A Swing and a Miss: The Funny, Tragic, and Scary True Stories of Real Swingers

by Audra Morgan

  ~ PF, Fresno, California

  My boyfriend and I were at the club playing in the group play room. One of the other couples was interested in a full swap with us. We started out, as usual, with girl play. However, the other woman was very drunk and kept giving me sharp little bites all over my body. Now, I like biting (both giving and receiving) but this woman had no idea how to bite properly, so I told her to stop biting me. She didn't, in spite of me telling her about three times. So I told her husband to make her stop biting me. She listened to him; I, however, didn't really want any further contact with her. So we went into a full swap. I was in doggy, so her husband came up behind me; I reached around and felt his cock with my hand, to make sure he was wearing a condom. He wasn't. I sat down on my butt and told him to put on a condom (which he did). I went back into doggy and he penetrated me. At some point, my vaginal juices dried up and sex was beginning to be painful (especially with the condom--too much friction!). When this happens to me, I usually hock up a big wad of spit, put it on my hand, and lube myself up while still fucking the guy. I tried to do so in this situation, but the guy pinned my hands down below me and prevented me from doing so (perhaps he thought I was trying to touch my clit; some men see this as an ego-killer. I try to stay away from those type of men). It was VERY painful after that; I felt like I was being rubbed raw and started making noises of pain instead of pleasure. Finally, he came. In hindsight, I should have known that he would try to be a Dominant ass; he was wearing a leather cock ring, which is not typical attire for your average swinger.

  ~PF, Fresno, California

  My husband and I were having sex in the voyeur room of a club in a city we were visiting for our anniversary. We found it exciting to be watched, and we had been told that no one could join us unless they were invited. We were fucking like mad and quite a crowd was gathering, and the onlookers made it very exciting. The club where we live doesn’t have a room like this, so we were really enjoying ourselves. I guess someone else was enjoying it too, because the husband in one of the couples kept getting closer and closer until he was practically jerking off in my face. I was afraid he was going to cum all over me, he was that close. We tried to scoot closer, but he just kept walking towards us. His wife was sitting against the wall doing nothing. We ended up grabbing our clothes and running from the room, leaving a bunch of voyeurs looking at an empty bed and a masturbating man.

  ~Katy, Seattle, WA

  My wife and I were invited to a hotel party – the organizers claimed it was a new party and was going to be one of the most “exclusive” swing parties in town. It was in a hotel suite downtown, and the cost was only $50 – cheap for our area. They said everyone who attended had to be “on the list” so that only the best couples would be in attendance. I asked about whether singles were allowed, because my wife gets uncomfortable around a lot of single guys. They told me that “very select” single men and women would be invited, but they told me not to worry. Well, the night of the party arrived, and we decided to give it a shot. My wife spent lots of time getting ready, because we felt we needed to look really nice to fit in with this exclusive bunch of people. When we arrived at the party, we walked in and saw that other than the host couple, it was a room full of men. Must have been a dozen of them crammed into the hotel suite. They looked like zombies wanting some brains when my wife walked in. I was about to ask the hosts when the other couples would arrive, but my wife looked panic stricken. I put my $50 back in my wallet and we went straight back home.

  ~ Alan, Longmont, CO

  We got an email from a couple we met when we attended a Baltimore party saying they were having a party and they even hired entertainment for the party. That entertainment ending up being a very attractive woman putting on a sex show with her black lab. With many of the guests, it didn't go over very well.

  ~Sean, RI

  We went to our first party for my 31st birthday and we show up to this two room hotel suite and no lie there was 5 girls and there were at least 20 guys. The other girls there did not interact much and at midnight they left, explaining they were only eye candy! Well we stayed hoping the other ladies were late and we had drove 1 1/2 hours. Well one other girl showed up wearing only a fishnet bodysuit and rainbow socks and kept sitting in my lap! I would move and she would hop back on. I have no problem with women but I like to be asked before I am touched. Well a couple started having sex on the floor I front of the TV (the news was on) and the female who was on top was making idle chatter with the people in the room. My hubby and I left quietly. Horrid night, the party had a great reputation too.

  ~Angel, VA

  My wife and I went to New Orleans for our anniversary, and we decided to try out one of the swingers clubs in town. One of them was newer, so we thought we would go there. They were also having a new members meet and greet weekend, and the price was great! Unfortunately, the crowd was not so great. After some uncomfortable exchanges with a few couples, I convinced my wife to go explore some of the playrooms upstairs, even if we just had fun together and didn’t invite anyone else to join. Well, on our way up the stairs we passed a shirtless man who appeared very much “out of it.” We didn’t know if he was drunk or on drugs or what. I turned after we passed him, and his back was covered in blood. I don’t mean a scratch here and there. I mean fresh, wet blood covering his back. We knew there was a BDSM room in the club, as we saw it on our tour. We didn’t know anything that intense went on there, and we also didn’t think it was appropriate for someone to be walking around a swingers club covered in blood. My wife and I stopped and looked at each other, and we didn’t have to say anything. We hightailed it out of there.

  ~Richard, Little Rock, AR

  As a single guy in the lifestyle, I’m often not allowed to attend swing club events or parties; they tend to specify couples and single women only. I got an email recently from a couple on SLS who said they wanted to get together. After a few emails back and forth, they said they were hosting a “small hotel party” and that while they normally didn’t invite single men, I was welcome to join them. Oh, and the cost was $150. They wouldn’t tell me anything about the party other than that it was in a “nice hotel room” and that they would provide “finger foods.” I asked about other couples who were attending, and they refused to tell me any of that. They also had no interest in meeting me at a bar for a drink before the party. I decided they were just trying to make some easy cash off of me, so I declined. They blocked me on SLS after that. I guess they are only looking for suckers, not for actual friends to have fun with.

  ~Tony, NJ

  These stories might be enough to scare any semi-sane person away from the mere thought of attending a swing party or club event. Fortunately, the majority of parties and events are legitimate, and are populated by couples and individuals who are decent, intelligent, socially aware people. And then when those few odd, even horrifying, things take place, it simply adds to the entertainment of the night. As long as it doesn’t happen to you!

  If there’s anything to take away from this chapter, it’s the importance of doing your research before attending a party or event. Look for others who have attended or who are members and email them. Ask about the club, the members, and the rules. If it’s a hotel party, be very wary unless it has a longstanding reputation. Many times, it’s just a couple or single person trying to make some quick cash, and their priority is not ensuring that the guests have a good time. If you’re new to the swinging world, I highly recommend you stick with legitimate clubs; you will be much better off than trying your luck with a random group at a hotel suite.

  Chapter Six

  Alcohol and the Dumbass Swinger

  If you have read my book, Swinging by a Thread: The Misadventures of an Accidental Swinger, you know I’ve had my fair share of experiences with swingers who have had too much to drink. One ended particularly traumatically, and I almost hesitated to include it because it was so awful. But I did, and it seems I’m not the only one who has been th
e victim of drunk swinging gone horribly wrong.

  Another, quite different experience involving the overindulgence of alcohol, happened to us several years ago. We were at our local club, and it was quite a busy night there. We met a guy and his “friend with benefits” who were visiting town for the night. I was quite taken with him almost immediately, which to put it mildly, is very rare. Tyler took note of this fact and seemed quite intrigued. Unfortunately, Tyler was nowhere near smitten with the guy’s female friend. She was loud, her laugh was something out of a nightmare, and she was generally just a pretty obnoxious person.

  We all continued drinking and talking until well past midnight, and at some point the guy and I began kissing. It was lovely, and I admit, I selfishly wanted more despite the fact that that meant encouraging Tyler to give Ms. Obnoxious a chance. He shrugged and said what the hell, so we made our way upstairs. Just before we all piled into one of the small semi-private rooms, she drunkenly looked at Tyler and loudly said, “Wait, who are you?” It became clear she was beyond black-out drunk, and I realized we needed to call the whole thing off. We said our goodbyes and headed home. I felt awful for almost getting Tyler into a potentially uncomfortable situation, not to mention the possibility of having sex with someone who was clearly too drunk to consent.

  Another night, we’d gone to out drinking and dancing with some friends of ours, and the plan was to go back to their place for some fun. I’d been the designated driver that night, so everyone else really lived it up. When we got back to their house, Tyler, the guy, and I all headed to the bedroom while his wife was busy returning a phone call in the other room. The guy grabbed me roughly and kissed me, then pushed me back onto the bed. He pulled my panties down, slipped two fingers inside me without any warning, then promptly passed out on top of me.

  I glanced over at Tyler, who became aware that I had 200 pounds of dead weight on me. He helped push the guy off of me, I got my panties back on, and we decided it was time to head home. It could have been a fun night, but a little too much vodka can spoil the fun for everyone.

  I’ve received more stories than I even have room to include that focus on the hazards of drunk swinging. This first story, however, takes the cake, and the worst part is, I’m sure there are others who have gone through similarly horrifying situation due to overindulgence of alcohol or other substances. The remaining experiences detailed in this chapter are much more common, so much so that I found myself nodding along with each one, remembering my own similar experiences and observations.

  Here is MY story. Meet a couple online, do the meet and greet thing at a restaurant. All is good. They invite us to their house the next day. We arrive and they are drunk. She was very very drunk and asked my husband if he wanted to bathe her?!?! He's horny enough to say okay and I'm left with a naked stranger who can barely stand, let alone get an erection. We make out a little bit and my husband comes in the room with the naked, and clean, lady. She proceeds to give him a blow job and her husband falls asleep next to me. I'm very voyeuristic so I watch and she is awful. He grimaces and flinches and eventually FAKES an orgasm. She comes up for air exclaiming how he came a lot. I'm trying not to laugh which gets easy as the smell hits me. She had thrown up on his cock and thought it was cum...I can't get out of there fast enough. Shudder.

  ~ e. Walker, San Diego, CA

  This is unfortunately not the only time something like this happened to us, but it was the funniest. My wife and I were out with a couple we’d been spending time with, and we were drinking and talking and flirting. At one point in the night they suggested we go back to our place for some fun. It was a twenty minute drive, and I figured that might be good, to give the guy some time to sober up. My wife had been the unfortunate recipient of several drunken, limp dicks in the past, and I didn’t want that to happen again, especially with a couple we’d really become friends with. Well, to my horror, the guy had a bottle of wine with him, and even though I mentioned to him he should stop drinking, he downed the entire rest of the bottle on the ride to our house. By the time we got home, he was blitzed. He was talking a good game, pulling my wife’s hair, acting all manly, even giving her a little slap a few times. But when it came down to fucking her, he couldn’t get it up. Instead of getting mad, she just laughed it off and joined us while he sat there trying in vain to get it up. The worst thing is, we gave things another try with them and the same thing happened. After that he knew better than to bother. We stayed friends, though, and he was a good sport about the whole thing.

  ~James, Pensacola, FL

  Some friends joined us in the group sex room of a swingers club, and a hot couple we’d met at the bar earlier asked if they could join. They were both pretty tipsy, but that’s not unusual in the club scene. We all had a really good time, and things seemed to be going really well. Then suddenly we heard her yelling for someone to get her a trash can. My friend jumped up and ran, naked, into the hallway to get a trash can for her. He was just in time. She leaned over the side of the bed and threw up for what seemed like hours. We were all in bed, naked, and the mood was so ruined, but no one wanted to be the first one to just get up and get dressed and walk out. So we just kind of lay there, smiling at each other nervously and trying to wait for her to get up and go to the bathroom. She finally did, and by that point we were very happy to all quickly find our clothes and put an end to that part of the night.

  ~Anthony, Pittsburgh, PN

  My husband and I go several times a month to a very upscale swing club about thirty minutes from our home. We really like the atmosphere there, and we feel we tend to meet a higher caliber of people there than at some of the other clubs and events near our city. One night, though, the upscale environment was somewhat disrupted. We arrived at the club very soon after they opened, and there was only one other couple there. They were at the bar drinking, and when we said hello to them the wife looked up and we honestly wondered how she was upright. She had apparently been drinking for hours. Her eyes were practically rolling back in her head as she slurred a hello back at us. We got some drinks and made our way to another part of the club. About half an hour later, I went to the restroom. When I opened the door, I saw LEGS coming out from one of the stalls. The woman was passed out on the floor, with her face on the tile next to the toilet and her legs extending all the way out of the stall next to the sink. It wasn’t even ten o’clock! I walked out and found an attendant in the hall – her husband was nowhere to be seen. I informed her there was a woman passed out in the restroom, and she contacted the manager immediately. I walked back to find my husband, and by the time we walked back the woman was gone. I hope her husband didn’t have to carry her too far to their car or hotel. I just can’t believe anyone would get that drunk that early in the night, especially when paying nearly $100 to go to a party.

  ~Christine, LA

  We went on a swingers cruise, which to be honest had all sorts of crazy stories we could tell. But one thing that we kept noticing which we couldn’t get over was this one older couple. The wife seemed to be drunk from the time she boarded the ship until the morning we got back to the port. She looked completely out of it most of the time, and on at least three nights we saw her husband practically dragging her down the halls of the ship to get her to their room. It couldn’t have been much fun for him, and she probably doesn’t even remember being on the ship. I’m sure this isn’t just a thing you see with swingers, but it was definitely a weird thing to see.

  ~Robert, Montgomery, TX

  We have a story about swinging and drinking. Drinking way too much. We were at a party one night, and the entire crowd was drinking freely – however, one woman seemed to take it to a whole new level. After downing more tequila shots than I could handle without being sent to the ER, she decided the thing to do was put on a show on the stripper pole. Well, I just knew this would not end well. A big crowd gathered to watch and cheer her on, and she began to spin around the pole. She tried to climb it a few times, but each time she slid back
down. Towards the end of her “routine” she began to get a little too over confident of her skills and her sobriety, and she attempted an upside-down spinning maneuver. She ended up crashing down, head first, onto the stage, and for a minute she just lay there with her head tilted at a horrible angle. No one moved – I think we all thought she broke her neck. Finally her husband came running forward, drink in hand, and pulled her off the stage and onto the nearby sofa. She probably needed a bottle of water, but her idiot husband fed her the rest of his cocktail instead. We didn’t stick around to see if she got back on that pole!

  ~Barry, Chicago, IL

  Drinking and swinging seem to go hand in hand, and that’s not always a bad thing, particularly when one needs a little liquid courage in order to break the ice. Hell, I hardly remember our first swinging experience because I had downed Long Island Iced Teas like they were going out of style due to my own extreme case of nerves. I’ve learned, though, that while a drink to kick off the night is a great thing, it’s best to drink in moderation, and to choose the company of others who do the same. Too many things can go awry when you have a room full of blizted swingers!