The Golden Globe

by John Varley

  But the big thing is John himself. Not many actors are good with scripts. John Valentine is certainly not one of them. Anyone can see after ten minutes in a story conference that Valentine's influence is entirely a negative one. Nothing could be clearer than that Sparky and everyone associated with it would be much better off if John Valentine suddenly left for an extended tour of Neptune.

  But wait! Did I say Polly and Sparky are away from the center of creativity? Perhaps I was hasty. Looking more closely, we see the two are whispering and giggling. Polly is drawing in a big notebook. Peering over his shoulder—before she quickly, shyly, snaps the notebook closed—I can see the drawings are very good. Broad, assured strokes of the pencil. Cartoonlike figures. Do they have names? I ask, after spending a little time ingratiating myself with them. Why, of course they have names.

  Inky Tagger. Arson E. Blazeworthy. Crimea River. Lionel Alibi. The law firm of White Wong. Identical twins Tess Tosterone and S. Trojan.

  Some of these have already debuted on Sparky and His Gang. The rest I was only shown after promising to keep them a secret, except for their names. (See, Sparky? I told you you could trust me.) I'm allowed one example only, a character to be introduced in the next episode. Windy Cheesecutter.

  Like most of the new faces at the old Sparkster's clubhouse, Windy has a big problem. A very big, very smelly problem. As drawn by Polly, Windy is a blimp of a boy, cheeks puffed, lips pursed, eyes bulging, huge sausages for arms and legs and fingers. As imagined by Sparky, Windy keeps blimping and swelling and growing alarmingly until he relieves the pressure. Hey, if Chaucer can make jokes about farting, why can't Sparky?

  As you might imagine, this socially debilitating condition has made Windy a bit of an outcast, and damn angry about it. He goes around knocking down buildings with his exploding flatulence. He can clear out a church or theater in ten seconds. Not a nice boy at all, hardly the sort you'd expect to be a part of Sparky's rather uninspired, sometimes downright mealy-mouthed gang. So what does Sparky do about him? You'll have to tune in and see.

  * * *

  I'm sitting at the leper's end of the table with Sparky and Polly. John Valentine is nowhere to be seen. Over there in the next area code are Gideon Peppy and his highly paid writing staff, shouting at each other.

  Let them shout. Down here is where the show is being created.

  "Why don't you ask her?" Polly says.

  "What's that?" I ask, looking up from my note taking.

  "Go ahead," Polly says.

  "Nah," says Sparky. "She wouldn't be interested."

  "Of course I'd be interested," I say. "What is it?"

  Sparky studies me dubiously for a moment, then shrugs, and looks at me with a perfectly straight face.

  "Are boogers and snot the same thing?" he asks.

  "Are..." I close my mouth. I am determined not to laugh. But pretty soon Polly starts to howl, and Sparky joins in. So I do, too.

  "No, really," Sparky says. "We've made a list of thirty-five things that can come out of the human body. Without, you know, surgery."

  "Only it may be thirty-six," Polly says.

  "If boogers and snot are different things. See, we decided plaque, tartar, and calculus are different. But toenails and fingernails are the same."

  "We're not counting babies," Polly adds. "And eight of the things are different kinds of hair."

  "There wasn't a very good definition of snot in the dictionary."

  "Or boogers."

  So I think it over and I tell them I think they must be different. Polly looks smugly at Sparky, who sticks out his tongue. Polly gets back to her drawing.

  "See," Sparky says, "we decided we need a really good bad guy. If you know what I mean."

  I certainly did. The Sparky show had been limping along almost a year now, and that was one of many things that hadn't been very well-defined. Each week a new bad guy was trotted out, dealt with, and market research said the kids just weren't interested in him. If you've got a series about a bunch of kids who go around righting wrongs, thwarting evil, you need a good source of evil.

  "What I thought was," Sparky goes on, "since Sparky is pretty smart, that maybe I'd make the bad guy. You know, like Frankenstein. One thing Sparky has to watch out for is, he's a little impulsive. Sometimes he goes ahead and does something without thinking about what might happen. So one day in his laboratory he decides to create a new friend. He thinks about... well, I thought about that song about a hank of hair and a piece of bone. So Sparky gathers up all the things that can come off a human body—and Polly helps, too, and they have to find some of it in other places, because only grown-ups can make some of this stuff, and they throw it all together in the laboratory and, poof! Here's this guy. Only—"

  "He doesn't have a soul," I say.

  Sparky frowns at his hands. "Maybe it's dorky," he says, doubtfully.

  "No, I don't think so. It's true, it's an old story, but I don't think anyone's ever approached it from quite the... direction, or with the same kind of ingredients you do. What will you name this villain?"

  And the face shuts down. Only the spark in the eyes remains.

  "I haven't decided yet," he says. I know he really has, and is just not going to tell me, but that's okay. I've got my story.

  After Sparky and Polly have been called away to shoot a scene, I hang around a little longer, try to be inconspicuous. And I see a curious thing. Over the course of the afternoon just about every one of the high-powered writers from the north side of the table finds an excuse to wander down to the other end. Gosh, has anybody seen my hat? Could it be under the table down here? Oops, looks like that drawing tablet is about to slip off the table. Let me just straighten it up here....

  Casually, nonchalant, they saunter and stroll and amble and perambulate, holding their pens and notebooks and cups of coffee. What's this? Oh, it's little Polly's drawings. What's she been up to today, I wonder?

  And they leaf through the drawings.

  Whatever Gideon Peppy is paying these writers, it's not enough. Not nearly enough, to be willing to steal ideas from children, and put their own names on the ideas. No, sir. I'd want a fucking shitload of money to do that.

  So there's the secret. While the creative staff bickers and shouts and hurls out one stale, derivative idea after another, the real stories are being made at the other end of the table, out of boogers, spit, snot, and farts.

  And who was the last person I saw visit the far end of the table? I'll give you a hint. He wore yellow shoes, and was sucking on a lollipop.

  * * *

  * * *

  from LUNAVARIETY

  "The Entertainment Industry Daily"

  VALENTINE TO NEPTUNE; TO HELM OPNT

  staff-written

  John Barrymore Valentine, King City resident and longtime thespian of the legitimate stage, has been offered the job of artistic director of the Outer Planets National Theater, effective January 1 of next year.

  "It was a tough decision for me," Valentine said, at the press conference announcing his intention to accept the bid. "As many of you know, I have been associate producer on my son's weekly video series, Sparky and His Gang, which is currently number nine in the Flacks. My son and I talked it over and we both felt that, much as we hate to be apart, our careers come first at this point in our lives. Sparky will be in good hands here on Luna. I have a two-year contract, with options to renew. It is my hope to bring a classical revival to the outer planets, which have long lagged behind Luna and Mars in putting the plays of Shakespeare, Moliere, Chekhov, Williams, and many others on boards. It is a great privilege to do my part in the preservation of the arts."

  Contacted at his headquarters at Sentry/Sensational, Gideon Peppy, producer of Sparky and His Gang, expressed his happiness and his regrets. "It's a good career move for John," Peppy said. "Of course, we'll all miss his input around here, but I suppose we can manage to get along without him."

  The Outer Planets Federation had encountered funding prob
lems for its ambitious but unfinished Performing Arts Centre, taking shape near the Government Centre in New Sydney, Triton. Recent donations have the project moving again, however, and the board of directors felt confident enough of a completion date to announce its selection of Valentine, who will be leaving for the OP on the first available transport.

  * * *

  * * *

  from Triton Tabloid

  Arts Page

  8/04/58

  by Staff

  The Triton Council for the Fine Arts announced today receipt of a large cash bequest, funds earmarked for the completion of the trouble-plagued New Sydney Performing Arts Centre.

  "With Federation matching grants, this should be enough to get the Centre up and running," said Spero Meliora, Chairman of the Council.

  Asked as to the identity of the benefactor, Meliora would only say, "A patron of the Arts, who wishes to remain anonymous." Speculation rages, but as of this writing no one seems to have a solid line on the name of the publicity-shy angel. One usually reliable source claims the donation came in the form of a cheque written on a King City, Luna, bank, but the Tabloid has been unable to confirm or disprove this.

  Immediately after the announcement of the unexpected windfall, Meliora launched a system-wide search for an artistic director. Nationalistic preferences run high in this matter, and much support has been expressed among the O.P. arts community for the idea that the director should be a Tritonian, or at least a citizen of the Federation. The Tabloid's sources, however, say to look for the director to arrive from the same direction as the funding.

  And quickly, too.

  (For related articles, Press MORE)

  * * *

  * * *

  PETITION FOR GUARDIANSHIP OF A MINOR CHILD

  District Court, King City, Case #390-45155 8/11/58

  Petitioner: Melina Polichinelli

  Parent or Guardian: John Barrymore Valentine

  Minor Child: Kenneth Catherine Valentine

  STATEMENT OF PARENT: I, John B. Valentine, declare under penalty of perjury the following to be true and correct, to the best of my knowledge. I have been offered a prestigious position on the outer planets, at a substantial increase in salary. My son is currently starring in a video production, Sparky and His Gang, at the Sentry/Sensational Studios. It would be harmful to his present interests and future prospects if he were to accompany me to Triton. After discussing this matter with him and determining that it is his wish to continue, we have decided a temporary transfer of guardianship is the best course for both of us. My longtime friend and colleague, Melina Polichinelli, has agreed to act in loco parentis for a period of two years, after which I will return to Luna and reassess the situation.

  STATEMENT OF PROPOSED GUARDIAN: I, Melina Polichinelli, have known Kenneth Valentine since he was a baby. My own daughter, Kaspara, is currently working with Kenneth and they already spend a great deal of time together. It would be no trouble at all to accept Kenneth into my household. I am sure he will be very happy there.

  STATEMENT OF MINOR CHILD: I, Sparky Valentine, have discussed this proposal with my father and with my guardian, and feel this course is best for both of us. I intend to follow a career as an actor, and the experience and recognition to be gained in my current situation will be invaluable to me in the future. At the same time I do not wish to undermine my father's prospects in his new job. I feel I will be happy living with Mellie and Polly.

  STATEMENT OF SOCIAL WORKER: I have examined Kenneth Valentine and Melina Polichinelli and can find no reason to oppose the guardianship. It is my opinion that taking young Kenneth, who prefers to be known as "Sparky," away from work he loves would be harmful to the youth, and might even drive a wedge of resentment between father and son. I believe both father and son are agonizing about this decision, but concur that the least harmful solution to both is a temporary separation. Arrangements to be reviewed in two years.

  Signed:

  John B. Valentine

  Melina Polichinelli

  Sparky Valentine

  Ambrose Wolfinger, M.S.W.

  Petition approved, 8/12/58

  EJ. Smith, Fourth District Court of King City

  * * *

  * * *

  D.S.S. La Belle Aurore

  en route, Triton

  via V-mail, 8/15/58

  Dear Sparky,

  There's not much I can say now that we haven't gone over already. The ship has stopped boosting and we'll coast all the way now. In a few hours I'll go to sleep, and when I wake up, Triton! (Ooops! We're supposed to pretend we're not using deadballs. Don't spread it around, huh? Ha-ha.) Remember Polonius's advice to Laertes. "The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel; but do not dull thy palm with entertainment of each new-hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade. To thine own self be true." You know the words as well as I. Let me add, always cut the cards. The two years will fly by, and when you've milked this Sparky foolishness for everything you can, you'll join me in teaching these Tritonian hicks a thing or two about the stage! Love from your father,

  John Valentine

  * * *

  * * *

  CONTEST!!!! CONTEST!!!! CONTEST!!!! CONTEST!!!! CONTEST!!!!

  PRESS HERE FOR MORE

  Hey, Gang! Can you think of 36 things that come out of the human body? That's how many things Sparky and Polly used when they created Armageddon Angry®, the newest kid on Sparky and His Gang! Well, if you can, have we got a contest for you! Sparky and Polly want to treat you to a seven-day, all-expenses-paid stay at Dreamland! Your parents, too, and your whole family! While you're at Dreamland you'll have breakfast with Sparky and Polly and some surprise guests! You'll ride all the coolest new rides! To enter, simply write the 36 things on an official entry form. PRESS for entry form: PRINT

  We'll even give you two hints!

  1. One of the things is EARWAX!

  2. Babies are not one of the things!

  Send your entry form along with a box top from SUGAR SPARKLERS, "The Cereal Sparky Eats!" to "Sparky, Sentry/Sensational Studios, Mare Vaporum, Luna." Enter as often as you like! And check under the box top of your SUGAR SPARKLERS cereal for valuable clues! (Winner chosen at random from correct entries. Sorry, if your Mom or Dad works for Sentry/Sensational or Peppiprod, Inc., you can't play!)

  * * *

  December 1 (King City Temple)

  The December "Flack" numbers as compiled by the Trends Research Department of the Latitudinarian Church are as follows:

  TITLE AAS Last Month Last Year

  1. Skunk Cabbage 92.4 2 3

  2. The Gideon Peppy Show 89.9 1 1

  3. Admiral Platypus 85.2 3 2

  4. Scoop the Poop 80.5 4 -

  5. Sparky and His Gang 78.0 7 46

  * * *

  We've got some good news and some bad news for you, Mr. Peppy. Which do you want to hear first? That's right, friends, the seemingly endless reign of the Peppy Show in first place has ended. Skunk Cabbage posted a number-one rating this month by a convincing 2.5 point margin. The good news is that the other Peppy Production, Sparky and His Gang, given up for dead at this time last year, has completed its amazing journey from hopelessness to success, arriving on the chart in fifth position by edging out Barney (see attached rankings).

  Asked for his reaction to the end of his record-breaking streak in Kidvid ratings, Peppy said, "We'll get 'em coming or going now. As for not being in first place, you know how much that affects my ad revenue? Not one Neptune nickel, that's how much. You know how many kids load the Peppy Show every week, week in and week out? Millions, that's how many. So a couple a thousand more kids are watching Skunk Cabbage. So what? It ain't scrapin' the shine off my shoes."

  More likely to fuck up his Florsheims is the result of a tracking study done by the research firm of Thickey Gitte. According to their figures the Peppy Show would have registered in third place but for two guest shots by characters from the Sparky show, Crispin Crunchy and H
. Ralston Riddlerah. AAS was up a full ten points for those two episodes. Given the persistent stories about creative tension on the Sparky team, Peppy has to feel at least ambivalent about those numbers. The departure of John Valentine for the Outer Planets, bruited as a palliative measure for the continuing tensions in the boardroom and the story conference, seems to have helped only a little. Rumor has it that Gideon Peppy has lost creative control of his new baby. So who's in charge, Gideon?

  * * *

  * * *

  from Elementary Educator's Bulletin

  issue #390

  "Kids at Risk"

  by Humphrey Murgatroyd

  It is a distinct pleasure to report that, of the three new television series to become hits in the past year, two of them are good to excellent.

  Much has already been written in this journal and many others of the deplorable Skunk Cabbage, and I will not further belabor it here.

  Scoop the Poop is, as some critics have suggested, simply What the Fuck? in new clothes. One may regret the lack of originality, but considering the great bulk of children's programming, we should count ourselves lucky that an offering from the Children's Educational Workshop is still available, still getting excellent downloadings.

  But the real surprise, and the real quality, is Sparky and His Gang.

  Sparky began with high hopes, quickly faded into a yawn with both children and educators, then resurrected itself with an astonishing array of new characters. It began so badly, in fact, that this reviewer stopped watching it after the third outing. Then a few weeks ago, alerted by its quick rise and by favorable comments from my students, I loaded every episode and have now watched each one three times.

  It is easy to hypnotize children with sound and fury, signifying nothing. If you watch children watching a show like Skunk Cabbage you will notice a certain glassiness of the eyes, a slackness of the jaw. At such times children are no more sentient than a reptile, and no more emotionally swayed. The violence is meaningless. It is animated wallpaper. If it succeeds in moving them to any degree at all, it is to desensitize them to real violence and its tragic effects. Children rise from such a show unable to tell you much about what happened, other than that things exploded, guns went off, swords were wielded, limbs and heads lopped off. Their play after such an experience has no more depth than the show. After watching cardboard heroes chopping up cardboard enemies for no discernible reason, they become more than a little cardboard themselves. They have been viscerally involved, but their emotions have not been touched. Nothing was ever at stake. No lessons were learned.