stoic as usual. His arrogant demeanor and my irritation level was just another sign that the whole mediation thing was going to be a waste of time. As the mediator began explaining the purpose of the mediation and laying out the ground rules, Jason kept checking his watch and began looking through his phone.

  “Why did you request this if you don’t want to be here?” It had only been 5 minutes and I was over how Jason was acting. While he ignored me and continued to check his phone, the mediator was visibly uncomfortable.

  “Well let’s all calm down here so this will be a productive session. The last thing we want is for this to be a waste of time.”

  “Hey, tell that to her. I’m cool.”

  “Jason, I am going to request that you put your phone away while we are here. Let’s be respectful of each other’s time.”

  “No problem.”

  “Ok, now that that’s settled, I want to give you both a chance to tell what your goals are for this mediation.”

  They both were looking at me and that did nothing for my irritation. “He’s the one that requested this, ask him. We could’ve done this months ago at home.”

  “I want a paternity test.” He blurted it out with a smirk on his face, which made the mediator readjust herself in her chair.

  “If that is your desire, you will need to set that up for you and children. That is not something set up through mediation.”

  “Children?” I only need the test for one.” He was on a roll.

  “I-I’m not sure I follow.”

  “Let me be more specific. I am 200% sure that my daughter is my child. The one-year-old is the one in question.”

  At this point, I was seething with anger, but I refused to let him see that. So I sat there quietly not saying a word. The mediator on the other hand was visibly perspiring and had begun to stumble over her words. I actually felt bad for her.

  “So, if I understand correctly, you have acted like the father to this child for the past year, despite being unsure of the paternity?”

  “I steppe
d up to the plate because I knew his real father was a meth addict and alcoholic. I was being nice; you know trying to give the child a positive role model.”

  “It’s obvious that his motive for requesting this mediation was not to settle anything. This is a waste of time and I’m leaving.”

  There was just no way I could continue to listen to him. I refused to stoop to his level or argue with him, but I was not going to listen to him anymore. As I stood up and began to gather my belongings, Jason continued with his rant to the mediator. It was obvious that he was letting out everything he had wanted to say to me, which tempted me to stick around and hear it all. For a second, I thought maybe if I stayed and listened, we could get to the bottom of everything. I don’t know if it was my pride or me coming to my senses, but I left. I got out of the room and building so fast, I was practically jogging. I took the stairs not wanting to wait on the elevator and when I was out of the building, I called Shanna out of breath to tell her to meet me at the car. I got to the car before her, only to realize that she had the keys, which sent my level of annoyance over the top. I searched my purse once again to no avail before flinging my purse against the car and letting out two gut wrenching screams. I knew if anyone was around to see or hear me that I had to look like an idiot, but I didn’t care. I was beyond frustrated.

  “Cheryl! Was that you screaming? What the hell is going on?” Shanna was running to catch up to me after obviously hearing me scream. I saw her and concern on her face and instantly felt like an idiot for screaming like I was being chased or killed.

  “I got here and realized that I didn’t have the keys. I just got a little frustrated”, I responded as I picked up my purse and the things that had fallen out.

  “Geez Cheryl, you about gave me a heart attack.”

  “Sorry. Can you just open the doors?”

  “Uh, that’s what I’m trying to do. What’s going on? Why are you being so crabby towards me?

  “I’m sorry.” I responded as I was finally able to get into the car. “I just want to get out of this place and Tennessee and never come back.”

  “Wow. Do you want to tell me what happened in there?”

  “Nothing good or productive. We wasted time and money coming out here. I’m never coming back.”

  “Ok.”

  We got to our hotel and immediately got on the phone with the airline trying to get a flight back to Charlotte that night. Shanna watched with an expression of disapproval, but didn’t say a word. I knew that she was watching my every move while silently judging me but I didn’t care. I had to get out of Tennessee. My stomach dropped when the representative on the other line told me that it was $300 each to change our flights. With a deep sigh, I went to get my wallet when Shanna had apparently been silent long enough.

  “Whoa! What are you doing?

  “I’m getting my wallet. I told you I’m not staying here in Tennessee.”

  “How much is it to change our tickets? You do realize that we are on the first flight out of here in the morning.”

  “Yes, I do know that, but I want out of here tonight. I’m not asking you to pay anything. I’ll cover it.”

  “Cheryl, you don’t have a job. You don’t need to spend unnecessary money on this. It’s just one night and we are out of here first thing in the morning.”

  Everything she was saying made sense and that made me even more upset. I wanted her to be on my side even though I was being irrational. With much hesitance, I told the lady on the phone that I would keep my flight in the morning and hung up. Shanna did her best to cheer me up and give me hope in what seemed like a hopeless situation, but nothing worked. It was barely past lunchtime and I found myself showered, in pajamas, and in bed. Shanna tried desperately to get me to go out with her to meet up with a few of her old friends, but there wasn’t anything that was going to make me leave that room besides a trip to the airport. I didn’t want to ruin the gathering with my sour mood and I didn’t have it in me to pretend like I was okay. I was far from okay and I did not want to risk randomly running into Jason. Shanna on the other hand, was in a great mood and evidently thrilled to be going out with her friends. As I watched her prance around the room getting ready, I was amazed as I thought about how far she had come over the past two years. I was happy for her, but at the same time, it didn’t seem fair. Why did her life get better and not mine?

  I thought I would be relieved to be back in Charlotte, but it seemed like things got worse. Shanna had to get back to Virginia, Mommy was busy with church most days, and Daddy still had a busy work schedule which left me home alone with the kids. I couldn’t look for jobs because I knew I would be back and forth to Tennessee, which meant I could not afford a place of my own or daycare for the kids. My days were nonstop with changing diapers, feeding, chasing Brandon, and of course they never took naps at the same time. We were rarely able to leave the house besides a short walk around the neighborhood and when I did have any down time, I was flat out exhausted. There was so much that I felt I needed to be doing to prepare for what was going on in Tennessee, but I didn’t know where to start or where I was going to find the time. I couldn’t afford a lawyer and since my parents were paying for everything for me and kids, I couldn’t bring myself to ask them for more help.

  For weeks I had the same routine of caring for the kids, never leaving the house, and moping around. I wondered if my parents noticed how unhappy I was or if they even cared. On days that Mommy didn’t have a church activity, she still found a reason to leave the house and not once did she ask for us to come. I wanted so badly just once for her to tell me to go out and have some time for myself and offer to keep the kids, but that never happened. Each day as I watched her and Daddy leave for work not having to worry about anyone or thing, I resented them. I wanted my life to be easy like that and free from stress and worry. Each night I went to bed hating my life. There were times I would try to find the good in each day to not feel that way, but it just didn’t work. My life sucked and something told me that it was going to get worse with the way Jason was acting. Something had to give, but what?

  I found myself saying that something had to give a lot. I spent so much time dwelling on it, that I convinced myself that I had to come up with a plan for a drastic change in my life. Out of what seemed like nowhere, I got the motivation to start looking for jobs like my life depended on it. Every free moment I was able to find I was sending out applications. I wouldn’t allow myself to think about the trips I was likely going to have to take back and forth to Tennessee. Instead, I kept telling myself that I had to start bringing in some money and getting my life together. The day I got not one, but two call backs from applications I submitted gave me the glimmer of hope I needed to know that I was going to be okay. Immediately I began to get a plan together for what I was going to wear, what I was going to say, and who was going to keep the kids during my interviews. It seemed like it had been years since I had dressed up for anything. I didn’t know what I had that was interview appropriate. The first two outfits I tried on were too tight on my stomach that was still holding on to baby weight. I was in too good of a mood to let it bother me though. As I was having a mental celebration of the third pair that I tried on fitting perfectly, the doorbell interrupted me. I hurried to the door before it could be ringed again and wake the kids. I expected it to be a delivery guy since it was the time he usually came. My heart sank when I opened the door and saw a Sheriff at the door.

  Jason had me served with papers again. He filed for full custody of Amelia and wanted his name off of Brandon’s birth certificate following a DNA test. As I sat reading the papers over and over I didn’t understand why I had to be served on a day that was the first in months that I actually felt happy. I wasn’t sad, I was angry. He had stolen my joy once again. On top of that he was trying to take my daughter away from me and tossing my son to the side like he was a piece of trash. In that moment, my whole focus changed. Something had to give and it was clear what it was. Jason had to g
o. He wasn’t just going to go away and I knew there was no way I could just ignore him forever. So it was clear to me what I had to do. I had to kill him.

  Chapter Seven

  SOMETHING HAD TO GIVE

  I knew I had no business planning a murder. It was going to be premeditated murder and I was in way over my head to say the least. I didn't take the time to consider that I would spend the rest of my life in prison or that my kids would be orphans. I just kept telling myself that something had to give. I didn’t want to cancel the interviews I had just eagerly agreed to, but I didn’t have a choice. If I was going to get rid of Jason, I had to act fast and devote all my energy to successfully carrying out my plan. I didn’t want to keep it a secret from my family that I had been served. I needed their support, but I didn’t have a choice. There wasn’t a way to explain to them that I had no intentions of going to that court date, because I intended for Jason to be dead by then. I also didn’t want them scrambling to find a lawyer for me. I didn’t need any distractions from my plan and I didn't need a lawyer mixed up in my plan. I didn’t want to kill the father of my children, but I didn’t have a choice. He had forced my hand; backed me into a corner so far, that it was the only way I knew how to come out fighting.

  I needed a plan and I needed one quickly. I had watched so many crime shows that I had always joked that I could commit pretty much any crime and successfully get away with it. I had even convinced myself that even if I didn't get away with it, I knew how to make it seem like I was insane and still get away with it. It was so easy to watch and point out all the stupid mistakes the criminals had made. As I sat and thought about how to carry out my own murder, it was so easy to see how emotions and anger could drive someone to make irrational and impulsive decisions. Jason being so far away was good in that I couldn’t go to him right away and drive a knife in his neck like I had imagined myself doing so many times. I became obsessed with coming up with the perfect plan. When the kids cried or needed something and I had to stop planning, it pissed me off. When my parents came home and I had to hide what I was doing, I would fight back tears. Some nights I fell asleep with a pen in my hand or at the computer and even though I knew it was ridiculous, I didn’t stop.