To Have

by Kali Brixton

  I gathered my thoughts and now-deflated erection, leaving my closet of solitude behind. I stopped at the door to ask if she was ready and noticed she was bent over, zipping her bag, her breasts damn near falling out of the top of her leotard. Well, fuck me sideways. I peeled my eyes from her form and found an announcement board across the hall to feign interest in, praying that God would be merciful, and she would have a sweatshirt on when she came out. In July. In the summer heat of the South.

  “Ready to go?” Her beautiful bun had loose strands hanging down, framing her angelic face and her outfit still clinging to every curve her body owned. She had perspiration

  “Yelp. Let’s go.” I walked ahead of her, hoping I would at least be able to save myself the agony of watching her ass sway in that spandex. I heard her small footfalls behind me, trying to keep up with my long strides. I let her go in front of me when I opened the exterior door. I’m still a gentleman, after all. I ignored her ass as best I could and opened the door to my truck. She tried to get in, a little bit too short-legged to manage it, so I had to give her a boost. I bent down to pick her up, her turning to face me and putting her arms around my neck.

  She pressed herself against me as I lifted her the truck, my hands on her hips, and my sanity long gone. I placed her gently in the truck, and she gave me a grateful smile, a small thank you on her full, pouty lips. I closed the door without a word, afraid if I said anything, she’d do something—anything—to make me lose my last shred of control and do something that would be me killed. I hoped she didn’t feel my hard length, which missed the memo that it wasn’t seventeen anymore and was trying to see how much give my right pant leg had. Hell. I’m in Hell. No, I’m going to Hell for lusting after my best friend’s sister. Who is also sort of my foster sister—and seventeen still.

  The ride to the Kasen home was mostly quiet, with clandestine looks over to her as often as I could manage without detection. When I came back home from deployment, she’d be a perfectly legal eighteen. But that doesn’t make her any more off-limits, does it? My heart sank at that thought because no matter the circumstances, she’d still be Aidan’s sister, and he was the one who had to give the go-ahead. I pulled into the driveway and put the truck in park, the heavy idle of the old vehicle filling the tense silence.

  She shuffled around with her keys and her duffle bag. “Thank you for bringing me home.” Her voice touching every fiber of my being.

  “No problem.”

  “Mom and Dad aren’t home.”

  I gave her a side glance, wondering where she was going with it.

  “I’m by myself and I could use the company, if you’re not busy. Just gonna watch a movie and eat some leftovers—nothing special.”

  Everything about her is special. “I should head on and finish getting packed up.” Even though my duffle bags sat fully packed in my room, the thought of being alone with her right now was more than I could handle.

  “I could help if you need it. I’m an expert packer.”

  “I’m good. Thanks, though.”

  “I wish you didn’t have to go.”

  Please don’t tell me to stay. If you do, I’ll have to break my promise to Merritt that I'd have Aidan's back.

  “Duty calls.”

  “I’ll miss you a lot, D.”

  Not as much as I’ll miss you. I cleared my throat. “Likewise. Don’t grow up too quickly on me.”

  She scoffed her annoyance. “You do know I’m almost eighteen, right?”

  My internal calendar reminds me every day, doll. “Hard to believe.” Few beats of awkward silence.

  “Well…” She fidgeted with her house keys. “I guess I’d better go in.”

  “Take care of yourself, Charlotte.”

  “You too.” I didn’t see her hug coming and caught her as she stretched across the bench seat. She gave that hug her all and I returned it as best I could, trying not to touch anywhere that would create embarrassment for me.

  “I love you. Be safe, Deacon,” she whispered as she left a peck on my cheek and exited the truck quickly, not sparing a backward glance. I watched her as she entered the house and close the door behind her. I should have followed her, but if I did, what little resolve I have would fall apart like wet cardboard.

  I had made it about two miles down the road before I said, “Fuck it,” and turned the truck around, not sure what the hell I was gonna do once I showed back up at that house. I’d made it about a half-mile back before my phone started ringing. The name on the phone could have been changed to Eternal Cockblock because he and the universe were conspiring against me. Big time.

  “Deacon! Did you drop Charlotte off?”

  Does the man have a GPS tracker in my dash or something? “Yeah…”

  “Good. I need you to meet me at the courthouse in Pineville right now.”

  A 45-minute drive away. “What the hell did you do now?” Parking ticket? Traffic stop?

  “Merritt and I are getting married. I need you as my witness.”

  Charlotte

  I remembered that day well. How he watched me for a minute or two before hiding in the bathroom, my body repulsing him. I hadn’t slimmed down as much as I had now, but the thought that my body made him want to hide cut so deeply.

  “What’s with the frown?”

  “Did I disgust you that day?” I asked in the spirit of honesty to rip the bandage off, new beginnings and all.

  His eyebrows knit together. “Why in the world would you think that?”

  “You were gone so long to the bathroom, I thought you didn’t want to look at me in my dance outfit.”

  “Okay… I need you to give me another truth before I lay that one on you. Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  “Give me your best shot, Kasen.”

  I looked around the table for some inspiration. “Truth: Ketchup on a plate by itself makes me want to gag.” I made a disgusted look because it honestly did.

  He laughed full and deep. “Works for me. Check?”

  “Wait! You said you’d tell me.”

  A sheer determination was painted on his face. “Oh, I will, but I need a more private place to say it.”

  My face flushed with exhilaration. Deacon paid the check, and we walked out of the restaurant, me trying to pace myself because anticipation and nervousness boiled in my blood. He walked me to my car, which was parked between two bigger vehicles now and was hidden away from the view of the restaurant.

  I reached my car, him hot on my heels. Before I could turn, the world spun around me, and I came to a stop against my backdoor, him caging me in with his strong arms. His hips rested on mine and his lips were but a breath away.

  “Truth: I stayed in that bathroom because I wanted to tear that damn leotard from your body and have my way with you against those mirrored walls.”

  My breath caught at his confession, the sound of it and his filling the minute space between us.

  His half-lidded stare, full of lust, held my gaze until he leaned over to my ear and set my body aflame. “I had to go in there because if you could have seen me, you would’ve known how hard you made me, how hard you always make me, so I went in there and thought of every non-sexy thing I could to get my mind off of your delicious body.”

  Now that’s something I wasn’t expecting. I bit my lip as his soft ones touched the bottom of my earlobe and ghosted my cheek, returning to his prior stance.

  “That was my truth.” He licked his lips while staring at mine. “So, what’s yours, Sunshine?”

  I could have leaned forward and taken what I wanted, but a Deacon full of want and chase was one I’d never dealt with before. I wanted—no, needed to savor this feeling a bit longer. “I guess we’ll have to have another non-date to find that out, won’t we?” I ducked under his arm and opened my door before he could stop me. See you at the picnic tomorrow were my last words to him before slinking into my seat and firing up the engine. I expected him to throw open the door and kiss me, but all I got in ret
urn was his knuckles rapping twice on the top of my car.

  My heart thudded in my chest the whole way home, and I replayed that almost kiss again and again, my body thrumming with excitement. My cheeks hurt from the huge grin taking up real estate on my face and I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if I would have risen to the challenge and told him my truth: I could get in his truck just fine. I just wanted to see what he’d do…

  Chapter Eighteen

  Deacon

  I stood there with my phone to my ear, taking a few minutes away from the cookout to touch base with Merritt, all the while thinking about how good that non-date with Charlotte was last night. She smiled at me more last night than she had in the weeks I had been back home, and I was grateful for the talk we had. I only wish she could see herself the way I see her: absolute perfection. They carried beer of every kind at the burger joint, but I was too drunk on Charlotte to even bother to care. She was the most intoxicating thing in the world, and it was easy to get wrapped up in everything that makes her her. I wanted like hell to follow through with that kiss, but her teasing me was just as sweet. And getting that second non-date out of her? Worth it. Because no matter what I’ve got to do, I’m going to prove to Charlotte Kasen that there’s no one else who would cherish her the way I do—the way I always will.

  Merritt was bragging on Everett being a rockstar and learning something new every day it seemed, things I was no longer around to witness. I thought about what my life would have been like if she hadn’t intervened in my downward spiral of booze and regret…

  I was supposed to be there to help her, but after a big blow-up a few months after I arrived involving a drunken confession about what Aidan did to save my life, I woke up the following morning to glass clanging and liquid gurgling. She was heavily pregnant at the time, with only a few weeks to go. She was standing at the kitchen sink, letting what looked like every single bottle of alcohol I had hidden in her apartment pour down the drain, the bottles being tossed into a big white trash bag. My head was pounding from the hangover, so I couldn’t put up much of an argument, but she was pregnant, and I worried about her getting overworked, not to mention embarrassed she saw how bad off I was.

  Merritt, that’s enough. I walked over to her to get the last bottle out of her hand. She turned around and slapped me, the sound reverberating in the tiny kitchen. My drunken stupor sobered up considerably and quickly as I looked at her in complete and utter shock. Merritt?

  She looked at me with those big brown eyes of hers, reddened by the tears she had obviously been shedding for a while, and she grabbed my shirt, pulling me closer to her. Let me tell you something, Deacon Devereaux… My husband did not give his life so you could drink yourself to death. My son will not grow up fatherless so you can wallow in your self-pity. Her grip tightened in my shirt and I was so stunned I couldn’t speak, but she did more than enough for the both of us. You will not waste this second chance he gave you—not on my watch.

  She let go of my shirt and continued with her rant. I’ve called around and got it arranged for you to go to rehab today. You don’t have a say. You don’t get a choice. You’re going. End of story. And when you complete the program, you will come back here and start living like you appreciate this chance he gave you. She stood there with her hands on her hips, conviction in her voice. I will not lose the only friend I’ve got left in the world because you feel unworthy. If he thought you were, he wouldn’t have done what he did to save your ass. Don’t take that from him, D. Don’t spit on that sacrifice. Now, get your act together, or I’ll kick your ass myself since he can’t.

  She walked into her bedroom and slammed the door shut. I was so ashamed of what I had become, of how I was letting down everyone in my life, I did exactly as she told me—and it saved my life. By the time I finished the program, Everett was a few months old, and I was able to help her the way I had planned to when her aunt first called me. But the Merritt who lit a fire under my ass wasn’t the Merritt I saw when I returned. She slept a lot, leaving me to take care of him more and more, and she hardly ever left her room, let alone the apartment. There was a woman who was in rehab along with me who came there after she developed a drinking problem instead of going to a therapist about her depression. She discussed her symptoms at length and once I took stock of Merritt’s behavior, I recognized that my friend was in trouble.

  Merritt: you helped me, so let me help you. She fought me on it for a couple of days until I reminded her that Aidan wouldn’t want her to waste this time with their son, time that he would never have. She finally relented and went to the counselor my rehab buddy had recommended. Within the next several months, I could see remarkable changes in my friend. By the time Everett turned a year old, she was almost back to being sassy Merritt again, full of life and all the things my best friend had admired in her. She was a phenomenal mother, little Rett growing and flourishing in her love, and I knew Aidan would be so proud of her.

  I had been in contact with Lynn by email, too ashamed of my secrets to talk to her on the phone for fear of outing Merritt, and knew Charles was struggling with his slow progression. I had also received a letter from Elsie one day that gave me several reasons to worry about the family I had come to call my own. She had written about how the company had hit some snags while Charles was out of commission and how Charlotte and Grey had stepped up to ensure the company went on, even though they were struggling to keep workers. I also told Merritt about Elsie’s letter and my concerns for the business. Her response was firm. It’s time for you to go back home and chase your own dream. I worried about her being on her own with Everett, but she insisted she was all right, and I was only four hours and a phone call away if she needed me. But, Silverton was her home too and I hated that she was afraid to face Charles and Lynn.

  “Ever thought any more about coming back?” I asked as I stared out the window, watching the kids of some of the men running and playing.

  “It’s…I don’t know if that would be a good idea, Deac.”

  “Don’t you think they’ll understand?”

  “Aidan didn’t seem to think so.”

  “He was afraid of upsetting them, but trust me, they’re still the same people we both know and love.”

  “It’s not just that…” she trailed off the way she always did when she wanted the subject to drop.

  “At least promise me you’ll think about it some more?”

  “I will. Now, go enjoy the cookout; we’ll catch up tomorrow.”

  “I love you guys.”

  “We love you too, Deac.”

  “Give him a hug for me, okay?”

  I heard the smile in her sweet voice. “Will do.”

  I looked up and noticed a pair of green eyes staring at me, filled with anger. “Who was that?”

  “A friend.”

  “A friend?”

  “That’s what I said.”

  “You always tell your friends you love them?”

  “Why are you such a dick?”

  He stood a few paces from me, his big arms crossed, a scowl permanently etched into his face. “I'm observant. I get paid to be so every day. And I have a big fucking problem with people who want to chase after my sister having a side piece.”

  “She’s not a side piece.”

  “So, it is a she.”

  “It is, but she’s a friend—just like I said.”

  “A friend with a kid?” Where the hell was he going with all this?

  “Yeah…”

  “How old is he?”

  “18 months. Why?”

  “And you were gone for…”

  I did not like where his brain was taking this. “Listen. I don’t know what’s trying to cook in that detective brain of yours, but you’re barking up the wrong tree. I don’t have a kid. I don’t have a side piece. She’s a friend I went through my rough patch with, and she calls to check-in.”

  “You know I’m not buying that shit.”

  “You can rent or l
ease it for all I care.” I looked outside to make sure no one was looking our way, our voices carrying further than we probably realized. With no one looking, I tried to reign in my anger and my volume. “What the hell is your problem anyway?”

  “Just trying to look after my sister.”

  “Convenient. Funny how you have been MIA here lately, and your concern for her wasn’t as pressing.”

  “I was on assignment.”

  “I’m sure.”

  “You can believe whatever the hell you want to—I was on assignment, and now I’m not. So, you can believe I’ll be watching a little more closely, which I should have been doing a long time ago, apparently.”

  Fuck this. “Well, since we’re taking a trip down memory lane, why don’t you own up to the fact you didn’t give Charlotte that note I left for her.” His jaw ticked. “Sorry. Did I strike a nerve?”

  “I had my reasons.” His cold stare bore into mine. He was only two inches shorter, but his shitty attitude added to his presence considerably.

  “I don’t think that it was your decision to make. And you fucking hurt her a lot by doing that, you dick.”

  “Maybe for a moment. But I think you know my sister is off-fucking-limits to you, and you’d do well to remember that.”

  “We’re not kids anymore and we sure as hell aren’t related. We can do whatever we want. Why do you even care?”

  “Funny. I thought you were a man of your word.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I know what Aidan said to you. Back when you all were fourteen.” Of course. Mason “Eagle Eye” Kasen didn’t miss a thing. Fucker was probably lurking around the bushes when A gave me the lecture. “You promised him she was off-limits to you. So, you think that shit’s null and void now that he’s dead?”

  I stepped towards him, my temper starting to come unhinged. “How fucking dare you!”