A Swing and a Miss: The Funny, Tragic, and Scary True Stories of Real Swingers

by Audra Morgan

  We like to know and actually like the people we engage in sexual activities with, so I suppose that makes it a bit more complex than just hopping in bed with whoever happens to be at a club. That’s not our style. We’ll meet a couple that seems incredible, then my wife notices brown spots from smoking on their teeth, or they say something mildly racist, or any number of things, and it’s over. We do this for fun, it’s not a necessity, and we need to feel good about people if we’re going to get naked with them. I’m sure the reverse happens as well, although we never know what it was that turned people off. There have been a few times when we met a couple, thought it went great, and we never hear from them again. With all the idiosyncrasies people have, it’s kind of amazing four people are ever able to all find each other attractive and otherwise acceptable enough to sleep with!

  ~Jackson, Long Island, NY

  We went on an early anniversary trip to Chicago a few years back, and we happened to make contact with a very sexy couple in the area before we flew out. We emailed back and forth, and they seemed extremely nice, laid back, and similar to us in many ways. We made plans to have dinner our first night in town. They were nice enough to offer to meet at a restaurant just around the corner from our hotel, and we thought that boded well for some after-dinner fun. We had dinner, and it was great. The conversation flowed, and we all got along really well. They suggested a bar up the road, and we went there afterward.

  It seemed we’d all be on our way to the hotel after a drink or two. As we left the bar, the couple wished us good night, said it had been a long day, and suggested meeting for dinner again the next night. We certainly understand long days, and while we were disappointed, we took it in stride and looked forward to the following night. We’d actually made tentative plans with another couple, which we canceled, as we felt this was definitely going to work out. We met for dinner the next night, and once again, as soon as dinner was over, the yawns began, and they said they were tired from working all day and needed to turn in.

  They mentioned a big party the following night, and it was finally the weekend, so a late night was possible. It was going to be our last night in town. Again, we agreed. We made our way via bus and subway to the party location, and they showed up a little bit later. Conversation was once again great, drinks were flowing, and things seemed to be on the right track. We were attracted to them both, and the feeling seemed to be mutual. Then, out of the blue, around 1 AM, the male half approached us, hugged us, and told us he was heading home, and that his girlfriend was staying to dance. We were stunned.

  We had no idea what had happened to derail the night. We told him goodnight, hung around with her another hour or so, but we felt very uncomfortable because we just didn’t know what we’d done wrong, or what had happened. Finally, we told her good night and headed back to the hotel. We were baffled and a bit irritated, to be honest, because we spent three evenings with this couple and felt they sort of led us on. Not that we MUST have sex with a couple we like, but our time there was brief, and we spent quite a bit of it with them.

  I got up the next day to pack and get ready to head to the airport, and to my surprise there was an email from the male half of the couple awaiting me on my phone. I must admit, I expected some sort of apology for his flakiness and for pretty much ruining the fun for us all. Quite to the contrary, his email was a long, rambling “what the fuck” sort of tirade, berating us for sending mixed signals and for wasting their time and wasting a good opportunity.

  While I’d been disappointed the night before, at that point I was ready to throw my phone across the room in anger. I had no idea what in the world was going through his mind when he typed that email, OR, for that matter, the previous three nights when we were ready for fun and he seemed ready for a nap. After calming down, I sent a rather harsh, but civil, reply. We emailed back and forth for an hour or two, and by the time we arrived at the airport it appeared to be some huge misunderstanding.

  They had been waiting for us to make a dramatic first move, and that’s not our style, and I suppose we were waiting for more signals from them, signals which we never detected. By the end of the correspondence, we all felt a bit better towards each other, and I think we all felt quite foolish for not just being more up front from the beginning. We all wasted a pretty good opportunity. And I still regret that.

  ~Shane, Santa Fe, NM

  We just had the strangest “date” with a couple. It started out when a couple who lives about an hour and a half away emailed us and wanted to get together. They said they would be happy to come to our city and meet us, so we made plans to get together for drinks. From their photos, she was quite beautiful, and as my wife said, she’d have to see the guy in person to know for sure how she felt. But based on how pretty his wife was, we were willing to meet them and see what happened. After looking a bit more closely at their profile, we realized they currently live in two different states and spend one weekend a month together.

  We thought that was odd, but we figured we’d maybe get together with them for fun next time she was visiting if all went well over drinks and conversation. We even figured we’d make the trip to them, rather than having them drive back to us. Anyway, we met them and they were delightful. She, in particular, was bubbly, outgoing, and very down to earth for such a gorgeous woman. We were impressed. He kind of let her do the talking, but he seemed charming and sweet as well, and we were impressed with them both.

  During our conversation at the bar, though, they began to talk about their grueling work and life situation, and it came out that she only comes to see him every other month, and he goes to visit her every other month. He also mentioned he would be relocating in a few months to be with her full time. We both gave each other a puzzled look, but at that point what could we do but just proceed with hanging out with them and try to figure it out later.

  My wife and his wife both went to the restroom, so during that time I decided to try to determine why they’d made this date with us if our schedules would likely never align in order for the four of us to get together again for playtime. In talking privately to him, it became clear he’d been looking at our profile for some time, and he was interested in getting together with us on his own. Apparently, when she’s in town, she “helps” him meet couples so he has some diversions while she is away.

  Well, we do meet with single guys from time to time, but I felt absolutely duped by this situation. My wife never would have gone for this guy for a threesome; she was only willing to give it a chance because we were both immediately attracted to his wife. It felt like a big-time bait and switch. Of course when our wives returned, I couldn’t say anything, but I was honestly ready to end this date.

  We talked for a bit more, then we decided to head out. My wife suggested going to another bar up the street, and I cringed. She didn’t know what I knew, and she was still thinking there was a chance for the four of us to hook up. When we got to that bar, it was a bit too crowded for everyone’s tastes, so I took the opportunity to suggest that it was time to part ways for the evening.

  Once back in the car, I asked my wife what she thought of the guy. She seemed somewhat nonplussed by him but said she was opening to meeting them again. Then she mentioned their weird schedule and wondered aloud how in the world we’d be able to get together with them anyway. She asked, “Why in the world did they drive all the way here to meet us when there’s probably no way they’ll both be down here again before he moves away?” Well, I told her about my conversation with him, and she just about flipped out in the car.

  As I said, we’re more than happy to meet respectful single guys for fun; if he’d presented himself as such, we may have met him on his own and had a great time. What we don’t tolerate is dishonesty or shady behavior – and that’s what we feel happened. He felt he could lure us in with his super-hot wife, and then we’d find him charming and want to get together. Unfortunately, it was quite the opposite. He blew it big time. Big missed opportunity on his part.


  ~Tyler, Jackson, MS

  We spent literally three hours hanging out with a couple at a swing party several months ago. We had seen their profile online, and they said they’d seen ours, but we hadn’t talked until that night. The conversation and chemistry were great, and we were all flirting, being touchy feely, and enjoying the vibe. The husband suggested we find an unoccupied room, and we all agreed and went in search of a room. It turned out a private room with a locking door happened to be open, so we all went in, shut the door, and sat on the bed. Sometimes there’s a little bit of awkwardness before the clothes start coming off, but this was ridiculous. They went from talkative, flirty, and touchy to shy and reserved, with a deer in the headlights expression. I scooted closer to the woman, hoping to start off the action, but she immediately jumped up, grabbed her purse, opened the door, and was gone. Her husband shrugged, apologized, and said they’d see us later. When we composed ourselves and exited the room, we walked around the club, and they appeared to be gone. We’re not sure what happened. Major case of cold feet, we guess. But it was a downer. We only go out every few months, and this was not how we anticipated that particular night ending!

  ~Becky and John, CA

  In swinging, just as in regular dating, things simply don’t always work out. Attractive couples often have things go awry, or they strike out despite their best efforts. After five or so years of observing swingers in “their natural habitat”, the swing club, I’ve determined that the couples who hook up with people every single weekend are a distinct minority. At the risk of sounding judgmental, it seems those are the same couples who aren’t terribly interested in each other, so perhaps they work a little harder than the rest of us to make sure they find someone else to have sex with when they go out. And, also from my own observations, they seem willing to lower their standards to do so. The rest of us are more than happy to simply go home with our own significant others should nothing interesting take place at a club or party. I’m thankful to be in that group!

  Epilogue

  Well, there you have it. Stories from swingers across America who were kind enough to share their own experiences with us. Perhaps these stories were not quite what you expected; perhaps they’re just what you thought they’d be. The general public has varying perceptions of what swinging means, and what swingers look and act like. We’re all different, and from my own observations, swingers fall into many of the same cliques and social groups that the rest of society does; they merely socialize with somewhat different intentions. Unlike the portrayal offered by cable documentaries, though, swinging is not a “home run” proposition, with horny couples participating in orgies every chance they get. The pitfalls of dating, rejection, issues, drama, and inexplicable weirdness befall swingers more often than they’d like to admit. And once again, the truth I’ve discovered within the swinging world is much, much stranger than any fiction could ever hope to be.

  Turn the page for an excerpt from Audra Morgan’s swinging memoir, available exclusively on Amazon.

  An Excerpt from Swinging by a Thread: The Misadventures of an Accidental Swinger

  Prologue

  I've read quite a few “memoirs” over the years which were quite obviously exaggerated to the point of becoming complete fiction, with only the smallest grains of truth scattered throughout. I'd like to point out, straight away, that this is not such a story. Much of the past five years of my life has fallen into the “truth is stranger than fiction” category, and a dear friend downright insisted I record my strange, but true, stories so that my life could serve as comic relief for someone other than her. At her behest, I've done so, and other than changing names to protect the far-from-innocent, all of the details in the pages before you are my own true, unembellished life experiences. In fact, they're so accurate that I'm bound to get an angry email or two from people who recognize the stories a bit too well! Still, I felt compelled to tell these stories, and to keep it real. For some of you, it will serve simply as the means to a good laugh. For others, it may hit close to home, reminding you of some of your own funny experiences. For others still, it may even spur you on to create some adventures of your own. And if you do that, I hope to read about them one day – I could use a laugh that isn’t at my own expense!

  Chapter One

  How It Began, or Always Blame the Bartender

  This is the story of five years of crazy adventures in swinging, and of some of the things I’ve learned through our more outrageous encounters. You don't know me from Jack, so I'm not going to bore you with a twenty page background on my life. Still, I think context is pretty fundamental, so let me begin with a little bit about us, and about how we ended up on this path.

  Tyler and I spent the first ten years of our relationship being homebodies. He was never much for going out; he preferred a quiet night at home, watching movies or playing games. I, on the other hand, had to adjust to the quiet life. I'd spent my years in college and grad school partying almost nightly, and my new, quieter life was a big change, to say the least. I grew used to it, though, and then once we had kids, it became a no brainer that nightlife from there on out would involve falling asleep watching Saturday Night Live together. Yes, the all-too-typical routine of being married with kids. With that routine, though, came a serious emotional and sexual rut in our relationship. For a while, we both assumed this was the natural progression of marriage; it seemed everyone we knew was going through the same thing, so we didn't discuss it, much less attempt to fix it. It just was. At some point, we thankfully agreed that our relationship was worth more than that, that we were better than that, and we began making a conscious effort to change things for the better.

  For our ninth anniversary, Tyler surprised me with a night out which consisted of an amazing hotel room, dinner, and a fun night at my favorite bar from my college days. It felt so good to get out again, to be around people drinking and laughing and having fun. I felt like I'd come home, and Tyler could see how happy I was. From that point on, we made going out at least once a month a priority. We settled into a wonderful new routine of meeting our friends, mostly the parents of our kids' friends, for cocktails and dancing and general absurdity. Monthly nights out turned into twice-a-month gatherings, and those nights were soon supplemented with drunken game nights and movie nights. We were truly having more fun than we'd ever had before, and our marriage was all the stronger for it. Then, one night, a bartender at that very same bar told us a story that, quite honestly, changed our lives forever.

  Gene, our favorite bartender, smiled broadly as we entered the bar one Saturday night. He made us our drinks before we even reached our barstools; we were pretty predictable. As he placed our drinks down on the bar, he leaned forward and began to tell us about his adventures the previous night. "Guys, I have to tell you about this club I went to with a friend last night. It was insane. Naked people everywhere. Having sex! I've never seen anything like it. You guys should check it out, you would die!" Before he could tell us more, he was called to the other side of the bar, and that was the last we spoke to him that night.

  Now, I've never even been to a strip club in my life, it just holds no interest for me; I'm a naturally curious person, though, and it intrigued me that this place existed in my city. This club with regular people who got naked and had sex in front of each other. Did these places really exist outside porn and bad Tom Cruise movies? What kind of people would go to such a place? Had Gene been exaggerating, as I suspected he sometimes did when telling stories? The next morning, despite my hangover, I was up early, searching online for answers to my questions.

  "Did you know we had a swingers club here?" I asked Tyler incredulously. He’d heard a coworker talk about it once, but he didn’t really get any details. I still couldn't quite fathom it. Unfortunately, what we could find online just didn't quench our thirst for details about this club that had been operating for nearly ten years mere minutes from our house. While I'd never had any desire to set foot in a strip club, I suddenly
felt a need to have a glimpse into this secret world where things happened that I had to admit I couldn't even really imagine. Regular people, exposing their bodies and their sex lives to others, not for money, but for the sheer enjoyment of it. I felt like the most sheltered, naive person in the world, and I felt the overwhelming desire to unburden myself of that naiveté.

  Now, let me make one thing clear, in case you weren’t paying attention: Tyler and I were not, had never been, and had never considered being, swingers. We'd been monogamous, with no exceptions, for our entire marriage, and we had no intentions of changing that. That being said, we both felt drawn to this mysterious club, simply so we could see what went on there, and so we could be "in the know" about this secret place that apparently did not even have a sign on the door or a listing in the phone book. We quickly realized that if we were going to learn anything about this place before actually stepping foot in the door, we'd have to make contact with people online and get information first-hand.

  We emailed a few people who had posted in online forums about the club; we made it clear that we were just going as visitors, to check the place out, and that we wanted to learn more about it before we actually went. A very nice couple replied to our email, told us all about the club, and assured us that people are more than welcome to just go, have a few drinks, check out what was happening, and leave without having to worry about being accosted in any way. In fact, they pointed out, we were more likely to be hit on inappropriately at any random bar than at a swing club. Who knew! This couple was from out of town, but they'd been to the club many times before; they offered to meet us a few blocks away at a neighborhood bar, walk us to the club (since it was somewhat difficult to find), and show us around. We appreciated their kindness and generosity, and we made plans for that weekend. We agreed we were going simply to drink, people watch, and learn a little about this completely different way of life.